by F. G. Adams
He’s gone. It’s as if he was never here and it was all just a beautiful dream. Sorrow seeps in and my eyes well up from the pain of it. What was I supposed to think? That we’d reconnect and it was fate? I would finally get my happily-ever-after? Dreams are for children. I dash away the tears that fall down my cheek. Buck up, Jocelyn. I knew the risk when I said yes.
I scramble out of the bed and knock over the bedside table lamp with my clumsiness.
“Ugh! Shoot me right now. I’m such a klutz.”
I rub my hip that hit the corner of the side table, along with my elbow.
“Coward!” I holler out to the empty room.
I’m furious at myself for what I allowed to happen, even though I wanted to know what it was like to be held in his arms. I needed him after all this time, consequences be damned. That’s just it. I was so caught up in the moment and the pleasure he evoked, I didn’t stop to really think about how it would affect me. Totally my fault.
But walking out without saying a word or goodbye? That’s a new low in my book for this new rough and tough bad boy version of Keagan.
I stand naked as the day I was born hovering over my neatly folded clothes. He took the time to fold my clothes, but couldn’t have the decency to wake me up before he left? Ugh! What a jerk. He’s nothing like the boy I knew long ago. That person would’ve hunted me down and tried even harder to make me smile, even when I couldn’t give him what he wanted at the time.
Why did he call me m’aingeal? What was the point if he was going to walk out without a backward glance? The first time he called me that to my face was the same night my life plunged into darkness. But his beautiful words, I will never forget.
My grandma’s most-loved time of the year was Christmas. The entire Blackwood family gathered at her new home in town and she put on a shindig unlike anything you can imagine. Strings of colorful lights adorned every inch of the house and the smells of cinnamon filled my senses. I was surrounded by laughter and conversations as one by one we filled plates from the buffets of food on the festively decorated tables. My anticipation spiked at the presents piled around the ten foot live tree in the center of the room. Grandma buys gifts year round and takes extra care in finding unique gifts to fit a personality. I couldn’t wait to see what she had in store for me.
I paused when Fallyn appeared in the archway. She’d been missing for most of the party and I noticed her eyes were red and puffy. She’d been crying. That was not good. I got up, made my way to her. I was hoping she would help me sneak away for a little while tonight to see Keagan and give him his Christmas gift. We’d become really good friends since our “pizza night” and, just like Grandma does, I had found a special gift for him. I wanted to give him my gift and by the looks of things it wouldn’t happen.
“Fallyn, what’s wrong?”
“Sorry, Jo. I can’t talk about it right now. Please let it go.” She hugged me tightly and said, “I love you, little sister,” before turning around to find a place to sit.
I heard her whisper, “Everything’s so messed up,” and a feeling of dread from when we were younger seeped its way into my body. I couldn’t help but wonder if she just told me goodbye.
Knowing she wouldn’t relent and tell me what was going on until she’s ready, I gave up and walked back to my seat. I’m enveloped once again in holiday cheer, yet my anxiety was overwhelming my thoughts. Fallyn never cried unless he hurt her. I plastered a fake smile on my face and join in singing carols as my grandma passed gifts around the room.
A short time later, the doorbell rang. I was sitting on the couch talking to my cousin Saul. He’s a few years older than me, a fierce saxophone player and a ladies’ man to boot. We were in the middle of discussing his acceptance letter to Georgia when I caught his voice. Keagan was standing in the front entryway of my grandma’s home, eyes focused in on me. My inner voice began an excited chant of “yes, yes, yes!”. I was smiling as I walked to the door to greet my best not-boyfriend Keagan.
We walked outside and sat down on Grandma’s porch swing. The crickets were singing a lullaby. Even in the winter in the south, life was still ever present.
“Merry Christmas, Jo.” Keagan handed me a beautifully packaged box with pink paper and gold ribbon trim. “I hope you like it.”
I was shocked by the gift. I was shocked he was here; he came and found me to give me a gift. My eyes began to water at the intensity of this moment.
“I have something for you too.”
I stepped back inside to retrieve the gift I got for him and needing time to compose myself from the deep emotions I’m harboring. When I came back, I handed Keagan the small Santa Claus bag, entwined at the top with red and green ribbon holding the handles firmly together.
“What’s this?” Keagan sounded a little stunned that I purchased him a gift as well.
“It’s something to always remember me by. No arguments. Now let’s open them at the same time. Ready? One, two, three.”
I tore into the sparkly pink paper like a kid in a candy store while keeping track of what Keagan was doing.
The box was small and my hands began to shake in anticipation of the possibilities the contents in the package contained. I was about to open it when I hear Keagan.
“Jo, this is … wow. It’s extraordinary, Boo.”
He holds the gold coin up to the light, revealing a masculine scripted K on the front with a star above the letter encased in emeralds. On the other side of the coin are angel wings with the words “Always Believe and Never Give Up”.
Keagan was leaving at the end of school this year and his plans were to enlist in the military. It was his dream to serve like his dad and mom. I wanted to give him something that would be easy to carry with him, but at the same time, special and unique, just like he was. So when I talked to Grandma about getting Keagan a gift, she led me in the right direction, like always. She told me about a coin that Grandpa kept with him in his pocket—one his father had given to him. He carried it everywhere he went. And so sprung the idea of crafting a coin just for Keagan.
“This is too much. And perfect at the same time, Jo. Just like you.”
He leaned in and gently kissed my cheek as he encircled me with his arms for the hug I’ve longed to receive from him. I felt like I was floating on a cloud. I was so happy that he liked my gift.
“Your turn, cher. Now I can’t wait for you to open up your gift,” Keagan said as he leaned back, gripping his new coin in hand, and watched patiently for me to open the box.
Slowly so the magic didn’t disappear all at once, I opened the small box to reveal a set of diamond angel wing earrings. My throat clogged up and tears threatened to spill as I carefully took the delicate jewelry out of the box. The wings were made up of diamonds with tiny pink stones outlining the wings, each one crafted in beauty and grace.
“Oh my gosh! Keagan, these are beautiful. And they’re angel wings. Almost like the ones I had carved on your coin. So the angels would watch over you always.”
My emotions were on overflow. A tear escaped the corner of my eye and I dashed it away quickly with my fingertip.
Chuckling and shaking his head back and forth, Keagan replied as he looked into my eyes, “Funny isn’t it? But mine aren’t to watch over you, Jo. I picked them because you are m’aingeal, my angel. Since the moment I saw you, I knew you were going to be special to me. You’re my best friend. My best not-girlfriend. Thanks for that, Boo.”
Unable to contain my joy any longer, I launched into his arms and kissed his cheeks. Not gently like he did to me, but with an urgency for him to know how much he means to me. Keagan didn’t move except to hug me back. Such a gentleman.
“Thank you for being my best not-boyfriend, too. Merry Christmas, Keagan.”
Shoot! Dang memories. I’m confused and pissed off. Though the more I stew over it, the madder I get. “Gentleman” my ass. Son of a biscuit eater. Who does this Keagan-upgrade think he is? Not my best friend, that’s for darn sure, mi
sleading me and then taking advantage of my vulnerability. It was too fast. I feel used … and it’s all my fault. Nothing new. The ones we care about the most always leave.
I get dressed in a hurry, scuttling out the door while pushing my feet firmly into my boots. I’ve gotta get out of here, find Katrina, and vamoose. I stumble into the hallway. A few doors down I spot room 10. Knocking vigorously on the door, I shout through it.
“Rina! Are you in there? Rina.”
I hear scuffling and the door swings open wide.
“Sí, Jo. No need to shout, chica. I’m up.”
Katrina is holding her head with one hand. Her eyes are sleepy and she looks disheveled. I walk through the door and look around.
“Are you in here alone? No, never mind, it really doesn’t matter. We have to go. Let’s get our stuff together and leave. Hurricane or not, I’m not gonna stay here another minute.”
“Wait, niña. Hold on. Slow down un minuto. Are you okay? Did something happen, mí amiga? Who do I need to hurt?”
I burst out laughing. I mean, really? Katrina is obviously sporting a headache and she’s looking a little on the rough side, a sign that her night was more than likely as interesting as mine. But she’s worried about me. I continue laughing and hug her up tight. I love this lady.
“I’m soooorry,” I giggle again. “You are … such a cutie when you get all hot tempered, Rina. Hahaha. Thank you.”
“Hmph. Well, you came in here all crazy weird, chica. I’m ready to take someone out if needed on your behalf. Hermanas, remember?”
“Okay. Understood. You know you’re the best, Rina? And no. No one to take out.”
I laugh hard again at the irony of the situation. Long ago, Keagan was in my corner just like Katrina. He would’ve done anything to help me. I wasn’t invisible when he was around. Gee willikers.
“Not necessary. I’ve just had a … well, it was a very interesting evening, to say the least. I’m gonna tell you everything when we’re on the way back to my house. Okay?”
Katrina’s dark gaze is a set of laser beams, boring holes through my head: her new favorite look when it comes to my shenanigans on this trip. She relents when she sees the something she’s looking for in my expression.
“Sí. Let’s pack it up and head out. The storm has moved over us. I’ve been watching the news, niña. There’s still some bad weather out there, but it’s better. The flooding is what they’re saying to watch out for. Let’s do this. But you’ve got a lot of explaining to do.”
We pack up and go to check out at the front desk. As we approach, the lobby is chalked full of ginormous tatted men in leathers with scowls on every one of their faces. What the heck? I slink back into the hall but Katrina grabs my hand and makes her way through the crowd of testosterone.
“Don’t give me fucking bullshit, man. We know they were here.” The scariest one of the bunch is leaning over the counter, trying to intimidate Grady.
“Not sure what you’re talkin’ about, man. No one by that name or script has been here. Ya know there was a hurricane out there, right?”
“That red Dodge out on the road tells me I’m right. Now you’ve got a few options here, Bulldog. Either you tell me what I want to know, or we make this real hard on you real quick.”
At that, Katrina pivots us around and back to the hallway, hiding out of the way. We listen carefully as the banter continues.
“Maybe they called someone for a pick up. I don’t know. I was tryin’ to be patient with ya. But let me tell you somethin’, Buzz. You’ve got about ten seconds to get you and your mangy dogs off my property or it’s gonna get real hard, real quick for you.”
With that, Grady pulls out a sawed off shotgun from under the counter and points directly at the chest of the one called Buzz. Oh my goodness. My eyes roam to the movement from both sides of the lobby as five other burly men come out from around the corner, guns in hands, surrounding the scarier-looking biker dudes.
I hold my breath and look to Katrina for assurance. Her eyes are peeled on what’s going down. She turns her head to me and puts a finger up over her lips. Not a word, I get it.
“Whoa, hold on, bro. Wait jus’ a minute. No harm, no foul, Bulldog.” He holds his hand up in surrender as he scans the room.
“No harm, no foul? Not today, Buzz. You came into my house. Not cool, man. I’m not your bro. Turn your ass ‘round now and don’t ever let your boots cross my path. Yeah?”
Buzz wears a perverse smile which gives me the hebejebes.
“Okay, Bulldog. We’ll play it your way. You win … today.”
He backs out slowly then turns and pushes the front glass door open, exiting into the parking lot, along with the rest of his posse. A couple seconds later, the rumble of motorcycles cranking up and roaring onto the main road echoes in the room, alongside the rain falling hard, as the sounds vibrate the panes on the front of the motel.
“You ladies, alright?”
Startled, I screech, “Oh!”
I didn’t even hear him approach. Grady chuckles.
“You okay? Sorry ‘bout that. We usually don’t get the likes of those in here. It’s not allowed. They were on the hunt.”
“On the hunt?”
“Yeah, looking for someone, or a few someones. Don’t worry ‘bout it. They won’t be coming back any time soon. Anyhow, what can I do for you?”
I glance around and notice it’s business as usual. The giant men with guns are gone. Kendall has appeared out of nowhere and is standing behind the front desk. Her smile is contagious and I smile back at her, the intimidating and creepy guys suddenly on the back burner of my mind.
“We’re ready to check out, hombre. Time for us to leave.”
“Yes, we’re gonna try to make it back home now,” I confirm.
“Well, come right over here then and we’ll get you gals on your way. It’s been a pleasure having you here with us, even if it was under bad weather circumstances.”
The hostile stand-off earlier is a distance memory, apparently.
“You were lifesavers. Thank you so much for taking us in.”
“Anytime. Y’all come back, if not to stay the night, then to come for dinner or drinks. For sure.”
Kendall smiles again and I can tangibly feel her warmth and sincerity.
“You make a mean mojito, niña. They were perfecto.”
“That’s my baby. She’s good at all kinds of things.” Grady wraps his meaty arms around Kendall’s tiny waist.
“Thanks, Rina.” Kendall blushes from the attention.
“Oye. What happened to the two guys we were drinking with last night? Gunner and Crash, sí?”
I visibly gasp and all heads turn in my direction.
“Oh, sorry. A’hem. I’ve got a frog in my throat. I need some water.”
“Here ya go, darlin’.” Grady hands me a bottle of water from the mini fridge as he answers, “Yeah, well they had to leave earlier. Said they were on a trip and had a timeline.”
Grady and Kendall glance back and forth between each other. I’m struck by the waves of emotions I see pouring off the couple. I find it a bit odd. Kendall’s face is marred with frustration and worry. Do she and Grady know Keagan?
“Sí, makes sense. Gunner was droning on and on about some job or something. Bueno, gracias.”
“Yeah, well. They’ll be alright. But you two, y’all be careful out there. The weather’s still rockin’ and it’s floodin’ too. Which way ya headed?” Grady asks.
“We’re going back north to Gainesville. I live on the upper northwest side of town.”
“Good. The floodin’ seems to be more down here and more south. Y’all should be good.”
“Here’s your receipt, girls. Like I said, please come see me. It was a pleasure to have some normal people around,” Kendall says with a laugh, then comes around the counter and gives us both a hug like we’re old friends. Nothing like a storm to bring people together.
“Thank you for everything. We’ll s
ee you around,” I say right before we push through the front door.
We leave Grady’s Pit-Stop in the rain the same way we entered, except this time I can see where I’m going. Once again, I’ve been changed from the experience at the roadside motel. Now I carry with me the knowledge after all these years of what it’s like to be with Keagan Fontneau. I’m so screwed.
The drive home was much shorter than the way over, only about thirty minutes with traffic. Katrina and I talked about what happened. Well, I chatted and she listened patiently and didn’t say a word until I was completely finished. I laid it all on the line for her without sugarcoating any of it. I replayed the whole Crash being Keagan, all the way up to the amazing sex we shared. Katrina just nodded and smiled, which was totally uncharacteristic of her. She never gave me her opinion about it until right before she was ready to leave: “Well, mí amiga, sounds to me like something happened back there. Sí?”
I glance over as she’s shutting the trunk of her car, all packed up and ready to go back to Tampa. The rain has decided to give us a break, but the sun is still hidden behind the dark stormy clouds.
“It feels loca right now. Someday, everything will all make perfect sense. But for now, laugh at the confusion, chica. Smile through those distractions, and keep telling yourself there is a reason for everything that happens. Sí?”
I hug her tightly. She’s important to me. Katrina’s words comfort my weary heart.
“Absolutely,” I nod. “Thanks, Rina. Now you be safe out there. Call me when you get home. Oh, and if the weather turns south, pull over!”
“Not a problema, Jo. Take care, mí amiga.”
Katrina pulls out of my circular drive and onto the main street, waving erratically at me as I blow kisses and gesture with my hands a goodbye like a Looney Tune.
