I opened the door and pushed her up into the seat. She stopped fighting once she was seated and I ran over to get into the driver's seat. Lightening lit up the inside of the cab and I saw her watching me as I drove. I drove away from the tree and didn't speak as she glared at me.
She could blame me. She should blame me. If it made her feel better, she could beat my ass for what I did. The brother seemed hell-bent on finding someone to blame, to make himself feel better. If it helped her, I would take all the blame from her, from him, and from myself.
"How did it happen?" she asked in a firm voice. I couldn't decide if it was from anger or strength.
"Shut up, Kallie. I'm not telling you that."
"Yes, you are," she argued. "I need to know. I just have to," she added quietly.
I hit the breaks and turned the steering wheel sharply, sending us into a fish tail. When the front of the truck did a complete turn and we were facing the direction we just came from, I punched the gas pedal again. The truck swerved and squealed as the tires struggled to gain traction on the wet road.
The truck straightened and I kept gunning it. "You want to know, Princess? That will make you feel better?" I screamed over the roar of the engine and the storm outside. I slammed on the brakes when we hit the grass at the dreaded spot we just left. Kallie jerked forward from the sudden stop and I held her back with my arm. I just about broke the shifter when I threw it in park.
"I was drunk, typical," I started in a hard voice. I remembered stumbling around the bonfire. "I should've just crashed on his couch, like I usually did. But I got a bug up my ass and I wanted to go home, so I asked Logan to give me a ride."
"You weren't driving?" she asked, staring out the front windshield.
"No, but I shouldn't have asked him," I growled, angry at myself. "He was drinking, too, and it was my fault he was even on the road that night."
I could still remember joking with him and harassing him to take me home. The party was starting to die down because of the rain, and I knew Scarlett had already left. I didn't feel like sleeping on his stiff couch or the floor. When I called him a bitch for the third time, he finally gave in and grabbed his keys.
"What happened? Please, Ryder, I need to know," she pleaded.
"It was raining and we came around this curve too fast," I told her. "We saw him too late." I swallowed as I remembered seeing the light fill our cab at the last second and the truck suddenly jerking to the right. I could hear the sound of metal crunching and our yells in my head. "We tried to help him. It was too late."
We sat in silence and I replayed the scene in my head. My legs were heavy as we ran to the smoking car in the grass. Logan flung open the door; I grabbed the limp body's jacket and pulled him from the car. My breathing stopped as the image of the bloody and terrified face flashed in front of my mind.
It's the same face that haunted my dreams every night. I could still see his eyes, blue like Kallie's, looking up at me as I heard Logan on the phone beside me. My dreams replayed the words I told him to keep him calm while we waited for help. Every night, behind my closed eyelids, I saw his face, draining of life and eyes slowly closing.
I looked at the spot in front of us and could see the blue and red lights flashing and reflecting off the trees around us. I could see myself and Logan, standing in front of the officers in uniform, walking a straight line for them. In my mind, I saw us being escorted into the backseat of police cruisers while the ambulance slowly drove away.
I stepped out of my truck as I saw the ambulance pull away from the imaginary scene in my mind. The lights were flashing, but the sirens didn't sound. It was driving too slow, in no rush to save the man's life. Logan's face, full of regret and pain, flashed in my memory. I felt a hand on my shoulder that jerked me out of my memories.
I spun around and looked down into her face. Water droplets gathered on her skin and her wide eyes were on me. "Don't you see? This is all my fault! I killed him," I cried as I sank down to my knees in the road.
"You didn't," she said as she knelt beside me and tried to look me in the eyes.
I reached out and pushed her away from me. "Yes, I did. Stop trying to please everyone around you," I said to her, out of anger. "I did this."
Kallie pushed herself up and stood over me. I could feel her eyes burning into me from above. The rain beat down on my back and was soaking through my leather jacket. The smell of the wet leather only brought back more memories of that night.
"No," she said as she shoved my shoulder. "Ever since I came into this town, I stopped trying to please everyone around me. So don't tell me what to do. And I'm not going to blame you."
I stood and stalked over to her, full of rage. She backed away from me as I seethed. "I'm no good for you. I warned you. I would only hurt you. I did hurt you and I did it before I even fucking met you. Stay. Away. From. Me."
A loud cracking sound was all I heard before I felt the burning and stinging in my cheek.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Kallie
Ryder's eyes went wide as I put my hand back to my side. My palm stung from the slap, but the pain was welcome.
"You don't get to call all the shots," I said through gritted teeth. "I feel a lot of things right now, not just hurt. I have been through hell and back with no one to hold my hand or help me through it."
"And why is that? You could have fucking told someone," he said in a low voice.
"Why? It didn't matter. Everyone back home expected me to get up, move on, and pick up where I left off. I was supposed to continue being the girl everyone knew me as. Nothing anyone here could have said, or done, would have made it all go away. Nothing was going to make it better. What I needed was to be able to be sad, to hurt, and feel better. I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to shove it deep down and ignore it. I wanted to pretend it didn't happen."
"But it did."
"Yes, I know. I lost my first love. I lost a man that loved me, that would have given me the world. But you want to know what else I lost?"
"No," he said as he looked away. It was a fine moment to decide to be honest with me.
"I lost my way. I lost the girl I built around him. I didn't know who I was if I wasn't Carter's girl. I had no idea how to continue with school when my biggest cheerleader wasn't on the sideline. I didn't know how to be with old friends when I felt like I wasn't the same person they knew anymore. I didn't know what the future held when all my plans were pulled out from under me."
I paused to take in deep breaths. My chest was heaving and my skin burned from the wrath running in my veins. "I'm sorry," he whispered.
If every one of my senses weren't on high alert, I may not have heard it. Something inside me broke looking at the pain in his eyes.
"I know," I said softly. "But I can't blame you. I am hurt, I miss him, and I'm confused. I don't have room in me for hate and blame. I just don't."
"Make room, because it's all my fault." His voice cracked at the end.
"Ryder, it could have been another car. It could have been anyone leaving the party. He could have stayed on the highway, like we usually did. It could have been dry out. None of that matters," I said, stepping closer to him. Now, hearing the words that I was saying out loud, I believed what I was telling him. Josh may have found closure in blame, but it did none of that for me.
He took a step back and looked back at the scene of the accident. I saw the slump in his shoulders and the despair on his face. I wanted nothing more than to take him in my arms and soothe the pain away. My heart broke as I watched drops run down his face. I doubted it was the rain.
For that moment, I could picture him terrified and confused, looking over at a mangled car. It's an image I've seen many times in my dreams, but it only ever included Carter. I never thought about the reasons or someone to blame. None of that mattered because he was gone. I watched as the guilt ate Ryder up right in front of me and thought of Logan, and how he felt.
"Ryder," I said tentatively a
s I reached for him. "Please look at me."
He shook his head. "I can't. You should leave. Go home."
"Please," I pleaded. "You're important to me and I can't lose you, too," I broke off with tears.
He spun around and his arms were wrapped around my body instantly. I cried into the wet leather of his jacket, and my tears ran down with the rain drops. He ran his hand through my wet hair, getting caught in the tangles. I shivered as he held me close to his chest.
"I'm so sorry," he repeated into my hair.
"I know," I said. "I don't blame you, and I don't hate you. I just can't."
"I just don't know if I can do the same."
He squeezed me harder and as I rested my head on his chest, I looked over at the tree. I came into this town screaming and punching that tree for taking the love of my life. I was looking for answers and something to ease the ache I felt in my heart. I found my relief somewhere else, though. Tonight, I sat in the grass and said goodbye. I thanked Carter for everything he gave me, taught me, and helped me through. I told him I loved him.
I would never trade a second that I spent with him. He taught me how to love, how to receive love, and how amazing it could be. He backed me in every accomplishment and always believed in me. He would have made an amazing father and role model. It was a shame the rest of the world couldn't have seen it. I really do pity those lives that would never be touched by him.
With his death, I learned another lesson. I learned how to stand on my own two feet. I learned how to be me and how to be true to myself. I learned that if I wanted to be happy, I had to do that for myself. I hated that I had to run away to grieve, to feel pain and let myself get swallowed up in it, but I did. I imagined myself trying to learn to ride a bike with Carter letting go so I could try to hold myself up.
I thought of the tattoo engraved on my skin. The feather falling away to be free and dropping away from its home. The birds were breaking away from all they ever knew to be on their own, to become something. I built a life around what I thought I should be and what I should be doing. I needed to rebuild and I pictured Carter silently standing by, smiling and encouraging me as I tried to put the pieces together myself.
Footsteps came toward us and I saw a light out of the corner of my eye. "Guys, I hate to break this up, but there are tornado warnings and it's getting really bad," Caleb said, trying to shield himself from the downpour.
I shivered again and let Ryder pull away from me. Behind Caleb, Logan's SUV was parked. The lights were on inside from the door Caleb left open. Scarlett was sitting in the backseat with Logan behind the wheel. Ryder pulled me by my hand and led me to them. Scarlett opened the back door and slid across the seat to make room. I slid over next to her as Ryder silently sat next to me.
Caleb jumped in up front with Logan, and Scarlett squeezed my hand as we pulled away from Ryder’s truck and the scene of the accident that once took place. Caleb's phone screen lit up the inside of the cab while he checked the weather. "We should probably just go to your place," he told Logan. Logan nodded and made a U-turn.
When Logan's eyes met mine in the rearview mirror, I reached forward and put my hand on his shoulder. When his eyes went wide, I leaned forward, let go of Scarlett, and put my arm around his chest in an awkward hug. He patted my arm wrapped around him. Taking my hand, he kissed the top of it, letting go when Ryder pulled me back and strapped a seat belt on me.
Within minutes, we were pulling into Logan's driveway. For the first time, I noticed how close we where to where the accident happened. It always took longer to get to his house for the few bonfires we went to. I then realized Ryder went out of his way to avoid the area and we were always taking a long way around.
We ran from the car to the house. The rain smacked my skin and stung with its speed. The wind howled and the darkness was the thickest I had ever seen. The stars and moon were blanketed in the black clouds. We all were panting when we slammed the front door and were out of the elements. I shivered uncontrollably without the emotions and adrenaline keeping me numb.
Ryder peeled off his leather jacket and let it hit the floor. "You've got to be freezing. Come on," he said as he pulled me up the stairs.
We entered a bedroom with a bare twin bed and a small dresser. There was nothing on the walls; the only decoration was the lamp on the nightstand that he'd turned on. Ryder left me standing in the middle of the unfamiliar room. I trembled and pulled off my soaked shirt. A loud crack echoed and the lights went off.
"Kallie," I heard in the darkness.
"I'm here," I called, reaching out into nothing. When I felt the hardness of his chest, I sighed in relief. He found me.
"Put this on," he told me and I felt fabric touching my stomach.
I slipped off my shoes, using him to balance. I tipped over trying to pull down my pants and he caught me. He held my shoulders to keep me standing straight up as his hand let go and I felt his fingers graze my bare hips. He slid the wet and thick fabric down my legs. Goosebumps ran along my skin as the cold air rolled over me.
He stood and wrapped his hands around my waist, going up until he reached my bra. His hands followed the lace to the clasps in the back. My body was pulled closer to his when he reached to undo it. The snaps unhooked and the straps fell down my shoulders. I heard the splatter of the soaked material hitting the floor.
I stood before him, freezing and exposed. I reached out and placed my palms on his chest, finding bare flesh. I sucked in a breath when I felt his muscles flex under my hands. I took a step closer to press against him. I was suddenly warmed up and it had nothing to do with clothing.
"Kallie," he said in a tight voice.
"Ryder," I mimicked.
"It's not right," he said.
I couldn't hear anymore, and I instinctually found his lips with mine. I pushed myself harder into him, not letting him push me away. I poured all of me into the kiss. The pain I felt for losing someone and the pain I felt when I saw what he was putting himself through. I let my fear seep into the kiss. The fear that we could never move past our encounter and our coincidence rose from deep in my chest and played out with my lips.
His fingers dug into the skin of my hips and he pulled me flush against him. We ignored the wind and rain banging on the roof and walls. He fell to his knees and placed light kisses across my stomach. His lips lightly traced the outline of my feather, symbolizing my freedom and letting go. Even in the dark, the lines were there and screaming to be found.
Lightening that filled the room followed by a crack of thunder made me jump. Ryder stood up and handed me the large shirt he found for me. I pulled it over my head and it came down to mid-thigh. The wind shook the house around us as he grabbed my hand and quickly led me down the stairs.
We opened a door in the kitchen to another set of stairs. I followed closely behind him and could see a soft glow lighting up the damp and cool space. Scarlett, Logan, and Caleb sat against some boxes and random items in storage. Two small oil lanterns sat in the center of them, casting a golden glow over their curious faces.
A few pillows and blankets sat in the empty space of the circle. I sat on a pillow and pulled a blanket over my bare legs. Ryder hesitantly took a seat next to me and I flung some blanket over him. Caleb handed me a large glass bottle and I took a drink from it. I didn't care what it was.
I groaned from the burn and handed the bottle off to Ryder. After his drink, he passed it to Scarlett. The bottle made it's way around the circle in silence. The house creaked and cold air leaked in the cracks of the cement blocks around us.
"This is nice," I said lamely, looking around. Scarlett spit out whatever we were drinking and laughed hysterically. "What?" I asked defensively.
"Well, thanks," Logan said with humor in his voice. "It's just a dirty and dark basement."
"You're right. And creepy," I nodded. "But safe," I said, raising my finger in the air to signal a point has been made.
"True," Logan agreed, peeling at the label of the bott
le, and Caleb snickered.
"Do you think there will really be a tornado?" Scarlett asked, wrapping her arms around herself.
"No, we'll be fine," Logan told her gently as he wrapped his arm around her and pulled her close.
"Well, if one hits, I hope it takes out the warehouse. I don't want to work in four hours," Caleb grumbled as he situated himself and laid flat on the floor.
None of us spoke for a while. Caleb's breathing slowed and I figured he finally fell asleep. Logan held onto Scarlett and rubbed her arms to calm her. I caught the glares Ryder shot over to his best friend. I also saw Logan ignore them and continue to whisper in her ear as she leaned into him. Interesting.
I leaned against Ryder when I felt like I couldn't hold my body up anymore. I felt his muscles tense under me. I didn't move. I just let his strength keep me stable and his body heat warm me.
"Hold me?" I asked quietly, so only he would hear. He shook his head and closed his eyes so he wouldn't have to look at me. "Please. I just want to sleep without the dreams tonight, please," I begged.
He sighed and lifted his arm so I could rest my head in his lap. I smiled as I snuggled close and he ran his fingers through my messy hair. I was hovering between sleep and being awake. My senses were fading in and out when I heard the quiet voices.
"It's not your fault," came a soft voice, sounding like Scarlett.
"It is."
"Ry, you can't take that on. She doesn't want you to either."
"I can. I will. I am."
"You will only hurt her more," she said to him.
"You don't think I already did? She should hate me," he said loud enough that I was actually awake now, but unmoving.
"But she doesn't. I know she doesn't and even though you can be an idiot, I know you know it, too."
He sighed and leaned back on his hands, moving me slightly. I stretched and opened my eyes slowly, so they didn't know I heard them.
"What time is it?" I asked.
"Three. You girls want to go back home? It sounds like it died down a bit," Ryder asked as I sat up.
Jolted (Conflicted Encounters #1) Page 22
