His features are controlled. He’s reaching for whatever shrink training he might’ve had, but failing. “Okay, let’s talk. What was that this morning?”
I wrinkle my brow. “What are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about the show you were putting on with Randy.”
“First of all, we didn’t put on a show. He was just getting too close. Second of all, what I do isn’t your business.”
“All the counselors saw you.” He says it with disdain. I can hear the pain in his words, and I wish I could retrace my steps this morning. “Relationships between patients are against the rules.”
“So are relationships between counselors and patients.”
“That’s not fair. You know how I feel about you.” He shakes his head, tapping his pen on his blank notepad. “Do you know that it only took seconds for people to start talking about you and Randy?”
I wish I could smile at his jealously. “Isn’t it better if people talk about me and Randy than if they talk about me and you?”
He looks up. His pen is still. “What do you mean?”
“Yesterday. Vilma basically told me that the girl you were talking about during lunch was me. Really smooth, Hutch. The day I fell off the horse, Taylor tried to help me off my saddle. I didn’t want his help, but he made it seem like I was waiting for you. I’m not trying to hurt you, but I also know how important your job is to you. What would happen if you got fired because of me?”
“I’d find another job.”
“Not as a counselor. Not if anything about us got on your record. You know no one can find out about this.”
“Are you sure you’re trying to protect me and not you?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
He sighs. Sets his notepad to the side. He clenches his jaw so tight, the muscles there ripple. “I mean you’re afraid of the things I said the other day. You’re afraid of letting me too close. You said so yourself. I don’t want the answer to be jumping into—”
“Randy’s bed? You can’t be my boyfriend, Hutch. You’re not allowed to be.”
“Don’t sabotage this.”
“You think I’m afraid because you said I was the only girl you’ve fucked this year?” I scoff. “I’m trying to do what’s best here.”
“For who? And how? By sleeping with Randy?”
My nostrils flare. “I’m not going to sleep with Randy.”
“River, please. Don’t do me any favors.”
“I have to. I owe you. You saved my life up on that cliff. You carried me to the hospital when I fell off my horse. I owe you for so much, I can’t even begin to pay you back.”
“I’m not keeping a running tab for you. I’m doing these things because I care about you, River. Why is it so hard for you to let me care about you?”
“Because!” I stand up, pushing the chair back. I pace back and forth.
“That’s not an answer. You and I keep going back and forth—I try to protect you; you try to protect me. We’re going around in circles, and the only thing we’ve accomplished so far is more distance.”
He stands and closes the space between us so quickly, I gasp. His hands hover over my shoulders. He’s afraid to touch me. He should be. I’m a wildfire. I burn everything in my path. But I see the decision in his earth-brown eyes. He decides to hold me.
I close my eyes and breathe in his scent—leather and grass and coffee. His hands trail down my arms, holding my wrists with his palms. He brings my hands to his lips and kisses each one. He turns them over, kisses the inside of my wrists. I feel like I’m being stretched too thin. I don’t know what’s right or wrong anymore. I never used to care, but I care now.
I open my eyes. His stare is too much for me. I try to look away, but he cups my face with his hands. His touch is firm, but tender.
“Why are you afraid to look at me?” he whispers.
I glance at the closed door behind us. If someone were to come in, it would be over. Yet, I can’t pull away. I hold him tighter. I wrap my arms around his waist. Press my hands against the hard muscles of his back.
“Because I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. It’s freaking me out.”
He smirks. He thumbs my jawline, sending shivers down my skin. “You don’t have to freak out alone. You don’t have to protect us alone.”
I pull back. “Now you know how I felt seeing you with the nurse.”
He graces me with his brilliant smile. “I wouldn’t take you for the jealous type.”
“I’m not. Mostly because I’ve never cared before.” I trace my fingers down his spine.
“Jealousy is normal,” he says. “But it’s not healthy. I don’t like to lose my cool that way.”
“Relax, Dr. Shrink. Just be yourself.”
“I am being myself.”
“I mean you don’t have to be a counselor with me.” That’s the magic word. It pulls us back to the wrongness, the reality of this. We let go and unhook ourselves from each other. He’s two feet away, but it feels like miles.
He sits back, gripping the arms of his chair tightly. “Fine. I’ve wanted to smash Randy’s brains in ever since you made his nose bleed. I hate that you kissed him.”
“His cheek.”
“I don’t care where. I hate it. I hated seeing you with him.”
“You’re not my boyfriend, Hutch.”
“But I want to be.” His stare is unwavering. I force myself to hold on. “I’ve never felt this way about another woman. The more I get to know you, the less I care about losing everything.”
I feel dizzy. My mouth is dry. “Don’t be reckless. We have to be smart about this. We can have it all. You just have to trust me. Can you do that?”
He clears his throat. He leans forward. “Yes. I can. I will. What do you want me to do?”
“I’m going to go to Randy tomorrow night.”
He shuts his eyes and looks down. “Absolutely not.”
“I just need people to see me going down the corridor. I’m not going to do anything with him. I’ll stand him up. But I know guys like him. He’s going to save face. He’s going to make up all kinds of things about me.”
“I don’t like this.”
“You haven’t even heard about what you’re going to do.”
His eyes widen. He licks his lips. “What am I going to do?”
“You’re going to leave here and go on a date.”
“No, I’m not.”
“Yes, you are. Or at least tell people you are. You know who the gossip mills are. You also have to stay away from me for a little while. I mean it, Hutch. You’re always there when I need help. It’ll get noticeable.”
“This is either a really smart plan,” he says, “or the most elaborate ruse to blow me off ever.”
I get out of my seat and kiss him hard and fast. I forgot how sensitive my neck still is, but I don’t care. I lose track of time as Hutch kisses me back. His lips taste my lips and his tongue finds my tongue. I rest my knees on either side of him, and the armchair groans with our weight. His hands grab my ass and squeeze so hard, I cry out. I’m so wet I could put the Clark Fork River to shame.
I stand back, placing a hand over my heart. I sit back just as someone knocks on the door. One of the temp counselors. Hutch clears his throat, but keeps his notepad over his crotch area.
“Hey, Simmons. We’re just wrapping up here. What’s up?”
“I just wanted to go over the camping trip. You got a sec?”
“I’ll just be going,” I say, hoping Simmons doesn’t notice the redness on my lips. I pull out a piece of paper from the back of my jeans. “Here’s the list of supplies we need.”
“River Thomas, right?” Simmons asks. I nod. “I’m Dr. Simmons.” He holds his clipboard up. “Have you signed up for the camping trip?”
“I don’t really have any camping stuff.”
“Oh, we provide it. I can put you down—spaces fill up quickly. Last month Hutch and I did a great campfir
e medley. I heard about your singing at the Children’s hospital.”
I hang onto the doorknob. “Sure thing. Sign me up.”
I don’t even glance at Hutch as I exit the room, and it kills me.
• • •
Not looking at Hutch is harder than I thought. The next day I feel him everywhere. He’s there when I go for my walk—as I’m heading out on the trail, he’s on his way back. Despite the brisk fall air, he’s shirtless and in shorts. Still thinking about our kiss this morning, I’m ready to continue it. But as I start to take a step toward him, Maddie and Julie come jogging up from behind him, followed by Pete. Maddie and Julie burst into giggles as Pete runs past them, shirtless. Hutch just shakes his head and keeps his headphones on.
I break from the path and head into the woods. I’m getting better at orienting myself. Now that I’ve spent more time in the trees, I can tell the subtle differences between the patterns. I keep a lookout for the doe that likes to hang out here, but no such luck.
I spend lunch sandwiched between Vilma and Jermania, who ask if I’m actually going to hook up with Randy.
“I haven’t decided yet,” I say. “I mean, he’s totally hot. He just talks too much.”
Vilma tries to wave Hutch over, but he’s sitting with the other counselors today. “Well, if you do hook up with Randy, be sure to tell us every filthy detail.”
I smirk and bite down on an apple. It’s brown on the inside, and I end up throwing it out.
After lunch, I find myself being extra quiet during group. Maddie is telling a story about the first time she got blackout drunk. She woke up naked in her basement and didn’t remember getting there. She cried a little bit, but my feelings have started to change toward her. What looks like a sad, lost little girl is actually someone incredibly calculating. Someone like me. Perhaps I’m not the best con artist in this whole joint after all.
She stops me after group and nudges me in the ribs. “So, are you feeling better?”
I smile and take the arm she extends, like we’re schoolgirls skipping around between classes. “Much, thank you.”
“There’s more where that came from, you know.”
I give her a playful grin. “Really?”
“You didn’t… tell anyone?”
“Of course not! I can keep a secret.”
“Me too,” she says, just to say it. “Speaking of secrets, I heard you’re meeting up with Randy tonight.”
“From who?” That was fast.
She shrugs. “From Randy. He’s telling everyone. Did you know his parents own a burger chain in Iowa? I’ve never been to Iowa. Anyway, he’s rich.”
I can practically see the light bulb go on over Maddie’s head.
“I’m sure he rolls in his dad’s money before bed,” I tell her. I let that simmer. If I’ve read Maddie right, I bet she’s going to give Randy an invitation to the barn, even if she doesn’t trust me enough to invite me. She changes the subject right away.
“Are you going on the camping expedition next week?”
“I am. And you can’t laugh at me. It’s going to be my first time.”
“Well, let’s hope the third time is the charm when it comes to you and the great outdoors.”
“Let’s hope.”
• • •
Before dinner, I decide to go to the stables. Jillian is putting the horses away when she spots me.
“I’m so happy you’re feeling better,” she says. “Did you want to see Apollo?”
She leads me to his stable, and hands me a carrot. “When you’re done, just close the door.”
“I will.” I head inside to grab a brush. “Hey, boy, did you miss me?”
He licks his lips and yawns. I didn’t realize horses yawn.
“Of course you didn’t. You’re a horse.” I get into a rhythm brushing his flank. “You know, the only pet I ever had was a goldfish, and that ended with a flush down the toilet. Ever since then, my dad wouldn’t let us have pets.
“Even between the two of us, we couldn’t keep plants alive. I begged him to buy us a cactus after I did a report on the desert in junior high. The little ones with the tiny flowers. It was dead within the week. I’m less nurturing than the deserts of New Mexico. Isn’t that something? You don’t seem to mind me though.” I rub the spot between Apollo’s eyes, and he makes a funny noise. I give him his carrot, and he munches away.
“So this is where you like to hide,” Randy says, wrapping his arms around me from behind.
I jump. “I’m not hiding.”
He holds his arms up, like he means no harm. He leans against the frame of Apollo’s stall. He shuts his eyes and looks like he’s trying to find the square root of pi. He mutters something that sounds like, “trust fund.”
Then he drops his pants. He’s commando, and semi-hard. As if thoroughly offended, Apollo kicks his forelegs up.
“Put that thing away,” I hiss at Randy. I’m trying not to laugh at how stupid he looks, pantless in a horse stable.
“I thought… You said…” He backs away and looks around, panicked.
I scoff. “Dude, seriously. You think I’m going to have sex with you in front of all these horses?”
He looks up at the roof and curses. His blue eyes glimmer in the gaslight. He looks even more mortified when he looks down at his crotch.
Apollo and I exchange a long look, and I swear even the horse is embarrassed.
“Hold on a second,” Randy says. “This never happens.”
“Mmhmm.” I continue brushing Apollo’s mane. I wish I could say this is the strangest thing that’s happened to me, but I worked in a village dungeon for a stint.
“This almost never happens.” He spits on his hand and I’m forced to listen to the terrible sound of him trying to get it up. I just feel sorry for the horses.
“Randy,” I say. “Stop. You don’t have to do this.”
“You don’t understand!” He starts to cry. He pulls up his pants. “You don’t know. I think I just stole too many of my dad’s Viagra as a kid. Now I can’t get an erection without them.”
His hands are trembling. He turns around and looks at me with the most pathetic face. “I’m sorry. Please don’t punch me in the face again. You won’t tell anyone, will you?”
I sigh. This is your life, River Thomas. “Fine. But you have to do me a favor.”
“Anything.”
I tell him what I want him to say and he looks surprised.
“Are you sure you want that? Why?”
“You’re really not in a position to ask me questions.”
He smiles, and for a moment he almost looks like a good guy. He starts to approach me for a hug, but I put my arms way up to stop him.
“You’re okay, River.”
“I wish I could say the same for you.”
Randy leaves first, and I follow fifteen minutes later, locking the barn doors behind me. When I walk into the cafeteria all eyes are on me. It feels like high school all over again. Randy is sitting with a bunch of guys, whispering something and grinning from ear to ear. I wonder how much damage can be done in fifteen minutes. From the looks I’m getting, the answer is “a lot.”
I sit with the girls. I should be glad that my plan actually worked, but I’m not. I stab at my cold food and sulk. I don’t notice something is wrong until Vilma elbows me. Julie has her head in her arms and is sobbing.
“What’s the matter?” I pat her head.
Vilma and Maddie look at each other. They press their fingers to their lips and thumb in the direction of the counselor table. Hutch is missing. I feel his absence like a hole in my chest. I know where he is without even asking.
Julie sits up. She wipes her snotty tears from her face. She tries to speak, but her sobs shake her too hard.
“Hutch went out on a date tonight,” Fran says. “I heard him telling Simmons. Some nurse he met in Missoula. I bet he won’t be coming home tonight. She picked him up and everything.”
I feel myself start
. Heat flashes across my skin. I press my hands on the table. Don’t cry. You told him to do this. This was your fucking plan in the first place. You are not allowed to get mad.
And I’m not mad.
It’s even worse than I imagined. I’m hurt. I’m hurt because the man I want did exactly as I asked him to. I’m not allowed to feel this way. I’m not allowed to show it.
“Good,” I say, pressing one hand on top of the other. “Maybe he’ll loosen up a little. Isn’t he so uptight?”
“River,” Maddie says, pointing her thumb at Julie.
“Sorry,” I mutter.
“It’s okay,” Julie says. Her shoulders slump towards the ground. Her eyes are red. She looks the way I feel inside. “I never really thought we could be together. I just love him so much, you know?”
I freeze when I hear how easily her proclamation comes out. Here I can barely say the word without flinching.
“Let’s have a happy story,” Maddie says, turning to me. “I heard you blew Randy in the stables. Details please?”
I was wrong. Fifteen minutes. That’s all it took to break a handful of hearts.
Chapter 22
Forty days sober
Helen calls me to her office first thing in the morning. I go through ten thousand scenarios of why she wants to see me. Hutch? No. Randy. Did Taylor say something? Does she think I’m not working hard enough on the party?
“I didn’t go down on Randy last night,” I blurt out as soon as I get through the door.
I realize too late that Hutch, Simmons, and Ransom are also in the office. Helen raises a stern eyebrow. She looks from me to the other counselors in the room. I want to die. I usually have a high threshold for humiliation. Hell, after everything I’ve put my friends through over the course of drunken nights out, I am the queen of morning regret. But here, with Hutch trying to mask the same hurt I feel, I can’t take it.
My plan has spectacularly spiraled out of control. This was my doing. But the awkward faces of the people in front of me are getting to be a little too much.
“Thank you for that, River,” Helen says, “but that’s not the reason I called you here. Although I am happy you’ve resisted Mr. Rider’s charms.”
Life on the Level: On the Verge - Book Three Page 15
