A Life's Morning

by George Gissing

  ‘Don’t think I forget it,’ pursued the other, after a mouthful.

  ‘It’s twelve years last Easter since you lent me that ten-pound note, and it’s been on my conscience ever since. But I shall repay it; never you fear but I’ll repay it. Did I mention a fire-escape that any man can wear round his waist? Hush! wait a month or two. Let me make a note of your address whilst I think of it. This pudding’s hot, but it’s a fault on the right side, and time ‘ll mend it. You wouldn’t mind, I daresay, being my agent for Dunfield—for the fire-escape, you know? I’ll communicate with you, don’t fear.’

  A hot meal in the middle of the day was a luxury long unknown to Hood. Now and again the thought of what he was doing flashed across him, but mere bodily solace made his conscience dull. As the meal proceeded he even began to justify himself. Was he never to know an hour’s enjoyment? Was his life to be unbroken hardship? What if he had borrowed a few shillings without leave; somehow difficulties would be got over; why, at the very worst, Emily would gladly lend him a pound. He began to talk of Emily, to praise her, to wax warm in the recounting of her goodness, her affection. What man living had so clever and so loving a daughter!

  ‘It’s what I said, Hood,’ put in Cheeseman, with a shake of the head. ‘You’ve left me behind. You’ve got into smooth water. The old partnership of ill-luck is broken up. Well, well! I ought to have married. It’s been my one mistake in life.’

  ‘Why, it’s none too late yet,’ cried Hood, merrily.

  ‘None too late! Powers defend us! What have I got to marry on?’

  ‘But the fire-escape?’

  ‘Yes, yes, to be sure; the fire-escape! Well, we’ll see; wait till things are set going. Perhaps you’re right; perhaps it isn’t too late. And, Hood—’

  ‘Well?’

  ‘You couldn’t manage one single half-crown piece, could you? To be sure there’s always an archway to be found, when night comes on, but I can’t pretend to like it. I always try to manage a bed at least once a week—no, no, not if there’s the least difficulty. Times are hard, I know. I’d rather say not another word about it.’

  ‘Nonsense; take the half-crown and have done with it, Why, you’ve cheered me up many a half-crownsworth; I feel better than I did. Don’t I look it? I feel as if I’d some warmth in my body. What say you, Cheeseman? One half-pint more?’

  ‘Come, come, old friend; that’s speaking feelingly. You shouldn’t try me in that way, you know. I shouldn’t like to suggest a pint, with a scrap of cheese. Eh? No, no; follow your own counsel, boy; half a pint be it.’

  But the suggestion was accepted. Then at length it occurred to Hood that time must be wearing away; he spoke of the obligation he was under to finish his business and return to Dunfield as soon as possible. Cheeseman declared himself the last man to stand in the way of business. They left the eating-house and walked together part of the way to the office of Legge Brothers.

  ‘Old friend, I’m grateful to you,’ said Cheeseman, when at length they parted. ‘I’ve got your address, and you shall hear from me; I’ve a notion it won’t be so long before we meet again. In any case it’s another day to look back upon; I little thought of it when I spent twopence-halfpenny on my breakfast this morning and left sixpence for dinner. It’s a rum world, eh, Hood? Good-bye, and God bless you!’

  Hood hurried on to the office, received his reply, and proceeded to the station. He had more than half an hour to wait for a train. He took a seat in the waiting-room, and began to examine the money in his pocket, to ascertain exactly the sum he would have to replace. The deficit amounted to a little less than eighteen shillings. After all, it was very unlikely that Dagworthy would offer to bear the expense of the lost hat. Say that a pound had to be restored.

  He was in the comfortable mood, following upon unusual indulgence of the appetite, in which the mind handles in a free and easy way the thoughts it is wont to entertain with unquestionable gravity; when it has, as it were, a slippery hold on the facts of life, and constructs a subjective world of genial accommodations. A pound to restore; on the other hand, nine pounds in pocket. The sight of the sovereigns was working upon his imagination, already touched to a warmer life than was its habit. Nine pounds would go a long way towards solving the financial difficulties of the year; it would considerably more than replace the lacking rent of the house in Barnhill; would replace it, and pay as well the increased rent of the house at Banbrigg for twelve months to come. Looked at in this way, the money became a great temptation.

  His wife—how explain to her such a windfall? For it was of course impossible to use it secretly. There was a way, seemingly of fate’s providing. If only he could bring himself to the lie direct and shameless.

  After all, a lie that would injure no mortal. As far as Dagworthy was concerned, the money had long since become the property of nobody; Dagworthy did not even know that this sum existed; if ever missed, it must have been put out of mind long ago. And very possibly it had never belonged to Dagworthy; some cashier or other clerk might just as well have lost it. Hood played with these speculations. He did not put to himself the plain alternative: Shall I keep the money, or shall I give it up? He merely let a series of reflections pass over his mind, as he lay back on the cushioned seat, experiencing an agreeable drowsiness. At the moment of finding the note, he would have handed it over to his employer without a thought; it would perhaps not even have occurred to him to regret that it was not his own. But during the last three hours a singular chain of circumstances had led to this result: it was just as possible as not that Hood would keep the coins in his pocket and say nothing about them.

  It was time to go to the train. Almost with the first moving of the carriages he fell into a doze. A sense of mental uneasiness roused him now and then, but only for a few moments together; he slumbered on till Dunfield was reached.

  At the entrance to the mill he was in fierce conflict with himself. As is usually the case in like circumstances, the sleepy journey had resulted in bodily uneasiness; he had a slight headache, was thirsty, felt indisposed to return to work. When he had all but crossed the threshold, he turned sharply back, and entered a little public-house a few yards away; an extraordinary thing for him to do, but he felt that a small glass of spirits would help him to quieter nerves, or at all events would sustain his unusual exhilaration till the interview with Dagworthy was over. At the very door of the office he had not decided whether it should be silence or restitution.

  ‘That you, Hood?’ Dagworthy asked, looking up from a letter he was writing. ‘Been rather a long time, haven’t you?’

  The tone was unusually indulgent. Hood felt an accession of confidence; he explained naturally the cause of his delay.

  ‘All right,’ was the reply, as Dagworthy took the note which his correspondent had sent.

  Hood was in his own room, and—the money was still in his pocket….

  He did not set out to walk home with his usual cheerfulness that evening. His headache had grown worse, and he wished, wished at every step he took, that the lie he had to tell to his wife was over and done with. There was no repentance of the decision which, it seemed on looking back, he had arrived at involuntarily. The coin which made his pocket heavy meant joy to those at home, and, if he got it wrongfully, the wrong was so dubious, so shadowy, that it vanished in comparison with the good that would be done. It was not—he said to himself—as if he had committed a theft to dissipate the proceeds, like that young fellow who ran away from the Dunfield and County Bank some months ago, and was caught in London with disreputable associates. Here was a ten-pound note lying, one might say, by the very roadside, and it would save a family from privation. Abstractly, it was wrong; yes, it was wrong; but would abstract right feed him and pay his rent for the year to come? Hood had reached this stage in his self-examination; he strengthened himself by protest against the order of things. His headache nursed the tendency to an active discontent, to which, as a rule, his temperament did not lend itself.

&nb
sp; But there remained the telling of the lie. How he wished that Emily were not at home! To lie before Emily, that was the hardest part of his self-imposed task. He could not respect his wife, but before Emily, since her earliest companionship with him, he had watched his words scrupulously; as a little girl she had so impressed him with the purity of her heart that his love for her had been the nearest approach he ever knew to the spirit of worship; and since her attainment of mental and moral independence, his reverence for’ her had not been unmixed with awe. When her eyes met his, he felt the presence of a nature indefinitely nobler than his own; not seldom he marvelled in his dim way that such a one called him father. Could he ever after this day approach her with the old confidence? Nay, he feared her. His belief in her insight was almost a superstition. Would she not read the falsehood upon his face?

  Strange state of mind; at one and the same time he wished that he had thought of Emily sooner, and was glad that he had not. That weight in his pocket was after all a joyous one, and to have been conscious of Emily as he now was, might—would—have made him by so much a poorer man.

  She, as usual, was at the door to meet him, her face even ladder than its wont, for this morning there had been at the post-office a letter from Switzerland. How she loved that old name of Helvetia, printed on the stamps! Wilfrid wrote with ever fuller assurance that his father’s mind was growing well-disposed, and Emily knew that he would not tell her other than the honest truth. For Wilfrid’s scrupulous honesty she would have vouched as—for her father’s.

  ‘You look dreadfully worn out,’ she said, as Hood bent his head in entering.

  ‘I am, dear. I have been to Hebsworth, among other things.’

  ‘Then I hope you had dinner there?’

  He laughed.

  ‘I should think I had!’

  It was one of Mrs. Hood’s bad days; she refused to leave the kitchen. Emily had tried to cheer her during the afternoon, but in vain. There had been a misunderstanding with the next-door neighbour, that lady having expressed herself rather decidedly with regard to an incursion made into her premises by the Hoods’ cat.

  ‘She speaks to me as if I was a mere working-woman,’ Mrs. Hood exclaimed, when Emily endeavoured to soothe her. ‘Well, and what else am I, indeed? There was a time when no one would have ventured to speak so.’

  ‘Mother, how can you be troubled by what such a woman says?’

  ‘Yes, I know I am in the wrong, Emily; you always make me see that.’

  So Emily had retreated to the upper room, and Mrs. Hood, resenting neglect more even than contradiction, was resolved to sit in the kitchen till bedtime.

  Hood was glad when he heard of this.

  ‘If you’ll pour out my tea, Emily,’ he said in an undertone, ‘I’ll go and speak to mother for a few moments. I have news that will please her.’

  He went into the kitchen and, in silence, began to count sovereigns down upon the table, just behind his wife, who sat over some sewing and had not yet spoken. At the ring of each coin his heart throbbed painfully. He fully realised, for the first time, what he had done.

  At the ring of the fifth sovereign Mrs. Hood turned her head.

  ‘What’s that?’ she asked snappishly.

  He went on counting till the nine were displayed.

  ‘What is it?’ she repeated. ‘Why do you fidget me so?’

  ‘You’d never guess,’ Hood answered, laughing hoarsely. ‘I had to go to Hebsworth to-day, and who ever do you think I met there? Why, old Cheeseman.’

  He paused.

  ‘And he—no, I’ll never believe he paid his debt!’ said his wife, with bitter congratulation. For years the name of Cheeseman had been gall upon her tongue; even now she had not entirely ceased to allude to him, when she wished to throw especial force of sarcasm into a reminiscence of her earlier days. A woman’s powers in the direction of envenomed memory are terrible.

  ‘You have said it,’ was Hood’s reply under his breath. ‘It was providential. What did I do, but go and lose my hat out of the window of the train—had it knocked off by a drunken fellow, in fact. But for this money I should have gone about Hebsworth bareheaded, and come home so, too.’

  ‘A new hat! There’s a pretty penny gone! Well, it’s too much to hope that any good luck should come without bad at the same time.’

  ‘Well, now you won’t fret so much about the rent, Jane?’

  He laid his hand upon her shoulder. It was a movement of tenderness such as had not come to him for years; he felt the need of sympathy; he could have begged her to give him a kind look. But she had resumed her sewing; her fingers were not quite steady, that was all.

  He left the money on the table and went to Emily in the sitting-room. She was sitting at the table waiting for him with her kindly eyes.

  ‘And what has the wise woman been doing all day?’ he asked, trying in vain to overcome that terrible fluttering at his side which caught his breath and made him feel weak.

  They talked for some minutes, then footsteps were heard approaching from the kitchen. Mrs. Hood entered with her sewing—she always took the very coarsest for such days as this—and sat at a little distance from the table. As the conversation had nothing to do with Cheeseman’s debt, she grew impatient.

  ‘Have you told Emily?’ she asked.

  ‘No, I haven’t. You shall do that.’

  Hood tried to eat the while; the morsels became like sawdust in his mouth, and all but choked him. He tried to laugh; the silence which followed his effort was ghastly to him.

  ‘You see, it never does to believe too ill of a man,’ he said, when he found Emily’s look upon him.

  Mrs. Hood grew mere at her ease, and, to his relief, began to talk freely. Emily tortured him by observing that he had no appetite. He excused himself by telling of his dinner in Hebsworth, and, as soon as possible, left the table. He went upstairs and hoped to find solitude for a time in the garret.

  Emily joined him, however, before long. At her entrance he caught up the first bottle his hand fell upon, and seemed to be examining it.

  ‘What is that?’ Emily asked, noticing his intentness, which in reality had no meaning.

  ‘This? Oh, cyanide of potassium. I was looking—no, it’s nothing. Will you read me something for half an hour, Emily?’

  By this means he would avoid talking, and he knew that the girl was always delighted by the request. She generally read poetry of a kind she thought might touch him, longing to establish more of intellectual sympathy between him and herself. So she did to-night. Hood scarcely followed after the first line; he became lost in feverish brooding. When she laid the volume down, he looked up and held out his hand to her. She, at all events, would not disregard his caress; indeed, Emily took the hand and kissed it.

  Then began one of the more intimate conversations which sometimes took place between them. Emily was driven now and then to endeavour to make clear to him her inner life, to speak of her ideals, her intellectual convictions. He listened always with an air of deep humility, very touching in a parent before a child. Her meaning was often dark to his sight, but he strove hard to comprehend, and every word she uttered had for him a gospel sanction. To-night his thoughts strayed; her voice was nothing but the reproach of his own soul; the high or tender words were but an emphasis of condemnation, reiterated, pitiless. She was speaking thus out of her noble heart to him—him, the miserable hypocrite; he pretended to listen and to approve. His being was a loathed burden.

  If she had spoken thus last night, surely her voice would have dwelt with him through the hour of temptation. Oh, could it not be morning again, and the day yet to live? The clock below wheezed out nine strokes as if in answer.

  CHAPTER X

  AT THE SWORD’S POINT

  Dagworthy in these days could scarcely be deemed a man, with humanity’s plenitude of interacting motives, of contrasting impulses, of varying affections. He was become one passion, a personified appetite. He went through his routine, at the mill and else
where, in a mechanical way; all the time his instincts and habits subjugated themselves to the frenzy which chafed at the centres of his life. In his face you saw the monomaniac. His eyes were bloodshot; his lips had a parched yellowness of tone; his skin seemed dry and burning. Through the day he talked, gave orders, wrote letters, and, by mere force of lifelong habit, much in his usual way; at night he wandered about the Heath, now at a great pace, driven by his passions, now loitering, stumbling. Between dark and dawn he was fifty times in front of the Hoods’ house; he watched the extinguishing of the lights in window after window, and, when all were gone, made away with curses on his lips, only to return an hour later, to torture himself with conjecture which room might be Emily’s. His sufferings were unutterable. What devil—he groaned—had sent upon him this torment? He wished he were as in former days, when the indifference he felt towards his wife’s undeniable beauty had, as it seemed, involved all womankind. In those times he could not have conceived a madness such as this. How had it arisen? Was it a physical illness? Was it madness in truth, or the beginning of it? Why had it not taken him four months ago, when he met this girl at the Baxendales’? But he remembered that even then she had attracted him strangely; he had quitted the others to talk to her. He must have been prepared to conceive this frantic passion on coming together with her again.

  Love alone, so felt and so frustrated, would have been bad enough; it was the added pang of jealousy that made it a fierce agony. It was well that the man she had chosen was not within his reach; his mood was that of a murderer. The very heat and vigour of his physical frame, the native violence of his temper, disposed him to brute fury, if an instinct such as this once became acute; and the imaginative energy which lurked in him, a sort of undeveloped genius, was another source of suffering beyond that which ordinary men endure. He was a fine creature in these hours, colossal, tragic; it needed this experience to bring out all there was of great and exceptional in his character. He was not of those who can quit the scene of their fruitless misery and find forgetfulness at a distance. Every searing stroke drove him more desperately in pursuit of his end. He was further from abandoning it, now that he knew another stood in his way, than he would have been if Emily had merely rejected him. He would not yield her to another man; he swore to himself that he would not, let it cost him and her what it might.