“Welcome home, Esther.” I sighed with contentment as I ran my fingers along the small wall of guns, blades and gadgets that had kept me alive many times.
“Hey, pretty girl,” I whispered when I unhooked the porcelain Glock from its housing. The weight of my favourite piece after eight years felt good in my hands, my fingers instinctively curling around the handle as it moulded to my palm like it had been crafted specifically for me.
Stepping towards the small countertop, I proceeded to detach each part and clean thoroughly, my mind lost to my actions. My dirty soul took over, my movements fluid and intuitive as the old me, or rather the new me, dissolved with the faint traces of cartridge residue left from the last object that had bowed to my mercy.
Snapping on the final part, I lifted my eyes to the mirror that ran the full length of the side wall. “Memphis, huh? It’s time for the truth, Rik Bane.”
Hurt could only drown me as much as I allowed it to, and pushing away feelings and regret, I allowed Esther Dean to take that final step back to the hell she had both loathed and relished in for so long.
And I allowed myself a smile. The smile that I thought I’d never see again. The smile that reached my eyes, and trickled ice into my cold heart.
Twelve
Esther
Smoke curled from the confines of the high-backed chair and I watched a tiny but perfect smoke-ring curl its way upwards, scattering into a plume of fog when it reached the ceiling light.
“Hello, Esther.”
Clicking my tongue in attempt to wet my dry mouth, I winced at the sound of her voice. “Mother.”
She didn’t move, I hadn’t expected her to, and making my way across the room I allowed my eyes to take in the dark but bold colours of the room that had been my childhood hell. The large gilded mirror still sat above the open fireplace, the mantle still adorned with expensive but pointless crap. A new carpet covered the floor but it was still in the same deep rouge colour that always reminded me of hell itself. I had often wondered, in my early teens, if my father had chosen that specific colour to camouflage all the blood spills from the many men that had entered this room and never managed to escape.
“Drink?”
I nodded, taking the large stuffed chair opposite her. The fire warmed me, the chill in my bones that had settled since Geoffrey’s death now forgotten since Esther had been resurrected.
I watched her fill the cut glass tumbler with amber liquid, and handing it to me, our eyes finally met.
I couldn’t hold back the gasp when it left my mouth. Shock shook my hand and the glass slipped from my grasp and bounced off the edge of the mahogany table between us. “Mum?”
Her smile was sad and I was surprised when it reached her sunken, grey eyes. “Liver, kidneys, and spleen.” The voice that had once soothed me as a child now poured horror into my heart and my entire body shuddered with misery.
Pain roared through my heart and immobilised me, the smell of whisky that had spilled filling my nostrils and making my eyes burn. Neither of us attempted to clean it up, both of us holding onto each other with the same eyes. My father had once said that he could see my soul through my eyes, much like my mother. That was what had attracted him to her, her emotions so exposed and honest, but it wasn’t her emotions I was witnessing then. It was death.
“How long?”
She shrugged, finally looking away and turning her gaze to the fire. “A few weeks.”
“What? But…”
“I didn’t come and find you because of this.” She was angry, her eyes blazing with regret and pain. “Because I didn’t want you to remember me like this.”
Snatching up another glass, I filled it to the brim and took a large drink. “You know what I remember?”
She turned to me, her eyes holding that tiny twinkle that my dreams allowed me to remember.
“Your goddamned meatloaf.”
She blinked, but then she started to chuckle. I joined her, both of us laughing so hard that tears streamed our cheeks and wet our lips, our souls heavy with the weight of grief as I slipped to the floor before her and rested my head on her lap. The familiar scent of almonds and vanilla made my heart split in two. The feel of her long fingers sliding through the strands of my hair brought an agony so real that I prayed I never felt that much despair ever again.
“I missed you, Esther May.”
“Momma.”
“Shush, baby. It’ll be okay.”
I shook my head, looking up at her through the fall of tears. “How can it be? We’re both here, we both gave in to it. We’ll never be free. You, of all people, know it.”
She smiled down at me, wiping my tears with her thumbs. “Esther, life gives us what we deserve. Why do you think I came back? Because I deserve to die here. In this hell that I helped create.”
“We all built this family brick by brick, it doesn’t mean we have to be here when the bulldozer tears it down. You don’t deserve this. Or him. You were the flower in the garden of weeds, Mum, and his poison eventually reached you. That wasn’t on you. There wasn’t anything you could have done to stop it.”
Sighing, she shook her head. “One day, you’ll fall in love. A soul wrenching, moral destroying love, Esther. And then you’ll understand. Even though I didn’t fire a bullet, or plunge a knife, I sat and I watched, because I loved your father enough to welcome the hell he offered me.”
“But you got out.”
“Did I?” She scoffed. Swallowing down her whisky she stared at the empty glass for a long moment. “I knew, Esther. I knew that your father had sanctioned Will’s death.”
She was so quiet I wondered if I had imagined the words that broke me leave her.
“I knew for weeks. And I hid it from you.”
“Why?” My voice was as quiet as hers, the horror bringing back the chill that had left me not long ago. My knuckles ached when my hands fisted and my nails dug into my palms.
“Because there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it.”
“But I could have,” I hissed, finally finding the strength to move away from her. “I COULD HAVE!”
“Could you?” she asked quietly, her striking blue eyes locking onto me with question. “Could you take him on, Esther? Actually take him on?”
I looked away, knowing the answer but not voicing it.
“No,” she answered for me. “There isn’t a bit of him in you. You have a heart, Esther, a soul that begs to feel the warmth. You take that step then he obliterates who you really are.”
“You have no idea who I am either.”
“Maybe not,” she conceded. “But I know how much you love. Throughout it all, you’ve never lost that immeasurable capability to love with a passion that’s unique to you. You loved Rik, you loved Will, and they were both so damn lucky to have that. And they both knew it, Esther. They were both better people because you loved them. You didn’t care who they were, or what they’d done. Hell, Will was…”
“Don’t you dare taint him. Will knew who he was, I knew who he was, but that’s why I loved him. You didn’t know him.”
“That’s true.” She nodded. “Because he only ever allowed you to see the side of him that loved, the free spirit in him that called out to you. You were both so alike, so in tune with one another. And that’s because your gentle soul cradled his tortured one.”
“You’re right, we did have so much in common. One of those having fucking selfish parents who would rather massacre their own children than allow them even a hint of a better life.”
“A better life?” she chuckled. “Don’t lie to yourself. You and Will both loved that life. You both craved the violence as much as anyone in this family, and his. And what were we supposed to do, Esther? Answer that. Truthfully.”
I didn’t answer, because I couldn’t. Because she was right.
“Romeo and Juliet, huh?” The sadness that took her smile was replaced with a twinkle at her sick sense of humour.
“Damn Shakespeare saw us co
ming,” I groaned, taking another large gulp of alcohol and dropping into the chair again.
She pointed at me. “He made a killing off you, twisting it to make it look like his own idea. Sue him for royalties.”
I laughed, her humour once again taking my pain and annihilating it. Many times she’d turned my tears of sorrow to ones of hilarity. “You remember that time you caught him with that blonde guy in the pool?”
She laughed, nodding. “Poor Will. He didn’t know where to look, at his boyfriend’s quickly shrivelling dick or my tonsils, my mouth was that wide.”
“He was terrified you would kick him out of the family if you found out he was gay.”
Mum rolled her eyes. “Men, always scared of showing who they really are.”
“Shame my father doesn’t have that disorder.”
“Hmm,” she sighed. “At least you can’t accuse him of being fickle.”
We both looked to the door when it opened.
Mum froze and I tilted my head when Christy stood staring at me. Her perfect face was even more beautiful than I remembered, her deep chestnut hair pulled back into a severe ponytail and her flawless form encased in a black, figure hugging jumpsuit.
“Esther,” she spoke, the slight jitter in her voice making my stomach twist with excitement.
“Hello, Christy.” I gave her my best cold smile. “Miss me?”
“ESTHER!” My mother screeched when I leapt from the chair and pounced on Christy.
Her hands grabbed at my wrists as she rolled us over, her knees squeezing my ribs in a vice as she grappled with keeping my arms down.
Bone crunched under my forehead, blood splattering across my face when her nose exploded with the force of my blow. Using the moment, I flipped her backwards and wrapped my hands around her scrawny neck.
“Stop it!” John growled as he pulled me back, my legs kicking under me when he and Vince tried to hold me back. “Enough!”
“It won’t be enough until I give Will her last breath.”
“Oh grow up, Esther!” Christy bit out, her hand covering her nose as she tried to stem the blood. “Pick a side and have done with it.”
“You fucking bitch. Just because he’s dead doesn’t mean he won’t get his retribution. I’ll make sure of it.”
She shrugged, not giving a damn. “Whatever.” Brushing herself down, she cleared her throat. “And I see, once again, you’re bedding the enemy. Fucking a Memphis. Tut, tut.”
“What the fuck are you on with, you thick bitch? I never bedded Will, and you know it.”
“Well I’m surprised. After all, he had a dick didn’t he.”
“Fuck me!” I screamed, fighting harder with John and Vince. “Just let me rip her to fucking bits.”
Christy tutted dramatically. “Always a dog, Esther.”
“Christy!” My mother barked. “Get out!”
“Come on,” John muttered, dropping my arm and taking Christy’s as he pulled her from the room.
“God, I want to kill her so much. Why is she still here anyway?”
“Cos your father needed her when you left.” I didn’t miss the quirk of Vince’s brow and I refused to give him a reaction. “After all, you taught her, she’s the next best.”
I shook my head, groaning and fixing my hair into a quick bun on my head. “I need to shoot something.”
My mother and Vince remained silent as I stormed from the room and headed down towards the small but private firing range hidden beneath the depths of the house.
The target, or Christy as I aptly named it, succumbed to twenty-seven bullets. Each one embedded precisely in the face.
“You’re gonna die, bitch,” I smiled when I tucked my gun away and left the cardboard outline swinging shredded and silent.
Thirteen
Esther
We were both silent, regarding each other as I leaned against the doorframe with my arms folded in front of me like they would protect me from him.
Eventually, he lifted an eyebrow. “Are you going to sit down, or are we having this conversation with you stood resembling a bloody mannequin in my office doorway?”
God, I hated him.
“Maybe I’m just trying to be the dummy you always thought I was.”
He barked out a laugh, shaking his head and rolling his eyes. “Stop being a prissy bitch, Esther, and sit the fuck down.”
Exhaling heavily, I lowered into the chair, the desk that sat between us not providing remotely enough of a gap for me. I didn’t sit because he’d ordered me to, I just needed to get this over with so I could leave. I had things to do, things I didn’t want to do, but things the rage inside me salivated for.
My father stood and walked over to the cabinet. “Whisky still your preference?”
I nodded, watching him pull the stopper from the lavish decanter and pouring us both an ample measure… God knew I needed it.
“Thank you,” I offered quietly when he passed me the glass, hating that my mother had brought me up with manners. He didn’t deserve a thank you, but I deserved to rise above it.
He nodded, sitting back down. “So, how have you been?”
“Good.”
“I’m sorry to hear about Geoffrey. He was a good man.”
“Yes, he was. And he taught me how to be a good woman.”
His snort was loud and I clenched my fist, the crystal tumbler almost bowing under the pressure. “I taught you how to be a good woman.”
“No, you taught me how to be a good executioner. There’s a difference.”
“Is there?” He narrowed his eyes. “Did learning how to stifle the need to kill get you anything other than frustration and hunger? Did giving you morals stop all the immorality around you? Stop Camron from screwing your best friend? Or stop the nightmares from consuming you, Esther?”
He was angry but not nearly as angry as me. I shot upright, bending over the desk towards him. “One day you will allow me peace. One day you will stop trapping me in the corner you confuse for love, Daddy. One day, you will turn away and do the decent thing!”
“The decent thing is yours…”
I stilled, confusion working its way through me.
“For the sake of one last job,” he continued. “I will turn away.”
My heart beat hard and I fell back into the chair. “What?”
He inhaled and settled back into his chair, his hard eyes fixing me with his usual cold stare. “I have a job for you. And then we call it quits.”
“Quits?” I scoffed. “I don’t owe you anything.”
“No.” He shook his head. “No, you don’t. However, you want to eliminate yourself from the family, which in usual circumstances I would never allow. But for you, Esther, I am willing to make that exception. I’m not blind, or heartless, for that matter. I know you crave severance from us all… me, and although I am hurt by it, I do understand.”
“I’m surprised you have enough compassion to be offended by my desire to run far away from you. Although, I have come to figure out, there isn’t ever going to be enough vastness in this universe to stop your depravity from touching me.”
Something flickered in his eyes and if I didn’t know better I would have said it was hurt, but I did know better. For a second he closed his eyes, hiding his emotions from me. “Tell me what I could have done differently, Esther?” He was quiet, his voice forced and tight. “Will was Terry’s plant.”
“He was my best friend!” I hated that my voice quivered and I bit into my lip to stop it from trembling.
He opened his eyes and I blinked at the shimmer of tears in his eyes.
“You don’t think I was as fucking hurt as you? How much his betrayal forced out a part of me I didn’t like?”
“Forced?” I laughed, shaking my head. “Your evil is never forced, Daddy.”
He sighed and screwed up his face.
“Just tell me what you want so I can get out of this hell,” I spat.
Schooling his emotions, he sat back and threaded
his fingers together. “I need you to resurrect Ghost for one last kill.”
It had been so long, and although I had left it all behind, to contemplate one more assassination wasn’t as hard as I thought, especially when the payment was so mouth-watering. “Go on.”
“We’re being watched. So far we’ve managed to slip the net, but your return has cut a hole in our safety net, so to speak.”
I frowned, tilting my head. “My return?”
“Unfortunately Memphis has been a bit of a pain in my ass for the last six years. And now…” He swept a hand towards me. “Your relationship with Rik Bane makes it a bit of a problem.”
“I don’t have a relationship with Rik, not anymore anyway.”
A stabbing sensation in my chest made me wince.
“Memphis infiltrated Sparrow for you, Esther. Did you not wonder why they had a complete staff overhaul but kept you? Why, after fourteen years, he suddenly reappeared in your life? Don’t allow your heart to blind you. I taught you better, at least honour me with some integrity.”
He was right, I knew he was, but the sting his truth left behind brought fresh tears to my eyes. Rik had come back into my life to grow closer to the Dean family, and to say that hurt was a fucking understatement. I no longer meant anything to him. I was no longer the best friend he would risk his life for. Now he would put his profession before my life.
“But why Sparrow, why not come straight to me?” ‘And why save my life?’ my mind added.
“And just knocking at your front door after fourteen years wouldn’t raise your suspicions?”
“Just,” I growled in frustration. “Give me the name and I’m out.”
He paused, his stare burrowing deep inside me so much that I couldn’t hold back the involuntary shiver. “You know the name, Esther.”
I frowned, nonplussed, but then comprehension slid into my brain and I gasped. “You want Rik?”
“Yes.”
“Fuck! Why me? Why not send Vince, or John?”
“Because he’s fucking Memphis, and you’re Ghost. No one else, as much as I hate to admit it, can rival a fucking Memphis, Esther.” He leaned towards me, resting his elbows on the desk. “I’m giving you immunity. What you’ve dreamed of for eight years. I’m giving you freedom.”
Bane (Memphis #1) Page 8
