Claire's Prayer

by Yvonne Cloete

  Claire nodded. “Then I – I think I’ll go and rest for a while, if that’s okay.”

  Seth paused, as though about to say something different, but eventually answered, “Okay. I’ll come and get you at about six.”

  Unable to bear the lost look in Claire’s eyes, he turned abruptly and strode off. He’d been trying as hard as he could to pick Claire apart in his mind, to find fault with her… But, he had to admit, she’d behaved brilliantly when it counted: she’d looked after Naomi, done most of the packing for her, found her some snacks for the journey – and she’d also immediately understood how much he needed to get home. She hadn’t helped his cause. Hurting, he kicked a rock, and watched it bounce away.

  Claire watched Seth walk towards his own cabin, her eyes clinging to his broad, strong back. She noticed that his hands were clenched into fists at his sides. She admired so much the way he’d sorted everything before burdening Naomi with the bad news. He was protective, caring and, judging by the way he’d acted around his panicking younger sister, far more considerate than she’d given him credit for. That was, she thought as she all but slammed her lodge door behind her, unhelpful.

  The inside of the lodge was lovely and cool after the sticky early-afternoon heat, and quiet after the crisis. Claire felt a little at a loss. Showering, she wrapped herself in a dressing gown and settled on the bed to try to read. The peace and delicious coolness of her sheet soon relaxed her and, before long, the exhaustion of emotion took hold of her. The words on the page in front of her merged together, and she fell asleep.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth! For your love is better than wine; your anointing oils are fragrant; your name is oil poured out; therefore virgins love you.

  Draw me after you; let us run.

  (Song of Solomon 1:2-8)

  For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

  (Romans 3:23)

  Seth, freshly showered, knocked on Claire’s door at five to six, but nothing stirred; all was quiet. Frowning, he knocked again, louder. Still nothing. Turning the door handle, he was momentarily relieved when the door swung silently inwards. At least she can’t have left, or she’d lock up, he thought. The small sitting room was empty, and so too the adjoining kitchen. Seth walked to the bedroom, where his eye focused on the sleeping form. Curled up facing him, a peaceful expression on her face, Claire slept on, unaware of his entrance. She had fallen asleep wearing only a gown, and now… In the split second he stood there, Seth felt the tightness of desire clench his stomach muscles, and his burning eyes clung to her feminine curves. In that one moment, he had to fight down an animal instinct to cross to the bed… But Seth turned quickly away, gasping with the shock of not knowing how to act.

  Claire opened her eyes at the inhalation, and saw Seth retreating before he managed to get out of the room. With a little cry of shock, suddenly realising that she was almost naked, Claire hastily grabbed the sides of her gown to try and cover herself more fully.

  Still with his back to her, Seth spoke from the bedroom doorway in a cracking voice. “I did knock, but you were asleep. Get dressed now – we have to go.” Taking a deep, steadying breath, he walked stiffly to the door and left her alone.

  Shaking, Claire quickly dressed, pulling on the jeans and light top she had left out to wear. With trembling hands, she fixed her hair and applied a sweep of lip gloss. Her lips felt full and sensitive, and the ache was back in her belly.

  Seth stood on the terrace of Claire’s lodge, looking out into the evening but seeing nothing. Hands pushed deep into his pockets, he fought to get control of himself. Over the last few days he’d been blocking her from his mind with varying success, but right now he needed Claire with a desperation that shocked and scared him. Raking an impatient hand through his hair, he wondered blindly where it would end.

  From the lodge doorway, Claire stood watching him, feeling awkward and empty. Finally she said his name, softly. “Seth.”

  He turned to face her, resignation and frustration on his face. Sighing deeply, he came over to her and silently they left the lodge.

  As Seth and Claire walked, each felt the other’s discomfort almost physically. Slowly, the mutuality of their feelings thawed their hostility. The accident of what had happened, which had disturbed them both so obviously, began to draw them together as though they were both its victims rather than its protagonists. As both of them had felt for months, it seemed events were overtaking them – that things were getting entirely out of their hands. As the soft night air breathed around them, their antipathy warmed to empathy and tenderness.

  By the time they approached Craig’s door, sensing Claire’s shyness and apprehension at the coming evening especially after what had happened, Seth slipped a comforting arm around her shoulders before he knocked, and Claire welcomed it.

  A boy of about five answered the door. Seeing that they were Seth’s, he threw himself at the legs in front of him, shouting, “Hey, Guy – come and see who’s here! It’s Uncle Seth, it’s Uncle Seth!”

  Lifting his arm from around Claire, Seth stooped down and picked up the wriggling boy. In a mock-stern voice, he said, “Listen up, Travis: this pretty lady is Claire. Say ‘hello’ to her.”

  Suddenly shy, Travis hid his face against Seth’s neck and muttered, peeking out, “Hello, Aunty Claire.”

  As Claire grinned up at the bashful boy’s face, Craig appeared holding his younger son. He deposited the boy in Seth’s free arm, and held his hand out to greet Claire. As Craig ushered them inside, she noticed he had an apron wrapped around his waist with a slogan splashed across it, and couldn’t help laughing as she read what it said: ‘My wife tells me I’m the boss – she even gave me permission to say so!’

  Closing the door behind them, he said, “Welcome, Seth; welcome, Claire! Cheryl’s just getting out of the bath – quite a feat, these days. Travis, Guy, go and play a while, okay?”

  Swatting the boys playfully on their bottoms as they ran off, he led Seth and Claire out onto the terrace. A lovely braai area had been built: a fire already blazed under its grate, and a table to the side held plates, assorted sauces and covered salad bowls. Craig shouted to Cheryl to “Hurry up – our guests have arrived!”, and offered them each a drink. Travis and Guy rushed outside, whooping like monkeys, and following them was a woman in the chicest maternity dress Claire’d ever seen.

  Leaving Claire’s side, Seth went to her with a wide grin. He hugged her, and said, “Hey there, pregnant lady! How are you?” Without waiting for an answer, propelling her forward, he introduced her to Claire.

  Very soon, Claire felt completely at home. Cheryl was friendly and open, and Craig always joking and easy to get on with. The food was heavenly, too; Cheryl had really gone out of her way, making different salads and a delicious potato dish. The two boys, who obviously loved Seth, were adorable. Overcoming his shyness, Travis had sidled back up to Seth and had soon curled up on his lap, where Seth’s strong arms were circled around him. Likewise, Guy had cuddled up on her lap. She delighted in the feel of the small warm body, leaning trustingly against her. And, as Claire watched Seth holding the little boy, a strange tightness gripped not her stomach, but her heart. She lost her breath, and actually felt the blood drain from her face.

  She loved him. That was what all the confusion and frustration were about. She loved Seth. Totally, completely, eternally. She’d been telling herself it was just some silly infatuation, but how could she have been so blind? As if sensing a change in her, Seth looked over. Taking in her stricken look and her ashen face, he crossed over to her quickly, still holding the boy.

  “Claire, what’s wrong? Are you okay? You’ve gone very pale. What is it?”

  Seth’s proximity wasn’t helping her, but she heard the concern in his voice. Shaking her head, she tried to answer calmly. “I’m okay, honestly… I just felt a little dizzy for a moment. But I’m fine now – thanks, Seth.” She tried to laugh off his soli
citude.

  Nevertheless, balancing a sleepy Travis on his hip, Seth carried two chairs over to the fireside for her and Cheryl, and instructed them firmly to look after themselves. Realising that all eyes were on her as she picked up Guy and joined Cheryl in the warmth, Claire hastily asked, “Seth, did Naomi get back safely?”

  Distracted, Seth answered her. “Yes – she called from the Baobab Hotel. They’ll be in Bulawayo by ten thirty tonight.”

  Claire felt strangely removed from everything after that. She spoke to Cheryl about her pregnancy and the boys, and their life in Zimbabwe in general. She even joked with Craig. But Seth was at her side all the time, and she was aware of his every move, and every breath.

  Soon after dinner, the boys were put to bed by Craig, and Claire was touched that they both gave her a hug and kiss in farewell. Then a bottle of wine was opened, and the conversation flowed for the rest of the evening. All the while, Claire half-watched Seth. She envied the woman who would have the privilege of winning his love, and bearing his children. He would be a loving husband and father, she just knew it.

  Rather later, Cheryl stifled a yawn and Seth, noticing this, stood and held out his hand to help Claire to her feet.

  “Thanks so much Craig, Cheryl, for a lovely evening,” he said warmly. “Your turn to visit us at Impunzi next, okay?”

  Cheryl and Craig walked them to the front door, where they thanked them for coming, wished them safe travel for the next day and, concernedly, sent their love to Naomi and Tony. Craig promised to let Seth know when Cheryl had the baby, jokingly adding that they hoped that this time they had the recipe right for a girl!

  Claire and Seth chatted jovially on their walk back across the hotel grounds, praising Cheryl’s hospitality and Craig’s good humour, but much too soon they were in front of Claire’s lodge. With a compulsion far beyond her control, Claire did not want Seth to go – not yet. She felt deeply that the night had potential for magic, and she was somehow, senselessly, driven to let it take its course. Instead of saying goodnight, Claire asked, nervously, “Would you like to come in for coffee, Seth?”

  Seth regarded her searchingly. He, too, felt that something was happening over which he had no power. He didn’t have the energy to fight against it any longer. He answered, at last, “Yes, thanks. A cup of coffee would be great right now.”

  Claire got as far as filling the kettle with water.

  Sliding his arms around her, Seth drew Claire unresistingly back against him. Claire wondered dazedly if he had read her mind, or if he felt the same as she did, as though she was being carried on waves against which she couldn’t swim. Seth’s hands held her lightly as he nuzzled her neck, kissing her madly-beating pulse. Drawing a strangled breath, Claire dropped the kettle into the basin. Seth turned her urgently into his arms, his eyes burning hungrily into hers, and Claire was lost in the maelstrom of emotions he released in her.

  Claire awoke slowly, in increments. Her body felt sore, as though she’d been for a run already. Flashes of recollection raced through her mind: Seth lowering his tender, searching mouth to hers; her hands tracing out the contours of his heavily-muscled shoulders; separated from sanity, she’d gripped him with fierce urgency; she’d clung to him as he swung her up into his arms and carried her through to this room… As it had done the evening before, weakness invaded Claire’s limbs, and a deep groan issued from the depths of her soul. Despite all of her determination her body had betrayed her and she’d given him her most precious gift – her body and her heart. Claire’s mind raced in shame and desperation. Above all, she recited, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. She reluctantly opened her eyes.

  Seth was already up, and dressed. Silently, he offered her a cup of tea. Returning to stand by the window, he faced her and spoke in a tense voice.

  “I hope there will be no repercussions from last night, Claire.” Seeing her frown, he continued, “You are on the pill, aren’t you?”

  Claire stared at him through burning eyes. She felt all her heat rise to her cheeks, and an icy chill spread over her body. She pulled the blankets around herself. Without thinking she said, bitterly, “Don’t worry about it, Seth.”

  “Good,” he muttered softly, walking towards the door. “Don’t go making more of this than there is, Claire. This attraction has been between us from the beginning. We both knew it would come to this eventually. It doesn’t need to obligate either of us in any way. You understand, don’t you, Claire?”

  Trying to control the shudders that threatened to shake her apart, Claire answered as clearly as she could. “Yes, I understand, Seth. Now please go, so I can get up.”

  Looking relieved, Seth put down his cup and walked to the door. He turned when he got there, and Claire hoped once more that he was going to utter a reprieve.

  “I’ll pick you up in an hour,” he said, and left.

  Chapter Fifteen

  If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

  (1 John 1:8-9)

  We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed.

  (1 Corinthians 15:51)

  When Seth knocked on the door, Claire was ready.

  After he’d left her that morning, she had no longer been able to stop the tide of her tears. They’d flowed, soaking her pillow, and great shuddering sobs had shaken her body. Claire felt empty, alone and used. How could Seth have taken her love, and turned it into a cheap one-night stand? Was he so scared of commitment – or just commitment to her?

  Claire thought back, running her mind over all the moments that had led to this mistake. She had always wanted to save her virginity for her husband; it had been so important, and now… Now it was gone. Lost. Taken. Claire trembled as she recalled how Rory had once tried to convince her into making love, how outraged she’d been, and how easy she’d found repelling him. Claire wiped the tears impatiently from her cheeks, acknowledging that what she felt for Seth and anything she’d thought she felt for Rory were oceans apart. Closing her puffy eyes she silently and brokenly spoke to God, desperately seeking forgiveness and peace for her shattered heart.

  Eventually, the tears had stopped. Standing under a hot shower, Claire had tried to block the hurt and the feeling of being used from her mind. She’d washed herself roughly, trying to erase her deceptive memories: Seth muttering her name hoarsely as he kissed the tender line of her jaw… her whole body quivering, tight as a bow string… feeling as if she were climbing to the stars, higher and higher… Seth speaking softly, “I didn’t know, honey – you didn’t say. Are you okay?”

  Dressing hurriedly in jeans and a plain, warm cotton blouse, she’d packed her belongings and was now sat, waiting. By the time Seth’s knock came, she was calm. Numb.

  Now Claire looked at Seth and saw a stranger; nothing penetrated the veil of her pain. Returning his terse greeting vaguely, she followed him to the BMW. For once not interested in the scenery and wildlife, she closed her eyes and fell asleep.

  Seth glanced at her often, noting the shadows under her eyes – and the traces of her tears. What did she expect from him now? A lifetime commitment, because he had taken her virginity? She had been a willing partner, he knew that. Completely willing: it had been very good between them; they were good together. But just by looking at her, he knew that she would never consent to having an affair with him. With Claire, Seth scoffed to himself bitterly, it would have to be spiritual. Holy. Intolerable.

  Squashing the rebellious tenderness that filled his heart as he looked at her, Seth turned his eyes away and put the radio on. His life had become much too complicated since Claire had entered it. He felt she’d forced him almost to want things he had always rejected: permanent things, things that tied a person down and made him vulnerable. He didn’t want to care about Claire. One day, something would happen to him, or to her, and then there would be only mor
e emptiness and suffering. It was better to stay alone, not to get too involved or too close to anyone. But Seth could not block the images of their loving from his mind.

  Claire woke up at Impunzi. The slam of Seth’s car door broke through the mists of her sleeping mind, and she watched him stride away towards the main house. Grabbing her luggage, she went directly to the lodge. Claire’s hands shook as she began to unpack, but she remained dry-eyed, focused on the radio she’d turned up to block out her thoughts. After half an hour, as Claire closed her wardrobe, there was a knock on the door. Claire froze. Resolving herself, she crossed the room and flung it open before her nerve could fail. But it wasn’t Seth. It was Joseph, bearing a tray.

  At the sight of Joseph’s kind, lined face, something in Claire gave way; tears spilled from her eyes before she could stop them. Joseph hastily put down the tea tray and gently guided her to a chair. She felt the gentle touch of his big hand as he patted her on the shoulder until her breathing calmed. Joseph just stood beside her, letting her tears fall. Eventually, Claire felt some tissues being pressed into her clenched hands and took them gratefully. Joseph waited until she looked up at him and then asked, softly, “Why’re you so sad, Miss Claire?”

  Sighing deeply, Claire watched as he poured her a cup of tea. “Sorry, Joseph,” she said at last. Then, lamely, she added, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me today.”

  Crouching to bring their faces to a level and laying his weathered hand gently over hers, Joseph said reassuringly, “Don’t be sorry, Miss Claire. It’s good to cry. Crying lets out all the hurt from inside. Is it your parents – d’you miss them?”

  Sipping the tea, Claire answered truthfully. “I miss them so much, Joseph. I have to keep reminding myself that I will see them again one day, but… it’s so hard. I need them.”