It hit him again as he stepped inside, the silence. The absence that he hadn’t been able to get used to. Which was fucking stupid, because he wasn’t a lovesick teenager and he hadn’t lost anyone. Zoe was only gone.
Maybe it was empty-nest syndrome or something.
Chucking his keys down on the table beside the door, he went down the hallway, heading to the bathroom and a shower. He was tired and sweaty and dirty, and the last thing he wanted was to go out to Gino’s and discuss the plans, but considering he was helping Levi out with the finances behind this, he really had to.
Stripping off his clothes and dumping them in the laundry hamper, he then moved to turn on the shower. Not bothering to wait until the water had heated, he got in, hoping the cold spray would wake him up.
He was sick of feeling tired.
It wasn’t until he’d gotten out and was toweling himself dry that he heard the door of the apartment close. He stilled, his heartbeat slowing.
Who the fuck was that? No one had keys, and if someone had broken down his door, he was pretty sure they would have made way more noise than that.
Quickly he dropped the towel, pulled on his jeans, and went to the bathroom door, mentally going through the list of weaponry he had stashed around the house. The gun in his dresser was the closest since that was right next door.
There was no sound from outside, so he pulled the door open a crack. Nothing down the hallway. He opened it wider, but there was no movement in either direction, and no sound coming from anywhere.
Maybe he’d imagined it?
Then there came a thump from the living room, like something heavy being dropped, and okay, so he hadn’t imagined it. Someone else was in the apartment. Someone who’d gotten in with keys.
His heart suddenly came to a roaring stop and he couldn’t breathe.
No, it wasn’t her. It couldn’t be her.
A figure stepped into the hallway, looking in his direction. Small, slender. Black curls cascading down her back. Delicate face with little round glasses perched on the end of her nose. Black T-shirt and the jeans with holes in the knees, scuffed Converses . . .
Zoe.
His gut lurched, something inside him falling away. “What the fuck are you doing here?” he demanded, his voice sounded rusty, all sticky and rough like an engine desperately in need of oil.
Slowly she began to come toward him, but he threw up a hand and she stopped like he’d struck her.
“No,” he said, unable to help himself. “No. You can’t. I let you go. You were supposed to fucking leave. You weren’t supposed to come back!” He hadn’t meant to shout, but it echoed down the hallway all the same, far, far too loud.
Zoe stared at him as the echoes died away, her golden eyes liquid and so, so beautiful. So warm. Full of sunlight and laughter and joy.
Then she kept walking. Like he hadn’t said anything.
“Zoe,” he said again, because if she got close to him he didn’t know what he might do. “Don’t you fucking dare.”
“You always came back to me,” she said in the soft, husky voice he heard sometimes in his dreams at nights. “Why can’t I come back to you?”
“Because you can’t. You were supposed to leave. You were supposed to make your own choices, go and have a fucking life!”
“I am making a choice.” She came closer. “And my choice is you.”
“Stop.” His hand was out in front of him, as if he could hold her off. “You need to make a different one.” He sounded desperate, but he couldn’t help it. “You need to make a different choice.”
Her chin came up in that way he knew so well. “Why?”
“Jesus, do I really need to give you all the reasons? I can’t give you what you want.”
The look on her face softened. “I know that,” she said quietly. “I know you can’t. And I’m okay with that. I just . . . thought you should know that I’m back. That if you ever need me, I’ll be around.” Her slender throat moved. “You were always there for me, so . . . now I’m here for you.”
He blinked, the unexpectedness of it hitting like a punch to the gut. “I don’t understand.”
“I know what you did for me, Gideon. I saw it on the news. And not only for me, but for the others, too. But that’s you all over, isn’t it? You’re always doing things for other people.” Her voice had gotten croaky. “You’re always doing things for me. You put your whole life on hold for me and then, like that wasn’t enough, you went and risked a jail term just to put my stupid father in prison.” She took a little breath. “So I thought it was about time I did something for you.”
He stood there staring at her, his skin damp from the shower, drops of water dripping down his back from his half-dried hair, unable to make sense of what she was saying. “You and I are not a business deal,” he said flatly. “And you don’t owe me a goddamn thing.”
“I didn’t mean it like that.” She held his gaze, the look in her eyes direct. “This isn’t about payback. I couldn’t pay you back for what you’ve done for me anyway, not if I lived to be a hundred. This is about the fact that you’re important to me and I care about you.” She stopped, her cheeks flushing. “And before you say it, no, I don’t expect you to say anything. I don’t expect anything from you at all. I just . . . I don’t have anything to give you but me. It’s not much, it’s not enough for everything you’ve done, but still. I’m here. Like you were always there for me.”
He didn’t know what to say. It was like his brain had gone blank.
“Well.” She put her hands in the pockets of her jeans, shifting awkwardly on her feet. “I should probably take off. I thought I might go stay with Rach and Levi, but maybe they’re not going to be all that happy with me suddenly turning up on their doorstep out of the blue. Especially when I just left—”
“Zoe.” Her name came out hoarse, and he didn’t know why he’d said it.
She lifted her chin. “What?”
“Why did you come back?”
“I just told you.”
“No. The real reason.” He didn’t know why he was asking that either. It was almost like he wanted to hear something from her. Something that would fill this aching hole in the middle of his heart.
Her eyes gleamed, bright and liquid. “I came back because I’m a selfish bitch,” she said suddenly. “I’ve been wanting and wanting and wanting all kinds of things from you. Things I had no right to ask for. And when you said no, I’ve been acting like a little kid, throwing a tantrum when I didn’t get what I wanted.” Her mouth tightened. “I came back to tell you that I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked for what you didn’t want to give. I shouldn’t have pushed you like I did. And I shouldn’t have thrown everything you’ve done for me away like that.”
He’d taken a step toward her before he’d even realized what he was doing, because the look on her face made him ache. It was stripped bare, raw and honest, and he could see she was holding back tears.
“I thought by walking away I was saving you,” she went on. “But I wasn’t. I walked away because you wouldn’t give me what I wanted. And that’s not something I’m proud of.”
She was so close to him and now he could smell the scent of her, lavender and Zoe. It wouldn’t take much to reach out and touch her.
“I know what you wanted,” he said, holding her gaze, trying to keep his hands at his sides and not reach out for her. “But I couldn’t say those words. I knew you’d stay if I did, and I didn’t want you to.”
There was molten gold in her eyes. “Why not?”
“Because keeping you here is all I’ve been doing the past thirteen years. I’ve been telling myself it was all about making sure you were safe, but it wasn’t. It was for me. I couldn’t bear the thought of letting you go.”
“But I—”
“No, listen. My dad, fuck, all he did was take. Then he took my mother’s life. I don’t want to be like him. I don’t want to be that selfish.”
Her eyes widened. “What? B
ut . . . you’re not anything like him. You’re the most unselfish man I’ve ever met in my life.”
“No, I took from you, Zoe. I kept you here by my side for years. I didn’t let you go to college, get a job, get a boyfriend. And I made sure as shit I was the only man in your life.” He sucked in a breath. “Then you offered yourself to me and I fucking took that, too. You loved me, Zoe, and I didn’t care. I was going to keep you anyway, because I’m that kind of man. I’m possessive and mean and I will do harm to anyone who takes what’s mine.”
“But—”
“Let me finish.” His pulse sounded loud in his head, and he couldn’t stop looking at her face. Couldn’t seem to keep his hands right where they were at his sides. They kept lifting toward her as if he were dying and she were his one chance of heaven. “I was wrong to take you. I was wrong to accept, because you had no fucking idea what kind of man I was, and that’s all on me. I didn’t tell you. So that’s why I let you walk away.” He clenched his hands into fists. “I had no right to you. I’ve been the only man in your life since you were six years old, and you deserve a life without me in it. Space to make your own choices. To find a man you love by choice, not by default.”
Tears spilled down her cheeks, and it took everything he had not to reach for her and wipe them away, pull her into his arms. He ached for her everywhere, but he couldn’t give in to it. Sure, she’d come back, but that didn’t mean he could take her. That didn’t mean she was his.
“I never loved you by default.” Her voice was thick with tears. “I loved you because you were there for me. Every. Single. Time. You were the only one I could ever count on. The one I could tell everything to. You were my friend. You treated me like I was a person, not just some fucking kid who nobody wanted. That’s why I loved you, you stupid idiot.”
He didn’t know why that was so difficult to hear or so difficult to believe. Because sure, he’d been there for her, but there was a reason for that. “You know why I kept coming back to you? It wasn’t for you, Zoe. It was for me. Because I was losing pieces of my soul with every job that I did. And every time I saw you . . . God, you gave them back to me.”
She lifted a hand, swiping at her tears, leaving shiny marks all over her cheeks. “I don’t know how. I was just a stupid kid.”
“You were never just a stupid kid.” Somehow he’d gotten even closer, which was wrong and so dangerous and yet he couldn’t seem to help himself. “You were always so pleased to see me. You were never afraid of me, always smiled and held out your arms. I felt . . . like I was a good person with you.”
She gave another swipe at her cheeks. “You are a good person, Gideon. You always were.”
“But that was for me. Don’t you see?” Because she didn’t, not really, and no wonder. It was only now that he could see it himself. “It was all for me. I wanted to feel good about myself, that’s why I couldn’t let you go.”
“So you built your life around keeping me safe just so you could feel good about yourself?” There was an edge in her voice now. “Does that sound as stupid to you as it does to me?”
He stared at her, willing her to understand. “It’s not stupid. It’s the truth. That’s why I have to let you go. I can’t keep on taking from you, little one. I can’t keep taking from you to make myself feel better. I just can’t.”
For a long moment she said nothing. Then, unexpectedly, she gave him a watery grin. “It’s okay,” she said raggedly. “I understand. Like I said, I’m not going to ask you for anything.” She turned around. “I’ll just get my bag.”
What the fuck are you doing?
Gideon ignored the voice in his head, watching as Zoe turned and walked back to the living room, disappearing through the door a second before coming back, her duffel bag over her shoulder.
Are you really going to let her walk away?
He had to. He wasn’t going to keep taking from her, keep her trapped in this narrow version of the life he thought was right for her. She deserved bigger. She deserved better.
She deserved love.
He went motionless, frozen as she walked past him in the direction of the door, something clenching so hard around his chest he couldn’t breathe.
Her footsteps retreated down the hallway the way they had a week ago, but this time he turned to watch her, unable to help himself.
She’d paused by the front door, looking back at him. Small and slender and fragile. Yet strong, so strong. Coming back for him, giving herself to him without wanting anything in return. Apologizing to him for something that needed no apology. Bright and beautiful and innocent, yet so smart, too, the way she had been all her life.
“Bye, Gideon. I’ll be around.” Her hand dropped to the handle.
She made a choice. She chose you. And you’re throwing it back in her face.
But he was doing what was best for her, wasn’t he?
No. You’re doing what’s best for you.
The pressure around his chest was agonizing and it came to him then, short and sharp like a bullet from a gun, that of course this was for him. He’d been holding her at a distance, not to protect her, but to protect himself.
Because love hurt. It was shouting and violence, fists thrown at night in drunken rages. It was tears of pain and humiliation. It was his mother, her life choked out of her by his father’s fists.
But it was also Zoe. And she’d made her choice. She’d come back to him.
Every time in the past, she’d welcomed him. She’d never turned him away. She’d always been there for him then.
He needed to be there for her now.
“Zoe,” he said raggedly. “Wait.”
Her hand stilled on the handle. “What?”
“Don’t go.” He met her liquid amber gaze. “Please.”
She blinked. Rapidly. “I . . . What do you mean.”
“I want you to stay.”
“Um. I’m not sure—”
“I want you to stay with me. In my bed. In my life.” His voice went all rough and harsh-sounding. “In my heart.”
She stared at him. “Why?”
“You know why, little one.” Those words had never meant anything to him before. But they did now. Those words meant her, and so he said them without any trouble at all. “I love you.”
Her face crumpled, and all of a sudden her bag was dropping on the ground and she was walking down the hallway, coming toward him like she had done so many times in the past.
And like he always did, he opened his arms to her.
And she ran into them.
* * *
Zoe buried her head against his chest and cried. Which was dumb, but she couldn’t help it. Then his arms came around her, holding her close, and she cried harder, which again, didn’t make any sense, because she was happy and relieved and so many other emotions she couldn’t untangle them all.
He let her weep like an idiot for how long she didn’t know, then his hands were in her hair, tipping her head back, and he was kissing her like he was suffocating and she was the air he needed to breathe.
She had been holding herself back for so long, ever since she’d gotten back to Detroit. Trying to be strong, trying to be adult about all of this. But the journey had been a killer, and she’d been so tired, and when she’d let herself back into the apartment and he’d been standing there in the hallway, wearing only jeans, his bronze skin gleaming and wet from a shower, her heart had inflated like a balloon, swelling up almost to bursting.
There was nothing she’d wanted more in that moment than him.
But she’d been good. She’d told him everything that was in her heart, and then she’d stood back, not asking for anything in return even though she wanted everything. She’d been prepared to let him go.
She hadn’t thought he would change his mind.
But he had.
Now she was kissing him back, desperate, not wanting to think, not wanting to talk, not wanting anything but him. He was all around her, hot skin and hard-packed muscl
e, smelling of the soap and shampoo he’d used, and the familiarity of it made her want to dissolve into tears all over again.
He didn’t let her. Instead, he lifted her in his arms and carried her into the bedroom, stripping all her clothes off her before doing the same to himself. Then he took her down onto the bed, touching her, kissing her, stroking her as if she was something precious, something to be cherished.
She tried to return the favor, but his hands turned hard on her, shaking as they pressed her thighs apart, and when he pushed inside her, his whole body shuddered, her name a whisper against her neck.
Zoe closed her legs around his waist, wrapping her arms around him, holding him as he began to move, deep and slow, then gripping him tighter as the pleasure coiled between them. Then he moved faster, harder, and the pleasure became a hot burn, a sweetness that moved through her like wildfire, and she turned her face into the hollow of his throat, inhaling him.
He began to gather her up, his arms beneath her, lifting her so she was held tight against him, moving deeper still so the pleasure was all she could feel.
She burned there, a small, glowing ember, before igniting into flame as the orgasm exploded through her, shaking and trembling in his arms. And he held her tighter still as it took him, too, the pair of them blazing in the dimness of the room.
Afterward, she lay against him as the weight of a week’s worth of sleepless nights finally caught up with her.
She closed her eyes. Just for a second.
When she opened them again, the sun was full on her face, a warm, heavy weight across her chest. Somewhere someone’s phone was ringing.
She frowned at the ceiling, for a moment disoriented. Then the weight on her chest shifted, coiling around her, and everything fell into place.
Gideon.
“Good morning, little one.” His voice was in her ear, the intoxicating heat of his body pressed all along her spine. “I’ve been waiting for you to wake up.” His fingers spread out on her stomach, easing her back, and she could feel his cock, hard and hot against her butt.
She grinned and turned over, a bubble of pure happiness expanding in her throat. His hair hung over his black eyes, his jaw unshaven, and he looked dark and dangerous, and holy hell, so freaking gorgeous. She touched his jaw, loving the feeling of his morning beard against her palm. “Is that your phone? Shouldn’t you get it?”
Sin for Me Page 27
