The early morning went by as expected. My usual costumers came and went. I served breakfast and coffee, and made small talk with the locals. Now, I could easily balance a tray with four to five loaded plates to the tables without wobbling. I was easily falling into place at this small town diner.
The crew accepted me as part of their small, mismatched family. I smiled as Tiffany complained about her teens at home. I laughed at George and his cheesy jokes. I stood out back with Cindy on her breaks while she smoked. I realized now, at what could be the end of my waitressing career, that I had finally been accepted somewhere. Not as the Kallie I projected to those around me, but as the Kallie that was sick of pretending and hiding. The Kallie that just realized she let her guard down, and yet these people still accepted and loved her for who she was. As broken and confused as she was.
I cleaned up after the breakfast rush and filled ketchup bottles while I debated what the next few days would hold. I wanted to stay. A huge part of me felt anchored here. My chest didn't feel as crushed, my head not so foggy, and my heart a little lighter. The only thing that kept me from hiding away here forever was my guilt and fear.
Every time I realize that Ryder made me feel a way I never felt before, I felt like I'm cheating. I felt like I was disgracing the memory of Carter and what we had together. I wanted to be true to him. I wanted to think I was someone that was worthy of the love he gave me. I couldn't deny that what I was feeling now was special and something new.
I often laid awake at nights, next to Ryder while he slept, and wondered when was it okay to let go. When was it acceptable to move on and find something new to fill the hole in my heart I had? What would people think, and did I even care about other's opinion anymore?
As much as I wanted to, I couldn't avoid my parents forever. They were my parents and gave me everything I ever wanted and needed out of life. It was my own fault for being so pliable that I let them mold me and govern me. And as inexperienced and naive as I was, I wasn't completely stupid either.
The words and actions from Ryder did little to keep the fear and guilt away. His words came in moments of passion and lust, when our brains were the least functioning parts of our bodies. Even though he said I could stay, I couldn't see myself moving into their apartment and entering a life of domestic bliss with someone I barely knew. Especially someone that was known for his allergy to commitment and attachment.
The bustle of the lunch rush pulled me out of my thoughts and I shook my head to clear my mind. I headed back to the tables and waited on the customers. The summer was at it’s height and I struggled to keep the glasses full of ice and lemonade. My feet started to ache, but I knew it was nearing the end of my shift.
I approached my last table of one. I sighed and knew once I got this customer out of here, I could clock out and get out of this hideous polyester uniform.
"What can I get you this afternoon, sir?" I asked as I placed a tall glass of water on the table and wiped the condensation off of my hands on my skirt.
"The BLT good?" he asked me.
He looked up from his menu and my heart jumped and lodged in my throat. Crystal blue eyes stared up into mine, widening with recognition. His blonde hair was longer than the last time I had seen him and he looked like he’d skipped a few days of shaving. My heart ached with the familiarity and resemblance in his face.
He had the same dimples and freckles as his little brother had, although his smile was gone, along with the dimples. His face wasn't as innocent and young as Carter's, but just as inviting and trusting. With him sitting in front of me, Carter's face appeared and burned into my vision. His image so clear in my memory.
"Josh," I said in barely a whisper. My knees grew weak and I faltered slightly. Josh jumped from his seat and guided me by the elbow to the seat in front of him.
"Kallie, what are you doing here? Everyone has been worried sick about you," he said as he slid his glass of water over to me.
I took it with shaking hands. Carter's brother was here, in my own little world, and brought with him the baggage of home and everything that came with it. Feelings, thoughts, and fears that I spent all summer avoiding and running from.
"I work here," I said lamely, knowing this answered nothing.
"I see that," he countered. "But why here? Your mother said she didn't know where you were and hasn't been able to get ahold of you."
"I told them I was at Georgetown," I admitted. "What are you doing here?"
"I needed closure," he said, giving me a burning look, as if he knew he wasn't the only one. I just nodded in agreement. "You didn't need to disappear for that," he said, anger clearly laced in his voice.
"I know. My car broke down, and then," I paused, unsure how to explain why I was still here, car problems or not. "I just couldn't go back."
Josh reached across the table and held my hand that was still wrapped around the glass.
"Everything okay?" I looked up to see Cindy with her hands on her hips, glaring down at Josh.
"Yes," I assured her. "An old friend."
"Did you want to order?" she snipped at him. I was shocked to see her hostility towards him and concern for me. Cindy gave the impression she didn't care about anybody or what they thought.
"Just another water, please," he said politely.
Cindy stormed off, looking back at me for reassurance. I nodded so she reluctantly went to retrieve the water and returned to place it in front of Josh.
"Did you see it?" he finally asked me when she sulked away. The pain and pity in his eyes made me feel right at home, and not in the good way.
"Yes," I nodded.
"Kallie, you missed a lot back home," he started. "There was a lot of information pouring in about the accident, and you were just gone."
"I know. I just couldn't handle it anymore. I had to get away."
"I get that. I really do, believe me. You could have checked in from time to time, though," he said giving me a smile that was so familiar it ripped at my insides. I could only nod while I choked down the tears threatening to make their way out. "Where have you been staying?"
"I met some really nice people that took me in while I waited for my car," I half lied. Scarlett really took me in. Ryder dealt with me because he had to.
"Are you okay?" he asked, looking at me with worry and concern.
"I'm fine." At least that was true.
"Look, Kallie, I should fill you in. The police report came back from the accident. The roads were wet and apparently another car swerved, causing Carter to drive off the road," he explained, tilting his head to read my face.
"And into the tree," I finished for him.
"Yes," he said quietly. "There were no charges. The driver was drinking, but just under the limit. Apparently, there is such a thing as not drunk enough. The driver and passenger stopped to try to help him." He stopped, his voice thick with emotion. "I came here to meet him. To face who I feel is at fault for his death."
My head swam and my body tingled from the blood leaving my extremities. I clenched the end of the table to stable myself. I swallowed repeatedly to keep the cries down inside, where they belonged. I hadn't thought to place blame, to seek closure. I just knew he was gone and left a gaping, bleeding hole in me. I stood on weak legs and strode out of the diner and into the hot air.
I gasped with the thickness and humidity in the air. The sun scorched my skin and my sore feet continued to carry me away from Josh's calling voice. When his hands finally grabbed my hand and spun me around to face him, I let the tears fall. He pulled me into his arms and stayed silent while I soaked his shirt with my tears.
When I felt empty again and the tears dried up, he pushed away to look down at my face. His blue eyes reminded me of Carter's. I had to look away.
"You should come with me, Kallie," he suggested.
"I don't think I can," I said, shaking my head and backing away from him.
"I think you need to," he urged, holding me still by my shoulders. "You need clo
sure and you need to move on."
I looked up at him in shock and confusion. "Move on?"
"Yes," he said in a gentle voice. "We all miss him, and loved him, but you don't deserve to be hurting like this."
"I'm not," I lied.
"You are. I can see it in your eyes. In your face."
I backed away. "No."
"Yes, Kallie. We need to do this. This wasn't his fault. Someone screwed up and caused him to lose control, ending his life. I need this. You need this."
Josh didn't wait for me to agree. He took my elbow and slowly led me over to his jeep that sat parked in the lot next to the diner. He opened the door for me and I climbed in. He got in the driver's seat and started it up. He looked over at me and waited. I didn't know if he was waiting for agreement or for refusal. He wasn't going to get either one from me.
As he pulled out onto the road, I felt the numbness blanket over me again. A cover of indifference and unfeeling washed over. I didn't realize that the cover had lifted until it snapped back in place. We drove past the garage and the apartment, and I felt more immobilized the further we became from the places I once felt something.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Kallie
It didn't take long for us to reach the tree. I stared out the open car window at the large maple. I remembered our previous scuffle months before. I could feel the bark under my balled fists again. I could smell the damp grass and dirt. I felt the loneliness and despair that I harbored the last time I collapsed at the base of this tree.
I could feel Josh's eyes on me as he slowly opened his door, waiting for me to do the same. The old Kallie in me complied and obediently opened her door. I slowly approached the spot that brought me here in the first place. I didn't think about the times and experiences between then and now. I just thought about everything leading up to the day I fled my house and landed on the ground here.
Some photos were still nailed to the trunk. Moss grew up the side of the tree and the grass was thicker, growing over the tire tracks that were once there. The weather, or people, had removed some of the notes of memories and condolences.
I picked up a note from a name I didn't recognize about how much they missed him. I briefly thought of how pointless the gesture was. Carter wasn't going to stop by the tree to read the notes. This wasn't a mailbox that we could send messages to our lost ones. It was just a tree. Deep in my bitter thoughts, I barely registered the sound of the approaching vehicle.
I bowed my head down as I ran my open palm down the rough bark. Josh's footsteps sounded behind me as he came up and placed a hand on my shoulder. The gesture meant to be comforting only set every nerve and cell on high alert. My body tensed like I was ready for flight or fight. My blood rushed in my ears and I braced myself to be jolted out of the world I knew.
The sound of gravel crunching told me someone was walking up to us. I glared down at the photo of Carter and his soccer team. I burned the image of his smiling face into my memory. I placed my hands on the soft ground and pushed myself up to stand. When I came around the tree, I had a clear view of who Josh wanted to place his blame on.
Logan stood just a few feet away, looking down and pushing a loose rock with his shoe. Ryder stood next to him, his eyes wide and locked onto mine. All the air left my lungs. I heard my heartbeat slam to a screeching halt and the slight breeze around me froze. Logan, sensing the tension in the air, finally looked up and his eyes landed on mine.
"Thank you for meeting me," Josh said in a tight voice, unaware of the world crumbling around him.
Logan nodded and walked slowly to meet Josh's extended hand. Both men's eyes never left me. I blinked rapidly, trying to will myself to wake up from this dream. I internally begged that understanding would soon take over and I would see clearly what was happening in front of me. I felt underwater as my head swam.
My hand shook as it lifted to cover my mouth. I heard screams in the distance as my knees suddenly connected with the hard road. Arms wrapped around me and the screams got louder. The sunlight vanished and blackness took over. I saw nothing. I could only hear the screams and the cries mixed with the sounds of tires screeching and glass breaking.
Sunlight filtered in under my lashes. My hand felt warm, encased in something soft. I blinked, trying to adjust to the light burning my eyes. I squeezed my hand and the hand in mine squeezed back. Soft murmuring and voices filled my ears as I tried to make out the words. When my eyelids finally opened, deep brown eyes stared down at me.
Scarlett's eyes watered over me and she brushed some hair off my forehead. My skin felt clammy and damp. I slowly turned my head to take in the unfamiliar surroundings. Scarlett continued to run her fingers through my hair soothingly.
"Shh. I'm right here, Kallie," she whispered to me as she clenched my hand.
"Where am I?" I asked in a thick voice.
"Caleb's," she answered. I looked behind her and saw Caleb leaning against the wall. He watched us with apprehension.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
"How did I get here?" I asked while I sat up and frantically looked around me. "I was with Josh. I was… ” I cut off. Memories filled in the blanks.
Tears leaked out and dripped over my cheeks when I remembered standing at the tree with Josh. I was waiting for the driver of the vehicle that ran the love of my life off the road, killing him. I was supposed to be facing the one that wrecked my life, throwing me into a tornado of hurt, confusion, and emptiness.
I saw Logan and Ryder standing in the road, reaching to shake Josh's hand. Both men looked at me in confusion and guilt. The two halves of my severed life collided, crashed, and wrapped around each other, leaving a mangled mess behind.
"No," I gasped.
"Kallie, please listen to me," Scarlett pleaded desperately. "You need to stay with me, okay? Don't zone out. Stay with me."
I focused on her desperate eyes and tried to center myself again. Darkness swam at the edges of my vision as I could feel all the blood draining from me. My body trembled and Caleb came to flank my other side on the bed. His warm touch on my shoulder helped me stay grounded. I panted and closed my eyes tightly, battling the pain and hurt threatening to take me over.
"What happened?" I asked in a chocked voice.
Caleb handed me a bottled water and I took it without thanks. I chugged the water and sighed at the relief the cool water gave my throat. My entire body felt dried up and withered. I greedily drank the water, imagining a dried up raisin hydrating and plumping up.
"What do you remember?" Scarlett asked cautiously.
"Logan and Ryder. Then nothing."
"You passed out. Panic attack or something," she said, rubbing my arms to calm me.
"They killed him?" I asked, my voice cracking.
"It's not that simple," Caleb finally spoke up. I didn't miss the defensiveness in his tone.
I sighed and laid back against the pillows. I concentrated on the warmth I felt from the two bodies next to me. I focused on the hand holding mine tightly. I fought away the darkness hovering at the edges, waiting to consume me and take me under with the current. I was fighting for my own sanity.
"Where are they?" I asked.
"Josh headed back home, as gently and graciously suggested by me," Scarlett answered, followed immediately by a loud scoff from Caleb.
"Ryder? Logan?"
"Logan's." Scarlett didn't add any more information. She didn't answer all the questions swirling around in my rattled brain. She didn't tell me how they were feeling, why they were not here with me now, and why they were at that roadside spot to begin with.
"They were in the car," was all I could say.
It wasn't a question, but she nodded at me anyway. "You should eat."
Caleb brought me up some chicken noodle soup, claiming it could heal all ailments. After they were satisfied that I choked down enough substance, they both crawled under the covers with me. None of them spoke for the longest time, letting me sort out my thoughts in a cocoon
. Being sandwiched between Scarlett's big heart and Caleb's strength gave me a sense of protection.
"You warned me," I said into the room that had finally grown dark.
"What?" Scarlett asked, snuggling closer to me in the bed.
"You said I would get hurt and to stay away from him. I should have listened."
"Oh, Kallie, I only told you that because I thought you would do the opposite," she confessed while she turned to look at my face.
"That makes no sense," I mumbled.
"Well, it does, really. You were in a rebellious phase. I figured if I said stay away from him, you would disobey and go after him."
"Why?"
"Because you two need each other more than either of you know. You two are good for each other, but can't see it."
"You're wrong."
"I'm not," she said with confidence. "You think I'm stupid? That I didn't see what you were going through? Granted, I didn't know details, but I knew you were hurting. And I knew something was eating him up alive. But when you two were together, I couldn't see the pain and hurt that you both carried around on your sleeves."
The room was silent with her confession. The three of us breathing in unison was the only sound I could hear. Both of my hands were held in one of theirs and I felt safe, calmer. I felt wrapped up in warm armor and nothing could touch me. I looked over to Caleb, questions in my eyes. He shrugged.
"It's true," was all he said.
"I don't know if I'll come back from this," I admitted.
"You will," Scarlett countered.
Sleep took me over eventually, but couldn't seem to hold on. I woke up over and over again, covered in sweat and trembling. Each time, someone was there to catch and ground me again. Different scenarios flashed before my eyes, trying to piece together what I couldn't understand. I finally gave up on getting rest and stared at the ceiling, waiting for the sun to come up.
The sunrise casted colors of pink and orange across the bed when Caleb stirred beside me. I stayed motionless while he sat up and stretched. His sleepy eyes found me awake and waiting. What I was waiting for, I wasn't sure yet.
Jolted (Conflicted Encounters #1) Page 20
