A Life's Morning

by George Gissing

‘You won’t? Oh, I am sorry.’

  ‘Why are you sorry, indistinguishable little maiden?’ he asked, drawing out one of her curls between his fingers, and letting it spring back again into its circling beauty.

  ‘We thought it would be so nice, we four at lunch.’

  ‘I am warned to avoid you. The tone of conversation would try my weak head; I am not capable yet of intellectual effort.’

  The little girl looked at him with puzzled eyes.

  ‘Well, it can’t be helped,’ she said. ‘I must go back to my lessons.’

  She ran off, and Wilfrid went up to his dressing-room. When he came down, Oberon was pawing the gravel before the door. He mounted and rode away.

  His spirits, which at first seemed to suffer some depression, took vigour once more from the air of the downs. He put Oberon at a leap or two, then let the breeze sing in his ears as he was borne at a gallop over the summer land, golden with sunlight. In spite of his still worn look, health was manifest in the upright vigour of his form, and in his eyes gleamed the untroubled joy of existence. Hope just now was strong within him, a hope defined and pointing to an end attainable; he knew that henceforth the many bounding and voiceful streams of his life would unite in one strong flow onward to a region of orient glory which shone before him as the bourne hitherto but dimly imagined. On, Oberon, on! No speed that would not lag behind the fore-flight of a heart’s desire. Let the stretch of green-shadowing woodland sweep by like a dream; let the fair, sweet meadow-sides smile for a moment and vanish; let the dark hill-summits rise and sink. It is the time of youth and hope, of boundless faith in the world’s promises, of breathless pursuit.

  Hilstead was gained long before lunch could be thought of. Wilfrid rode on, and circled back towards the hostelry famous for chops about the hour of noon. He put up his horse, and strayed about the village till his meal was ready; after he had eaten it he smoked a cigar among hollyhocks and sunflowers. Then impatience possessed him. He looked at his watch several times, annoyed to find that so little of the day was spent. When he at last set forth again, it was to ride at walking pace in the direction of home. He reached a junction of roads, and waited there for several minutes, unable to decide upon his course. He ended by throwing the reins on Oberon’s neck.

  ‘Go which way you will,’ he said aloud.

  Oberon paced forward to the homeward route.

  ‘So be it. On, then! An hour will bring us to The Firs.’

  The house was all but reached, when Wilfrid caught a glimpse of a straw hat moving into a heath-clad hollow a hundred yards from the road. He pressed on. At the gate stood a gardener.

  ‘James,’ he cried, leaping down, ‘take the horse to the stable, will you?’

  And, instead of going up to the house, he walked back in the direction he had come till he reached the hollow in which the straw hat had disappeared. Miss Hood sat on the ground, reading. She was about to rise, but Wilfrid begged her not to move, and threw himself into a reclining posture.

  ‘I saw you as I rode past,’ he said, in a friendly way. ‘I suppose the twins are straying?’

  ‘They are at Greenhaws,’ was the reply, ‘Mrs. Winter called for them immediately after lunch. She will bring them back early in the evening.’

  ‘Ah!’

  He plucked sprigs of heather. Miss Hood turned to her book.

  ‘I’ve had a magnificent ride,’ Wilfrid began again. ‘Surely there is no country in England so glorious as this. Don’t you enjoy it?’

  ‘Very much.’

  ‘I have never seen the Yorkshire moors. The scenery, of course, is of a much wilder kind?’

  ‘I have not seen them myself,’ said the governess.

  ‘I thought you might have taken your holidays sometimes in that direction.’

  ‘No. We used to go to a seaside place in Lincolnshire called Cleethorpes. I suppose you never heard of it?’

  ‘I think not.’

  Wilfrid continued to pluck heather, and let his eyes catch a glimpse of her face now and then. Miss Hood was a year younger than himself, and had well outgrown girlishness. She was of very slight build, looked indeed rather frail; but her face, though lacking colour, had the firmness of health. It was very broad at the forehead, and tapered down into narrowness; the eyes seemed set at an unusual distance from each other, though the nose was thin and of perfect form, its profile making but a slight angle away from the line of the brows. Her lips were large, but finely curved; the chin was prominent, the throat long. She had warm brown hair.

  Few would at first sight have called her face beautiful, but none could deny the beauty of her hands. Ungloved at present, they lay on the open pages of the book, unsurpassable for delicate loveliness. When he did not venture to look higher, Wilfrid let his eyes feed on the turn of the wrist, the faint blue lines and sinuous muscles, the pencilling about the finger-joints, the delicate white and pink nails.

  Miss Hood was habitually silent when in the company of others than the children. When she replied to a question it was without timidity, but in few, well-chosen words. Yet her manner did not lack cheerfulness; she impressed no one as being unhappy, and alone with the twins she was often gay enough. She was self-possessed, and had the manners of a lady, though in her position this was rather to be observed in what she refrained from doing than in what she did. Wilfrid had, on first meeting her, remarked to himself that it must imply a Certain force of individuality to vary so distinctly from the commonplace even under the disadvantage of complete self-suppression; he had now come to understand better the way in which that individuality betrayed itself.

  ‘Shall you go to Cleethorpes this year?’ was his next question.

  ‘I think not. I shall most likely pass the holidays at home.’

  ‘And study electricity?’

  In a former conversation she had surprised him by some unexpected knowledge of the principles of electricity, and explained the acquirement by telling him that this subject was her father’s favourite study. Wilfrid put the question now with a smile.

  ‘Yes, very likely,’ she replied, smiling also, but faintly. ‘It gives my father pleasure when I do so.’

  ‘You have not a keen interest in the subject yourself?’

  ‘I try to have.’

  Her voice was of singular quality; if she raised it the effect was not agreeable, owing possibly to its lack of strength, but in low tones, such as she employed at present, it fell on the ear with a peculiar sweetness, a natural melody in its modulation.

  ‘The way in which you speak of your father interests me,’ said Wilfrid, leaning his chin upon his hand, and gazing at her freely. ‘You seem so united with him in sympathy.’

  She did not turn her eyes to him, but her face gathered brightness.

  ‘In sympathy, yes,’ she replied, speaking now with more readiness. ‘Our tastes often differ, but we are always at one in feeling. We have been companions ever since I can remember.’

  ‘Is your mother living?’

  ‘Yes.’

  Something in the tone of the brief affirmative kept Wilfrid from further questioning.

  ‘I wonder,’ he said, ‘what you think of the relations existing between myself and my father. We are excellent friends, don’t you think? Strange—one doesn’t think much about such things till some occasion brings them forward. Whether there is deep sympathy between us, I couldn’t say. Certainly there are many subjects on which I should not dream of speaking to him unless necessity arose; partly, I suppose, that is male reserve, and partly English reserve. If novels are to be trusted, French parents and children speak together with much more freedom; on the whole that must be better.’

  She made no remark.

  ‘My father,’ he continued, ‘is eminently a man of sense if I reflect on my boyhood, I see how admirable his treatment of me has always been. I fancy I must have been at one time rather hard to manage; I know I was very passionate and stubbornly self-willed. Yet he neither let me have my own way nor angered me by his o
pposition. In fact, he made me respect him. Now that we stand on equal terms, I dare say he has something of the same feeling towards myself. And So it comes that we are excellent friends.’

  She listened with a scarcely perceptible smile.

  ‘Perhaps this seems to you a curiously dispassionate way of treating such a subject,’ Wilfrid added, with a laugh. ‘It illustrates what I meant in saying I doubted whether there was deep sympathy between us. Your own feeling for your father is clearly one of devotedness. You would think no sacrifice of your own wishes too great if he asked it of you.’

  ‘I cannot imagine any sacrifice, which my father could ask, that I should refuse.’

  She spoke with some difficulty, as if she wished to escape the subject.

  ‘Perhaps that is a virtue that your sex helps to explain,’ said Wilfrid, musingly.

  ‘You do not know,’ he added, when a bee had hummed between them for half a minute, ‘how constant my regret is that my mother did not live till I was old enough to make a friend of her. You know that she was an Italian? There was a sympathy taken out of my life. I believe I have more of the Italian nature than the English, and I know my mother’s presence would be priceless to me now that I could talk with her. What unsatisfactory creatures we are as children, so imperfect, so deficient! It is worse with boys than with girls. Compare, for instance, the twine with boys often. What coarse, awkward, unruly lumps of boisterousness youngsters mostly are at that age! I dislike boys, and more than ever when I remember myself at that stage. What an insensible, ungrateful, brainless, and heartless brat I was!’

  ‘You must be wrong in one respect,’ she returned, watching a large butterfly. ‘You could not have been brainless.’

  ‘Oh, the foundation of tolerable wits was there, no doubt; but it is just that undeveloped state that irritates me. Suppose I were now ten years old, and that glorious butterfly before me; should I not leap at it and stick a pin through it—young savage? Precisely what a Hottentot boy would do, except that he would be free from the apish folly of pretending a scientific interest, not really existing. I rejoice to have lived out of my boyhood; I would not go through it again for anything short of a thousand years of subsequent maturity.’

  She just glanced at him, a light of laughter in her eyes. She was abandoning herself to the pleasure of hearing him speak.

  ‘That picture of my mother,’ he pursued, dropping his voice again, ‘does not do her justice. Even at twelve years old—(she died when I was twelve)—I could not help seeing and knowing how beautiful she was. I have thought of her of late more than I ever did; sometimes I suffer a passion of grief that one so beautiful and lovable has gone and left a mere dumb picture. I suppose even my memory of her will grow fainter and fainter, founded as it is on imperfect understanding, dim appreciation. She used to read Italian to me—first the Italian, then the English—and I thought it, as often as not, a bore to have to listen to her! Thank Heaven, I have the book she used, and can now go over the pieces, and try to recall her voice.’

  The butterfly was gone, but the bee still hummed about them. The hot afternoon air was unstirred by any breeze.

  ‘How glad I am,’ Wilfrid exclaimed when he had brooded for a few moments, ‘that I happened to see you as I rode past! I should have wandered restlessly about the house in vain, seeking for some one to talk to. And you listen so patiently. It is pleasant to be here and talk so freely of things I have always had to keep in my own mind. Look, do look at that bastion of cloud over the sycamore! What glorious gradation of tints! What a snowy crown!’

  ‘That is a pretty spray,’ he added, holding to her one that he had plucked.

  She looked at it; then, as he still held It out, took it from him. The exquisite fingers touched his own redder and coarser ones.

  ‘Have you friends in Dunfield?’ he asked.

  ‘Friends?’

  ‘Any real friend, I mean—any girl who gives you real companionship?’

  ‘Scarcely that.’

  ‘How shall you spend your time when you are not deep in electrics? What do you mean to read these holidays?’

  ‘Chiefly German, I think. I have only just begun to read it.’

  ‘And I can’t read it at all. Now and then I make a shot at the meaning of a note in a German edition of some classical author, every time fretting at my ignorance. But there is so endlessly much to do, and a day is so short.’

  ‘Isn’t it hateful,’ he broke forth, ‘this enforced idleness of mine? To think that weeks and weeks go by and I remain just where I was, when the loss of an hour used to seem to me an irreparable misfortune. I have such an appetite for knowledge, surely the unhappiest gift a man can be endowed with it leads to nothing but frustration. Perhaps the appetite weakens as one grows in years; perhaps the sphere of one’s keener interests contracts; I hope it may be so. At times I cannot work—I mean, I could not—for a sense of the vastness of the field before me. I should like you to see my rooms at Balliol. Shelves have long since refused to take another volume; floor, tables, chairs, every spot is heaped. And there they lie; hosts I have scarcely looked into, many I shall never have time to take up to the end of my days.’

  ‘You have the satisfaction of being able to give your whole time to study.’

  ‘There is precisely the source of dissatisfaction My whole time, and that wholly insufficient. I have a friend, a man I envy intensely; he has taken up the subject of Celtic literature; gives himself to it with single-heartedness, cares for nothing that does not connect itself therewith; will pursue it throughout his life; will know more of it than any man living. My despair is the universality of my interests. I can think of no branch of study to which I could not surrender myself with enthusiasm; of course I shall never master one. My subject is the history of humanity; I would know everything that man has done or thought or felt. I cannot separate lines of study. Philology is a passion with me, but how shall I part the history of speech from the history of thought? The etymology of any single word will hold me for hours; to follow it up I must traverse centuries of human culture. They tell me I have a faculty for philosophy, in the narrow sense of the word; alas! that narrow sense implies an exhaustive knowledge of speculation in the past and of every result of science born in our own time Think of the sunny spaces in the world’s history, in each of which one could linger for ever I Athens at her fairest, Borne at her grandest, the glorious savagery of Merovingian courts, the kingdom of Frederick II., the Moors in Spain, the magic of Renaissance Italy—to become a citizen of any one age means a lifetime of endeavour. It is easy to fill one’s head with names and years, but that only sharpens my hunger. Then there is the world of art; I would know every subtlest melody of verse in every tongue, enjoy with perfectly instructed taste every form that man has carved or painted. I fear to enter museums and galleries; I am distracted by the numberless desires that seize upon me, depressed by the hopelessness of satisfying them. I cannot even enjoy music from the mere feeling that I do not enjoy it enough, that I have not had time to study it, that I shall never get at its secret…. And when is one to live? I cannot lose myself in other men’s activity and enjoyments. I must have a life of my own, outside the walls of a library. It would be easy to give up all ambition of knowledge, to forget all the joy and sorrow that has been and passed into nothingness; to know only the eternity of a present hour. Might one not learn more in one instant of unreflecting happiness than by toiling on to a mummied age, only to know in the end the despair of never having lived?’

  He again raised his eyes to her face. It was fixed in a cold, absent gaze; her lips hardened into severity, the pose of her head impressive, noble. Athel regarded her for several moments; she was revealing to him more of her inner self than he had yet divined.

  ‘What are your thoughts?’ he asked quietly.

  She smiled, recovering her wonted passiveness.

  ‘Have you not often much the same troubles?’

  ‘They arc only for the mind which is strong enough
to meet and overcome them,’ she replied.

  ‘But look, my mind has given way already! I am imbecile. For ever I shall be on the point of a break-down, and each successive one will bring me nearer to some final catastrophe—perhaps the lunatic asylum—who knows?’

  ‘I should think,’ she said gravely, ‘that you suggested a truth. Very likely your mind will contract its range and cease to aim at the impossible.’

  ‘But tell me, have you not yourself already attained that wisdom? Why should you make pretences of feebleness which does not mark you? You have a mind as active as my own; I know that perfectly well. What is your secret of contentment? Won’t you help me in this miserable plight?’

  ‘No, Mr. Athel, I have none but very ordinary powers of mind, and perhaps it is my recognition of that which keeps me contented. There is indeed one principle of guidance which I have worked out for myself—’

  ‘Ah! And that?’

  ‘It will not enlighten you, for it is only the choice of a natural and easy course, seeing that difficult ones are closed. The literature of learning is out of my reach, so I limit myself to the literature of beauty, and in this I try to keep to the best.’

  ‘You are right, you are right! To know the masterpieces of literature, pure literature, poetry in its widest sense; that is the wise choice. Think; we feed ourselves with the secondhand wisdom of paltry philosophisers and critics, and Shakespeare waits outside the door with the bread of life. From Homer—Alas! you do not read Greek?’

  She shook her head.

  ‘And you work at German! In Heaven’s name change your language forthwith! Why should you not know Greek? You must know Greek! I will give you books, I will advise you, show you the essentials to begin with. There are still a few days before you go into Yorkshire; you can work during the holidays on lines I shall set you; you can write and tell me your—’

  He paused, for her face had lost its smile, and wore again that coldly respectful look which she seldom put off save in her privacy with the children. For the last quarter of an hour he had marked in her quite another aspect; the secret meanings of her face had half uttered themselves in eye and lip. His last words seemed to recall her to the world of fact. She made a slight movement and closed the book on her lap.