“You’re right. Just forget it,” I say, looking back down at my paper.
“Nova.”
I don’t look up.
“I didn’t mean to disregard your past.”
“It’s fine,” I say, still staring at the paper but not seeing any of the problems.
He blows out a breath, then leans across the table. “I want you more than I can explain. I see you in class and remember what your skin felt like under my touch. I see you smile at people in class and think back to that night in the bar when you kept aiming that bright, beautiful smile in my direction. When I see you, I remember the night we shared together and how for the first time in a long time, I wanted more.”
I finally bring my head up and get lost in his eyes as he looks at me with such sincerity.
“There’s something about you,” he whispers. “It’s like I know I could be happy again.” He shakes his head. “But you’re my student, and you’re so young, and you deserve more than to be my dirty little secret.”
19
She looks at me with such emotion. Her lips part in shock, and her wide, soulful eyes are staring into mine. They’re full of wonder and surprise, and both joy and sadness. I know what I told her may not be fair. Because in the same vein it’s giving her hope while also taking it away. I’ve admitted my feelings and then told her nothing will ever come of them.
“I’m gonna go,” I say, gathering my things.
“No,” she replies, reaching out for my hand before quickly snatching it back. “Please stay.”
“It’s better if I don’t.”
“Why?”
I stop what I’m doing and let my eyes roam over her face. “Because all I want to do when I look at you is pull you into one of those private study rooms and take advantage of you.”
She bites down on her lip. “You wouldn’t be taking advantage.”
“I’m your professor. It’s an abuse of power.”
“I’m still a woman,” she states. “I’m not a child, and I don’t have a problem telling anybody no. What you don’t get is that I want you to do all the dirty things that are running through your mind.” She lowers her voice. “I want you to fuck me in the study rooms, in your office, or in the classroom. I want it all.”
My cock twitches at the same time I let out a low groan. “You’re making it hard—”
“Am I?” she questions flirtatiously, cutting me off.
I pin her with a look and she presses her lips together, fighting off a grin.
“You’re making it hard to be responsible, to follow the rules.”
“I hear there’s multiple professors sleeping with students.”
My eyes widen. “Who said that?”
“Like, half the student body. Everyone hears rumors.”
With a sigh, I say, “And that’s exactly why I cannot do this. I don’t need rumors to be going around about me.”
She huffs, her body going rigid. “Okay. I get it. I won’t bother you anymore. I won’t talk to you unless it’s about class. I won’t flirt. I’ll let my hopes go, and you won’t have anything to worry about.” She collects her belongings and stands up. “But when I start dating, you better not have one single thing to say about it, because this is what you want. I appreciate what you had to say earlier, but I’d be your dirty little secret if it meant being able to spend time with you.”
She storms off, leaving me to think about whether I did the right thing or not.
On the surface, yes, I did. There are legit reasons why we can’t be together, but, I can’t help but wonder if I’m doing the right thing for me. Not me, the professor, but just me, Elijah. What if there’s potential for much more than a one-night stand? I’ll never really know. God, I wish I had my mom or dad here to talk to about these things. They were always so easy to talk to, and never judgmental.
Maybe I’ll talk to my brothers on Sunday when we have dinner. Maybe it’s time to be honest and seek their advice or opinions. I’m just so used to being the person people come to, that it feels weird being the one who needs someone.
* * *
After the abrupt ending of my tutoring session with Nova, I decide to pack up and head to Antoni’s to grab a pizza for dinner since I’m in no mood to cook tonight.
While sitting on a stool and gazing out of the front window, I spot Midge’s mom, Barbara Halcomb, walking past the storefront. When she notices me, she gives me a wide smile and wave then decides to enter the store.
“Hey, Elijah, how are you?” she asks, giving me a hug before taking a seat next to me.
“Oh, you know, pretty much the same,” I respond. “Waiting for dinner.”
She puts on her serious mom face. “You’re not going back to that again, are you?” Her smile lets me know she’s joking, but I definitely remember the intervention she had with me all those years ago.
I chuckle. “No, it’s a rarity. Just not in the cooking mood tonight.”
She touches my arm. “I’m just messing with you. Lord knows I order Chinese food more often than I should.”
“Well, I still make sure Cillian and Royce come to my house once a week for a good meal. I can’t control what they eat anymore, but I at least make sure they eat well one night a week,” I say with a laugh. “Plus, they have women in their lives now, so I’m sure they’re well taken care of.”
Barbara throws her head back and laughs. “Midge might be a bad influence on Cillian. I’m always telling her to stop going to fast food places. Maybe he’ll rub off on her and not the other way around.” I grin at her and she continues. “So, looks like two of the four Kingston boys are settling down. I know Merrick is in another world right now, so I don’t expect him to be looking to settle anytime soon, but he’s young. He has time. What about you?”
“You calling me old?” I joke.
She smiles. “I’d kill to be your age, but you know, I’m just checkin’ on ya.”
“Not sure I’m meant to have a woman in my life,” I tell her, shocking myself for letting that admission slip so easily.
She tilts her head. “I know I’m not your momma, and I’d never pretend to be, but you know you can talk to me, right? I hold our conversations close to my heart.”
I think back to the couple of talks we had several years ago. The first one was right after our parents died. She came over to let me know that if I ever needed anything, she was just a phone call away. She offered to watch Merrick if I ever needed a break. At the time, Cillian and Royce were sixteen and seventeen, but Merrick was only eleven, and she knew I was both working and going to school.
I never took her up on it. I strapped the responsibility to my back and made it work, even if it meant Royce and Cillian needed to stay home with Merrick instead of going out. I didn’t want to rely on anyone else. My parents entrusted me with the lives of their other kids, and I felt like I had to do it on my own.
Cillian was going over to Barbara’s house a lot back then, because he was best friends with her daughter, Midge, and I’m thankful he had them. Our house was sad and quiet for a long time, but Midge really helped Cill come out of his depression.
Merrick was young and confused, but he had music and his friends to help him through it. Royce suffered, and didn’t allow anyone to get close to him for a long time. His heart was shattered by the death of our parents and he couldn’t allow himself to care for anybody else in case he lost them, too. At least until recently.
The second conversation I had with Barbara was when she came over a few months after their deaths, and told me I had to shape up. She wasn’t rude about it, but I wasn’t caring for my brothers like I should’ve been. We stayed alive by eating out almost every day, or eating a bunch of junk food. We barely spoke to each other, because we were all suffering. She told me I needed to create a new normal, but a healthy one.
She began sending meals over, and then I started to learn how to recreate them. I stayed on top of the boys when it came to their homework, and helped keep them on a g
ood path.
It’s not easy raising young men when you’re still young yourself, and I had held in all of my emotion because I didn’t want them to see me weak. I didn’t want them to watch me crumble, because they needed someone to be strong for them. But by doing that, I never allowed myself time to grieve.
The day Barbara came over and talked to me, I broke down and cried like a baby. She wrapped me in her arms and let me weep. We stayed in touch for a little while after that, but once I pulled myself together again, I let time pass without actually letting her know how much that day meant to me.
Recently, she had a birthday party, and I was happy to be able to speak to her again and let her know how much I appreciated what she did for not only me, but my brothers as well.
“You know,” I say, clearing my throat. “I wish I had taken you up on your offer to call when I needed anything. I think I could’ve used your advice more than I wanted to admit. But I’ll forever be thankful that you stepped in when you did and opened my eyes.”
She reaches out and rubs my forearm, tears welling in her eyes. “I’m just so sorry that you boys had to go through that. But don’t try to convince me that you aren’t deserving of love. You’ve loved and cared for those boys for years. You’ve never put yourself first, but they’re grown now, sweetheart. You did good.” She squeezes my arm, giving me a smile. “You have to have a life, too.”
A lump forms in my throat, because I imagine my mom saying these same things. I was an adult when my parents died, but you never stop needing your parents. You don’t need them to take care of you forever, but sometimes you need their wisdom, advice, and counsel.
“Thank you. I’m gonna try, but,” I sigh, shaking my head, not sure what to even say.
“Look, let’s plan to meet up again. We don’t need to have a full-on therapy session in the middle of a pizza place.” She laughs, making me chuckle along with her. “But I’m more than happy to keep listening. So, let’s meet up this weekend, yeah?” She stands up. “Is Saturday good? I’ll be at Meadow Acres around noon, because that’s where I do my walking. Meet me there?”
She doesn’t leave much room to say no, but I wouldn’t anyway. I nod, giving her a grateful smile. “I’ll see you then.”
20
It’s Friday, which means another day of calculus, but I ignored Elijah as much as I could. He didn’t call on me in class, and I kept my head down almost the whole time. I’m still in my feelings about the way everything went down on Wednesday, but tonight is party night, and I’m determined to put him out of my mind and have a good time.
I have to stop dwelling on a one-night stand. Perhaps I would’ve been over it already if he weren’t my professor and I didn’t have to see him several times a week. Maybe I wouldn’t be so worked up over him not wanting to be with me if I didn’t get shivers down my spine every time he looked at me, and if that kiss in his office wasn’t still playing on repeat in my brain.
I’m already getting ready to meet up with Lorenzo, Ayanna, and Luca. It’s late October, but the night isn’t too cold. I choose to wear a long-sleeved black dress that comes to a stop right above my knees, and a pair of black booties. It’s not like I’m going to be outside a whole lot anyway.
My curly hair is loose around my face, falling past my shoulders, and I keep makeup minimal as usual, focusing on eye makeup and a mauve lipstick.
Once I’m done, I get in my car and drive to Antoni’s to meet up with my friends. When I walk in, Lorenzo’s eyes widen as they travel over every curve on my body. He gives me a hug and whispers in my ear, “Damn, Mami. You’re gonna have me fighting the guys away.”
I grin and playfully smack him, then take a seat across from Ayanna and Luca.
“Damn, girl. You’re not playin’ around tonight,” Ayanna says with a grin.
“We ordered already,” Lorenzo says. “You picky about your pizza?”
“As long as it doesn’t have pineapples or onions.”
“All right, then we’re good.”
When the food arrives at the table, the four of us dig in, then Lorenzo has all of us cracking up. He doesn’t have to try hard to get people laughing.
As we’re polishing off our drinks, a couple walks in and goes straight to the counter and asks if they can leave flyers. The guy seems to know the lady at the counter, and she tells him it’s okay, then as they’re leaving, he glances at our table and heads over.
“Hey, you guys over twenty-one?”
He looks familiar, and I try to remember where I’ve seen him before.
“Yeah, why?” Lorenzo questions.
“I own the bar down the block. We’re having a Halloween party. Tell your friends.” He places a few flyers on our table, and then his green eyes meet mine. He looks away, then does a double-take. Tilting his head slightly, he gives me a smile, then says, “Have a good night.” He wraps his arm around the shoulder of the blond woman he’s with and walks out.
Ayanna picks up a flyer. “Cool. Costume party. Now we need to go shopping,” she tells me.
“You guys wanna go to this?” Luca questions.
“You don’t?” Ayanna fires back. “Fine, me and Nova will go, and all the guys will be looking at us.”
“All right, all right,” Luca says, giving her a kiss on the temple.
“Who’s ready to drink?” Lorenzo asks, standing up. “Because I am.”
* * *
An hour later, we’re one shot and one drink in, hanging out in one of the dorm rooms in Cashis Hall. The main lights are out, leaving a bright LED strobe to light up the room while music blasts from a stereo.
There are four rooms open for partying tonight, and a ton of students wandering in and out of each one, dancing, drinking, making out, and playing a variety of drinking games.
“You wanna be my partner for beer pong?” Lorenzo asks.
I shrug. “Sure.”
We partner up against a couple of jocks, and because of me, we lose.
“Damn, girl. We need to work on your aim,” Lorenzo says, swallowing down the last cup of beer.
I giggle, already tipsy, “Sorry. Hand-eye coordination isn't my thing, I guess.”
Lorenzo’s been a little more touchy feely tonight—wrapping his arm around my shoulder or waist, grabbing my hand to escort me through all the people when we move to another room, stuff like that.
We haven’t discussed dating or hooking-up, but I can tell he’s testing the waters. I don’t hate his touch, and like I said before, he’s definitely good-looking, but there’s a mental block keeping me from throwing my arms around his neck and kissing him.
That block is Elijah, so I keep drinking, hoping to drown him out.
The four of us go to another room and play another game called flip cup, which means drinking more beer. But it’s a cool game and there’s good music, so we have fun.
It’s just barely past eleven o’clock and I’m already feeling like I’ve been drinking for hours. We got an early start tonight, but I’m starting to think I should get some food to help absorb some of this alcohol. Of course these dorm parties never have food.
“You okay over here?” Lorenzo asks.
I nod and give him a drunken happy smile. “I think I drank too much too fast. Beer and those shots aren’t mixing well.”
His face shows concern. “You think you’re gonna throw up? Pass out?”
I snort and shake my head. “Nah. I’ll be fine. Just gonna slow down.”
“You sure?”
I shoot him another smile as my eyelids start feeling heavier. “Positive.”
He grins and leans in and places a quick kiss on my forehead. “I’m gonna find Ayanna and Luca. Don’t move. I’ll be back.”
God, he’s great. I wish I wasn’t hung up on Elijah, because Lorenzo’s an absolute sweetheart.
I stay where I am for a couple minutes, until a group of guys start crowding my corner as they talk about their last football game.
I start to get hot and sweaty, a
nd the loud bass of the music triggers a headache. I need to find another room that isn’t as loud and crowded, and maybe a cup of water.
As I make my way out into the hall and into the next room over, I slide my phone from my wristlet and send a quick text to both Lorenzo and Ayanna and tell them where I’ve moved.
When I get into the room, I spot a girl holding a burrito and my stomach growls instantly. “Where’d you get that?”
She finishes chewing, her eyes red and glassy, probably like mine. “Not too far away,” she slurs. “Umm, go downstairs, go over a block or so, there’s a fast food place.”
I nod like I understand, excited that there’s food nearby, and not at all thinking about how trash those directions were.
When I get outside, the cool air feels good against my face. I stand there for a few seconds, trying to determine which way I should go. What did she say? A block away? That’s hard to gauge since this whole area is just residence halls. I walk about a block’s length to the main road, but as I look to my left and right, I don’t find any sign of life. No bright signs or lit up buildings alert me of a restaurant left open for drunken co-eds. Maybe she meant a block from here.
I go in the direction that looks more familiar, but I still don’t know where everything is on this campus, and the alcohol and dark isn’t helping. I should probably just go back to the party, but now that I’m out here, I’m determined to find food.
I walk for a little while until I come to the decision that that girl was drunk as fuck and has no idea how to give directions or doesn’t know how far a block is supposed to be. I guarantee she had someone drive her about a mile or so away to get that damn burrito.
As I’m heading back to Cashis Hall, I pull my phone out and respond to a couple texts from Ayanna and Lorenzo, letting them know I’m on my way.
Two minutes later, headlights shine brightly into my eyes as a car approaches. A few seconds after that, the same car reverses and stops next to me.
Against the Rules Page 8
