by Kahlen Aymes
“I was going to say an old married couple.”
“Hardly, Ellie,” Julia said. I couldn’t tell if her laugh was nervous embarrassment or mocking.
I ignored her comment.
“I agree with Ellie!” Jenna said with a grin. “I don’t understand you guys at all. You should just date.”
It wasn’t her place to understand anything, and I didn’t care what any of them thought about our relationship. Again, I got that weird feeling in my gut that I hated. Julia’s head was down again and I couldn’t tell what she was thinking. “Aaron, you ready?”
“Yep.” He threw the papers from his burgers on the counter and followed me out the door.
When we got in my CRV, I looked at Aaron right after I shoved the key in the ignition. “Aaron, can you ask your girlfriend to stop saying shit like that?” I was irritated and it showed.
I pulled out of the parking lot of their building and made a left turn.
“I’m sure she meant nothing by it, bro. She sees how you and Julia are together, that’s all. We all do.”
“You don’t know shit. My relationship with Julia is nobody’s business.”
“Why are you getting so pissed, Ryan?”
I took a deep breath. “I’m not. It’s just that it’s hard enough without the rest of you interjecting crap we need to address. Just leave us alone.”
“I’ve been thinking it for more than two years. Why the fuck aren’t you with her, again?” I shot him a dirty look that told him to shut the fuck up, but he didn’t. “I mean, you’re with her.”
“No I’m not. The reason I can’t go out tonight is because I’m seeing Darcie.”
He was quiet for a moment, and I concentrated on the road.
“How do you feel about Darcie?”
If I told the truth, I’d sound like a dick. “I like her. She’s sexy, and we have fun together.”
“And how do you feel about Julia?”
My jaw shot out. Leave it to Aaron to make me think about it. I shook my head without answering.
“Well?”
“Well, what? What do you want me to say?”
“I want you to answer the question.”
I swallowed and pulled into the parking lot of the thrift store.
“I care about Julia. She’s my best friend.”
“You don’t think she’s hot?”
I parked then turned toward Aaron angrily. “Yeah! I think she’s hot, but that just complicates everything!”
“When you’re fucking other women, are you thinking about Julia? When you beat off, are you thinking about her?”
I glared at him. I’d never wanted to punch my brother before, but I was inches from it. This wasn’t anything I hadn’t already thought about.
“That doesn’t matter, Aaron. My romantic relationships don’t last long and Julia is someone I want around for good.”
“Listen to yourself, Ryan. Jesus, I feel like Dr. Phil. Your relationships tank because you’re not in them. Julia is the reason you don’t care about anyone else. Don’t you get that?”
My skin felt on fire, heat rushing up from my chest and over my neck to finally burn my face. It physically burned. I sighed and looked out through the windshield, the muscle in my jaw working overtime.
“You’re in denial. We all see it.”
“I’m not going to fuck up my friendship with Julia and I’m not going to tell you that again! Just drop it. Don’t bring it up, and tell Jenna to keep her mouth shut!”
He shook his head in disgust. “When you’re fucking Darcie tonight, you remember what I said. See who you’re thinking about.”
“I said, shut the fuck up, Aaron!” I was pissed, but was I angry at Aaron or myself? I didn’t know. “I know what I’m doing.” My tone was fierce, and I was furious he was making me face something I’d been trying to tamp down for-fucking ever.
He looked at me in disbelief. “Okay, whatever Ryan.” He pulled on the door handle and started to get out of the car. “You’re hurting Julia, in case you didn’t notice,” he shot at me, frowning.
I shut off the engine and got out. I was still fuming, but felt sick inside as we started to walk into the store. Hurting Julia was the last thing I wanted to do.
“But, what-the-fuck-ever,” Aaron muttered under his breath.
Inside, I wanted to look around and found an old pair of jeans I could wear the next day to paint in and threw them over my shoulder. I still hadn’t spoken to him, but when Aaron saw what I was doing, he followed suit. I went to the men’s shirt section and found a button-down with short sleeves. It was an ugly plaid and in a small size.
“That won’t fit you, Ryan,” he muttered.
“Thanks, Mr. Obvious. It’s not for me.” I flushed at the implications of the impending purchase.
He nodded knowingly, his brows rising and his mouth pressing into a thin line. “I bet you a hundred bucks it isn’t for Darcie.”
I walked around him without a word and went to the register to pay for the pants and shirt.
Aaron handed over the paid-in-full receipt for the couch. “We’re here to get this. I was here earlier.”
“Sure. We have a loading dock of sorts at the back of the building.” She pointed to the rear of the building. “Drive around. I’ll open the door and meet you there.”
Aaron went with the girl, and I went to my car. The heat that accumulated inside from the beating down sunshine made the inside suffocating. It didn’t help that I felt like a thousand pound weight was on my chest. I turned on the engine and cranked the A/C. “Fuuuuuuck!” I yelled. I threw myself back in my seat and rubbed a hand over my face. “God damn you, Aaron!”
I sat there for a good five minutes before I felt in control enough to drive around the back of the store to pick up my brother and the couch.
*****
It was dark, but I had three candles burning that flickered on the walls and ceiling. I was lying on the new, old couch, alone in my new apartment. Aaron, Ellie, and Jenna had left to go to one of the dance clubs about three hours earlier. Ryan left an hour ago after his phone wouldn’t stop ringing.
It was awkward, but I’d finally gotten it out of him that the person calling was a girl he’d been dating all summer. While it hurt, I wasn’t shocked. I wasn’t surprised he didn’t tell me about her any more than I wasn’t surprised I didn’t tell him I broke up with Dave.
My chest felt hollow, and my throat ached. My eyes burned with unshed tears. I was trying so hard not to cry. Fuck crying. Fuck feeling like hell. I was staring at the flickering shadows the candles cast off of things around the room, but it all blurred in front of my eyes as they filled with tears.
It ripped my heart out to think of him with someone else. I felt like I was dying. I couldn’t breathe as I rolled onto my side and pulled my knees up. I wrapped my arms around them, closed my eyes, and the tears were forced out, rolling down my face. One dripped from the bridge of my nose and onto the arm of the couch, which my head was resting on. It was uncomfortable without a pillow, but I barely noticed. I drew in a shaky breath, that felt like a knife shredding my lungs as they resisted expanding.
It didn’t matter that I’d told myself I was going to deal. It still hurt like hell. I loved him more than was healthy, and I bottled it all up inside. I sniffed as the tears dripped silently from my eyes until finally, the sobs started to shake my shoulders, and the sound of it filled the room. I couldn’t help it, and maybe letting it out was the release I needed. All of this pent-up misery had to go somewhere. Ryan caused so many emotions, and I was addicted. Addicted to the rush of seeing him, addicted to the love I felt, addicted to his face, and addicted to the way only he could make me feel… and even to this awful, debilitating pain. I even needed it in some sick way.
It meant I loved him, and to nullify the pain would mean losing the love. Maybe losing Ryan. It would mean being away from him, of ending our friendship, and even then, I’d hurt. I wasn’t sure quitting him cold turkey would
be any better than this. I’d be miserable every minute and not just the evenings like this. Until graduation, knowing he was close by, it would be worse trying to stay away from him than dealing with this shit whenever he went out. I gasped for breath and sat up, wiping at the tears on my cheeks with both of my hands.
I went to the kitchen to get a glass of water, but seeing the few beers still left in the fridge, I took one of those instead. I hated beer, but maybe it would help me sleep. I wanted sleep—deep enough not to dream. I popped it open and took a long chug. It tasted bitter, and I grimaced. Still, I chugged down half of the can. I needed something to occupy my mind. There was only one thing that worked on nights like this. I set my beer on the floor under one of the windows next to where the candles were and picked one of them up. My bare feet padded into my bedroom to find my sketchpad and charcoal pencils before retracing my steps.
I set the candle down then settled next to it, on the floor and leaning against the wall under the window. I opened the pad and picked up a pencil. I’d decided on a soft rock playlist on my iPod, and the soft strains of Mirrors came on. It was a cover version of the Justin Timberlake song that Ryan had found by accident, and we both liked it better than the original. It was acoustic and Ryan had even played along with it once. Without sheet music, he’d been able to follow it perfectly.
The harmonies were calming. I sucked in my breath and threw my head back trying to form in my head, the image of what I wanted to draw. The song filled the room and reminded me of Ryan. Of us. There was no way I could not see him. Regardless of this fucking struggle, I had to come to terms with it. I knew I could count on Ryan, and we’d always be there for each other, no matter what. That fact would have to get me through nights like this.
I started to sing with the song as I put his image on the page. I felt calmer, my heart settled and the ache began to ease.
It was midnight when I finished and put the new portrait of Ryan into my portfolio. I leaned it up against the wall, wishing I had an art table to stash the sketchpad and pencils in. Instead, I took them with me to the bedroom to put them away in the lower drawer of the dresser. A hot shower and bed, then the sun would rise on another Sunday. Ryan would come over, and we’d finish the work on the table set… Maybe I’d make breakfast if he came early enough.
*****
I did it. But once it was done, I had to get the fuck out of there. Goddamn Aaron. He was right. I felt intensely claustrophobic with Darcie’s fingers grasping and pulling at my back and arms. I’d had to turn her over and take her from behind just to get through it. It was ridiculous. I’d been with several women in the past two years, and yes, maybe I did think about Julia from time to time. I couldn’t lie to myself about it. But tonight, she was everywhere, in everything.
Maybe there were times I deliberately had sex with someone because the feelings I had for Julia were becoming too much for me, but besides that, Aaron’s words were still raw and screaming at me. The minute Darcie and I were done, I wanted to leave. I felt like a dick on multiple levels, but it didn’t matter. I’d rarely stayed all night during the summer either, but now, tonight, there was no way in hell it could happen.
It was barely midnight. I’d arrived later than I planned and was with her less than an hour. Still, I had to leave. I got up, peeled the condom off, and threw it in the trash. Darcie’s apartment was on the opposite side of campus from mine and Aaron’s and now, Ellie and Julia’s.
“Ryan?” Darcie called softly from the bedroom. The bathroom wasn’t connected, and thank goodness, her roommate was out because I was naked.
“Yeah?” I called back, turning on the water. I splashed some on my face then used toilet paper to clean off my cock as best I could before throwing it in the toilet and flushing it.
“Come back to bed.”
I walked back into the dark bedroom and fumbled around to find my clothes. “I gotta go,” I said, sitting down on the edge of the bed to put on my boxer briefs then quickly stood to pull them up. I bent to retrieve my jeans.
She propped up onto her elbow, the white sheet outlined her body but I couldn’t see her expression without a light on. I couldn’t see her red hair or her eyes. I didn’t want to. “You were late getting here, now you’re leaving already?”
“Yeah. I have work to do early tomorrow. Today,” I added.
“So, what? I’m just a quick fuck tonight?”
“Darcie, you asked me to come over. I told you I was working.” I was impatient, threw my T-shirt over my head, and shoved my arms in the sleeves.
“I know. Cuz I wanted to see you. I haven’t seen you at all this week. What’s different?” I could hear the disappointment in her voice.
“I’m sorry. I’m busy this week. I’m helping some friends set up their apartment before classes start.”
“Who are the friends?”
“Mainly, it’s my best friend, Julia Abbott.”
“A woman?”
“Yes.” I ran my hand through my hair. “We found some old furniture and we’re trying to restore it. It’s a lot of work, and I promised I’d be there early.”
“Why haven’t you mentioned her before?”
Fuck, did I want to tell her the truth? What the hell, my mind couldn’t come up with a lie. “Because I keep Julia separate from the women I date.”
Darcie sat up further, gathering the sheet to cover her chest. “Why? Is she jealous?”
More word vomit truth was coming and I couldn’t stop it. “Not necessarily. You might be, though.”
“Is she some sort of beauty queen or something?”
“Or something,” I agreed. “Look Darcie, I really don’t want to get into it.”
“Maybe I do.” She reached over and turned on the lamp on the nightstand.
I sighed and put my hands on my hips, exasperated. “Okay, fine. What’d ya want to know?”
“So she is pretty?”
“Yeah, and smart and cool. I can tell her anything.”
“Not everything, if you didn’t tell her about me.”
I met her eyes steadily but shook my head. “No.”
She looked hurt and angry, a frown on her face. “Why isn’t she your girlfriend if she’s so great?”
“Because she’s so great is the reason.” Shit! I knew that was the wrong thing to say as soon as the words were out. I didn’t need a light on to sense Darcie’s anger. “Just… I gotta go.”
“You’ve got problems, Ryan!” Darcie spat. “You’re a dick for treating me this way!”
I turned back around on my way out the door, getting pissed myself. “How did I treat you? Other than I didn’t tell you about Julia? We’ve only been out a few times, and you wanted to have sex as much as I did. We both know it. I’m sorry you’re upset, but I didn’t do anything to you.”
I walked out of her room and to the door of her apartment without a backward glance, hoping she’d never call me again.
When I got home, I went into the shower and let the hot water rush over me, soaking my hair. I wanted to get any remnants of sex with Darcie off my body. I soaped down then leaned against the side of the shower stall, my hand falling onto my heart.
Ugh! I thought. I had to get a grip. It was true I had to help Julia finish painting the table the following day, and despite the orgasm I’d had, I wasn’t ready to sleep. Aaron wasn’t back yet, and I wondered if he would be. Maybe he’d be staying at Jenna’s place.
I rubbed my hair dry and pulled on some old sweats but no shirt. I didn’t bother combing my hair, but I did brush my teeth before going into the living room and grabbing the remote. I threw myself down on the couch at an angle. I began flipping through the channels. I felt off balance, and it fucking sucked.
It was worse since Julia and I had the “friends with bennies” talk last semester. It was as if now it was a real possibility I’d be able to be with her like that. It could happen. She wouldn’t have brought it up if she hadn’t thought about it. She must want it to happen, and I wan
ted it too. Badly. But I wanted her in my life more than I wanted to fuck her. I might even need her in my life. She was the balance and that was why I was feeling so fucked up right now.
“Shake it off,” I said to myself. “Shake it off.”
“Shake what off?” Aaron asked. He’d come in quietly for him and I barely heard the door open.
“I’m not talking to you.”
“Real mature, Ryan.”
“What do you want from me, Aaron? What’s your purpose in this?”
“Nothing. Just trying to keep you from doing something you’ll regret.”
“Too late. You said enough earlier.”
“Ah,” he said knowingly. “Did you see Darcie?”
“Yep,” I answered shortly, not elaborating as I flipped through more of the cable channels.
“Did you screw her?”
“No comment.”
Aaron went to the kitchen and came back with a glass of water. “How’d that make you feel?”
“Fuck off, Aaron. I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Well, you aren’t going to talk to Julia about this, and you need to talk. You’re wound up.”
I sat up and threw the remote on the coffee table. “Okay. Yes, I was with Darcie. And thanks to you, I couldn’t get Julia out of my head!” I threw my hands up as I scowled at my brother.
He laughed and sat down on the chair closer to the TV. I wanted to punch him in his smug face. “Oh, it’s not because of me… it’s because of her, shithead.”
“Look, Aaron, I don’t want to talk about it anymore. It’s between Julia and me. Just stay out of it, got it? It’s none of your business.” I hoped my voice relayed some of my frustration and my need for him just to respect my wishes. “It’s hard enough as it is.”
“Yes, I can see that.”
“But nothing is going to change, and you just make it worse. Let us handle it.”
“Ryan, you and Julia are inevitable. When are you gonna accept it?”
“I have. I know we’re going to be in each other’s lives forever. No matter what I have to do or not do,” I said earnestly. “She might get hurt if we move this beyond friendship and it doesn’t work out. I couldn’t live with myself.”
