by Alan Zweibel
SHE
What?
HE
Combs.
SHE
Combs.
HE
All I saw was plastic teeth and those pocket holders, which we also made. You see, my dad was the king of combs, and I was the prince who was supposed to assume his rightful place on the comb throne. But now, with the king gone, there I was, questioning what I really wanted to be when I grew up. That’s why I took this job, to see what my next move should be, and when the opportunity presented itself, I’d seize the moment and become my own kind of king.
SHE
I’m sure you will.
HE
Thanks. And don’t worry, your savior will come.
SHE
My Sir Lancelot?
HE
Sure.
SHE
My knight in shining armor who will slay the dragon?
HE
If that’s what you want him to do.
SHE
And then sweep me off my feet and we’ll live happily ever after in Camelot?
HE
Camelot?
SHE
Camelot.
HE
Then Camelot it shall be.
He runs to the booth and turns on the CD player.
We hear the overture to Camelot.
He appears, smiles, and waves, then disappears.
A plastic, uninflated dragon comes flying out of the booth and lands between the two booths. It inflates next to her.
He emerges, wearing a breastplate and helmet and wielding a sword, just in time to sing at the appropriate musical moment.
HE
(singing)
Camelot! Camelot!
He strides out of the booth toward the dragon.
The music continues throughout.
His moves are choreographed as such that he approaches her as she cowers, gestures that she needn’t be afraid, approaches the dragon, brings his sword back, and keeps hitting the dragon until it eventually deflates.
He approaches her, victorious. She now sees him as her noble, heroic knight.
He flings down his sword, helmet, and cape. She throws off her coat, revealing a taffeta prom dress.
They come together in front of the tollbooths and bow and curtsey respectively, as the tollbooths are transformed into the towers and turrets of Camelot. They start to dance—in between and around the tollbooths—gracefully and romantically to the music.
Toward the end of the overture, they dance toward the tollbooth arm, which magically rises; they dance through and stop to sing.
HE AND SHE
(singing)…
for one brief shining moment,
that was known as Cam-e-lot.
They almost kiss, as the overture segues into “If Ever I Would Leave You.”
He walks her back to her booth, where they stop awkwardly, looking tentatively at each other.
SHE
I had a real nice time.
HE
Me too.
A beat.
HE
Good night.
SHE
Good night.
He turns and walks slowly toward his booth.
SHE
Hey, Lancelot!
He stops walking.
HE
Yeah?
He turns to her.
SHE
What do you say we seize the moment?
She gestures toward the inside of her booth.
HE
Okay.
He runs a few steps toward her, then turns on his heels, rushes to his booth, enters, and rushes out carrying two pillows and a blanket under his arm.
He runs about halfway to her booth, again skids to a halt, turns on his heels, rushes back, flips a switch that changes the light over the booths from green to red, runs out, and goes straight into her booth, the door slamming behind him.
MUSIC
LIGHTS SLOWLY FADE OUT.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Writing is a solitary act. But making writing my livelihood was a group effort—one that provided me with encouragement, inspiration, and opportunity.
For these invaluable gifts, my gratitude starts with my parents, who at times during an uncertain beginning had more faith in me than I had in myself.
From there, a list forms. It includes those who gave me a chance as well as those who extended a hand when I stumbled along the way. People like Morty Gunty, David Jonas, Lorne Michaels, Gilda Radner, Buck Henry, Herb Sargent, Arnie Kogen, Bernie Brillstein, Don Zakarin, Larry David, Billy Crystal, Rob Reiner, Peter Gethers, Bruce Tracy, Alan Gasmer, Martin Short, Mel Berger, Alison Grambs, and Drew Simon. I’ve been real lucky. And I thank them all for that luck.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
An original Saturday Night Live writer, ALAN ZWEIBEL has won multiple Emmy, Writers Guild of America, and TV Critics awards for his work in television, which also includes It’s Garry Shandling’s Show (which he co-created and executive-produced), Monk, and Curb Your Enthusiasm. In films, he co-wrote the screenplays for Dragnet, North, and The Story of Us. In addition, he wrote the popular children’s book Our Tree Named Steve and the 2006 Thurber Prize–winning novel, The Other Shulman. His humor has appeared in such diverse publications as Esquire, The Atlantic Monthly, and MAD magazine, as well as on the New York Times op-ed page, and has been reprinted in numerous anthologies around the world. Alan’s theatrical contributions include the play Bunny Bunny: Gilda Radner—A Sort of Romantic Comedy, which he adapted from his bestselling book. He also collaborated with Billy Crystal on the Tony Award–winning play 700 Sundays, and with Martin Short on the Broadway hit Fame Becomes Me. A frequent guest on late-night talk shows such as Late Show with David Letterman, Alan tours the country doing speaking engagements and performing his own one-man show, which he modestly calls The History of Me. But the production that Alan is most proud of is the family that he and wife, Robin, have created with their children, Adam, Lindsay, and Sari, and Adam’s wife, Cori.
www.alanzweibel.com
ALSO BY ALAN ZWEIBEL
The Other Shulman
Our Tree Named Steve
Bunny Bunny: Gilda Radner—A Sort of Love Story
North
Copyright © 2008 by Alan Zweibel
All rights reserved.
Published in the United States by Villard Books, an imprint of The Random House Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.
VILLARD and “V” CIRCLED Design are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc.
Some of the essays in this work were originally published in AARP Bulletin, Atlantic Monthly, Esquire, Los Angeles Magazine, Los Angeles Times Sunday Magazine, On Writing, and The New York Times.
LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA
Zweibel, Alan.
Clothing optional: and other ways to read these stories / Alan Zweibel.
p. cm.
1. Zweibel, Alan. 2. Television writers—United States—Biography. 3. Television producers and directors—United States—Biography. I. Title.
PN1992.4.Z84A3 2008
818'.5402—dc22 2008023242
www.villard.com
Illustrations by Alan Zweibel
eISBN: 978-0-345-50984-0
v3.0
