by RJ Jones
I gripped his biceps, feeling their hardness, my fingers digging into his flesh. Johnno’s arms came around me as he deepened the kiss further.
I had to stop this. I wasn’t sure I was gay, but if I was, I certainly wasn’t going to be gay with some surfer dude from ‘Straya.’ As nice as Johnno was, he wasn’t Alex.
Placing my hands on his chest, I pushed him gently, separating us.
I took a step back, not knowing what to say, but when Johnno advanced toward me—obviously wanting to kiss me again—I stopped him.
“No. I can’t do this. I’m not…” I’m not what? Gay? I just had my tongue down a strange man’s throat and I didn’t hate it. Quite the opposite; the guy could kiss. But it wasn’t right, he wasn’t the man I wanted.
“Man.” Johnno laughed like it wasn’t a big deal. He must have recognized the look on my face as he pinpointed my thoughts. “You can’t tell me you’re not gay, or at least bi. You were into it as much as I was. I saw the way you were checking me out when I came out of the water.” Johnno laughed again and then smiled. It seemed so easy for him.
“No, I mean. I was into it, but I’m not sure… I don’t… Oh fuck.”
“Are you straight?” Johnno asked, his smile gone.
“I don’t know what I am. That was sort of my first… kiss with another guy.” God this was embarrassing. I looked at my feet in the sand.
Johnno half sighed, half laughed before slapping me on the back. “Man, don’t sweat it. You’ll figure it out in time. I came out when I was twenty-two, but a friend of mine didn’t realize he was gay until his thirties. Don’t rush this, man. It’s a process all gay guys go through at some point. Your mind will tell you when it’s right and when it’s not. I’m guessing your mind just told you it wasn’t?”
“Yes and no. It felt right. Just… not with you.” My word choice wasn’t the best and I didn’t want to see the rejection I was sure was in his eyes. Johnno laughed again and pulled me into a sideways hug, no trace of rejection in his gaze.
“You’re cool, man, no probs. Sometimes it’s right, and well, sometimes it ain’t.”
Relief washed over me like warm water.
“Thank you,” I told him.
“What for?”
“For making me realize who is right.”
Johnno’s smile was wide. He picked up his board and we walked back to the dunes together.
“So where are you headed next?” he asked casually.
“California. We want to be in San Diego by Christmas.”
“Cool, I’m headed south too, but not for a bit yet. Surf here is pumpin’. I’ll head to California later on. Hey, I heard you can surf under the Golden Gate Bridge, is that true? It’d be such a trip.”
“Uh, I don’t know. Country boy, remember?” I poked myself in the chest.
“Yeah, that’s right. Hey, is this you? Cool ride.” I hadn’t noticed, but we had walked to the parking lot. Alex was sitting at the table eating breakfast, and when he looked up and saw us, he scowled. Probably didn’t get much sleep with the sound of the waves last night.
“Come and meet Alex, he’s…” I trailed off, not sure what to call him anymore.
“Right?” Johnno lifted an eyebrow, his tone knowing.
“Yeah. Right,” I said, smiling. Alex was so right my chest lightened and I had an urge to run to him and tell him everything I felt.
“Alex, this is Johnno. He’s on a surfing vacation from Australia,” I said when we approached the van.
“G’day, I’m Dave. Josh told me a lot about you.”
“I thought you said your name was Johnno?” I asked him, confused.
“It is. Dave Johnson. It’s either Davo or Johnno.” He shrugged. “I’ll answer to both.”
“Not Davey or Johnny?”
He winced. “Never Davey or Johnny.”
“You Aussies are weird.”
“We could argue about that all day and not come to an agreement.” Johnno laughed. His smile was wide, but it faded when Alex glared at him and grunted.
“Uh, right then. I’ll be off. Josh, it was great to meet you. I hope you get what’s right.” Johnno squeezed my shoulder before sauntering off back down the dunes, board under his arm, his wetsuit flapping at his legs. He looked back once, his gaze flitting between myself and Alex, and he smiled sadly.
Alex stood abruptly, knocking the chair over, a mixture of anger and disappointment etched on his features. He balled his fists, his knuckles white.
“I’m going for a walk.” He turned on his heel and headed down the beach in the opposite direction to Johnno.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Same day
Bastendorf Beach, near Charleston, Oregon
I STOOD dumbstruck for a minute, wanting to run after Alex and find out what was wrong, but I sensed this was one of those times he needed to be by himself. I looked toward where Johnno had headed and saw him standing on a dune, waving his arms frantically, telling me to chase after Alex. Go, go!
Should I? It took me a split second to decide.
I packed up the back of Maude as quick as lightning, locked the doors, and took off down the dunes. I looked back and Johnno waved before giving me a double thumbs-up, a wide grin on his tanned face.
“Alex, wait. Alex!” Alex kept walking, his six-foot-plus frame eating up the sand with long, angry strides. I had to jog to catch up. I finally reached him, but he kept walking, ignoring my presence.
I reached for his arm, but he shook me off. “For God’s sake, stop, will you?”
“Go away, Josh. Run back to Johnno or Davo or whatever his name is.” Alex spat.
“For God’s sake, what have I done?” I was still jogging beside him, but he didn’t answer. “I can’t fix it if I don’t know what the problem is. What did I do?” I was pleading now; it wasn’t like him to get this upset.
Alex took a deep breath. “You kissed him. You fucking kissed him!” I didn’t know how it was possible, but Alex’s strides became longer.
“Just stop, will you. I can’t talk and run at the same time.” Alex stopped abruptly, his shoulders heaving. “You saw that?” I asked, keeping my voice level once we’d come to a halt.
“Yes, I saw it. How could you?”
“What? You’re mad at me because I kissed a guy? Because I’m gay?” It didn’t make any sense. His cousin was gay and Alex was the most tolerant person I knew.
“You’re not gay, Josh.” Alex’s temper flared. “I’d know if you were.”
“I don’t know what I am, to be honest. But regardless, why are you so pissed because I kissed a guy?”
Alex threw his hands up and took a couple of steps away before turning around, hurt and sadness etching his features. A tear trickled down his cheek and his shoulders heaved with the effort of trying to keep them at bay. “Because you should have kissed me.”
All the air left my lungs in a great whoosh.
There was a silence I’d never known before. We were standing at the edge of the Pacific Ocean—great waves crashing to the shore, gulls screeching overhead—and I didn’t hear anything except the blood rushing through my ears.
We stood there staring at each other for a long minute before Alex turned and walked away.
“I’m sorry.” His voice was a whisper, so soft I barely heard it.
It took me another long second to move my feet and chase after him, again.
“You were,” I called out. “You were my first kiss.” I caught up with him and grabbed his arm, spinning him toward me. “You were,” I repeated, my voice softer.
I gripped his biceps, feeling the muscles under his thin T-shirt.
“I was sick. I was out of it, but I remember fingers running through my hair and soft lips on my forehead. I remember those same lips brushing gently over mine.” Alex’s eyes swam. “I wanted more, but you pulled away and I was too sick to ask you to do it again.”
I didn’t mention that one time during college as I truly thought he didn’t remembe
r it. I loosened my grip on his arms and pushed my hands into the sleeves of his shirt, caressing his warm skin. Our eyes locked.
“Johnno kissed me. I didn’t instigate it but I didn’t push him away either, at least not to begin with. And…” I hurried on, needing to tell him everything. “And I’m glad he did. I’m glad he kissed me. He made me realize that kissing a guy wasn’t as weird as I thought it would be. It was right, but wrong at the same time. Kissing a guy was right, but not him. He wasn’t right.”
I searched Alex’s eyes, hoping he understood. He looked drained, emotionally wrung out, but there was a tiny spark of hope in his gaze. I stepped closer, bringing our bodies in line until I could feel his warmth seep into my bones. I stood on tiptoe and leaned forward slightly, our mouths just an inch apart. Alex’s lips parted on a breath, but he didn’t close the gap. If I wanted to kiss him, I had to make the effort. He wasn’t going to meet me halfway.
Closing my eyes, I brushed my lips gently over his. They were softer than I remembered from my fever-induced haze but just as sweet. Our mouths moved together hesitantly, testing. Did Alex still want this? Did he want me to kiss him after I’d just kissed Johnno? God help me if he didn’t, because this was right. Alex’s mouth on mine, my hands on his skin, was right.
I removed my hands from his shirt, intending to break apart so I could see his reaction, but just as I was about to move, Alex brought his arms around me, holding me prisoner. He tilted his head and deepened the kiss. I had no choice but to open for him as he explored my mouth, and I melted against him, my hands circling his waist. Our lips and tongues tangled together as we discovered a side of each other we’d never known before. Alex kissed with a passion I hadn’t suspected he possessed. This kiss wasn’t at all like the one I shared with the strange Australian. This kiss was filled with possibilities, with plans for the future, and it lasted for what seemed like an eternity.
This kiss was right.
The need for oxygen was the only reason we broke apart, albeit reluctantly. Alex rested his forehead against mine as we caught our breath and it mingled in the small space between us.
In the distance I could hear hollering, and I looked toward the dunes, wondering what it was. Johnno was standing on the top of a dune, cheering. I waved, wrapping my other arm around Alex and resting my head against his shoulder.
Johnno gave us a final cheer and a wave before jumping down the other side of the sand, disappearing.
“I should thank him, you think?” Alex asked, nodding in the direction that Johnno had stood.
“I would’ve kissed you eventually, but yeah, he just made me do it sooner.”
WE WERE taking things slowly.
Really slowly.
Like glacial.
In the past week, we hadn’t done anything except kiss hesitantly and hold hands while falling asleep. On the odd occasion, we would entwine our pinky fingers while walking down a street or waiting for the laundry.
Alex would give me a quick peck on the lips in the morning before climbing out of Maude and heading to the pee tree—or showers, depending on where we were staying—and that would be the end of the affection for the day until we said goodnight. That’s when he would really kiss me, our tongues tangling, enjoying the taste and feel of each other, but it would never last long enough. Just when I thought he was about to take it one step further, he’d break away, hold my hand, and say goodnight.
It was beyond frustrating.
If I thought I’d had blue balls previously, it had nothing on this.
I wanted to touch him, feel him. Have him feel and touch me in return. I’d never lusted after a man before, but holy hell, did I want Alex. But it seemed he was reluctant to try anything else. Did he still want to kiss me, or was he doing it only because he felt he had to since he kissed me that day on the beach? Was he kissing me because he knew I wanted him to? Not knowing was doing my head in but I was too scared to ask in case it all stopped.
CHAPTER EIGHT
November 11th
San Francisco, California
WE HEADED east for a while, crossing the state line into Nevada, and then traveled south again through Reno on our way back to the coast and San Francisco. Northern California weather wasn’t any better than that of the Oregon coast. San Francisco was gray and foggy, but I was assured it was like that all the time. Alex surprised me when he suggested we check out the Castro. We parked Maude and wandered the streets, taking in the diversity of California’s gay mecca.
Rainbow flags were everywhere and wherever we looked we’d come across same-sex couples holding hands while they walked or sharing a kiss in front of colorfully painted row houses. Neon lights, dulled for the moment, advertised a variety of nightspots: leather clubs, drag shows, lesbian mud-wrestling. A restaurant called The Sausage Factory, a nail spa called Hand Job. You name it, the Castro had it. Even some of the pedestrian crossings were painted rainbow colors.
It was quite… liberating to see the acceptance. The simple fact was that people here didn’t care if two men were holding hands or kissed goodbye as they left for work.
I’d been thinking about what would happen when Alex and I went home. Would we just be friends again? Would we date? Would we be a couple, and if so, did we tell our parents? What would the community think? Would we be able to hold hands in public if we wanted to? I know Calvin and Davis had a fair share of homophobic abuse thrown their way, but Calvin just told his tormentors to go fuck themselves and moved on. He was happy in his relationship and didn’t care about people who, in the long run, didn’t matter. Cal was a few years older than Alex and me, and his boyfriend, Davis, was older still. Davis was a small man, five foot five, and an orthopedic surgeon, and although he held a position of respect within the community, Cal always thought he had to defend him from the bigots of Fort Wayne, as Calvin was more intimidating due to his larger size.
Alex grabbed my hand, pulling me from my thoughts. “It’s nice here,” he said simply.
“It’s… different. I mean, people don’t care that two men are holding hands. It’s accepted, normal even,” I told him.
“That’s why it’s nice. I can do this—” Keeping hold of my hand, he brought my body flush against his and kissed me deeply. “—and no one cares.”
“I care,” I said breathlessly.
As we continued our walk through the streets of the Castro district hand in hand, reveling in the fact we could touch each other, I knew I needed to ask Alex what his thoughts were about us, or at least let him know what I wanted.
“I’d like to stay in a hotel tonight. What’s the budget look like?” I asked him as casually as I could. We’d come to a standstill outside a club named Magnificence. It looked like an ordinary club, albeit a gay one; no drag queens or leather daddies here.
Alex was looking at the flyer stuck to the closed front door. “Sure,” he said without looking at me. “The budget can handle a hotel one night a week. Might as well be here.” Alex looked at me then, a grin spreading across his face. “Look, tell you what. You find a nice, reasonably priced B&B somewhere close to here. I have… something I need to do first. I’ll meet you back here in thirty minutes.”
Before I could ask what the something was, he turned on his heel and stalked off down the street, his long legs eating up the pavement.
I found a nearby B&B that had a huge rainbow flag hanging in the front window. The guy behind the counter had a shock of platinum blond hair and was wearing a purple T-shirt with the word Indigo written across the front. His shirt made me chuckle. He assured me every room had a fridge, as the last thing we wanted was for our food to spoil again. I shuddered at the memory. The price was reasonable, given it was San Francisco, especially when he told me they had a special going on so we could stay another night for free if we wanted to. Two nights in a hotel instead of the back of the van? Yes, please.
Heading back to meet Alex, I rounded a corner and found him walking just ahead of me, talking on his phone. He didn’t
realize I was behind him, and I trailed behind him for a moment as I moved to catch up.
“Why not both, a top and a bottom?” Alex said into his phone. “Yes, I want to but… I don’t know.” A pause, then, “Montana. Not really my type anymore.” Another pause. “Yes. I think so, anyway. It’s all a bit confusing. Look I gotta go, he’ll be here in a minute. Okay, don’t do it until we get there, promise? Okay, thanks for your help. Bye.”
I hung back a few steps so it didn’t look like I had been listening. I assumed he was talking to Cal.
“Hey, been waiting long?” I asked as I approached.
“Horse. No, just got here. Did you get a room?”
“Better, I got two rooms.”
Alex’s face fell. “Two rooms?”
“Yeah, one for tonight and one for tomorrow night. It’s midweek so they’re having a two-for-one deal.”
Alex’s smile lit the small alcove of the nightclub entrance. “What are we waiting for, then? Let’s get Maude and check in.”
THE ICY cold beer hit the back of my throat as I swallowed half of the liquid in one gulp. My skin tingled, and despite the air-conditioning and my thin black shirt, I was sweating as I watched Alex dance surrounded by a hundred different men. I thought about what had made me agree to go out tonight as I watched him.
“I want to check out that club we saw earlier. I haven’t danced in ages and it’s been almost six months since we’ve been to a club,” Alex had said, catching me off guard. He was right, we hadn’t been to a club together since graduation. We’d been lazing around the hotel room for a few hours, and after ordering pizza, I was in a happy, comfortable doze as a movie played on the TV.
“Which club?”
“Magnificence.”
Alex wanted to check out a gay club. I had no idea how I felt about that.
I raised my eyebrow. “Why?”
He sighed heavily as he sat on the bed, his back to me. “I just want to see something. I want to see if…” He trailed off, seemingly searching for the right words.
