Before Ryan Was Mine (The Remembrance Trilogy - Prequel)

by Kahlen Aymes

  “You might get hurt, too. Isn’t that what you mean?”

  “Maybe, but I don’t matter. Julia does.”

  “You’re both hurting already.”

  We were. I knew it, but it was a different kind of pain than not having each other. “What? Are you a girl, now? We’re fine. We’ve discussed it. Just stay the fuck out of it. Please.” My throat got tight. This was, maybe, the most honest I’d been about my feelings about Julia. To myself or anyone else, and it hurt. I was sick of repeating myself to my brother and hoped he’d let this be the end of it. “Just let it go.”

  Aaron stood up and walked behind the couch. He put a hand on my bare shoulder and squeezed. “Okay. I’m going to bed.”

  “Night.”

  “Are we working at Julia and Ellie’s tomorrow?”

  “I don’t make plans for you, but I am. Before I left, she said she’d make breakfast.”

  Aaron stopped halfway down the hall. “What’s she making?”

  “Muffins, eggs, and bacon, I think.”

  “I’m there, then. Did she like the shirt you bought her at the thrift store?”

  “I bought it for painting, Aaron. Obviously, it was a dude’s shirt.”

  “I know why you bought it. Did she like it?”

  I remembered the way her face lit up when I gave it to her. “Yeah. Yeah, she liked it.”

  ~10~

  A Night out at Stanford

  I hated this fucking place! The music pounded in my ears and it was almost packed body-to-body. The sort of uncomfortably packed that was only okay if you were drunk off your ass and you didn’t care if some other dude rubbed up on your date. The club was swanky, bordering on cheesy, but to me, it felt like a throwback to a 1970s disco, circa Saturday Night Fever. Except not as cool, and the sort of mind-numbing rhythm that was just a beat littered with a series of grunts, held little resemblance to actual music.

  Normally, I wouldn’t be caught dead here but my date Leah, picked the joint, not me. It was dark, the walls deep burgundy with a dance floor in the back of the large room that was just a continuation of the wood floor. The DJ and twenty or so couples bouncing up and down were the only things that set it apart from the rest of the room. Low couches were lined up around square tables, and they were littered with women and men who were drinking too much and carrying on together. I almost visibly cringed.

  Fingers tightened possessively around mine as I led my date through the throng, shouldering my way in between the crowd toward a vacancy on one of the couches near the dance floor. I would have preferred a greater distance from the speakers, but as my eyes adjusted to the dim light, I realized actual seats were hard to come by, and it was so busy, people were lined up against walls and stacked up two and three deep at the bar. The darkness was broken by only a few flashing lights that reflected off the mirrored ball above the dance floor. My brain fought back the urge to turn around and leave, but instead, I motioned for Leah to take a seat.

  “I’ll go get drinks. Do you want one?”

  She lifted her eyes to mine. She was pretty with delicate bone structure and bouncy blonde curls that barely reached her shoulders. She was also model-thin, and besides wasting twenty bucks on a meal she hadn’t touched, it just wasn’t that attractive.

  Her father was a bigwig in the California legislature but, from what I gathered from her dinner conversation, her mother spent all day in the spa and did little else. My father might approve on the surface, but my mother would raise a cynical eyebrow, especially after meeting my best friend. Substance—Julia had loads of it, and most of the women I dated weren’t worthy to stand in her shadow. I’d fucked my chances at ever getting my mother’s approval on anyone else after taking Julia home for Christmas last year. Maybe that was why I didn’t bother.

  The woman in front of me looked properly primped and groomed, completely coiffed, even if her bones did poke out more than I preferred. I knew, all too well, that appearances could be deceiving, and while I’d hoped for depth, her personality was a little too narcissistic for my taste. Sure, my friends gave me shit about my looks all the time, and I played into it for fun. Mostly because it made Julia blush and I loved to tease her. I had a hard time admitting it, even to myself, but a part of me puffed up that she found me attractive. It was mutual, and we both knew it, but somehow we managed to push it aside when we were together. As much as I’d tried to deny it and overcome it, I was still suffering a serious pull to her. It was a much-needed balm to let myself believe Julia had to deal with the same bullshit I did.

  I’d only known Leah since the semester began a couple weeks earlier, but I’d already gathered she detested being Mommy and Daddy’s perfect little princess and was looking to rebel in a big way. She might look fragile, but the beginning of the evening had shocked the shit out of my expectations. The suggestive expression in her eyes and the way she continually found excuses to touch me left me with little doubt the evening could end up between the sheets if that’s what I wanted. Intuition was telling me to keep my dick in my pants or I’d be sorry. My father had schooled both Aaron and I to be wary of women with little or no ambition.

  Her red-tipped fingers wound around my bare forearm, below the rolled up sleeves of my midnight blue button-down—a shirt Julia had given me this past Christmas. Already, it was one of my favorites. She had a blouse in the same shade, and I’d mentioned that I loved the color, but I meant I loved it on her. She said it matched my eyes, and my heart hammered a little at the admission. She was amazing. She’d given me the shirt and paid for an online study course for the MCATs. I’d looked into it myself and knew it was more than a couple thousand dollars. I’d been shocked at her generosity, though later I realized she was just being Julia. My parents would have paid for tutors or anything else I needed to prepare, but my original plan was to pay for it myself. I was so moved that Julia had done it. She’d loved the art table I got her, too, but it couldn’t compare with the MCAT course. It was funny. She didn’t buy herself an art table because she’d used all her money to pay for the course and I bought her the art table in lieu of the course, knowing my parents would buy it for me. It still made me smile thinking about it. It was like a modern day Gift of the Magi, and Aaron rubbed my nose in it every chance he got.

  Julia and I were still managing to keep our dating lives and our friendship separate. It was tough because I wanted to know everything about her, but the truth was, ignorance was probably bliss and I’d be a stupid ass if I pushed to know more. She was incredible and other guys flocked to her like crazy. I saw it everywhere we went.

  Leah’s mouth moved, but I couldn’t hear her over the din or my wandering thoughts.

  I leaned down, and her thick perfume wafted around me. It was strong and just like Leah; subtle when you observed it from a distance, but a little too overdone up close.

  “What?” My words were just shy of a shout.

  “Whatever you’re having is fine.” She echoed the volume of my voice.

  I huffed silently and nodded with a fake smile as I turned toward the bar. She couldn’t even decide what she wanted to drink? I was bored, if I was honest, and now I was pretty much guaranteed to end up with a pounding headache before the evening was over. I found myself wishing I’d stayed in and just invited Julia over for pizza and a movie instead.

  This past semester we’d perfected our silence pact and now it was an unspoken rule there were some things we just didn’t talk about. While at times it killed me, it meant we could spend more time together. Lately, it had occurred to me we were getting way too close, and our comfortable friendship was beginning to become more. I wanted to hang out with Julia. She was fun, funny, gorgeous, and smart. The harder I tried to keep things on an even keel, the more I noticed her tight little ass or the way she used the tip of her tongue to lick hot chocolate off her full lower lip. It was getting more difficult to be around her and not touch her. The yearning was becoming unbearable. It felt like the natural progression of us, and she exc
ited me more than any plastic Barbie doll-wannabe ever could. But that was just the problem. If it was bad last year, now it was excruciating. It was sort of a blissful torture that I needed like some sort of intoxicating addiction. If I weren’t careful, it would only be a matter of time before I did something stupid.

  I inhaled deeply and ran a hand through my hair on my way to the bar. It was in the back, opposite the door. I leaned in to get the bartender’s attention and ordered two bottles of Budweiser.

  “Can I get a glass with one of those, please?” I asked loudly.

  “Sure.”

  As I waited for him to bring the beer, I pulled out my money and unfurled a ten-dollar bill. A cocktail waitress standing next to me was loading up a bunch of lemon drop shots on her tray before she returned to the floor. My mouth quirked as I handed over the money and prepared to take the beers, one of them with a glass resting upside down over the neck.

  Of course, I berated myself silently. The corner of my mouth curled in a sarcastic grin. Another reminder. Lemon drops were Julia’s favorite shot. Could I not get a fucking break?

  I turned around, lifting my beer to my lips at the same time, ready to take a long pull on my way back to the table, when a hard hand on my chest stopped me dead in my tracks, and almost spilling beer down the front of my shirt.

  “What are you doing here?”

  I looked down into Ellie’s accusing gray eyes, her left eyebrow was cocked sharply.

  “Uh…” I began, bemused, but automatically my eyes began scanning for Julia. “Having a beer? Didn’t know you owned this shithole.”

  Ellie’s hands rested on her hips and her jaw set. “You never come here. That’s why… Oh, hell!”

  “Yeah, I hate this damn place. I’d never pick it, but my date wanted to come. Is Jules with you?”

  “She’s having a good time, and she doesn’t need you hovering.”

  My brows knitted together in a frown as I looked down on the much shorter woman. “I’m not! I don’t.” I finally took a swig from the bottle, only to gaze around the bar.

  “Yeah, sure you don’t.”

  “What’s your problem?” I asked, irritated.

  “Just let her be, Ryan. It would be better if she didn’t even know you were here. She’ll be too busy worrying about you to have a good time.”

  “Whatever. Since when is hanging out with you guys off limits?”

  “Since you started going all Neanderthal ape-shit when anyone male even glances in Julia’s direction.”

  I ignored the implications and flushed, uncomfortable from her shrewd observation and now worried that she’d said something similar to Julia. Or worse, that my feelings were obvious to everyone. Ever since the “Dave” situation, I’d tried hard to lighten up. That was nearly a year ago now, and though I was uncomfortable then, the closeness I shared with her now was compounded.

  I rewarded Ellie with a wry look. “Is there something that will freak me out?” The hair on the back of my neck was beginning to prickle.

  “See, that’s just it. Nothing! She’s an adult. Nothing should freak you out, Ryan. She gets to do what she wants, and as her friend, you should support her.”

  “As long as she isn’t getting hurt, it’s cool.” I dismissed her with a roll of my eyes, but the very direction of this conversation had me feeling uneasy.

  “It’s cool.” Ellie mocked dryly, staring up into my eyes with a shake of her head, and apparently waiting for me to slap a condition on what I’d just said. I was getting tired of the inquisition.

  “Yesssss,” I hissed. “Can I go back to my date now, Ellie? Christ!” I began to move around her as she still stood in my path, but she grabbed my arm. “What?” I was starting to get pissed and wondered what the fuck she was trying to keep from me.

  “Where are you sitting?”

  I used my beer as a pointer. “Over there, on that couch near the dance floor.”

  “Shit.”

  “Why? What is it I’m not supposed to see? Is some asshole trying to get her drunk? I saw that tray of lemon drops head out from the bar a minute ago.”

  “She’s having fun and dancing. Letting loose a little. If she sees you, just chill and let her be.”

  My mouth settled into a firm line as I noted the direction of Ellie’s glance. If she was worried about my reaction, then something was worth worrying about. I did a half-turn, and my eyes narrowed as I searched the crowd and finally landed on Julia.

  She was standing near a table on the opposite side of the dance floor from where I’d left Leah lounging on one of the couches. My breath hitched as I looked her over. She looked stunning wearing a short, black sequined dress with miles of bare leg showing. I couldn’t see her feet from where I was standing, but I knew she’d have on some sort of amazing high heels. Her hair looked wild, as if she’d just been freshly fucked, and I nearly dropped my beer, realizing just how often I’d fantasized over that very image. I lifted the hand still holding my beer and wiped at my mouth with the back of my wrist.

  “Holy fuck,” I said under my breath.

  “Yeah,” Ellie muttered and shook her head again. “This is not good.”

  I watched Julia’s head fall back as she laughed at something the man next to her said, her hair tumbling down almost to her waist. Then he handed her a shot. Julia took it, clinked her glass with his, and threw it back before setting the glass back down on the tray.

  “Ryan!” Ellie waved her hand in front of my face until I looked at her again. She pointed toward my date. “Go on! You’re being rude to that girl.”

  My chest felt weird; curiously tight, and my heart was thudding sickeningly in my chest, like a tennis ball that’d been caged inside a tin can and kicked down a steep hill. It was strangely painful and completely foreign. I was used to feeling protective, and I didn’t usually like the guys who were with her, but this was starting to hurt. Physically hurt.

  I’d known Julia over two years, and this wasn’t the first time I’d seen her dressed up. I knew she was hot. I had eyes, and my dick had a mind of its own, despite my attempts to quell it since the second we met. But what was fucking me up was that she was here without me, and she was having a great time. In this steaming den of hormonal college guys just looking for their next conquest, all of them leering at her legs and the soft curves swelling under the clingy fabric that sparkled softly in all the right places. She was a prime target. It didn’t hurt that her face was so beautiful, and her hair was long and screaming to be touched. I glanced at the men near her and the ones lounging on the couches openly ogling her legs, and my chest was ready to explode and my face felt hot. I felt like every male eye in the place was trained on her. It would only be a matter of time before one of those jackasses tried to touch her in a way I wouldn’t like.

  Ellie shoved me gently in the chest with both hands, and I dragged my eyes away from Julia back down to her face. “Can you just be cool? Ryan?”

  “What? Who are those guys?” I didn’t recognize them, but the taller of the two, the dark-haired one who’d bought the tray of shots, was leaning in to speak to her, and his hand settled lightly on her hip.

  “They’re just guys to dance with. They’re students at Stanford, too.”

  My eyes honed in on the one touching Julia. “I’ve never seen them before.”

  “Yeah, well it’s a big campus. So, we good?”

  I cleared my throat. “Yeah. But if something happens… come and get me.”

  “Ryan.” Ellie rolled her eyes in reproach.

  “It’s either that or Leah and I can just join the party right now.” She looked pissed, and I didn’t give a fuck. “That’s the best I got. Take it or leave it.”

  “I’m sure your date would appreciate that, Ryan. God!”

  “I barely know her, Ellie. Julia comes first.”

  She looked me square in the eye. “Would it matter if you’d known her for ten years?”

  “Probably not,” I said without thinking, still watching w
hat was going on at the table across the club.

  Ellie sighed, her chest visibly heaving. “Well, at least that’s honest.”

  I ignored her and turned away toward my date; who was bouncing around as she did some ridiculous chair dance. Fucking embarrassing, I thought. She looked ridiculous. No doubt, she’d probably drag me to dance, which would shoot Ellie’s request I keep a low profile, all to hell. I did a mental shrug as I handed Leah her beer. This place was small, so it was likely Julia would see me anyway. I wasn’t exactly sure I didn’t want her to. I wanted her to know I was here if she needed me, but it felt strange to be around her when we were each with other people. It was uncomfortable, and I continually found myself wishing it were just the two of us. I had an overwhelming urge to storm across the bar and make sure that dude knew he’d better keep it on the up and up with Julia, but that would only be awkward and embarrassing. I couldn’t do that to my date, or my best friend. Instead, I settled down and bored holes in his back with my eyes.

  The couch was too low for me. The thing was maybe 18 inches off the floor, and my legs felt cramped between the edge of the seat and the table. Leah smiled and rested her hand on my chest in an awkward attempt to re-establish my attention on her. I smiled weakly, pulled out my cell phone, and fiddled with it, fighting the desire to send Julia a text. It wouldn’t be the first time I’d been out with a woman and sought out opportunities to check up on her. Right now, I didn’t stand on pretense or formality. My fingers itched to type out a text.

  “Ryan, do you want to dance?”

  My brows furrowed at Leah’s words while my thumbs hammered the keys of my phone. “Maybe in a while,” I threw out offhandedly; distracted between my phone and watching what Julia was doing. Ellie was seated at the table, and Julia was still standing next to it. Her companion leaned in and whispered something into her ear. It was way more intimate than I wanted to witness, his hand skirting up her bare thigh toward the hem of her dress. I hesitated half a second before I pushed send. I pulled at the front of my shirt as my chest tightened painfully.