by S M Broad
The wind whips my wild red mane around my face as we ride down a country road in Kohen’s Jeep. I turn the radio up to an ear-splitting volume, singing along with “Baby Be My Love Song” by Easton Corbin. I throw my hands above my head, letting them linger out the top of the open roll cage, swaying back and forth to the music.
Kohen sings above the song, laughing freely as he drives. I sit back against the seat, watching him tap his hands on the steering wheel while he mouths the words to the song. It’s at that moment, I realize something.
I’m in love with him.
My body heats, cheeks flushing with color. He glances at me, then ahead again, keeping the lifted vehicle steady on the road.
“What?” He smiles, reaching across the seat to grab my hand.
“Nothing, I’m just enjoying the drive. The view is pretty great too.” Locking our fingers together tightly, I bite my lip as blissful happiness washes over me. The Jeep suddenly jerks as Kohen cranks the wheel, pulling into a cornfield and rolling to a stop. I glance at him just as his smile grows.
“Come with me.” He jumps out, and I follow, walking to the front of the Jeep. He lifts me by my hips to rest on the hood, and I pull my hair up into a messy bun to get the tangled knots out of my face. Stepping up after me, he sits down, and we watch the sun sink below the earth, content to just be in each other’s presence.
“Hey.”
“Yeah?” I look over at him, smiling.
“Dance with me?” Kohen asks, sliding from the hood to the ground to hold a hand out to me. Grinning, I jump down, sliding my hands to the back of his neck as we sway back and forth to “H.O.L.Y” by Florida Georgia Line. After a few peaceful minutes, a light tickle on my elbow gets my attention, making me look up at him.
“I tell you what,” Kohen tucks a flyaway hair behind my ear. “This warm sunset light makes you look…” His eyes roam my face.
“Hideous.” He grins as a loud laugh bursts from my mouth.
“You’re such an asshole.” I beam, smacking his chest lightly.
“I’m just messin’ with you.” He bends down, his face a whisper away from mine. “You’re always beautiful.” He looks at me reverently.
“My Leila,” Kohen speaks against my lips, stealing the three words on the tip of my tongue...
I blink, returning to the present. It’s startling to realize just how much I do miss him. Not that it matters, we’ll never be able to get back what we lost. When the plane lands at LAX, I climb into a cab and take the long forty-five-minute ride back to my apartment in Rolling Hills.
As the car travels down the streets leading to my place, I reluctantly decide it’s time to face the music; and by the music, I mean Kohen. I summon all the courage I can muster, and for the first time since things ended, I text him first.
Me: I’m sorry for what happened at the bar and the way I left too.
I scrunch my eyes shut, hitting send before shoving it back into my purse, hiding because I’m too afraid to talk to him. The cab rolls to a stop in front of my apartment, and I shell out the fare, wishing the cabbie good night. I hike my duffle up my arm and push my way to the door. When I feel my phone buzzing against my side, I clench my teeth. Unlocking the door and pushing into my small pad, I fish my phone out, not bothering to look at the screen because I already know it’s him. Touching the green button, I press it to my ear in silence.
“Leila.” He uses my full name, which he only does when he's pissed off, scared or turned on. His voice is gritty, full of emotion.
“That’s me.” I stifle my own feelings, trying for indifference.
“I’m...Uh...Fuck. I don’t know what to say, I didn’t think you’d talk to me.”
“Kohen,” I breathe his name, making him groan quietly. “I already told you I can’t do this. Look, I’m really sorry about how I handled the situation, but it was a mistake.”
“Don’t say that.”
“It was.”
“No, it wasn’t.”
“You broke up with me.”
“No, I didn’t.” His short answers are pissing me off so bad that I can only laugh bitterly.
“So, what you’re telling me is that screaming at someone to get the hell out of their life is a sort of secret code for ‘I want to be with you?’ Well fuck, wish I would have gotten the Kohen Stone handbook a little sooner. I could have saved myself a lot of tears.” I drop down on the couch, rubbing my temples.
“Leila, please. You just have to let me explain.”
“Don’t you ‘Leila, please’ me. I don’t have to do shit. You said everything that mattered the day I left Grayson. I tried to give you comfort, and all you did was push me away. I understand you were hurting, I sure as hell didn’t deserve the way you treated me. I-” Pausing to gather my wits, I decide he needs to hear the truth no matter how much it hurts him. How much it kills me to say. “I love you.”
“You love me?” He sucks in a sharp breath.
“Loved.” I correct my accidental slip. “I loved you so much, and you threw me away.”
“You never told me.”
“It wouldn’t have mattered anyway, would it?” Tears build up in my eyes, spilling over my lashes.
“Lei-” He tries to interrupt me, but I talk over him.
“Just stop!” I yell in frustration. “Stop saying my name, stop trying to make excuses for your actions. The drinking, I couldn’t handle it anymore. The anger, the distance, I just had to walk away. I tried my damndest to help you, and instead, you let it win.” I breathe.
“You let it win, Kohen.” I close my eyes. “I guess I’m not good enough for anyone.”
“That’s not true.” His quiet voice is barely audible through the phone.
“No? Not my dad, not you. I can’t do it anymore, Kohen. I really can’t. Stop texting me, calling me.” I dig deep, controlling my tears the best I can. His breathing is weighted and heavy on the other end of the line, but he doesn’t say a word. Once again, my heart secretly hopes he doesn’t let me go, that he’ll tell me to shut up because he loves me, that he’s going to fight for me. I hope he’ll tell me to pack up my shit and come back to Grayson so we can be together. I wait several minutes, but his silence is the final nail in the coffin. When it’s clear that he’s not going to say anything else, I blink back fresh tears as I deliver my last words.
“This is goodbye, Kohen.”
Chapter 8
Running on four hours of sleep is never good for anyone, and I’m feeling the dreaded mid-morning slump hard by ten o’clock. I head to the dull, painted gray kitchen of my office building for my fourth cup of coffee, hoping the extra caffeine boost will help me get through the rest of my day.
“Good morning, Steve.” I wave at my co-worker as I pop a dark roast pod into the Keurig. I rub my make-up free and red-rimmed eyes while the machine spits hot coffee into the generic white mug.
I stir in some old, chunky vanilla-flavored powder creamer and make my way back to my cubicle. Just as I’m rounding the corner, the phone on my desk rings. I set the mug down beside my computer and fit my headset back onto my ear, pressing the button to answer.
“Customer Service Center, this is Leila. How may I assist you today?” I speak into the mouthpiece before taking a sip from the mug, cringing at the taste of the crappy coffee.
I need some Dunkin.
The customer on the other end of the line whines and wails about a programming issue on their computer. This isn’t an issue I can help with, so I transfer them to Tech Support. I field call after call and grow more irritated as I sit here at my desk, hating this ho-hum nine to five job. It’s barely even a job. Hell, I had better hours working at Dairy Queen when I was sixteen.
I hate being here, being alone with nobody to really talk to. I have a few acquaintances from work, but I don’t really consider them friends because we never hang out. The days have become weeks of mundane tasks, shuffling from work to my apartment in a daze.
August has bled away into Sep
tember, another fresh start. Yet I’m still miserable, even the photography classes I’ve started taking can’t shake me from this funk.
One sunny Friday evening after work, I sit on the beach, watching the crested waves crashing into the shore. I snap a few pictures of the sunset and children making sandcastles before tucking my Nikon back into my beach bag. The sweet innocence of the kids’ faces, and their joyful laughter make me think of Hensley, and my emotions take control.
Instead of wiping the tears, I let them fall from behind my dark Aviator sunglasses, reflecting on when I became this sad person. A dull, lifeless, devoid of feeling version of the Leila I used to be.
When I said goodbye to the man who holds my heart.
The only happiness I feel is when I talk to Aayla, but I always wish for more fulfillment out of my life. I want the happily ever after. I want that intense kind of love. But even if I never find a man who loves me, I know Aayla does. I know I have Hensley too, even Latham calls me his sister. When my phone blares “Those Nights” by Skillet, I look down at it, smiling when I see my favorite picture of my best friend and me from her wedding.
My sister, my soulmate, my person.
It’s as if the universe had told her that I needed to hear her voice and delivered. I answer with a genuine smile.
“Hey, Ay.”
“Hi.”
“I miss you.”
“I miss you too, Lei. How are your photography classes?” Her voice brings me that deep comfort I’ve been needing.
“Classes are good, I really like my instructor. I’ve been learning different lighting techniques.”
“That’s really cool. So, how are you doing?”
“I’m fine,” I say even though I know, she hears in my voice that I am so not fine.
“Leila Ivy Dennison,” She scolds me like a small child, making me sigh. She’s really got that stern mom voice down pat. “Tell me what’s really going on with you.”
“I don’t know, Aayla. I feel...lost, and I’m not sure how to find my way back.” The other end of the phone is too quiet as she processes my words, so I change the subject. I don’t want to ask, but I can’t stop myself. “Is...Is he okay?”
“No. He’s drinking again and...” She pauses, not wanting to finish the sentence.
“What is it?” I ask out of pure curiosity.
“Latham thinks he may be using drugs too. They had an all-out screaming match the other day when he came by the house. He was so messed up, he scared the hell out of Hensley.”
Drugs? Oh, Kohen.
“He’s not himself, Leila.” She says quietly, the sadness in her tone has me deflating like a flat tire.
Me either.
“I tried Aayla. I tried to help him, but if I learned anything from the sperm donor, it’s that you can’t help someone who doesn’t want it. They have to want to change.” I frown, shaking my head.
“You’re right.” She says sadly. The disappointment I feel is intense, but I push it away and change the subject again.
“What’s going on with you?” I draw shapes in the sand absentmindedly.
“Well…That’s why I wanted to call you in the first place.” She goes quiet, and I start to worry that things with Kohen have upset her too much.
“Aayla, is everything okay?”
“Yeah,” She sniffles. “Yeah, everything is fine.”
“What’s going on? Why are you crying?” The hairs on my arm stand at attention. “You’re really scaring me. Is it Hensley? Latham? Oh no, Boss?” I ramble, shaking my head that I’m even worried about their dog.
“No, no. We’re all good, great actually.” She pauses for a beat. “I’m pregnant, Lei.” I hear the smile in her voice through her happy tears.
“Are you shitting me?”
“No,” She laughs. “I was feeling nauseous, and realized I was two weeks late, so I took a test last week. I go to the doctor for my ultrasound on Monday.”
My heart soars, deciding for me. “I’m coming home.”
“You’re coming to visit again? That’s great!” She seems to have misunderstood me.
“No, not to visit, I’m leaving California...I’m moving back to Grayson.”
My family needs me.
“Can I stay with you guys until I find a place?”
“Of course, you can!” Aayla screams joyfully, which makes me burst into tears. This is the kick I’ve needed to take back control of my life. I scramble up off the sand, gathering my stuff and dashing to the road to get a cab. I call my boss and leave her a message that I quit along with a profuse apology for the too short notice. When I get back to my place, I book a one-way flight to Grayson for Sunday at ten a.m. and start to pack up my stuff in the boxes stored at the back of my closet. I’m thankful that my apartment was already furnished when I moved in. All I have is clothes and a few miscellaneous items that can be quickly shipped to Georgia. I feel genuinely happy for the first time in months, my heart is full.
I’m going home.
Chapter 9
Aayla and I sit in the waiting area, chatting quietly as we wait to be called back for her appointment. Latham asked me to go with her to the doctor because he and his brother Davis were swamped at work filling in for their sick dad while Aayla’s boss and good friend Abby watches Hensley. My phone vibrates in my hand with a text, and I look down, frowning.
Kohen: I’m so sorry about everything.
It’s the first time I’ve heard from him since our conversation, and my heart kicks behind my ribs. My body flares with a vague feeling, it’s there and gone before I can breathe a complete lungful of air.
“Who is it?” Aayla asks, tilting her head to peek at my phone, the whites of her eyes more significant than the brown irises. “You okay?”
“I’m fine.” I tuck my phone away and turn to give her my most convincing smile, trying to throw her off my discomfort.
A wooden door opens to an older lady in Bugs Bunny scrubs with salt and pepper hair holding a clipboard, looking around the crowded room.
“Aayla Reed.” She calls, smiling when we stand to follow her back to the exam room. She holds out a small plastic cup to Aayla, telling her they need a urine sample to test. Once that’s done, and she takes Aayla’s weight, we continue to the room, waiting for a nurse to come in.
“Are you nervous?” I ask her from my seat in the corner, and she smiles warmly at me.
“Not like I was when I was pregnant with Hensley.” She smiles again. “It’s more an anxious excitement now. Latham is beyond ecstatic.” She rubs her still flat belly, anticipating when it will be round with another baby to love.
I hope I get a nephew.
A light rap on the door gets our attention as the nurse comes in, carrying a computer with her.
“Hello, Mrs. Reed. My name is Claudia, how are you today?
“Good, you?”
“Wonderful. We ran your urine panel, and you are indeed pregnant.” She gets Aayla’s vitals, blood pressure, heart rate, her last visit from Aunt Flow. You know, all that vital information for telling you when your spawn’s gonna come ripping out of your hoo-hah like The Kraken.
“Judging by the date of your last period, I’d say you’re about six weeks. Maybe seven, but we’ll be able to give you a better idea once we get the ultrasound. You’ll need your bottoms off and cover up with this sheet.” Nurse Claudia hands Aayla a cloth and tells us the doctor will be in momentarily to do the vaginal ultrasound then leaves us to wait. I grin like a madwoman, bouncing my eyebrows at Aayla while she undresses and hands me her undies wrapped up in her jeans, already thinking the same thing she is. She got pregnant the last time I was here; the night I babysat for her and Latham.
“Naughty!” I laugh as her cheeks redden more. “Where did you guys plant the seed?”
She covers her face in embarrassment. “Which time? He probably got me on the first try, honestly.”
I have to laugh at that. “I never knew you were such a nympho.”
; “It’s just Latham, the man makes me crazy hot. We’re talking three times that night, Leila.”
“Holy shit, that’s got to be some kind of married couple record.” I joke, secretly feeling totally jealous that her donut is getting glazed.
“The first time was in the driver's seat of the Impala in the movie theater parking lot. Oh my God, Lei. It’d been weeks since we’d been together. Hensley has been in bed with us almost every night. I mean, we’ve never gone that long, not even after she was born.” She closes her eyes briefly. I wipe an imaginary tear from the corner of my eye.
“I’m so proud of you.”
“I practically jumped his bones. Jesus, I couldn’t get his pants off fast enough.” She fans her face, whispering almost a dreamy hum. “So hot.”
“You’re such a lucky biotch.” I wink at her as we giggle like a couple of teenage girls. We have to compose ourselves when the doctor comes in.
“Hi there, Aayla. So, baby number two?” Her doctor, Simmons, glances down at the file and back up to Aayla as she nods. “Let’s have a look. Lay back for me, feet in the stirrups, and we’ll get started.” Dr. Simmons takes the wand, which looks like a freakin’ dildo if you ask me, squirts lube on it, and inserts it all up in my best friend’s tunnel of love.
Ouch.
“Little bit of pressure here.” Dr. Simmons says as Aayla winces. The black screen on the ultrasound machine whirs to life, displaying a grainy picture of Aayla’s baby factory. Dr. Simmons twists the wand this way and that, trying to find the baby.
“Ah, there you are, little one.” Dr. Simmons says when the tiny bean pops up on the screen. I squint at the fuzziness, noticing something doesn’t look quite right. I don’t have a medical degree, but this ultrasound seems different than the one’s Aayla had from Hensley's pregnancy. This looks like a big blob of chaos, and my stomach drops, churning with dread when I think about the baby inside my best friend’s womb being sick or worse. Dr. Simmons frowns slightly, moving the wand around again, which makes Aayla notice and start to panic.
