A Life's Morning

by George Gissing

  In the evening of that day Mrs. Baxendale again came to Banbrigg. She found Emily with writing materials before her. Her object in coming was to urge Emily to quit this lonely house.

  ‘Come and stay with me,’ she entreated. ‘You shall be as unmolested as here; no one but myself shall ever come near you. Emily, I cannot go home and sleep with the thought of you here alone.’

  ‘You forget,’ Emily replied, ‘that I have in reality lived alone for a long time; I do not feel it as you imagine. No, I must stay here, but not for long. I shall at once find a teacher’s place again.’

  ‘That is your intention?’

  ‘Yes. I shall sell the furniture, and ask the landlord to find another tenant as soon as possible. But till I go away I wish to live in this house.’

  Mrs. Baxendale knew that Emily’s projects were not to be combated like a girl’s idle fancies. She did not persevere, but let sad silence be her answer.

  ‘Would you in no case stay in Dunfield?’

  ‘No; I must leave Dunfield. I don’t think I shall find it difficult to get employment.’

  Mrs. Baxendale had never ventured to ask for the girl’s confidence, nor even to show that she desired it. Emily was more perplexing to her now than even at the time of Wilfrid Athel’s rejection. She consoled herself with the thought that a period of active occupation was no doubt the best means of restoring this complex nature to healthy views of life; that at all events it was likely to bring about an unravelling of the mysteries in which her existence seemed to have become involved. You could not deal with her as with other girls; the sources of her strength and her weakness lay too deep; counsel to her would be a useless, an impertinent, interference with her grave self-guiding. Mrs. Baxendale could but speak words of extreme tenderness, and return whence she had come. On going away, she felt that the darkest spot of night was over that house.

  Emily lived at Banbrigg for more than three weeks. After the first few days she appeared to grow lighter in mind; she talked more freely with those who came to see her, and gladly accepted friendly aid in little practical matters which had to be seen to. Half-way between Banbrigg and Dunfield lay the cemetery; there she passed a part of every morning, sometimes in grief which opened all the old wounds, more often in concentration of thought such as made her unaware of the passage of time. The winter weather was not severe; not seldom a thin gleam of sunshine would pass from grave to grave, and give promise of spring in the said reign of the year’s first month. Emily was almost the only visitor at the hour she chose. She had given directions for the raising of a stone at the grave-head; as yet there was only the newly-sodded hillock. Close at hand was a grave on which friends placed hot-house flowers, sheltering them beneath glass. Emily had no desire to express her mourning in that way; the flower of her love was planted where it would not die.

  But she longed to bring her time of waiting to an end. The steps she had as yet taken had led to nothing. She had not requested Mrs. Baxendale to make inquiries for her, and her friend, thinking she understood the reason, did not volunteer assistance, nor did she hear any particulars of the correspondence that went on. Ultimately, Emily communicated with her acquaintances in Liverpool, who were at once anxious to serve her. She told them that she would by preference find a place in a school. And at length they drew her attention to an advertisement which seemed promising; it was for a teacher in a girls’ school near Liverpool. A brief correspondence led to her being engaged.

  She was in perfect readiness to depart. For a day or two she had not seen Mrs. Baxendale, and, on the afternoon before the day of her leaving Banbrigg, she went to take leave of her friends. It was her intention to visit Mrs. Baxendale first, then to go on to the Cartwrights’. As it rained, she walked to Pendal and took train for Dunfield.

  At Dunfield station she was delayed for some moments in leaving the carriage by travellers who got out before her with complexities of baggage. To reach the exit of the station she had to cross the line by a bridge, and at the foot of this bridge stood the porter who collected tickets. As she drew near to him her eyes fell upon a figure moving before her, that of a young man, wearing thick travelling apparel and carrying a bag. She did not need to see his face, yet, as he stopped to give up his ticket, she caught a glimpse of it. The train by which she had travelled had also brought Wilfrid to Dunfield.

  She turned and walked to a little distance away from the foot of the stairs. There was no room that she could enter on this platform. She dropped her black veil, and seated herself on a bench. In truth she had a difficulty in standing, her body trembled so.

  For five minutes she remained seated, calming herself and determining what course to take. She held it for certain that Wilfrid had come at Mrs. Baxendale’s bidding. But would he go to that house first, or straight to her own? With the latter purpose he would probably have left the train at Pendal. She would have time to get home before he could come. At this moment a train was entering the station on the other side. She hurried over the bridge, and, without stopping to obtain a ticket, entered a carriage.

  It was not without dread lest Wilfrid might have already arrived, and be waiting within for her return that she approached the house door. Her fears were groundless. The servant told her that no one had called.

  ‘If anyone should call this evening,’ she said, ‘I cannot see them. You will say that I shall not be able to see anyone—anyone, whoever it is—till tomorrow morning.’…

  At this same hour, Mrs. Baxendale, entering a shop in Dunfield, found Dagworthy making purchases.

  ‘I shall not see you again for a long time,’ he said, as he was leaving. ‘I start tomorrow on a long journey.’

  ‘Out of England?’

  He did not specify his route, merely said that he was going far from England. They shook hands, and Mrs. Baxendale was left with a musing expression on her face. She turned her eyes to the counter; the purchase for which Dagworthy had just paid was a box of ladies’ gloves. The shopman put them aside, to be made into a parcel and sent away.

  When, half an hour later, she reached home, she was at once informed that Mr. Athel was in the drawing-room. The intelligence caused her to bite her lower lip, a way she had of expressing the milder form of vexation. She went first to remove her walking apparel, and did not hasten the process. When she at length entered the drawing-room Wilfrid was pacing about in his accustomed fashion.

  ‘You here?’ she exclaimed, with a dubious shake of the head. ‘Why so soon?’

  ‘So soon! The time has gone more quickly with you than with me, Mrs. Baxendale.’

  Clearly he had not spent the last three months in ease of mind. His appearance was too like that with which he had come from Oxford on the occasion of his break-down.

  ‘I could bear it no longer,’ he continued. ‘I cannot let her go away without seeing her.’

  ‘You will go this evening?’

  ‘Yes, I must. You have nothing hopeful to say to me?’

  Mrs. Baxendale dropped her eyes, and answered, ‘Nothing.’ Then she regarded him as if in preface to some utterance of moment, but after all kept silence.

  ‘Has she heard of anything yet?’

  ‘I believe not. I have not seen her since Tuesday, and then she told me of nothing. But I don’t ask her.’

  ‘I know—you explained. I think you have done wisely. How is she?’

  ‘Well, seemingly.’

  He let his feeling get the upper hand.

  ‘I can’t leave her again without an explanation. She must tell me everything. Have I not a right to ask it of her? I can’t live on like this; I do nothing. The days pass in misery of idleness. If only in pity she will tell me all.’

  ‘Don’t you think it possible,’ Mrs. Baxendale asked, ‘that she has already done so?’

  He gazed at her blankly, despairingly.

  ‘You have come to believe that? Her words—her manner—seem to prove that?’

  ‘I cannot say certainly. I only mean that you should be p
repared to believe if she repeated it.’

  ‘Yes, if she repeats it. I shall have no choice. Well, I wished to see you first; I will go to Banbrigg at once.’

  Mrs. Baxendale seemed reluctant to let him go, yet at length she did. He was absent an hour and a half. At his return Mrs. Baxendale had friends with her in the drawing room. Wilfrid ascertained it from the servant, and said that he would go to the sitting-room he had formerly occupied, and wait there till the lady was alone.

  She came to him before very long, and learnt that he had not been able to see Emily; the servant had told him that she could see no one till the next morning.

  Mrs. Baxendale sighed.

  ‘Then you must wait.’

  ‘Yes, I must wait.’

  He passed the night at the house. Mr. Baxendale was in London, parliamentarily occupied. At eleven next morning he went again to Banbrigg. Again he was but a short time absent, and in his face, as he entered the drawing-room, Mrs. Baxendale read catastrophe.

  ‘She has gone!’ he said. ‘She left very early this morning. The girl has no idea where she has gone to, but says she won’t return—that she has left for good. What does this mean?’

  ‘What does it mean?’ the lady repeated musingly. ‘I wonder, I wonder.’

  ‘She knew I called yesterday; I left my name. She has gone to avoid me.’

  ‘That may be. But all her preparations were evidently made.’

  ‘But it may not be true. The girl of course would say whatever she was bidden to. I don’t believe that she has really gone.’

  ‘I do,’ said Mrs. Baxendale, with quiet significance.

  ‘On what grounds? You know more than you will tell me. Is there no one with common humanity? Why do you plot against me? Why won’t you tell me what you know?’

  ‘I will, if you sit down there and endeavour to command yourself. That is, I will tell you certain things that I have heard, and something that I have seen. Then we will reason about them.’

  Wilfrid’s brow darkened. He prepared to listen.

  ‘About six weeks ago,’ the lady began, ‘I went to see a friend of mine, a lady who was recovering from an illness, someone who knows Emily, though not intimately. In her illness she was nursed by the same woman who helped poor Mrs. Hood when Emily was in her fever. This woman, it appears, was induced to talk about Emily, and gave it as a secret that Emily’s illness had something to do with an attachment between her and Mr. Dagworthy, her father’s employer. Her grounds for believing this were, first of all, the fact of Emily frequently uttering his name in her delirium, with words which seemed to refer to some mystery between them; then the circumstance of Mr. Dagworthy’s having, shortly after, left a note at the house, with special injunctions to the servant that it should be given into Emily’s own hands. This story, you may imagine, surprised me not a little. A few days later Mr. Dagworthy dined with us, and I took an opportunity of talking with him; it seemed to me certain that Emily had some special place in his thoughts. I know, too, that he was particularly anxious throughout the time of her illness, and that of her mother.’

  The listener was paralysed.

  ‘Why have you kept this from me?’ he asked, indignation blending with his misery.

  ‘Because it was no better than gossip and speculation. I had no right to report such things—at all events, so it seemed to me. Now I am going to add something which may be the wildest error, but which cannot trouble you much if you imagine that the story is true. Yesterday, just before I came home to find you here, I met Mr. Dagworthy by chance in a draper’s shop, and he told me that he was going away to-day, leaving England.’

  ‘To-day?’

  ‘Yes. And I saw that he had been buying a box of ladies’ gloves.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ Wilfrid stammered out.

  ‘I know that he has no female relatives—except his wife’s, who live in another part of England, and are on bad terms with him.’

  ‘His wife—you said?’

  ‘His late wife; he is a widower. Now we may be imagining in the silliest way, but—’

  ‘But why—’ Wilfrid checked himself. ‘Do I understand you? You think Emily has gone with him—has gone to be married to him?’

  ‘It is almost impossible seriously to think it.’

  ‘And you think she would shrink from being married here?’

  ‘For one or two reasons—at all events, so soon.’

  ‘But is it possible to believe that she deliberately deceived you—made a pretence of seeking employment?’

  ‘I can’t say. She never gave me any details of what she was doing. Another thing—she would not come to stay with me after her mother’s funeral. Mr. Dagworthy lives on the Heath, only just beyond Banbrigg. You see to what things we can be led, if we begin interpreting shadows; but Emily is a mystery to me, and, as I have begun, I must gossip to you all I know.’

  Mrs. Baxendale was certainly doing more in the way of gossiping conjecture than perhaps she had ever done before; the occasion excited her, and that coincidence of Dagworthy’s purchase, together with his departure this very day, struck her with a force which unsettled her usual balance of thought. Wilfrid was as ready to believe; to him there was a certain strange relief in feeling that he had at length reached the climax of his sufferings. He had only to give credence to Emily’s own words. She had said that a change had come in her heart, in her life, and that she no longer loved him. Understand it he of course could not, nor ever would, unless he lost all faith in woman’s honour.

  ‘But this can be either confirmed or refuted speedily,’ he exclaimed. ‘Can you not make inquiries of this Mr. Dagworthy’s friends? If they know nothing yet, they will soon hear from him.’

  ‘Yes, I can make such inquiries. But he has a peculiar reputation in Dunfield; I think he scarcely has an intimate friend.’

  ‘Well, there is, at all events, Emily herself. If this story is baseless, she will be writing to you.’

  ‘I think so. Again we must wait. Poor Wilfrid! from my heart I feel for you!’

  It was decided that Wilfrid should remain in Dunfield for a day or two, till news might be obtained. News came, however, sooner than was anticipated. In the afternoon a letter was delivered, posted by Emily at Pendal in the morning. She wrote to Mrs. Baxendale to say that she had left to take a place in a school; then continued:

  ‘I have a reason for leaving suddenly. A reason you will understand. I should have come to say good-bye to you yesterday, but something happened to prevent me. The same reason has decided me to keep secret even from you, my dear and honoured friend, the place to which I am going; in time you shall hear from me, for I know I cannot have forfeited your love, though I fear I have given you pain. Think of me with forbearance. I do what I must do.’

  That was all. No word for Wilfrid.

  ‘This proves it,’ Wilfrid said, with bitter coldness. ‘All she says is false. She does what she is ashamed of, and lies to conceal it for a few days or weeks.’

  ‘Do not let us even yet be sure,’ said Mrs. Baxendale, who was recovering her calmer judgment.

  ‘I am sure! Why should she keep the place secret? She fears that I should follow her? Could she not anywhere keep me off by her mere bidding? Have I been brutally importunate? What secret can exist that she might not disclose to me—that she was not bound to disclose? I thought her incapable of a breath of falsehood, and she must have deceived me from the first, from the very first!’

  ‘Wilfrid, that is impossible. I cannot abandon my faith in Emily. New you speak in this way, it convinces me that we are wrong, utterly and foolishly mistaken. I believe what she says here; she has not gone with him.’

  Wilfrid laughed scornfully.

  ‘It is too late; I can’t twist my belief so quickly. I do not need that kind of comfort; far easier to make up my mind that I have always been fooled—as I have!’

  He was beyond the stage at which reasoning is possible; reaction, in full flood, beat down the nobler features of
his mind and swamped him with the raging waters of resentment.

  So here was a myth well on its way to establishment. For no one could afford Mrs. Baxendale satisfactory news of Dagworthy. She would not take the only step which remained, that of openly avowing to his partner the information she desired to obtain, and getting him to make inquiries his partner appeared to be the only person in direct communication with Dagworthy. It had to be remembered that Emily’s own statement might be true; she must not be spoken of lightly. It was said that Mr. Legge, the partner, pooh-poohed the idea that Dagworthy was secretly married. But Mr. Legge might know as little as other people.

  There were circles in Dunfield in which another and quite a different myth grew up around the name of Emily Hood. The Cartwrights originated it. They too had received a mysterious note of farewell, and their interpretation was this Emily, they held, had gone to London, there to be happily married to a certain Mr. Athel, a gentleman of aristocratic appearance and enormously wealthy. Mrs. Baxendale heard this story now and again; she neither affirmed nor contradicted. Jessie Cartwright reflected much on Emily’s slyness in keeping her affairs so secret. She was not as envious as she would have been but for a certain compact which she was determined should not—if it lay in her power to prevent it—be some day laughed away as a mere joke. And had she not received, on the very eve of Dagworthy’s departure, a box of gloves, which could only come from one person?

  The second myth holds its ground, I believe, to the present day. The more mischievous fable was refuted before very long, but only when it had borne results for Wilfrid practically the same as if it had been a truth.

  CHAPTER XX

  WILFRID THE LEGISLATOR

  Let time and change do their work for six years and six months, their building and their destroying, their ripening for love, their ripening for death. Then we take our way to the Capital, for, behold, it is mid-season; the sun of late June is warm upon the many-charioted streets, upon the parks where fashion’s progress circles to the ‘Io Triumphe’ of regardant throngs, even upon the quarters where life knows but one perennial season, that of toil. The air is voiceful; every house which boasts a drawing-room gathers its five o’clock choir; every theatre, every concert-room resounds beneath the summer night; in the halls of Westminster is the culmination of sustained utterance. There, last night, the young member for a Surrey borough made his maiden speech; his name, Mr. Wilfrid Athel.