by Tessa Dawn
“Are we not even friends, that you can ask me my thoughts?” Kagen said. He wasn’t sure where the query had come from, but she was keeping such a safe distance between them, ever since he had kissed her on the mountain. She had walked for three straight hours beside Marquis—and that had to be one hell of a stilted conversation—and then she had chosen to follow Nathaniel, and then Nachari, anything, to avoid being close to Kagen.
The realization was infuriating.
Humiliating.
But what could he do? He had no rights to this woman.
So, why then, did he feel like he had every right to every part of her?
She appraised him thoughtfully. “We are friends.” A sly smile crossed her mouth. “You are like the brother I never had.”
“Brother?” Kagen said, appalled by the chaste terminology. “I am not at all like a brother to you, Arielle.”
“I only meant that—”
“You meant that we share the same father-figure, which technically makes us like brother and sister.” He shook his head, feeling like a scrawny teenager who had just been picked last for the team. Hell’s bells—enough was enough. “I know what you meant, Arielle.” He pitched his voice lower, in a silken drawl. “But you forget that I am Vampyr: I can hear the beat of your heart, the way it races whenever you are in my presence. I can feel the catch in your throat, sense the chills that race up and down your spine. And I can still taste the honey on your lips.” He ran his tongue along the tips of his fangs, willing them to stay as they were. “You may not want me for your lover, but it is how you see me.” The words seemed unnecessarily bold, perhaps even a bit indecent, but he couldn’t help but speak them. They were true, and now that he knew she would be coming back to Dark Moon Vale—with or without her consent, with or without his consent—he dared to be just a tad more assertive, to explore their connection a little bit further.
She stopped about five feet in front of him and then abruptly gazed at the sky. “It is a beautiful night, don’t you think?” All things considered, she had handled it well.
“Come closer,” he beckoned, knowing he was no longer playing fair.
She shook her head and dug in her heels. “You know I can’t.”
“Why not?” he asked.
It was a stupid question, not to mention redundant. He already knew why not. Still, it didn’t hurt to ask, if only because it might make her reconsider her answer.
She huffed in exasperation. “I just…because…”—and then she appeared to pull an answer right out of the air—“because I have no way of knowing if my actions are my own or if they’re being forced…or coerced…you know, due to vampiric compulsion.”
He bit his lower lip. Really? So this was how she intended to sidestep the issue? He raised one brow: It was clever—he would definitely give her that—but it was also absolute nonsense, and that he could not abide. “What do you mean, Arielle?” He rolled her name off his tongue in a thick Romanian accent, and she almost swayed where she stood.
She swallowed hard, trying to collect her wits. “I mean…” The woman had a bit of the devil in her, and it only made him like her more. “That if I simply do your bidding, like a servant, like a puppet”—she squared her jaw to him in an impressive display of defiance—“even in a matter as menial as coming to you when you call, then I will never know if I obeyed you out of coercion or came out of free will. And I am nobody’s lackey, Mr. Silivasi.” She smoothed out the front of her parka, although the gesture made no difference in the wrinkles, whatsoever. “I will never know if I did it because I wanted to or because I had to.” She plastered a congenial smile on her face and shrugged apologetically. “You said yourself—you’re Vampyr. You have the power to make things as you wish. And I am simply human. I don’t even have the ability to know whether or not you are compelling me: a lion and a lamb. Is that what you want?” She batted her long, curly eyelashes without even realizing she was doing it. Oh, she was really, really good.
Kagen frowned. “Arielle…”
She waved a delicate hand through the air in quaint dismissal. “It doesn’t matter, Kagen. I’m sure you’re a male of integrity. I am. It’s just…since I can’t be sure whether or not you’re compelling me, I don’t want to take any chances.”
Kagen nodded as if he truly understood. “I have never compelled you to do anything, sweeting,” he said softly. “And it troubles me deeply to think you might question my abuse of power.”
She shrugged and forced a smile. “Okay.”
Okay? If redirection, dismissing the subject, was an Olympic event, this woman would win a gold medal. “You don’t believe me?”
She sighed. “I don’t know what to believe. A lot has happened in a short amount of time.” She looked sincerely confused, and that’s when Kagen knew that, beneath all the tongue-and-cheek antics, she was genuinely concerned.
He lost the playful tone. “What has happened between us, this far, that leads you to believe I have countermanded your free will?”
“Countermanded?”
“Overruled, gone against it, ignored it, Arielle.”
She frowned. “You mean, other than that first night in the cave when Nachari tried to take my memories?”
Kagen felt like an utter heel. “I already apologized for my behavior, sweeting. But if you need to revisit it again, we can. One thing I will tell you, with absolute certainty, is this: There was no compulsion involved that night. However inappropriate my behavior may have been, it was unconscious, a reaction, instinct, pure and simple; it had nothing to do with manipulating your free will…or even my own. It just happened.”
Arielle nodded. “I know that. I do.” She appeared to be thinking it over, and then she surprised him with her next question. “And today, earlier, on the mountain? When…when you…” She bit the inside of her cheek, blushed a pale shade of pink, and stopped talking. Apparently, she couldn’t even speak the words…
“When I kissed you?”
“When I kissed you back,” she said boldly. “Was that forced? Was it a compulsion?”
Kagen had to suppress a chuckle. He didn’t know whether to be flattered or insulted. First, she hadn’t really kissed him back—she had pulled away so quickly. And second, her emotions had been so raw, so vulnerable, yet so clearly infused with genuine desire, whether she understood it or not. “That was me being me, and you being you. There was no compulsion.”
She nodded and retreated within her shell once more. “If you say so.”
If I say so? He didn’t respond out loud, and apparently, he didn’t have to.
Arielle sighed in apology. “It’s not that I think you’re lying, Kagen. Truly. The point is: I just wouldn’t know the difference, either way. And I don’t want to take that chance.”
Now this bothered him.
If she did turn out to be his destiny, how could she ever trust any of her actions with him? How could she possibly trust her words, never knowing if they had been coerced or not? If they had been hers…or his?
And if she did not turn out to be his destiny, which was likely to be the case, how could she ever adjust to life in a different realm, come to know and depend upon the Silivasi family, if she believed vampires were nothing more than charlatans, supernatural magicians who imposed their will on others by playing constant mind games? In the blink of an eye, Kagen made a decision: He would show her very clearly what compulsion was. He would give her a standard by which to compare the two polarities: free will versus vampiric coercion. Then, whether she was his destiny or not, she would never doubt his psychic intrusion again.
“Why are you out here in the night with me, Arielle?” he asked dryly. “Wouldn’t you be much safer with my brothers?” Her eyes shot to his in immediate alarm, and that was all he needed. He locked his gaze with hers and infused it with preternatural power. “Come to me,” he drawled. He waved her forward with his hand, but the gesture was really unnecessary: His voice was a chilling command, darkly sensuous, and laced wit
h the strength of his will.
She froze.
She looked at him with a passing flicker of understanding in her eyes; opened her mouth to refuse; and then began to march steadily in his direction, placing one foot in front of the other as if some unseen inertia compelled her forth.
Kagen leaned back against the tree and waited, guiding her forward with his eyes.
When, at last, she began to tremble, he knew she felt the full power of his coercion, the magnetic pull that was beyond attraction or mere acquiescence, the irresistible force that demanded submission. But she had feared him before. Compulsion was something much stronger. She stopped about two feet in front of him, and he slowly shook his head. “Closer,” he whispered, “until we are touching.”
Arielle shuffled forward.
She took two small steps, and then she inched her feet along the ground until her toes were touching his.
“Better,” he whispered, his voice still laced with imperious command. “Now, look at me.”
Her eyes locked indelibly with his, the soft, iridescent irises betraying the presence of alpha waves, a form of waking hallucination, in their depths. “Kiss me, Arielle.”
She rose up to her toes, as graceful as a gazelle, and pressed her mouth to his. Her eyes were so wide with terror that he almost released her, but then he saw something else in their depths: hunger, need, and longing.
Feelings he hadn’t commanded but simply revealed.
He kissed her with a passion he had no right to display, and she responded in kind, encircling his shoulders with her arms, clutching his hair in her hands. She moaned into his mouth, and he almost felt faint—he hadn’t compelled that either.
Forcing himself to pull away, lest he take advantage of something that started out as a lesson, he reined in his desire and released her from his hold. “Now that is compulsion,” he said firmly, feeling a bit like a lecherous jerk.
Arielle stepped back and blinked several times, as if coming out of a trance. She brought her hand to her mouth, lightly touched her lips, and stared at him with a mixture of shock and confusion in her now-shadowed eyes.
“When you feel like a puppet,” Kagen said evenly, “when you sense that you are being pulled through a dense, indefinable fog, when the words you hear are dreamlike and your body moves of its own accord, that is compulsion.” He kept his hands religiously at his sides. “It is very different from inner conflict or battling one’s own emotions. The latter originates inside of you—the former is forced upon you. ”
Arielle clasped her hand over her mouth and shivered. She looked absolutely horrified.
“I’m sorry,” Kagen whispered. “But now, you will never have to wonder. You will always know the difference.”
When a single tear escaped her eye and trickled down her cheek, he felt like more than just a lecherous jerk—he felt like a complete and utter ass, an absolute bully. Okay, so maybe it had been a terrible idea, after all. “Arielle…”
“No.” She took a cautious step backward. “Why would you?” She cleared her throat. “Didn’t it ever occur to you…” She shook her head to dismiss the thought. “Never mind.” She turned on her heels and started to walk away; and then, just as suddenly, she stopped in place, glanced over her shoulder, and took a deep, steadying breath. Spinning around to face him once more, she stared at him bravely. “So my coming to you was compulsion, but my wanting to do so was not. My kissing you was coerced, but my reaction was genuine. You sought to teach me a lesson, while I succumbed to…need. You must feel very satisfied. You are a good teacher, Kagen Silivasi: I get the difference now. Thank you.”
The words were delivered with more bluntness than spite, yet Kagen felt their sting.
For a moment, he almost wished she had just stepped forward and slapped him—it would have been far easier to take. “Once again, you misinterpret my intentions, Arielle.” He scrubbed his face in his hands. This was maddening.
Hopeless!
And why he felt so compelled to keep trying remained a mystery.
Surely she had to be his destiny—his brothers might be right—why else would he keep putting himself through such torture, stuffing his foot in his mouth, time and time again?
He held up his hands in helpless petition, beseeching her with his eyes. “Tell me what you want from me, Arielle. Name it, whatever it is, and I will do it.”
She looked momentarily speechless. “What I want?”
“Yes,” he whispered, feeling more exasperated than ever.
“Haven’t you been listening to a word I’ve said?”
“I have,” he replied. He was about two seconds from falling to his knees. “And you continue to tell me what you don’t want…what you don’t like…what I keep doing wrong. Please, just once, tell me what you do want, Arielle. They are not the same thing.”
She threw up her hands in frustration. “I want…I want…I don’t want to be used like a puppet.” She was doing it again.
Still, he held his breath and listened.
“I don’t want you to come into my life, into my dangerous, impossible world, and turn it upside down, just to ultimately leave it—and me—like some broken, used-up toy you’ve grown tired of. I don’t want…” Her voice trailed off.
“You still haven’t—”
“I don’t want to get hurt!” She rushed the words, and he held his tongue, not daring to interrupt. “There is no room inside me for any more hurt, Kagen. Surely, you can understand this. Could you bear to lose your brother again? To find your father, just to be separated in the end? I know you could not.”
Kagen nodded slowly, but he didn’t let up. “You are still avoiding the question, Arielle: Tell me what you want.”
She breathed a heavy sigh. “I lost my mother when I was only ten, Kagen. I have never had a father. I was a slave for nearly eight years, and I have had to live hand-to-mouth, week to week, always on the run from a merciless king that would take me, and claim me, and abuse me if he could. I have never had a real family. I have never known true tenderness. I have never felt passion, and I don’t want to because there is no place in my world for it to exist. Can you understand that?”
“I can.” Gods, he felt abominable for pushing her like this, yet he knew, somewhere deep inside, that if they didn’t break through this, here and now, they never would. “Yet again, you tell me what you don’t want.”
“By all the ancestors, you are infuriating!” Her eyes flashed a deeper shade of opal-blue, and she planted her hands on her hips. “What difference does it make, what I want, when this world cares not at all for my kind…for women. Why do you push me, knowing that I cannot return your affection? Knowing that we come from different worlds, and we always will?”
Now was not the time to tell her that her last sentence was not entirely true; that, if his brothers had anything to do with it, she would be returning to his world, one way or the other. Besides, he had given Nachari his word. “Because I am utterly helpless before you, Arielle.” He spoke softly but with conviction. “Because your every need, your every longing, your every sorrow pierces my heart like a blade I can’t remove. Because I want to please you so badly; yet, time and time again, I fail so miserably; and even as you push me away, I am helpless to go… I must stay. I must try. It is not a choice.”
“Then why can’t you just—”
She withdrew from the statement as if the words had been a branding iron that nearly scorched her skin. She concentrated on her breathing instead. “And what if what I want is something entirely different than what you imagine? What if it’s not something you are willing to give?”
Kagen’s heart nearly skipped a beat. Then there was something she wanted from him. “What is it?”
“Well, it’s not to have a torrid affair with a vampire that is doomed to end badly, a meaningless tryst that will ultimately break my heart.”
“Arielle, tell me what you want.”
“It’s not to walk in the footsteps of my mother, and—�
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“Arielle, tell me what you want!”
All the air seemed to leave her body as she visibly deflated. “Why can’t you just…”
Kagen waited with bated breath for her last word. When it never came, he prompted her one more time. “Just what, Arielle? Why can’t I just…what?”
She averted her gaze. “Nothing.”
“Just what, Arielle?”
She wrapped her arms around her chest, hugging herself like a child, and her body began to tremble.
“Talk to me, sweeting,” Kagen cajoled, forcing himself to avoid the use of compulsion—gods knew, he wanted to take the information from her mind, so badly.
When, at last, she began to speak, her voice dropped to such a low whisper that, even with his hyper-acute hearing, he had to strain to hear her words. “All my life, for me, growing up in Mhier…whenever a man wanted a woman, it was more of a threat than an endearment.” She bit her bottom lip and shifted her weight nervously from foot to foot. “A promise of dominance…or degradation…but rarely an act of love. Your passion overwhelms me, Kagen. It both frightens and intrigues me; but the truth is, I am not the beautiful, desirable woman you think I am. I’m just a girl, a woman, who has never even been held.” She turned a pale shade of what Kagen could only call alabaster. “How can you expect me to respond to you with passion or affection, when I don’t even know what it is to feel safe, to feel wanted…to just be held?”
Kagen stood in stunned silence as her words settled over him like frost on a winter’s day. By all the celestial gods in the heavens, he wanted to go to her, take her in his arms, and never let her go, but he had to proceed with caution. “You are the beautiful, desirable woman I think you are, Arielle.” His voice thickened with conviction. “And I am not the monster you would make of me: one who could ever hurt you, degrade you, or do anything other than worship you. I would love to hold you, sweeting. No passion. No desire. No demands. Just once, to show you what it is to be safe, to be wanted…to be held.” He momentarily closed his eyes. “My arms ache with the need.”
