“Gabe . . . Gabe, please. You don’t have to tell me this.” Her voice cracked.
Somewhere he found the power to look at her. Unshed tears, deepening the green of her eyes, sent a shot through him, ending at what could only be his heart. “Yes, I do. I’m not doing this to receive your sympathy. I want you to understand. To see the man I am.”
“But you’re not,” she pleaded. “Don’t you see? You are not your father.”
He resisted the urge to sneer. “Trust me, I’m exactly the man my father made me.”
“I don’t believe that. Neither does anyone else.”
“Don’t be so naïve, Minx. Everyone knows it to be true. All you have to do is tune your ear to what is whispered when I enter a room. Hell, I don’t even have to be present for the topic of conversation to turn to me and how exactly I resemble my father.” He threw the words at her, his voice harsh with anger.
Anger that masked his desire for her declaration to be true.
The heat of fury entered her eyes, drying any unshed tears. “People talk about you because that is what you’ve aimed for—and achieved. You’ve fed the storm of gossip. I’ve often wondered how the man discussed by the ton could be the same man that, a few years earlier, had been so kind to me. But you created the façade. You want everyone to see you as someone you are not. I suspect it fills some twisted need inside of you that supposedly proves you are your father.”
Though he had seen this side of Elizabeth many times in the last few weeks, the intensity of her passion, when roused, still amazed him. Unfortunately in this case, her passion was misdirected. He didn’t deserve to be the focus of such devotion.
“If you don’t believe me, what about Marcus?” she pointed out.
“What of him?” What had her brother to do with any of this?
“My brother would never associate with someone like your father. Yet he has remained friends with you. Why do you think that is?”
Gabe opened his mouth, ready to set her straight, but she rushed on. “Because, despite what you think is true, what you want to believe is true, my brother knows you could never be the man your father so wrongly tried to turn you into. You are too strong-willed, too single minded, to be so easily swayed.”
His restraint broke and rage erupted. “You know nothing! You have no idea what I’ve done. As a child I might have been slightly reluctant but that was only the beginning. When the choice was mine to be made, I did nothing to prevent the old man from pushing his influences on me.” He bent closer to her. “I did nothing to prevent him from destroying the man you once knew.”
She didn’t yield as he expected. “What did you do that you think was so unforgivable? You are not the first man to dally with a lightskirt, or drink, or gamble for that matter. I hardly doubt you will be the last. What supposed misdeed did you do that would erase the kind and caring young man I chased around as a child?”
Before he could stop the words, they fell from his mouth. “I killed a woman.”
Chapter 23
The confession hung between them.
In her wide eyes he saw confusion engulf her before disbelief took its place. Damn, why hadn’t he held his tongue? He’d had no intent of revealing that fateful day. Now he so desperately wanted to take those words back.
“I don’t believe you.” Her uneven tone showed she wasn’t as skeptical as she claimed.
“I only wish it were a lie.” He walked away from her, closer to the river’s edge.
He wasn’t surprised when she followed, but he didn’t look at her. “I don’t understand.” Her voice was soft, almost as if afraid to ask.
Continuing to stare at nothing in particular, he ran a hand through his hair, giving it a tug. This had been a dreadful idea. All he had wanted was to breach the chasm that had opened between them. He never imagined it would lead to him divulging the existence of his demons.
Knowing Elizabeth, not even his most autocratic manner would cover up what he’d revealed. Foreseeing no other alternative, he prepared to admit what he swore to never speak of.
It wasn’t easy but he managed to hide his turbulent emotions behind the mask he’d perfected over the years. In the most blasé of tones he stated, “As I’ve tried to explain before, I’m not the man you’ve imagined me.”
She opened her mouth to speak, with what was sure to be a denial, but he raised his hand to forestall her. If he was going to get through this, he had to press on, disallowing her to sway him from what had become his purpose—to expose the darkness inside him.
“I know what you are going to say but your opinion has been concluded without having all the facts. There are things I’ve done most people don’t know about.” He was afraid to say the words that might prove most persuasive, but he had to if was going to convince her. “Not even your brother.”
Because she knew of the deep friendship he had with her brother, she wouldn’t be able to overlook what it meant for him to keep a secret from Marcus. Since Eton, Marcus had been his confidant in almost everything. His friend was even privy to the hell his father had put him through. But Gabe never had the strength to tell his friend what had happened that wretched day when he was one and twenty.
To witness their friendship replaced by disgust would have cut too deep. Without a doubt, if Marcus ever learned the truth, there would be nothing else for his upstanding friend to do but hate him.
Marcus’s moral code was strong and true. He would never be able to look beyond his friend murdering a helpless woman.
Before Gabe proceeded, he studied her beautiful face. The lovely features were etched with uncertainty, and if he wasn’t mistaken, a touch of pain. None of that destroyed her loveliness. She was an exquisite woman. It was his own damned luck that he was about to unequivocally smash any possible chance of a future with her—not to mention the delicate bond of their friendship.
He squared his shoulders, reaching for much-needed courage. This was for the best. Even if he could erase the past and resurrect that poor woman—to eschew being a murderer—he still wouldn’t be the man for her. His father had made sure of that. Elizabeth needed someone good, someone who could love her fully. Beyond attempting to break free of his father’s lessons, Gabe honestly didn’t think he was strong enough to be faithful to her.
Instead he pushed steel through his body, stood tall, and braced himself for the impact of her horror as she discovered the monster he could be. “Once my father had taken an interest in me, he didn’t relinquish his control. Even while in school there had been little he didn’t know regarding my daily activities. It wasn’t until after his death I learned he’d had people following me, assuring I learned how to be a proper Wesbrook.
“There was no escaping the man and his influence. No one knew how to make one’s life a complete hell as my father did. To keep him appeased, I engaged in his required pastimes. Besides, what young man wasn’t carousing? Drinking and such. I didn’t see the harm, not if it kept the old man from exerting some sort of punishment if I didn’t.”
Restless now, Gabe started up the hill to the edge of the trees, gesturing to Elizabeth that she join him. When they reached the crest, he took a seat on a fallen log, gratified when she perched next to him.
Knowing the beginning of the worst came next, he placed his elbows on his bent knees, hands clasped before him, and peered into the distance.
“Apparently the duke thought I wasn’t doing justice to the family legacy.” Sarcasm crept into his voice. “Being a caring and considerate father, he made sure I was—how should I phrase it—not lacking in opportunity.
“If I happened to find myself between ladies, he took it upon himself to send one my way. It actually had been rather degrading having my father think I was incapable of seeing to my own pleasure. In truth, it wasn’t my capabilities he found lacking. He believed a man s
hould have a woman tucked away at all times, ready to please him at the drop of a hat.”
A gentle shift of her body proved her only reaction to his confession that his father had supplied him with whores.
“Thinking these were his usual women with loose morals, I didn’t question it. But I should have. Knowing my father, I should have.” His hands tightened and he swallowed to ease the knot lodged in his throat. “Especially when he’d presented me with Mary. That is—was—her name . . . Mary. Pretty. Much less assuming than the others he’d pushed on me. I didn’t know at the time but she’d been little more than a babe, merely six and ten.”
Elizabeth’s body tightened. A light pressing of her thigh against his the only contact between them, still he felt the added tension. An inner voice begged him to stop. This wasn’t her burden to withstand. He had no right to shatter her innocence with the dark truths of the world.
It was too late to retreat, so he closed his eyes and when he had the strength, he opened them and rushed on. “My father had settled her in the private residence he had lent for me—specifically for furthering my education—before I met her. That first day I sensed she wasn’t a seasoned professional. Looking for verification, I asked her if she knew what would be expected of her. She claimed I wouldn’t be her first and knew what her role was. Despite her assurance, her answer rang false. To this day I’d swear she was a virgin.
“Having my doubts, I never approached her as a way to slake my desires. My father might have wished it of me, but I wasn’t entirely the dirty scoundrel he’d strove to create. I contemplated providing her with a generous settlement and sending her on her way. Knowing my father had eyes around all corners, I knew it would be only a matter of time before he heard and found some way to acquire retribution for turning away his gift. So, I did nothing.”
Despair at what happened next took hold of his chest and squeezed. It had been seven years since he’d even spoken Mary’s name, and not because she’d been out of his thoughts. “Over the course of the next few days she seemed to soften slightly, to not cast her gaze downward whenever I approached her. We even managed to have a conversation or two. But I never bedded her. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. For her sake, I should have ended the whole pretense. I could tell she wasn’t happy. She didn’t want to be there. Even still, I did nothing because I was afraid of what my father’s retaliation would be. She paid with her life.”
Memories of the grief he’d felt returned and engulfed him from the inside out. He took a few shallow breaths to ease the tightness.
“How . . . how did she die?” Elizabeth asked in a whispered breath.
“She drowned.” The words once spoken sounded so final. She drowned. The two simple words would never fully explain what had happened to the young woman. A life snuffed out far before its time. And all he could say was she drowned. “In the Thames.”
“But . . . how did she fall in?”
An impractical side wanted to let her believe that. To take the easy way out. Elizabeth had offered a completely sensible explanation. It would be so simple for him to pretend that was all it had been—an accident. That she’d innocently fallen into the water.
“She didn’t fall.”
“I don’t understand.”
His voice thick with dread, he revealed the last moments of Mary’s young life. “She threw herself into the river. It was late . . . dark. Even if someone had been around, I don’t think he would have noticed. With her dress anchoring her down, it couldn’t have taken long for her to succumb. She probably didn’t even struggle.”
A silence stretched between them before she asked, “I thought you said you killed her.”
“I might not have with my own hands, but I’m still the reason she is dead. If I had been stronger—if I had stood against my father—she would still be alive. My actions, or lack thereof, resulted in her death. I’m nothing but responsible.”
“How do you know it wasn’t an accident? Or someone else didn’t push her?”
“She left a note. It was all very clear. She couldn’t live with the shame of what her life had become.”
“That doesn’t mean it had anything to do with you. Gabe, look at me.”
Unsure of what emotions he would find upon her face, he slowly turned. What he saw when he finally glanced up caused his heart to skip a beat. Expecting anything from horror to fear, the genuine compassion looking back at him took a moment to digest. Tears shone in her eyes but there was no tightness in her features.
“Gabe, I don’t believe this was your fault. You had no way of knowing what she would do to herself. If you had, you would have stopped her. I know you would have.”
Light humor collided with the edge of his pain, ebbing some of the old hurt. It was nice to discover that no matter the situation, she remained stubborn. Somehow not even the truth of his past could alter her opinion of him. Such faith in him had not been wisely placed, because he knew what he had done and what he’d been responsible for.
“Minx, while I appreciate your unwavering devotion, I know I’m to blame. I could have prevented her death. I knew she was distressed. And after several days with her I also knew she wasn’t a woman of loose morals. I don’t know how my father convinced her to become my mistress but she should never have been placed in that position. I had the resources to remove her from London and away from my father’s influences.”
“But—”
He cut her off before she could persist. Acquainted with her willful side, he knew there wasn’t much he could say to change her mind. Instead, he opted for a change of subject. “I should never have spoken of it. Besides, you wanted to speak of Phoebe.”
Her pink lips thinned slightly with a narrowing of her eyes. “Don’t you dare, Gabriel St. James. You can’t pass this off so easily.”
“Easy? You think any of this is easy for me?” He practically shouted the protest, losing all sense of calm. “Do you think it doesn’t rip me in half speaking of this?” He fought to control his rage. “It has taken me a long time to move on.”
Her gaze held his and he swore she could read his inner thoughts. After a moment, her expression eased and a look of acceptance consumed her. “All right. I won’t press, but only because I care about you. Don’t for one moment think I believe you are anything but the man I’ve seen you as since I was a child.”
Obviously this would not be the last time addressing the subject of his past with Elizabeth Blakely. Gabe only hoped he would survive it when it happened.
Chapter 24
The ride back to the stable had been tense and filled with silence. As they cantered, Elizabeth’s mind replayed Gabe’s story. Try as she might, she hadn’t been able to reconcile the man she knew and loved with the person he wanted her to accept.
Once they’d returned, needing to think, she excused herself from Gabe and Nate, who had still been hanging around the stable, and quickly retired to her chamber.
Once within, she couldn’t wrap her mind around what she’d been told. Her initial feelings of dismay and sadness for Gabe as a young boy were long erased by anger and rage at what his own father had subjected him to.
She sat, staring with unfocused eyes at the garden below, recalling again all Gabe had told her. The warmth of the sun pouring through the window couldn’t penetrate the chill that had spread through her at the thought of Gabe’s father. During his visits at Foxmoore, Gabe had always appeared to be a carefree young man. Even if she had been older, instead of a child eight years his junior, she still would never have sensed the inner struggle he’d hidden.
Her hands fisted. Fury, at the vile man who’d held no qualifications to be a father, accomplished what the sun hadn’t been able to do, and swept her body with heat.
It was unconscionable to think no one had interceded on Gabe’s behalf. Elizabeth knew Gabe’s mother h
ad her own demons to face, but to allow Gabe’s father to do what he’d done was intolerable.
Elizabeth stood and walked to the bedside table. Resting where she had placed it, the day she had arrived, was her mother’s locket. She picked it up and instantly felt connected to her. As she continued to study the golden heart, the love of her parents swept her, adding confusion to her array of emotions.
She didn’t doubt what Gabe shared with her, but she struggled to understand how a parent could treat a child in such a way.
As for what Gabe had told her about Mary and her death, Elizabeth would never believe him to be at fault. There had to be more to it. And she wouldn’t rest until she discovered what it was.
She fingered the locket a moment longer before returning it to its place. It appeared she had a new mission while at Frenton Hall. To uncover the truth behind Mary’s death and prove to Gabe he wasn’t to blame.
And she knew exactly where to begin . . . with Nate.
The door to her room opened and her maid entered as she was about to change from her riding habit. “Oh, miss, you startled me. I don’t mean to disturb you. I hadn’t realized you returned.”
The Duke's Temptation Page 17
