by Ivy Smoak
He stared at me, a smile playing at the corner of his lips. “You know that I didn’t.”
Liar. And what did he even mean by that? I didn’t know who he was. My best guess was that he was Dr. Miller. “Well, what did you think of Seattle?” It’s where Dr. Miller had gotten his PhD. Slip up, V.
He reached his hand out toward me. I should have moved, but I was still frozen in place. He tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear. His hands were so cold.
“What are you talking about?” he asked. “I’ve never been to Seattle. Is that somewhere you want to go one day? After all this is over?”
“No.” I sat up and climbed out of bed. I was not going to talk about the future with him. He was the one that had said we were living on borrowed time.
“Sadie…”
“Please just pretend like last night didn’t happen.”
“I can’t do that.” He climbed out of bed and grabbed my arm before I could run out of the bedroom.
“Please, V. Don’t make this into something that it wasn’t.”
He shook his head. “You came to me, not the other way around.”
“I was drunk. I wasn’t thinking straight. It was a mistake.”
“No, it wasn’t. I know you feel it too. And I’m sorry that I pushed you away before, but I’m not pushing you away now. I realized my mistake. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.”
“You realized your mistake because I moved on? That’s not fair, V. And you can’t keep changing your mind for no reason other than jealousy.”
“I never changed my mind. I told you I regretted saying that I loved you, but you didn’t give me a chance to explain.”
“A chance to explain? You never asked for one. You let the window close and put an end to the conversation. One which I begged you to have by the way. You were never going to bring it up. As far as I’m concerned, there’s nothing else to say.” I tried to wiggle out of his grip, but his fingers tightened on my forearm. He was trying to get me to stay, but he still wasn’t explaining himself. This was ridiculous. “I’m not going to stand here all day and expect anything from you. I’ve learned my lesson.” I opened up the door with my other hand, but he reached above me and slammed it closed.
I wanted to run, but I knew it would be useless. I couldn’t outrun him. That much was obvious from our training sessions. I couldn’t outfight him either. And when he was this close to me, I didn’t want to. I hated myself for that.
Still he said nothing. He shook his head back and forth like he was at a war with himself.
“I’m no longer asking for an explanation,” I said. “I don’t need one and I don’t want to hear it. All I’m asking is for you to get out of my way.” I tried to duck under his arm, but he moved forward, pressing my back against the door, caging me in.
It sounded like a growl escaped from his throat. “I wanted to say those words for the first time without my mask. Because I thought that was the only way that we could make sense. It’s certainly the only way I deserved to hear it back. But I’m more me behind this mask than I am without it. And I’m having a hard time coming to terms with that. And I was just scared that you wouldn’t want me this way.”
“What way?”
He shook his head. “All the goodness in me is gone.”
It didn’t matter how angry I was at him. I didn’t want him to be in pain. “You tucked Liza in last night. You didn’t take advantage of me in my drunken state.” I left off the fact that I might have actually let him do it. “You’re not a bad person, V. You’re not. I know what you do with all the money you get from criminals. You’ve helped so many people. There’s so much goodness in you.”
He shook his head. “Then why can’t you love me back?”
I didn’t know where this was coming from. Why he suddenly realized he wanted me. But no matter how drawn to him I was, I didn’t love him. I didn’t want a life like this. It was toxic and dark. The small bouts of goodness weren’t enough. I needed so much light because my soul was dark too. Darker than his. “Because I’m in love with Eli.”
He recoiled from me, like my skin burned him. He turned away from me and this time I knew I heard the growl. It sounded like a wounded animal. It sounded like his soul was dying.
And I did the weakest thing possible. I slipped out of the room and left him alone with his demons. It wasn’t like I knew how to piece him back together. I was broken too.
***
I was even more of a coward when I had a hangover. For most of the day I had locked myself in Eli’s room. His scent was no longer lingering on his sheets and I missed him terribly. Enough was enough. I needed to go see him.
The only problem was that I still had no idea how. I finished scrubbing the last burner on the stove and wrung out the washcloth. The stovetop sparkled back at me. I knew how much V liked everything spotless. It wasn’t my turn to clean, so I was hoping this could help persuade V to give me some type of reward for good inmate behavior. Like a free pass to the outdoors. I rolled my eyes at myself. There was no chance this would actually work. At least I had gotten some of my pent-up frustration out on the burners.
I was tempted to go bother Liza. I had knocked on her door earlier and it sounded like she had thrown a shoe at it. She probably had a worse hangover than me. Combining alcohol with a heavy sedative wasn’t a great idea. I laughed, remembering how the dart hit her foot. She had terrible aim.
I looked up at the camera mounted in the corner. “Truce, Athena?”
She didn’t respond.
“I’ll dust your hard drive if you let me out of here.”
Nothing.
“She’s no longer programmed to respond to your voice.”
I turned to see V standing by the kitchen counter, his hands tucked into his pockets. The casual air about him contrasted so powerfully from how I had last seen him. Now it looked like he wanted to laugh, when hours ago, I was pretty sure he was about to cry.
His hoodie wasn’t zipped up as high as usual, and I got a glimpse of his tan neck. Which was odd because it was the middle of winter. And he never took off the damn hoodie to get any sun on his skin. He must have been naturally tan. My eyes wandered back up to his mask.
The expensive cologne he wore invaded my air supply. Maybe he had just taken a shower. Why the hell am I thinking about him taking a shower? I sat down at the kitchen counter and lifted up one of the doughnuts leftover from last night. “Awesome,” I said and took a bite. I took my time to swallow, trying to figure out what to say to him to gain my freedom back. “So if there’s a fire and I’m the only one in here, I’ll burn to death?”
“Voice activation doesn’t trump safety protocols.”
I wanted to strangle him. “Eli needs me.”
“He needs rest.”
“Why did you go see him the other day when you wouldn’t let me?”
“He’s my friend.”
“That’s not…you know what I meant. I’m just as stealthy as you. You trained me yourself. I’m not going to get caught.”
“You’re not as good as me.”
Arrogant prick. “And you two aren’t friends. You hate each other.”
“That’s not true. I respect Eli. That’s what our friendship is built on.”
“Well it’s certainly not mutual respect for boundaries with his girlfriend.”
V ignored me and pulled something out of his pocket. He placed my Sagitta pendant down on the counter. “You told me this meant everything to you. You said it made you feel like you weren’t alone. That it reminded you of your parents, your grandparents, and what it was like to be happy.”
I stared down at the necklace. I was surprised he remembered that. It seemed like ages ago that I cared about that pendant. I had been so obsessed when I had lost it. When in truth it was a worthless trinket. V had been right the whole time.
“But that was a lie, right?” he asked.
I shook my head and looked back up at him. “No.” It wasn’t a lie. I ju
st felt more content now carrying around a gun than some stupid necklace from a boy that had cast me aside. I hated that necklace and I hated what it stood for. My past needed to stay in the past. A constant reminder wasn’t helping me.
“You lied to me then and you’re lying to me now. It reminds you of Miles.”
Hearing his name made me want to cry. I wasn’t even sure why I still had such a strong reaction to him. I should have felt nothing. I wanted to feel nothing. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Why else would you have stopped wearing it? It meant everything to you, remember? Your words, not mine. If it means everything then why was it stuck in a drawer in your desk instead of hanging from your fucking neck?”
I stared at him. Why was he so worked up about this? “Despite what you might think, it felt like a link to my past. And I’m done with my past.”
“If you had seriously moved on from your past, then you wouldn’t still be hell-bent on killing Don.”
“I’m allowed to want justice for what he took from me without wanting to hold on to a stupid trinket from my past.” I could feel my heart rate accelerating. It was like he was purposely trying to push my buttons. What was his problem?
“Just admit that you don’t want to wear it anymore because Miles has moved on with his life and doesn’t want you back anymore.”
“He stopped wanting me back when he stopped writing to me!” I took a deep breath. I knew that Miles never stopped writing, but it still felt like he had. V was making the memories swirl to the surface. This conversation was suffocating me. I wanted to leave it in the past. I needed to leave it in the past. “It has nothing to do with him.”
“He’s the one that gave it to you.”
“When I thought he loved me!” I wasn’t sure why I was yelling. And I wasn’t sure why there were tears forming in my eyes.
“Just admit that I never had a chance. And neither did Eli.”
“Yes, okay? It reminded me of Miles. But I’m over him. That was so long ago. I was just a stupid kid.”
He pulled an envelope out of his pocket. “Don’t pretend for a second that what you just said is true. And stop lying to me and saying that you love Eli. Because you don’t. You’re still in love with your childhood sweetheart. And the saddest part is that you don’t even know if he’s the same person anymore. You know nothing about him besides for the fact that you used to like him. It’s pathetic.” He placed the envelope down on the counter next to the pendant. His hand was on top of it so that I couldn’t see who it was addressed to. “Yet, your heart beats for one person and one person only. Miles Young.”
This again? “You know what? We’ve already had this conversation. I’m not going to rehash this with you right now.”
“All I’m saying is that it’s not me. And it’s certainly not Eli.” He lifted his hand off the envelope.
Miles’ name was scrawled across the front of the envelope. In my handwriting. And it was opened. I grabbed the envelope and pulled out the letter I had written Miles when I thought I was going to die. The one I had slipped under his door and told him to read. How did V have this? Unless…I looked up at V. Miles?
It was like he could sense my question. “I followed you that night. I got the letter back before Miles ever saw it. You had just confessed to loving me and Eli and I knew you were about to do something idiotic. Which you did.”
I swallowed hard. “Miles never saw it?”
V shook his head.
For months I'd thought he knew and didn’t care. “You’re saying that he doesn’t know that I’m Summer?”
V shrugged.
Miles didn’t know? Miles had no idea who I was! He just thought Sadie disappeared. And why would he care about Sadie? I had always acted like a complete lunatic around him. He didn’t know who I even was. Which meant he hadn’t necessarily given up on me. The only thing that mattered was that he didn’t stop looking for Summer.
It felt like my heart started beating again. And then it cracked a little more when I thought about Eli. And then it exploded into fire when I looked at V. “If Miles never saw this letter, then why was it opened?”
“Because I read it. I needed to know why you’d never love me back.”
“It wasn’t addressed to you.”
He took step toward me. “And you promised all of us that you’d stop seeing him. And you definitely promised to keep your identity a secret.”
“When did you read it?” I asked, ignoring him.
“As soon as I found it. While you were busy on the roof.”
I thought about how cold V had been to me the past few months. He had read my letter to Miles. He knew I had slept with Miles. He knew everything. Yet he still said he loved me before he thought we were going to die. Because his feelings were that strong. And when reality came crashing down? He realized that loving me was a waste of time. Because my heart belonged to Miles.
“You knew about this for months and didn’t tell me?” It was like he was trying to rob me of my happiness. I looked around the apartment. Like he was trying to keep me locked up so I couldn’t go to anyone else. “You’re insane.”
“I needed more time with you.”
“Time? You’ve been so cold to me. If you wanted more time you should have utilized it a little better.”
He put one of his elbows on the counter. It bothered me how casual he looked.
“Like how you’ve been utilizing your time with Eli?” he asked. “I never wanted to lie to you. I was waiting for you to realize that it was us written in the stars, not you and Miles. Because you’re not Summer Brooks anymore. You’re not. You were supposed to forget about him.”
“And you thought that it would help if I thought he had forgotten about me?”
“I thought it wouldn’t hurt. But clearly I was wrong because you love leaving a trail of broken hearts in your wake.”
“That’s a little dramatic…”
“Is it? I’ve only ever loved you. And I’ll only ever love you. Even when you're completely blind to your own feelings.”
“What?” Liza croaked from the entrance to the kitchen.
Shit. “It’s nothing, Liza. V’s just completely lost his mind.”
She looked so hurt. It was like reliving the moment when Kins saw me almost kiss Miles. And I hated that I was just on an unending loop of hurting people. Leaving a trail of broken hearts in my wake.
“I’m going to go visit Eli,” Liza said and backed out of the kitchen before I could say anything else.
“You just broke her heart," I said to V. "So don’t you dare pretend that you haven’t hurt anyone.” I grabbed the letter and necklace off the counter and followed Liza.
“At least I never pretended to reciprocate her feelings like you did with me,” he said to my back. “And you’re free to leave the apartment now. But don’t come crawling back to me when nothing is as it seems.”
I ignored his haunting words. He was manipulative. He was insane. And I hated that maybe he was just a tiny bit right about me.
Chapter 24
Monday
I leaned against the wall outside my old dorm building. I didn’t know why I was here. The first thing I should have done with my new freedom was go to Eli. Yet, here I was. I wasn’t worried about anyone recognizing me. I hadn’t exactly made a bunch of friends on my floor. But I still kept my knit hat pulled low. My face was plastered on news stations. And V was right, my hair wasn’t fooling anyone.
It was late. I’d be lucky if someone came in or out so I could slip in. And I wasn’t even entirely sure that I wanted to talk to Miles. He had been laughing and flirting with that blonde girl on move-in day. I hadn’t imagined that. Just because he didn’t read my letter didn’t mean he didn’t know the truth. I mean, I literally just thought about my hair not fooling anyone. Miles still could have known and he still could have moved on. Showing up here was insane. Right?
I pulled out the letter from my pocket and unfolded it. I barel
y remembered what I had even written. Some days I even wished that I had died that night. That everything had ended. That my whole body was no longer filled with pain. I closed my eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. I felt like my whole body was worn to the bone. Like I was approaching 80 instead of 19. Like I was frail. I opened my eyes and read the letter.
Miles,
I fell in love with you the first time I ever saw you. It didn't even feel like a choice. I honestly couldn't help falling in love with you. And a part of me has always believed it was because we were written in the stars.
That night in your tree house when you took my hand, I thought it was the best night of my life. But life is such a fleeting thing. You can have your whole life in front of you one second, and then it can be taken away in a flash. But I always had you. I needed you after my parents died and you were my one constant.
Until suddenly you weren't. For years, I felt so alone. You hurt me. So I know I hurt you too. And for that, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I disappeared. I'm sorry you couldn't find me. But it wasn't my choice. I never wanted to disappear. I never stopped wanting to be found. I never stopped needing you, Miles. That was the whole problem. I needed you more than ever and it felt like you didn't need me.
My love for you mixed with hate. I still loved you, but I fucking hated you too. I hated you for abandoning me. I hated you for forgetting about what we were. But I understand now. I'm sorry about the years apart. I'm sorry if you ever felt cut as deep as I did. And I'm sorry if your life stopped like mine.
I lived with a monster. And I became one too. I was torn between wanting you to find me and wanting you to never see what I had become. The truth is, I'm not the girl you remember. The years changed me more than you could ever know. And I don't want you to know what happened. I don't want you to dig. I don't want you to get hurt more than I've already hurt you. Summer Brooks is dead. It's important that you understand that.
But you've always seen me. You saw through my disguise right away at the diner. I had never heard anything as sweet as my name on your lips. And I'm sorry I couldn't tell you. I got mixed up in something bigger than you and me.
