Claire was trying to formulate a response that masked the extent of her interest in the situation when Tony approached, relieving her of the necessity. She returned his greeting and, when she glanced back towards where Seth had been, he was gone. Claire turned back to her hostess, noting as Tony kissed Naomi’s cheek that this gentle, blond giant made Naomi seem petite in comparison. Naomi chatted on throughout the meal about nonsensical things: whether people were enjoying the food; if the music was loud enough; if it was getting too cold. Nodding along, Claire was instead focused on the look in Tony’s eyes as he watched his partner, and the way she, in turn, couldn’t seem to get close enough to him. His steady, strong nature complimented Naomi’s effervescence perfectly. Despite the doubts Naomi had expressed, Claire knew, somehow, that his combination simply worked. It seemed simple, and easy. If only things could always be so clear, Claire thought.
As most of the guests’ plates were tidied away, the music stopped and Seth walked confidently to the front of the crowd. Motioning them to silence, his deep voice thanked them for coming to celebrate Naomi’s birthday with them. He toasted his sister, and wished them all a festive evening. From somewhere at the back of the crowd someone started singing ‘happy birthday to you’, and soon everyone joined in. Stepping to the front Naomi bowed ironically, a happy smile on her face.
Soon afterwards, Naomi and Tony disappeared to organise dance music, and Claire stood alone. People milled all around, but she felt strangely solitary. She walked over to the railing at the edge of the raised deck, and gazed out at the night as the strains of ‘Sultans of Swing’ filled the air, and couples found each other to dance. Claire looked around and watched Naomi held close in Tony’s embrace, and then, out of the corner of her eye, saw Carol scouting about again for Seth. Claire refocused her attention on the stars above her. Whether or not Carol and Seth were together did not matter to her, she told herself impotently. Behind her turned back, the first dance was soon over, and people were calling for more. Boston’s ‘More than a Feeling’ started up.
And then, out of nowhere, Seth was there next to her. He held out a hand to her and, with only a moment of hesitation, she took it. Seth led Claire onto the dance floor, where she stood stiffly, uncertainly, in his arms. She was aware of Carol glaring at her. Apparently ignoring Claire’s efforts to keep some distance between them, Seth pulled her firmly against him, forcing her to slide her arms up and around his neck. Pressing closer against him, Claire gave up the struggle and leaned into him. It’s just a dance…, she told herself; there is nothing wrong with a dance. Her body was not listening to her mind. This was where she wanted to be, it insisted.
A tingling started in her toes, and worked its way right up through her body. The song was slow, the words haunting, and Claire was aware of nothing but Seth and the rhythm of his body. She hid her flushed face against his shoulder, shivering delicately as his fingers played up her spine. The song ended and was followed by a faster ballad, which went unnoticed. They stayed close, lost in their own world. Claire could hear each beat of Seth’s heart, and she knew he felt hers thudding against him. She wished they were alone, and then was glad they were not. Seth had a dangerous, explosive effect on her, and it seemed the closer she got to him the closer she wanted to be. He made her feel things that scared her: her attraction to him was powerful and undeniable.
The sudden start of a dance track shook Claire out of her trance, and she stepped slowly back from Seth. His hands lingered for longer than necessary on her hips, as if he was reluctant to let her go. Avoiding his eyes, Claire turned towards the bar area to get a fresh drink, and felt actual relief as another girl claimed Seth for the next few dances. She sat alone, apologetically refusing invitations to dance from eager young men while she sipped her glass of wine and struggled to wipe all thoughts from her mind. Brian, however, was insistent – and, taking her hand, he eventually pulled her laughing and protesting to the dancefloor.
Claire loved to dance, and soon her body flowed into the rock-and-roll beat of Fleetwood Mac’s ‘Go Your Own Way’. Unable to see Seth and enjoying herself at last, she let the music wash over her. She danced from group to group as partners cut in, thanking each for their time with glowing smiles. Many dances later, she paused to catch her breath and gulp down some water when she caught Seth’s eyes. She was shocked to see the smouldering anger in their brown depths. He was jealous. So, Claire thought before she could censor herself, you know what it’s like now, too. About to rejoin the dancers as one caught at her hand again, Claire halted as a firm grasp took her arm. Turning, she met Seth’s steely gaze, and her petitioning partner laughingly backed off, hands raised as if protesting his innocence. The lilting melody of Roberta Flack’s ‘Killing Me Softly’ started up, and silently Claire went into Seth’s arms.
This time, feeling the glow of the fairy lights, the company and the wine, Claire didn’t hesitate. She nestled against him willingly, hearing his sharp intake of breath as she slid her arms around his waist. Claire knew she shouldn’t have relaxed. The song passed in a daze and, at the end of it, she felt shaky and disoriented, almost unable to stand on her own. The music died down, but Seth still held her. Raising her eyes questioningly to his, she shuddered at the hunger she saw in his golden gaze.
Someone called Seth’s name and, as if hearing it from far away, he turned his head slowly. Pulling away from him, the spell broken, Claire retreated quickly away from the garden and into the house. Closing the bathroom door behind her, she stared into the mirror for a long time, until a semblance of calm came over her. Edging slowly back to the door, she saw Seth occupied in conversation with Simon. She sneaked off into the trees, not looking around. Leaving the lights and the people behind her, she retreated to the safety of her lodge. For the first time since being at Impunzi, she locked the lodge door.
Stripping off her clothes, she crawled into bed and tried to quiet the half of her that wished she were still in Seth’s embrace. The wind carried the sounds of the music to her. Eventually she fell asleep, her cheeks wet with confused tears.
Insistent knocking on the door dragged Claire out of her deep sleep. Groggily turning her alarm clock’s face so that she could see the time, she groaned; it was half-past seven. The knocking had to be Joseph with her breakfast. Pulling on her dressing gown, Claire opened the door.
Joseph greeted her cheerfully. “Morning, Miss Claire! I brought your breakfast early – hope that’s okay. Lots of people to feed today.”
Thanking him, Claire took the tray back to bed. After a few tentative nibbles to judge the delicacy of her stomach that morning, she thoroughly enjoyed the bacon, eggs and toast. Making her own tea, she was glad that she had organised with Joseph to have all her meals at the lodge today. Many people had slept over, and would only be leaving during the course of the day. After a leisurely shower, Claire felt revived and happy – as long as she blocked any thoughts of Seth from her mind. Soon, though, once she was up and dressed, she couldn’t stop her thoughts drifting back to their dance. The feel of his heartbeat, his strong arms around her… When she’d seen Seth’s jealousy, a spark of revenge had lit in her heart. She had momentarily forgotten her pledge to steer clear of him and, on some level, had wanted to reassure both of them that she had feelings only for him. Then she’d seen the naked hunger in his eyes and known it’d been a very bad idea.
Settling down to work in front of an open window, she laid out the storyboard for her next book. Puzzling and plotting, with frequent stops for fresh tea, she passed the morning hours. Claire decided to base her next set of books on an adventurous monkey called Shoko, who wandered off against his mama’s advice and got lost, finding himself too late in a dangerous situation… Sensing someone watching her, Claire jerked her head up. Seth stood silently in the doorway, bearing her lunch tray.
Grinning cheekily at her, he announced, “Lunch is served, Miss Claire.”
Helplessly smiling back at him, she took the tray. Her heart seemed to have simultan
eously dropped to the floor and flown into her mouth when she looked up at him.
Serious now, Seth looked her directly in the eye and complimented, “Claire, that painting you did for Naomi is incredible. You’ve captured the essence of Impunzi.”
Claire heard the sincerity in his voice and answered, falteringly. “I’m glad you… you both like it. I enjoyed painting it.”
As she finished her sentence, the lunch gong sounded. Hesitating for elastic seconds, as if he wanted to say more, Seth finally sighed, “I’ll see you tomorrow morning, okay?” With that, he was gone.
Claire rearranged the food on her plate, her appetite gone. The afternoon crept slowly by: she could not settle down to write. After spending too long on what became a seriously overworked sketch of the Shoko’s baboon nemesis – tall and powerful with smouldering, dark eyes – she ended up sitting against a tree trunk, facing the sun. Finally allowing her thoughts to run free, she re-lived the previous evening. It did no good. Seth had obviously not given their dance a second thought. Feeling confused and angry, Claire pushed herself up and stomped back to her lodge. Silently and again, she berated herself. Seth didn’t have anything long term in mind; he wanted her only physically. That was just not enough – and never would be enough – for her.
Forcing herself to eat most of the dinner Joseph had left by her door when she finally returned to her lodge, she then showered and, pulling on a warm tracksuit, determinedly opened her novel; soon she was engrossed again in the plot. But hours later, a loud, insistent knock on the door caused her to drop the book. Frightened at the knock’s urgency, she leapt off the bed.
“Claire? It’s just me.”
Immediate relief flooded through her body as she heard Seth’s calming tone. She opened the door as he continued reassuringly.
“Sorry if I frightened you – I’m just clumsy today. Your aunt phoned and will be calling back in half an hour. She says she’s not heard from you… I assured her you were fine, but she insists on speaking to you in person.”
A feeling of special warmth for her aunt melted away the last of Claire’s fear. She had been so engrossed in the novel that she had not heard Seth coming along the path – she’d been silly to feel so startled. Grabbing a jacket, she followed Seth to the house. The wind had risen, and the stars hung low in the inky sky. Without warning, a loud cackling sound rent the quiet night, and Claire jumped. Slipping his arm securely around her shoulders, Seth held her close to his side.
A shiver of guilt-ridden delight rippled through Claire as Seth lowered his head and whispered, in his deep voice, “It’s okay. Animal noises sound much closer at night.”
Accepting his reassurances, Claire quickly pulled away from the safe haven of his strong arms, and tried to talk lightly of her aunt’s tendency to worry.
Seth wondered at the deep sense of loneliness and unrest he had been feeling lately, a feeling that had peaked poignantly as Claire slipped out of his reach. He was doing everything he could to find innocent reasons to touch her. He had now given up trying to analyze her effect on him.
When they arrived at the house, Claire waited in the office for the expected call, while Seth went to make coffee. Soon, the shrill ringing of the telephone echoed in the silence.
Lifting the receiver, Claire greeted her aunt. Seth returned with a laden tray and, setting it down on the desk, he poured for both of them. This done, he sat himself down at his desk. Lifting his legs, he propped his feet up on top of the desk and placidly listened to Claire’s side of the converstation.
Claire wondered why Seth didn’t go out of the office. For some reason his presence didn’t seem exactly intrusive, but… How did he expect her to concentrate when he was so close, so watchful? Trying desperately to keep her voice normal, Claire assured her aunt that she was fine, and loving her stay in Zimbabwe. Meeting Seth’s steady gaze, she grinned as she assured her aunt that the Hendersons were being very good to her. Raising an interrogating eyebrow, Seth winked at her.
From then on, Claire found it difficult to concentrate on what Aunt Ellen was saying. She fidgeted with the phone cord, unable to bear the intensity of Seth’s eyes on her. Breaking contact with his smouldering gaze, Claire twisted around and perched on the edge of the desk, her back to him. Even then, she knew her answers were disjointed. She could still feel Seth’s attention boring into her. With a faltering voice, she told her aunt that the connection had become very bad, and that she would call her in a fortnight. Replacing the receiver, Claire swung around, affronted words ready on her tongue.
Still watching her with heavy-lidded, brooding eyes, Seth saw the emotions chasing across her expressive, flushed face. He saw anger, fear, confusion… and, unmistakably, arousal.
Claire felt her maelstrom of emotion fill the room with tension. Dashing for the door, she choked out, “I … don’t feel much like coffee now. I’m going back.”
Claire fumbled with the doorknob, turning it the wrong way in her haste. Seth had started up guiltily, and had crossed to her side in a moment. Vaguely, Claire wondered how a man of his size could move so quickly and quietly. Seth’s hand settled over Claire’s and turned the handle for her, opening the door to release her from her own panic. Refusing to turn and face him, Claire wished desperately that he would just let her go. She shivered as she felt his strong fingers draw away from hers, realising now that that was the last thing she had wanted. Lifting luminous eyes heavily to his, Claire saw the hunger she’d expected in his deep brown gaze, but also something complex and unspoken. Drawing a ragged breath, Claire whispered his name in a shaky, uncertain voice. “Seth…”
In their proximity, Claire could hear the strong, steady thud of his heart, and felt each rapid breath he drew. Slowly and dazedly, as if sleepwalking, she took a step forwards and slid her hands up Seth’s chest. The magic of his nearness swept her senses out of control. Claire raised herself onto her toes, opened her mouth in soft surrender and pulled Seth towards her. The kiss seemed to go on forever. Totally lost in the sensations he aroused, Claire leaned heavily into Seth, her fingers convulsively gripping his hair. The feelings he evoked were new and terrifying in their intensity. And suddenly too much for her to handle.
Claire forced her mouth from Seth’s; her hands tenderly but firmly guided his lips away.
They stared silently at each other. Claire felt dazed, and shocked at the storm of emotions she had just survived. Seth’s eyes delved into hers, as if he were transfixed. He tried to hide the shock of her effect on him. He wanted nothing more than to kiss her again, to mould her body to his. Giving a low groan he lowered his head but, with closed eyes, only rested his forehead against hers. He held her gently, loosely, as the storm of reaction in his body quieted to a dull ache.
After interminable minutes, Claire raised her head and, in a low, husky voice, spoke firmly. “I think I’d better go back to the lodge.”
Quietly, sincerely, Seth replied, “Claire, I want you to know that I didn’t plan on this happening. It just did. I’m sorry if…”
Claire placed her fingers gently against his warm, firm lips, cutting off the flow of disjointed words. Tears were already stinging her eyes. “Nothing happened,” she choked.
Mutely, Claire turned and opened the door, preceding him out of the office. They walked in silence back to the lodge, close but not touching each other. Opening the door for her, Seth leant down and gently brushed his lips against her forehead. The tenderness reflected in his golden eyes, and the butterfly softness of the kiss, melted Claire inside.
Watching him walk away, she wished her mother were still alive, or that Kacey were there to talk to, to advise her. Confused, panicking tears now coursing down her cheeks, Claire tiredly changed and got into bed. Never before had she understood that physical attraction between two people could be so powerful and electric. So completely unstoppable. Her awareness of Seth was a frightening, living thing, but deep inside she knew she wasn’t so weak as to give in only to that. What she felt was more than
just physical attraction. As a person he had gained her respect; she honestly liked and admired him, for who he was and what he had achieved. As a man he was the epitome of all she could wish for… or desire. Deep down in her heart, she acknowledged to herself that she felt connected to Seth, that he had become as necessary to her as the air she breathed. Strange that she had to come all the way from Ireland to find a man who moved her, who made her feel she had come home.
Sobbing softly in the darkness with the sheer weight of her feelings, Claire felt sickened at the possibility that, instead of sharing her hopes – hopes that, if realised, could erase all her doubt and guilt at once – there was so little chance that Seth could feel the same. He desired her, that was plain enough: the hunger in his eyes could not be mistaken. Her body caught alight when he touched her; she hated how much she lost control when he was close by. But surely there was more to it than animal lust? Claire’s tears started afresh. She knew what she felt, but also knew Seth didn’t have the same motives as she did for distancing himself. On some level, he had to know that it would have to be all or nothing for her – but Seth relied only on himself. He was so angry at God, and the world in general: he blamed God for all of the pain and loss in his life. If only, Claire wept, Seth would accept that God could heal his heart and erase the pain… but he didn’t believe that. He had no faith. Claire knew that she could never spend her life with someone who was so far removed from the most important part of it. She had to absorb the fact that Seth was simply not the man she needed him to be.
Knowing this, Claire prayed for the strength to resist should the time come when she felt she was losing her control again. Her beliefs were strong: the very foundation of her life. She could not compromise them, not even for Seth. The only way to avoid the temptation was to keep well away from him – but could she? Claire silently implored that she would have the strength to conquer her reaction to Seth. After long hours, exhausted, she slept.
Claire's Prayer Page 10
