A Life's Morning

by George Gissing

  Of late it had become known that he was about to take a partner into his business, a member of the Legge family—a name we remember. Dunfieldians discussed the news, and revived their pleasure in speculating on the sum total of Dagworthy’s fortune. But it was as one talks of possible mines of treasure in the moon; practical interest in the question could scarcely be said to exist, for the chance of Dagworthy’s remarriage seemed remoter than ever. The man was beginning to be one of those figures about whom gathers the peculiar air of mystery which ultimately leads to the creation of myths. Let him live on in this way for another twenty years, and stories would be told of him to children in the nursery. The case of assault and battery, a thing of the far past, would probably develop into a fable of manslaughter, of murder; his wife’s death was already regarded very much in that light, and would class him with Bluebeard; his house on the Heath would assume a forbidding aspect, and dread whispers would be exchanged of what went on there under the shadow of night. Was it not already beginning to be remarked by his neighbours that you met him wandering about lonely places at unholy hours, and that he shunned you, like one with a guilty conscience? Let him advance in years, his face lose its broad colour, his hair grow scant and grey, his figure, per chance, stoop a little, his eyes acquire the malignity of miserly old age—and there you have the hero of a Dunfield legend. Even thus do such grow.

  But he is sitting by his fireside this New Year’s Eve, still a young man, still fresh-coloured, only looking tired and lonely, and, in fact, meditating an attempt to recover his interest in life. He had admitted a partner to his business chiefly that he might be free to quit Yorkshire for a time, and at present he was settling affairs to that end. This afternoon he expected a visit from Mr. Cartwright, who had been serving him in several ways of late, and who had promised to come and talk business for an hour. The day was anything but cheerful; at times a stray flake of snow hissed upon the fire; already, at three o’clock, shadows were invading the room.

  He heard a knock at the front door, and, supposing it to be Cartwright, roused himself. As he was stirring the fire a servant announced—instead of the father, the daughter. Jessie Cartwright appeared.

  ‘Something amiss with your father?’ Dagworthy asked, shaking hands with her carelessly.

  ‘Yes; I’m sorry to say he has such a very bad sore-throat that he couldn’t possibly come. Oh, what an afternoon it is, to be sure!’

  ‘Why did you come?’ was Dagworthy’s not very polite Inquiry. ‘It wasn’t so important as all that. Walked all the way?’

  ‘Of course. I’m afraid the wet ‘ll drip off my cloak on to the floor.’

  ‘Take it off, then, and put it here by the fire to dry.’

  He helped her to divest herself, and hung the cloak on to the back of a chair.

  ‘You may as well sit down. Shall I give you a glass of wine?’

  ‘Oh, indeed, no! No, thank you!’

  ‘I think you’d better have one,’ he said, without heeding her. ‘I suppose you’ve got your feet wet? I can’t very well ask you to take your shoes off.’

  ‘Oh, they’re not wet anything to speak of,’ said Jessie, settling herself in a chair, as if her visit were the most ordinary event. She watched him pour the wine, putting on the face of a child who is going to be treated to something reserved for grown-up persons.

  ‘What do they mean by sending you all this distance in such weather?’ Dagworthy said, as he seated himself and extended his legs, resting an elbow on the table.

  ‘They didn’t send me. I offered to come, and mother wouldn’t hear of it.’

  ‘Well—?’

  ‘Oh, I just slipped out of the room, and was off before anyone could get after me. I suppose I shall catch it rarely when I get back. But we wanted to know why you haven’t been to see us—not even on Christmas Day. Now that, you know, was too bad of you, Mr. Dagworthy. I said you must be ill. Have you been?’

  ‘Ill? No.’

  ‘Oh!’ the girl exclaimed, upon a sudden thought. ‘That reminds me. I really believe Mrs. Hood is dead; at all events all the blinds were down as I came past.’

  ‘Yes,’ was the reply, ‘she is dead. She died early this morning.’

  ‘Well, I never! Isn’t poor Emily having a shocking Christmas! I declare, when I saw her last week, she looked like a ghost, and worse.’

  Dagworthy gazed at the fire and said nothing.

  ‘One can’t be sorry that it’s over,’ Jessie went on, ‘only it’s so dreadful, her father and mother dead almost at the same time. I’m sure it would have killed me.’

  ‘What is she going to do?’ Dagworthy asked, slowly, almost as if speaking to himself.

  ‘Oh, I daresay it ‘ll be all right as soon as she gets over it, you know. She’s a lucky girl, in one way.’

  ‘Lucky?’ He raised his head to regard her. ‘How?’

  ‘Oh well, that isn’t a thing to talk about. And then I don’t know anything for certain. It’s only what people say you know.’

  ‘What do people say?’ he asked, impatiently, though without much sign of active interest. It was rather as if her manner annoyed him, than the subject of which she spoke.

  ‘I don’t see that it can interest you.’

  ‘No, I don’t see that it can. Still, you may as well explain.’

  Jessie sipped her wine.

  ‘It’s only that they say she’s engaged.’

  ‘To whom?’

  ‘A gentleman in London—somebody in the family where she was teaching.’

  ‘How do you know that?’ he asked, with the same blending of indifference and annoyed persistency.

  ‘Why, it’s only a guess, after all. One day Barbara and I went to see her, and just as we got to the door, out comes a gentleman we’d never seen before. Of course, we wondered who he was. The next day mother and I were in the station, buying a newspaper, and there was the same gentleman, just going to start by the London train. Mother remembered she’d seen him walking with Mrs. Baxendale in St. Luke’s, and then we found he’d been staying with the Baxendales all through Emily’s illness.’

  ‘How did you find it out? You don’t know the Baxendales.’

  ‘No, but Mrs. Gadd does, and she told us.’

  ‘What’s his name?’

  ‘Mr. Athel—a queer name, isn’t it?’

  Dagworthy was silent.

  ‘Now you’re cross with me,’ Jessie exclaimed. ‘You’ll tell me, like you did once before, that I’m no good but to pry into other people’s business.’

  ‘You may pry as much as you like,’ was the murmured reply.

  ‘Just because you don’t care what I do?’

  ‘Drink your wine and try to be quiet just for a little.’

  ‘Why?’

  He made no answer, until Jessie asked—

  ‘Why does it seem to interest you so much?’

  ‘What?—all that stuff you’ve been telling me? I was thinking of something quite different.’

  ‘Oh!’ exclaimed the girl, blankly.

  There was a longer silence. Jessie let her eyes stray about the room, stealing a glance at Dagworthy occasionally. Presently he rose, poked the fire with violence, and drank his own wine, which had been waiting so long.

  ‘I must have out the carriage to send you back,’ he said, going to the window to look at the foul weather.

  ‘The carriage, indeed!’ protested the girl, with a secret joy. ‘You’ll do no such thing.’

  ‘I suppose I shall do as I choose,’ he remarked, quietly. Then he came and rang the bell.

  ‘You’re not really going to—?’

  A servant answered, and the carriage was ordered.

  ‘Well, certainly that’s one way of getting rid of me,’ Jessie observed.

  ‘You can stay as long as you please.’

  ‘But the carriage will be round.’

  ‘Can’t I keep it waiting half through the night if I choose? I’ve done so before now. I suppose I’m master in my own house.
’

  It was strictly true, that, of the carriage. Once the coachman had been five minutes late on an evening when Dagworthy happened to be ill-tempered. He bade the man wait at the door, and the waiting lasted through several hours.

  The room was growing dusk.

  ‘Aren’t you very lonely here?’ Jessie asked, an indescribable change in her voice.

  ‘Yes, I suppose I am. You won’t make it any better by telling me so.’

  ‘I feel sorry.’

  ‘I dare say you do.’

  ‘Of course you don’t believe me. All the same, I do feel sorry.’

  ‘That won’t help.’

  ‘No?—I suppose it won’t.’

  The words were breathed out on a sigh. Dagworthy made no answer.

  ‘I’m not much better off,’ she continued, in a low-spirited voice.

  ‘Nonsense!’ he ejaculated, roughly, half turning his back on her.

  Jessie fumbled a moment at her dress; then, succeeding in getting her handkerchief out, began to press it against her eyes furtively. Strangely, there was real moisture to be removed.

  ‘What’s the matter with you?’ Dagworthy asked with surprise.

  She no longer attempted concealment, but began to cry quietly.

  ‘What the deuce has come to you, Jessie?’

  ‘You—you—speak very unkindly to me,’ she sobbed.

  ‘Speak unkindly? I didn’t know it. What did I say?’

  ‘You won’t believe when I say I’m sorry you feel lonely.’

  ‘Why, confound it, I’ll believe as much as you like, if it comes to that. Put that handkerchief away, and drink another glass of wine.’

  She stood up, and went to lean on the mantelpiece, hiding her face. When he was near her again, she continued her complaints in a low voice.

  ‘It’s so miserable at home. They want me to be a teacher, and how can I? I never pretended to be clever, and if I’d all the lessons under the sun, I should never be able to teach French—and—arithmetic—and those things. But I wish I could; then I should get away from home, and see new people. There’s nobody I care to see in Dunfield—nobody but one—’

  She stopped on a sob.

  ‘Who’s that?’ Dagworthy asked, looking at her with a singular expression, from head to foot.

  She made no answer, but sobbed again.

  ‘What Christmas presents have you had?’ was his next question, irrelevant enough apparently.

  ‘Oh, none—none to speak of—a few little things. What do I care for presents? You can’t live on presents.’

  ‘Can’t live on them? Are things bad at home?’

  ‘I didn’t mean that. But of course they’re bad; they’re always bad nowadays. However, Barbara’s going to be married in a week; she’ll be one out of the way. And of course I haven’t a dress fit to be seen in for the wedding.’

  ‘Why then, get a dress. How much will it cost?’ He went to a writing-table, unlocked a drawer, and took out a cheque-book. ‘Now then,’ he said, half jestingly, half in earnest, ‘what is it to be? Anything you like to say—I’ll write it.’

  ‘As if I wanted money!’

  ‘I can give you that. I don’t see what else I can do. It isn’t to be despised.’

  ‘No, you can do nothing else,’ she said, pressing each cheek with her handkerchief before putting it away. ‘Will you help me on with my cloak, Mr. Dagworthy?’

  He took it from the chair, and held it for her. Jessie, as if by accident, approached her face to his hand, and, before he saw her purpose, kissed his hard fingers. Then she turned away, hiding her face.

  Dagworthy dropped the garment, and stood looking at her. He had a half contemptuous smile on his lips. At this moment it was announced that the carriage was coming round. Jessie caught at her cloak, and threw it over her shoulders. Then, with sunk head, she offered to shake hands.

  ‘No use, Jessie,’ Dagworthy remarked quietly, without answering her gesture.

  ‘Of course, I know it’s no use,’ she said in a hurried voice of shame. ‘I know it as well as you can tell me. I wish I’d never come.’

  ‘But you don’t act badly,’ he continued.

  ‘What do you mean?’ she exclaimed, indignation helping her to raise her eyes for a moment. ‘I’m not acting.’

  ‘You don’t mean anything by it—that’s all.’

  ‘No, perhaps not. Good-bye.’

  ‘Good-bye. I’m going away before very long. I dare say I shan’t see you again before then.’

  ‘Where are you going to?’

  ‘Abroad.’

  ‘I suppose you’ll bring back a foreign wife,’ she said with sad scornfulness.

  ‘No, I’m not likely to do that. I shouldn’t wonder if I’m away for some time, though—perhaps a couple of years.’

  ‘Years!’ she exclaimed in astonishment.

  He laughed.

  ‘That startles you. I shan’t be back in time for your wedding, you see.’

  She sobbed again, averting her face.

  ‘I shan’t ever be married. I’m one of those wretched things nobody ever cares for.’

  ‘You’ll have to show you deserve it. Why, you couldn’t give your word and keep it for two years.’

  Through this extraordinary scene Dagworthy was utterly unlike himself. It was as if a man suffering physical agony should suddenly begin to jest and utter wild mirth; there was the same unreality in his behaviour. Throughout it all the lines of his face never lost their impress of gloom. Misery had its clutch upon him, and he was driven by an inexplicable spirit of self-mockery to burlesque the subject of his unhappiness. He had no sense of responsibility, and certain instincts were strongly excited, making a kind of moral intoxication.

  Jessie answered his question with wide eyes.

  ‘I couldn’t?—Ah!’

  She spoke under her breath, and with sincerity which was not a little amusing.

  ‘It’s New Year’s Eve, isn’t it?’ Dagworthy pursued, throwing out his words at random. ‘Be here this day two years—or not, as you like. I’m going to wander about, but I shall be here on that day—that is, if I’m alive. You won’t though. Good-bye.’

  He turned away from her, and went to the ‘window. Jessie moved a little nearer.

  ‘Do you mean that?’ she asked.

  ‘Mean it?’ he repeated, ‘why, yes, as much as I mean anything. Be off; you’re keeping that poor devil in the snow.’

  ‘Mr. Dagworthy, I shall be here, and you daren’t pretend to forget, or to say you weren’t in earnest.’

  He laughed and waved his hand.

  ‘Be off to your carriage!’

  Jessie moved to the door reluctantly; but he did not turn again, and she departed.

  CHAPTER XIX

  THE COMPLETION OF MISCHANCE

  Upon Emily had fallen silence. The tongue which for three months had incessantly sounded in her ears, with its notes of wailing, of upbraiding, of physical pain, of meaningless misery, was at rest for ever. As she stood beside the grave—the grave whose earth had not had time to harden since it received her father—she seemed still to hear that feeble, querulous voice, with its perpetual iteration of her own name; the casting of clay upon the coffin made a sound not half so real. Returning home, she went up to the bedroom with the same hurried step with which she had been wont to enter after her brief absences. The bed was vacant; the blind made the air dim; she saw her breath rise before her.

  There remained but a little servant-girl, who, coming to the sitting-room to ask about meals, stood crying with her apron held to her eyes. Emily spoke to her almost with tender kindness. Her own eyes had shed but few tears; she only wept on hearing those passages read which, by their promise of immortal life, were to her as mockery of her grief. She did not venture to look into the grave’s mouth she dreaded lest there might be visible some portion of her father’s coffin.

  Mrs. Baxendale, the Cartwrights, and one or two other friends had attended the funeral. At Emily’s request
no one accompanied her home. Mrs. Baxendale drove her to the door, and went on to Dunfield.

  The last link with the past was severed—almost, it seemed, the last link with the world. A sense of loneliness grew about her heart; she lived in a vast solitude, whither came faintest echoes of lamentation, the dying resonance of things that had been. It could hardly be called grief, this drawing off of the affections, this desiccation of the familiar kindnesses which for the time seemed all her being. She forced herself to remember that the sap of life would flow again, that love would come back to her when the hand of death released her from its cruel grip; as yet she could only be sensible of her isolation, her forlorn oneness. It needs a long time before the heart can companion only with memories. About its own centre it wraps such warm folds of kindred life. Tear these away, how the poor heart shivers in its nakedness.

  She was alone. It no longer mattered where she lived, for her alliances henceforth were only of the spirit. She must find some sphere in which she could create for herself a new activity, for to sit in idleness was to invite dread assaults. The task of her life was an inward one, but her nature was not adapted to quiescence, and something must replace the task which had come to an end by her mother’s death. Already she had shaped plans, and she dared not allow needless time to intervene before practically pursuing them.