“You don’t know me. You don’t want to. You have to ask yourself right now: how many people are going to have to get hurt because of Taylor?”
She wipes the mascara tears from her eyes. “He’ll hurt me.”
“No, he won’t. We won’t let him.”
“You can’t promise that.”
Julie’s just another lost girl, like Maddie. Like me. The world is full of lost girls like us. There isn’t always someone there for us. But I can be there for Julie, the way I wasn’t for Maddie. I can still make this right. Then I realize not all the evidence is gone. I still have the pill he gave me in my sock drawer. It’s not much, but at least I can take the brunt of the heat away from Hutch.
“Don’t worry. I still have a few tricks up my sleeves.” I hold my hand out, and she stares at it for a little while. “Come on. There’s still a room full of cake and I’m not about to let it get stale.”
That brings a small smile to her face. We sneak into the rec room. The place is deserted. Lots of our decorations aren’t holding up very well. We each eat a slice, and I let her vent about Taylor. How he would bring her presents and flowers. How he knew just what junk food she liked best. How he always knew the right thing to say to her. Sure, she talks about having had a giant crush on Hutch. But when she realized that wasn’t going anywhere, Taylor was there.
“I dated a guy like that once,” I tell her. “He would treat me like crap. I was usually too drunk to care. Most of the time he was nice enough that I thought it made up for it.”
“Until your accident,” she says.
I watch her curiously. “At least you pay attention during group.”
She shrugs. “That’s what you’re supposed to do.”
“There will be someone out there for you that’ll know your worth. Someone who would never hurt you.”
“How can you be so sure?”
Because if I can find Hutch, there must be a little bit of hope for everyone else, too. “I just am.”
• • •
As I walk into my room, I feel a hand grab me. I panic and strike out with my closed fist. It collides with something hard.
“It’s me,” Hutch whispers. “Sorry.”
He cranes his neck down the hall, then we rush into my room and lock the door. “Why didn’t you just wait for me in here?” I ask him, a little more annoyed than I intended.
He shakes his head. “It didn’t feel right after—”
“Telling me I have a criminal’s code.”
He sighs. “I’m sorry. I wish I could take that back, but I can’t. I’m supposed be good at keeping calm and setting things right. You just turn me upside down.”
“I told you. I break everything in my path.”
“That’s not true.”
He sits on my bed and holds out his hand for me to take. I sit on his lap. It’s so easy to sink into the feel of him. He brushes my hair back and rubs my arms for a long time.
“What happened with Ransom?”
“I told him that I wanted to have a meeting with the whole staff and Helen. She’s staying overnight in Missoula with Nick.”
“God, Nick. In all of this I forgot about him. I’m terrible.”
He rubs my back. “I’m going to tell Helen that Taylor is behind all of this.”
“We still have no proof. They can’t search his belongings without reasonable cause,” I say. “He burned all the evidence after Nick OD’d.”
“How do you know?”
“Because,” I say. “I know a lot of criminals. I know guys like Taylor. He’s a narcissist and a sociopath. He’ll throw anyone under the bus. I think we need more people to come forward.”
“Who else was in the barn?”
I shake my head. I don’t think I can tell him that. “I can’t get them in trouble. They’ve worked so hard. Not everyone who went took stuff. I didn’t.”
“This isn’t a position I thought I’d ever be in.”
“I can think of a few positions I want you in.” I kiss his mouth, pushing him back on the bed. We both smell like smoke. We’re both weary. And I’d even go as far as to say we’re both scared about what tomorrow will mean for us.
“River,” he says in that deep voice of his. “God, I can’t even think now. All I want to do is get you naked.”
“I need to shower.”
“I like you this way.”
“A burned cupcake?”
“My burned cupcake.” He pulls down the straps of my tank to have full access to my shoulders. A thrilling sensation starts at my core and twists all the way to my heart.
That reminds me.
My heart.
By the way he takes my nipples into his mouth, he must not be so mad that I didn’t tell him I loved him back. He kicks off his boots while licking his way around my clavicle. I undo the button on his pants. I didn’t think he was serious about not showering, but when he flips me onto the bed I forget about everything except for his face, his body, his everything, pressing against me.
It’s different than the other times we’ve been together. It’s like we both need this comfort for more than just each other. Like we’re both searching for an answer that the other holds.
“River…“ He gets lost in my hair, and I get lost in the feel of his cock inside me. He holds my face in his hands. My small window lets in a hazy bit of moonlight. Every time he looks at me, I feel like he’s looking for something that I don’t know how to give.
But in this moment, I realize I gave it to him a long time ago. I gave it him with every look, every kiss. I gave this man my heart, and I was too slow to realize it.
My daddy used to say that the last thing you should gamble with is your heart. But he was wrong. He spoke after having lost everything to my mother. With Hutch, I have a royal flush.
Hutch slows down, taking his time. With every thrust he explores my deepest depths. Chris Hutcherson is making love to me. Acknowledging it startles me. I gasp, and catch his mouth with mine as I come.
As my breathing slows back down, he stays inside me. I give him a little squeeze that makes him close his eyes and growl into my neck. I thread my fingers through his hair.
“What?” he asks.
“I just—” I take a deep breath. “I love you, is all.”
I want to memorize his moonlit smile. “Caught on, have you?”
I roll my eyes. “You’re ruining a perfectly good moment.”
“I could never have a bad moment with you, River Thomas. I love you.”
“I’m only going to say it the one time,” I say playfully.
He nips at my neck. He pumps into me again, holding me like he’ll never let go. He gasps, pulling out just as he finishes.
We switch. He takes up most of my bed anyway. We clean up a little, then he pulls me into a tight embrace.
“What was that thing you said before?” he asks.
“I love you.”
“See, you can say it.”
“You’re impossible.”
“And you’re perfect.”
I laugh, too loud, then bury my face into his shoulder.
“Everything’s going to change tomorrow, isn’t it?” I ask.
“I’ll take care of everything.”
“That’s the same thing that I told Julie.”
“We got a little bit derailed.” He squeezes me a bit.
“I hope she helps us. If you’re there, she will. Vilma might help. Are you sure the others won’t get in trouble?”
“I’ll talk to Ransom. As soon as Taylor throws us under the bus, I don’t think my word will count for anything.”
I bite my lip, almost too nervous to tell him what I’m about to. “Not all our evidence is destroyed. I—I have a pill.”
“What?”
“I have a perc. In my sock drawer. I was going to stockpile evidence against him, but then things got a little messed up.”
He traces my face with his sure, strong fingers. “I’m proud of you, River.”
“Most people I’ve met here would’ve swallowed that pill a long time ago.”
I lean forward and bite his bottom lip. “If you want to give me something else to swallow, I wouldn’t say no.”
He squeezes me, and growls against my skin. “God, what are you doing to me?”
“I’m pretty sure I’ve ruined you for other women.”
“I’m pretty sure there will never be another woman. You’re it for me, River.”
We’re both so tired from the day, and from rolling around in bed, that I don’t even remember falling asleep. I dream of riding a horse across a grassy hillside. I dream of Hutch telling me he loves me. Then my dream shifts, and the color drains from it. I’m at a poker table with my dad, only he’s not my dad. He’s the man from the barn. When I look down at my cards, they’re all blank. Someone’s shouting my name. I fold. Someone flips the table over. There’s glass and more shouting.
I open my eyes, groggy. “What time is it?”
“River,” Hutch says, scrambling to his feet just as someone else clears their throat.
“It’s time for you to go,” Helen says.
I feel like I’ve been kicked in the gut. My body flushes with shame. She’s not alone.
Chapter 36
Ransom and Nurse Jean stand behind a sleep-deprived and pissed-off Helen. The worst part is the disappointment on all of their faces. They look down at the ground as Hutch and I scramble to get dressed. Our clothes are scattered all over the floor, and the room most definitely still smells like sex.
There is nothing we can say or do at this point that will come off in a positive light. Hutch walks past them and across the hall, where I can hear drawers opening and closing. Even though he was prepared to lose his job, this isn’t the way he wanted it to go down.
“My office,” Helen says, then storms out.
“Ransom—”
He holds up his hand. “What were you two thinking? After everything that’s been happening here…”
“We met before,” I tell him. “Before I came here. I didn’t know he worked here and he didn’t know I was going to be a patient. We didn’t know.”
Something dawns on him. “You’re the mystery girl that left him high and dry two months ago.”
I smile weakly. “That’s me. I love him, Ransom. I don’t think he should get fired. I’ll leave. I’ll go somewhere else.”
“It’s not that simple,” he says. “There’s been an accusation.”
I furrow my brow. “What do you mean?”
“Julie Bellows has come forward to say that she and Hutch have been having a relationship.”
“Julie.” I clench my teeth. “She’s lying. Taylor’s making her lie!”
“Calm down, River.”
“You tell me some little bitch accuses my boyfriend—”
“Boyfriend?” Ransom asks. “I didn’t think it was possible for me to be more disappointed in Hutch. He knows that you shouldn’t be involving yourself this way. Addiction isn’t just something you forget about after sleeping together. It’s a sickness.”
I run my hands through my hair and pull. This isn’t happening.
“If you’re going to lecture someone,” Hutch says, now standing at the door, “then go ahead and lecture me all you want.” He’s got a large knapsack and his winter coat. “You’re right, I knew better. I’m the one who should’ve exercised more control.”
“Don’t talk to about me like I’m some textbook case, both of you.”
“Let’s go,” Hutch says. All the emotion and life has gone out of his voice. “Helen’s waiting for us.”
• • •
Helen watches us from her desk. Ransom takes a seat off to the side, twiddling his thumbs. Simmons cracks his knuckles, and for a long time that’s the only sound we hear. That and the squeak of sneakers outside in the hall, where dozens of patients are waiting. News of Hutch and me has spread faster than wildfire.
“Helen—” I start.
She puts her finger up to silence me. Instead of looking at me, she turns to Hutch.
“What were you thinking?”
Hutch looks down at his lap. I wonder what it feels like, having his whole life unravel at the seams.
“I wasn’t. I love her.”
I cut him off. “You don’t understand, Helen. We met before here.” I explain our circumstances, as if that’s going to restore our credibility in any way.
“Not only is that irrelevant,” Helen says, “even if I believed you, Julie Bellows claims Hutch has been having relations with her as well. That he comes to visit her in the night. That he brings her gifts. She even said another camper caught the two of them in the woods. When he was questioned, he described you in the act after skinny dipping.”
“Wait a minute,” Hutch starts. “River is my only—my only instance. I have never, ever, so much as flirted with another patient.”
“You have to understand why it’s hard to believe you now,” Ransom says.
Hutch nods.
“Hutch wasn’t with Julie during the camping trip,” Simmons says. “I knew about their relationship. I’m at fault as well. I’m positive Julie was back at the camp with us after everyone… after the… skinny dipping incident. She never left. I can vouch that, at the very least, that part of Julie’s story is a lie.”
Helen sighs. She massages the bridge of her nose. When she looks back up, her steel eyes settle on Simmons. “You knew about this?”
Simmons nods.
“I’ll deal with you later.”
I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to thank Simmons enough. Hutch reaches out and squeezes my hand. Then he realizes the whole room is watching, and withdraws it.
“Look,” I say. “I know the circumstances are wrong, and I’m not saying that I should be the exception. What we’ve been doing is wrong on many levels. I came here to deal with my addiction, and we tried to stay away from each other. I just couldn’t. I found a man who makes me feel like I matter.”
I stop to think. Isn’t that what Julie said Taylor made her feel? Maddie said the same. But Hutch isn’t Taylor, and I’m not like them.
“I love him. We had a consensual relationship before I checked into this place, and no one can take it away from us.”
“Hutch?” Helen asks.
I feel like we’re in court giving our closing arguments.
“I’m prepared to face the consequences. I was going to resign today, and tell you everything.” He brings out a letter from his duffle bag. “Let River stay and finish her program. I know I shouldn’t ask for favors, but you know how important it is.”
Helen takes the envelope from Hutch’s hands and sets it on her desk. “Anything else?”
I stand. “Yes. Taylor’s the reason Nick overdosed. Taylor set fire to the barn. He’s been running his own private black market there.”
Helen looks as if she just might have a heart attack. “That’s a serious accusation.”
“I was there. So were Nick, Maddie, and Fran. Julie’s been there, too, though I didn’t see her the one time I was there.”
Hutch shakes his head at me. “Taylor’s your guy for everything that’s been happening here. Come on Helen, you know me. You know I don’t just do things like this.”
“I have proof,” I say.
“River—let them investigate.”
Helen stands, her chair scraping against the wooden floor. “Chris, you need to leave. I’ll take into consideration everything you’ve said, but right now, the best thing you can do is go.”
“No,” I say.
“River, it’s fine.”
It’s not fine. I grab his hand, but he pulls himself free from me. I feel ready to break down. I hate the way he’s giving up so easily. I hate that I don’t know when the next time I’ll see him will be. He’s just gone, out of her office and away.
“You have to get rid of Taylor,” I tell Helen. I slam my
fist on her desk, which I know doesn’t help my case.
Ransom walks over to me and makes me focus. “What did we talk about?”
I concentrate on breathing. “Hippie anger things.”
He shakes his head and tries not to smile.
“Please,” I beg her. “He gave me a pill. At the barn. I put it in my sock drawer to save for when I collected more evidence.”
“Ransom,” Helen says. “Go look.”
We’re quiet for a long time. I slump down on my seat.
“It’s really not fair that I’m here getting the third degree for sleeping with my boyfriend while Taylor, who framed Randy and gave drugs to this whole stupid county, is just walking around freely.”
“You haven’t exactly made this situation easy for me,” Helen says. She opens Hutch’s resignation letter and a deep frown forms on her face.
“What?” I look at the clock. What’s taking Ransom so long to find a stupid sock?
She puts it in a drawer. “I understand the reasons you kept it quiet. I do. I was young once, even if you don’t want to believe it. I guess I expected better from him, and from you.”
“You’re a shrink, right?”
She smiles begrudgingly. “Why?”
“So shrink this. When I came here, I hated everything, right?”
“Right.”
“Hutch switched me to Ransom because we both agreed we needed to be professional. Only it couldn’t stay that way. When I met Hutch, I didn’t even know his name. I saw this big sexy man, and I had to have him. It was more than a drunken impulse. It was a need. It was like everything in the universe was pushing me toward him. When I left, I still thought about him, but I resigned myself to the fact that I’d never see him again. Except, I did. And then I was with Ransom as my counselor. You gave us the opportunity to go back and we didn’t. Helen, I love that man. And if that’s wrong, then that means I’ve been doing the right thing my whole life, and we both know that’s not true.”
Life on the Level: On the Verge - Book Three Page 25
