A Life's Morning

by George Gissing

  ‘Let him dom me, if he loikes,’ she went away exclaiming; ‘ah’m ovver auld to care much abaht such fond tantrums; but when he gets agaate o’ dommin his awn barn, it fair maaks my teeth dither ageean. The lad’s aht on his ‘eead.’

  That was seven o’clock in the evening. He dined an hour later, and when it was dark left the house. Between then and midnight he was constantly in and out, and Mrs. Jenkins, who was kept up by her fears that ‘t’ master’ was seriously unwell, made at length another attempt to face him. She knocked at the door of the sitting-room, having heard him enter a minute or two before; no answer was vouchsafed, so she made bold to open the door. Dagworthy was sitting with his head upon the table, his arms stretched out; he appeared to be asleep.

  ‘Mr. Richard!’ she said softly. ‘Mr. Richard!’

  He looked up. ‘Well? What is it?’

  ‘Yo’ scahr’d me; ah thowt summat ‘ad come to yo’. What’s wrong wi’ yo’, Mr. Richard? You look as if you could hardly he’d your heead up.’

  To her surprise he spoke quite calmly.

  ‘Yes, I’ve got a bit of a headache. Get me some hot water, will you? I’ll have some brandy and go to bed.’

  She began to advise other remedies, but Dagworthy speedily checked her.

  ‘Get me some hot water, I tell you, and go to bed yourself. What are you doing up at this hour?’

  He went to business at the usual time next morning, and it seemed as if the worst had blown over; at home he was sullen, but not violent.

  The third day after his return, on entering his office at the mill, he found Hood taking down one of a row of old ledgers which stood there upon a shelf.

  ‘What are you doing?’ he asked abruptly, at the same time turning his back upon the clerk.

  Hood explained that he was under the necessity of searching through the accounts for several years, to throw light upon a certain transaction which was giving trouble.

  ‘All right,’ was the reply, as Dagworthy took his keys out to open his desk.

  A quarter of an hour later, he entered the room where Hood was busy over the ledger. A second clerk was seated there, and him Dagworthy summoned to the office, where he had need of him. Presently Hood came to replace the ledger he had examined, and took away the succeeding volume. A few minutes later Dagworthy said to the clerk who sat with him—

  ‘I shall have to go away for an hour or so. I’m expecting a telegram from Legge Brothers; if it doesn’t come before twelve o’clock, you or Hood must go to Hebsworth. It had better be Hood; you finish what you’re at. If there’s no telegram, he must take the twelve-thirteen, and give this note here to Mr. Andrew Legge; there’ll be an answer. Mind you see to this.’

  At the moment when Dagworthy’s tread sounded on the stairs, Mr. Hood was on the point of making a singular discovery. In turning a page of the ledger, he came upon an envelope, old and yellow, which had evidently been shut up in the hook for several years; it was without address and unsealed. He was going to lay it aside, when his fingers told him that it contained something; the enclosure proved to be a ten-pound note, also old and patched together in the manner of notes that have been sent half at a time.

  ‘Now I wonder how that got left there?’ Hood mused. ‘There’s been rare searching for that, I’ll be bound. Here’s something to put our friend into a better temper.’

  He turned the note over once or twice, tried in vain to decipher a scribbled endorsement, then restored it to the envelope. With the letter in his hand, he went to the office.

  ‘Mr. Dagworthy out?’ he asked of his fellow-clerk on looking round.

  The clerk was a facetious youth. He rose from his seat, seized a ruler, and began a species of sword-play about Hood’s head, keeping up a grotesque dance the while. Hood bore it with his wonted patience, smiling faintly.

  ‘Mr. Dagworthy out?’ he repeated, as soon as he was free from apprehension of a chance crack on the crown.

  ‘He is, my boy. And what’s more, there’s a chance of your having a spree in Hebsworth. Go down on your knees and pray that no telegram from Foot Brothers—I mean, Legge—arrives during the next five-and-twenty minutes.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘If not, you’re to takee this notee to Brother Andrew Leggee,—comprenez? The boss was going to send me, but he altered his mind, worse luck.’

  ‘Twelve-thirteen?’ asked Hood.

  ‘Yes. And now if you’re in the mind, I’ll box you for half a dollar—what say?’

  He squared himself in pugilistic attitude, and found amusement in delivering terrific blows which just stopped short of Hood’s prominent features. The latter beat a retreat.

  Twelve o’clock struck, and no telegram had arrived; neither had Dagworthy returned to the mill. Hood was indisposed to leave the envelope to be given by other hands; he might as well have the advantage of such pleasure as the discovery would no doubt excite. So he put it safely in his pocket-book, and hastened to catch the train, taking with him the paper of sandwiches which represented his dinner. These he would eat on the way to Hebsworth.

  It was a journey of ten miles, lying at first over green fields, with a colliery vomiting blackness here and there, then through a region of blight and squalor, finally over acres of smoke-fouled streets, amid the roar of machinery; a journey that would have crushed the heart in one fresh from the breath of heaven on sunny pastures. It was a slow train, and there were half a dozen stoppages. Hood began to eat his sandwiches at a point where the train was delayed for a few minutes by an adverse signal; a coal-pit was close by, and the smoke from the chimney blew in at the carriage windows, giving a special flavour to the bread and meat. There was a drunken soldier in the same compartment, who was being baited by a couple of cattle-drovers with racy vernacular not to be rendered by the pen. Hood munched his smoky sandwich, and with his sad eyes watched the great wheel of the colliery revolve, and the trucks rise and descend. The train moved on again. The banter between the other three passengers was taking an angry turn; to escape the foul language as far as possible, Hood kept his head at the window. Of a sudden the drunken soldier was pushed against him, and before he could raise his hands, his hat had flown off on the breeze.

  He turned round with angry remonstrance. The soldier had fallen back on to the seat, and was grinning inanely; the drovers were enjoying the joke beyond measure.

  ‘Theer, lad!’ one of them cried. ‘Tha’s doon it nah! Tha’ll a’ to buy him a new ‘at for his ‘eead, soon as we get i’to Hebs’orth.’

  ”Appen he’s got no brass,’ suggested the other, guffawing.

  It was the case; the soldier had a copper or two at most. The drovers of course held themselves free of responsibility. Hood felt in his own pocket; but he was well aware that a shilling and three-halfpence was all he carried with him—save the bank-note in his pocket-book. Yet it was impossible to go through Hebsworth with uncovered head, or to present himself hatless at the office of Legge Brothers. Already the train was slackening speed to enter the station. Would any hatter trust him, on his representing whence he came? He feared not. Not the least part of his trouble was the thought of having to buy a new hat at all; such an expense was ill to be borne just now. Of course—he said to himself, with dreary fatalism—a mishap is sure to come at the worst time. It was the experience of his life.

  Hood was a shy man; it was misery to have attention drawn to himself as it naturally would be as soon as he stepped out on to the platform. But there was no help; with a last angry look at the drunken soldier, he nerved himself to face the ordeal. As he walked hurriedly out of the crowd, the cry ‘Cab, sir?’ fell upon his ears. Impossible to say how he brought himself to such a pitch of recklessness, but in a moment he was seated in a hansom, having bidden the driver take him to the nearest hatter’s. The agony of embarrassment has driven shy men to strange audacities, but who ever dared more than this? He would be compelled to change the note!

  Whatever might be the cause, whether it was the sudden sense of ref
uge from observation, or the long unknown pleasure of riding in a cab, as he sped along the streets he grew almost merry; at length he positively laughed at the adventure which had befallen him. It mattered nothing whether he gave Dagworthy the money in a note or in change, and, on being told the story, his employer might even feel disposed to pay for the hat. He would pay for the hat! By the time the cab drew up, Hood had convinced himself of this. He was in better spirits than he had been for many a day.

  ‘Can you change me a ten-pound note?’ were his first words to the hatter. ‘If you can’t, I must go elsewhere; I have nothing smaller.’

  The salesman hesitated.

  ‘You want a silk hat?’

  ‘Yes, but not an expensive one.’

  A pen was brought, and Hood was requested to endorse the note. What security—under the circumstances—such a proceeding could give, the hatter best knew; he appeared satisfied, and counted out his sovereigns. Hood paid the cabman, and walked off briskly towards the office of Legge Brothers.

  He stopped in the middle of the pavement as if a shot had struck him. Supposing Dagworthy had no recollection of a ten-pound note having been lost, nor of any note having been lost; and supposing it occurred to him that he, Hood, had in reality found a larger sum, had invented the story of the lost hat, and was returning a portion only of his discovery, to gain the credit of honesty? Such an idea could only possess the brain of a man whose life had been a struggle amid the chicaneries and despicabilities of commerce; who knew that a man’s word was never trusted where there could enter the slightest suspicion of an advantage to himself in lying; whose daily terror had been lest some error, some luckless chance, should put him within the nets of criminality. It is the deepest curse of such a life as his that it directs the imagination in channels of meanness, and preoccupies the thought with sordid fears. What would it avail him, in the present instance, to call the shopman to witness? The note, ten to one, would be paid away, and here also a man’s word was worth nothing. But Dagworthy might merely think such an accusation: ay, that would be the worst. To lie henceforth under suspicion of dishonesty: that meant, to lose his place before long, on some pretence.

  And he felt that, in spite of absolute sincerity, he could not stand before Dagworthy and tell his tale with the face and voice of an honest man,—felt it with a horrible certainty. In a man of Hood’s character, this state of mind was perfectly natural. Not only was he weakly constructed, but his incessant ill-fortune had done him that last wrong which social hardship can inflict upon the individual, it, had undermined his self-respect. Having been so often treated like a dog, he had come to expect such treatment, and, what was worse, but feebly to resent it. He had lost the conscious dignity of manhood; nay, had perhaps never possessed it, for his battle had begun at so early an age. The sense that he was wretchedly poor, and the knowledge that poverty is the mother of degradation, made him at any moment a self-convicted criminal; accused, however wrongly, it was inevitable that his face should be against him. To go to Dagworthy with sovereigns in his hand, and this story upon his lips, would be to invite suspicion by every strongest sign of guilt.

  I am representing the poor fellow’s thoughts and feelings. Whether or not Dagworthy would really entertain such a suspicion is quite another matter. For the first time in his life, Hood had used for his own purposes money which did not belong to him; he did it under the pressure of circumstances, and had not time to reflect till the act was irrevocable. Then this horror came upon him. Forgetting his errand, he drew aside into a quieter street, and struggled with his anguish. Do you laugh at him for his imbecility? Try first to understand him.

  But his business must be performed; with trembling limbs he hurried onwards, and at length reached the office of Legge Brothers. The member of the firm to whom the note which he bore was addressed had but a few minutes ago left the place; he would return within an hour. How could the time be spent? He began to wander aimlessly about the streets. In passing a spot where scaffolding was erected before new buildings, the wish entered his mind that something might fall and crush him. He thought of such an end as a blessed relief.

  A hand was laid upon his shoulder, and at the touch his heart leaped as though it would burst his side. He turned and, with starting eyes, glared at the man before him, a perfect stranger, he thought.

  ‘Is it? Or isn’t it? Hood, or his ghost?’

  The man who spoke was of the shabbiest appearance, wearing an almost napless high hat, a coloured linen shirt which should have been at the laundress’s, no neck-tie, a frock-coat with only one button, low shoes terribly down at heel; for all that, the most jovial-looking man, red-nosed, laughing. At length Hood was capable of recognising him.

  ‘Cheeseman! Well, who on earth would have expected to meet you!’

  ‘I’ve followed you half along the street; couldn’t be sure. Afraid I startled you at last, old friend.’

  They had known each other as young men, and it was now ten years at least since they had met. They were companions in ill-hap, the difference between them being that Cheeseman bore the buffets of the world with imperturbable good humour; but then he had neither wife nor child, kith nor kin. He had tried his luck in all parts of England and in several other countries; casual wards had known him, and he had gained a supper by fiddling in the streets. Many a beginning had he made, but none led to anything; he seemed, in truth, to enjoy a haphazard existence. If Cheeseman had possessed literary skill, the story of his life from his own hand would have been invaluable; it is a misfortune that the men who are richest in ‘material’ are those who would never dream of using it.

  They were passing a public-house; Cheeseman caught his friend by the arm and, in spite of resistance, drew him in.

  ‘Two threes of gin hot,’ was his order. ‘The old drink, Hood, my boy; the drink that has saved me from despair a thousand times. How many times have you and I kept up each other’s pecker over a three of gin! You don’t look well; you’ve wanted old Cheeseman to cheer you up. Things bad? Why, damn it, of course things are bad; when were they anything else with you and me, eh? Your wife, how is she? Remember me to her, will you? She never took to me, but never mind that. And the little girl? How’s the little girl? Alive and well, please God?’

  ‘Rather more than a little girl now,’ returned Hood. ‘And doing well, I’m glad to say. She’s a governess; has an excellent place in London.’

  ‘You don’t say so? I never was so glad to hear anything in my life! Ah, but Hood, you’re leaving me behind, old friend; with the little girl doing so well you can’t call yourself a poor devil; you can’t, upon my soul! I ought to have married; yes, I should ha’ married long ago; it ‘ud a’ been the making of me. It’s the sole speculation, I do believe, that I haven’t tried. Ah, but I’ve got something before me now! What say you to a patent fire-escape that any man can carry round his waist? Upon my soul, I’ve got it! I’m going to London about it as soon as I can get my fare; and that I shall have tomorrow, please God.’

  ‘What brings you to Hebsworth?’

  ‘I don’t care much to talk about it in a public place,’ replied Cheeseman, with caution which contrasted comically with his loud tone hitherto. ‘Only a little matter, but—Well, we’ll say nothing about it; I may communicate with you some day. And you? Do you live here?’

  Hood gave an account of his position. Under the influence of the glass of spirits, and of the real pleasure it gave him to see one of the very few men he had ever called friend, he had cast aside his cares for the moment. They went forth presently from the bar, and, after a few paces, Cheeseman took his friend by the coat collar and drew him aside, as if to impart a matter of consequence.

  ‘Two threes of gin!’ he said, with a roll of the eye which gave his face a singularly humorous expression. ‘That’s sixpence. A tanner, Hood, was the last coin I possessed. It was to have purchased dinner, a beefsteak pudding, with cabbage and potatoes; but what o’ that? When you and I meet, we drink to old times; there’
s no getting out of that.’

  Hood laughed, for once in a really natural way. His usual abstemiousness made the gin potent.

  ‘Why,’ he said, ‘I confess to feeling hungry myself; I’ve only had a sandwich. Come along; we’ll have dinner together.’

  ‘You mean it, old friend?’ cried the other, with irrepressible delight.

  ‘Of course I mean it. You don’t think I’ll let you spend your last coin, and send you off dinnerless? Things are bad, but not quite as bad as that. I’m as hungry as a hunter; where is there an eating-house?’

  They found one at a little distance.

  ‘It must be beefsteak pudding, Hood,’ whispered Cheeseman, as they entered. ‘I’ve set my heart on that. Whatever else you like, but a beefsteak pudding to start with.’

  The article was procurable, smoking, juicy. Cheeseman made an incision, then laid down his knife and gloated over his plate.

  ‘Hood,’ he said, with much solemnity, ‘you’ve done me many a kindness, old friend, but this caps all. I’m bound to you for life and death. I should have wandered about these streets a starving man.’

  The other laughed still; he had a fit of laughter on him; he had not laughed so since he was young.

  ‘Stout-and-mild is my drink, Hood,’ remarked Cheeseman, suggestively. ‘It has body, and I need the support.’

  They each had a pint, served in the native pewter. When Cheeseman had taken a deep draught he leaned forward across the table.

  ‘Hood, I don’t forget it; never you believe that I forget it, however appearances may be against me?’

  ‘Forget what?—give me the mustard, as soon as you can spare it; ha, ha!’

  ‘That ten-pound note!’

  Hood dropped his knife and fork.

  ‘What on earth’s up? You look just like you did when I clapped you o’ the shoulder. Your nerves are out of order, old friend.’

  ‘Why, so they are. I know now what you mean; I couldn’t for the life of me think what you were talking about.’