by Gina Watson
She tried to pull away, but he wouldn’t release her hand. “Don’t go.”
“I’m just going to climb up next to you.” She slid into bed next to him, on the side that wasn’t so bruised and rested her head on his shoulder.
Her eyes closed and she exhaled into the quiet room. The calm ocean-like movement of his breathing lulled her toward sleep.
When she awoke it was two and a half hours later. Next to her Jackson’s swallow made a hollow thud in his throat. “You know that song? About the cars and your perfect eyes?” His voice was gravelly and deep.
“The one about chasing cars?”
He nodded. “That’s our perfect song.” The swelling around his eye had gone down considerably and was almost altogether unnoticeable. However, the bruises had gotten a little darker.
“It doesn’t matter where we are, or what we’re doing, or what everyone is going to tell us we should be doing. And trust me, that’s going to happen. What we’re doing is not acceptable in modern society. They’re going to try to break us apart, but in the end it’s got to be you and me together, not focused on the swirling vortex around us, but focused on each other. We’ll have to shut out everyone and what’s being said. We know our intentions are true and pure. No matter what’s going to be said, we know what’s real.”
His words scared her. It’s like they were preparing to go to war. The two of them and their love against the world. “I’m prepared to do all of those things. I don’t know how, but if you’re with me I can do anything.”
“Your family may never forgive us. I hope they will eventually forgive you, but you need to know they could be lost to you forever. I want you more than my next breath, but you need to know this could be it. It’s because I love you that I could let you go, if you wanted, though it would damn near kill me. This could be your last chance to bail before permanent repercussions open a chasm between you and your family. Essentially you would be giving up your family for me.”
His revelations always had the ability to render her speechless. Like now, she felt her mouth moving, trying to make sound, but she couldn’t. She closed her eyes tight and reopened them to push back the tears. She’d cried enough. The one thing she was ultimately sure of in her life was Jackson. She could not survive without him.
“I can’t live without you. Even if it means I won’t see any of my family again, I don’t care. I would rather be dead than to try to figure out how to live without you.”
“I’m a selfish bastard. I shouldn’t let you give up your family for me, but I’m too weak to stop you.”
“I don’t like this conversation.”
“It’s reality. We’ve got to talk about it.”
“How about we talk about the fact that you were the only one there for me when I had my accident?”
“We can talk about that too.”
She flipped onto her stomach next to him in the bed. “You were there when it happened. You saved me. And you were there again after. You saved me a second time.” He wiped away a lone tear that tracked down her face.
“I sometimes dream that I’m being dragged by the horse. In the dream the pecan grove at the estate is always on fire and I can actually feel the burning on my shoulder and back where my scars are. I wake-up from the dream when I’ve become buried under a pile of rocks and can’t breathe. In reality, when I wake-up you’re always there either standing over me with coffee or sleeping next to me.”
“Why haven’t you told me about these dreams?”
She traced the lock of hair that fell across his forehead. “Jackson, you have so much to worry about: school, work, money, me. I don’t want to burden you with more. I’ll be fine. I just have the dream every now and then. Mostly, I think about what would have happened if you’d not been on the estate that day. I would have been alone.”
“Bug, I would drop everything, I would burn my degrees, I would forfeit school for you. Hell, I would die for you. You’re what matters, everything else can be replaced. And you know it was Clay that asked me to be there. I had planned on coming up for Easter weekend to be with the family, but when he’d told me you’d be the only one home I reconsidered because I’d had feelings for you even then. I thought maybe it wasn’t a good idea to be alone with you at the estate, but Clay insisted that I go. Said he’d feel better if you weren’t alone during the holiday weekend. I thought that was a legitimate reason.” He shrugged. “I’d planned to grill us some steaks for the occasion.” He inhaled so deeply his chest and ribs expanded to their max position. “In the back of my mind I kept thinking I could get into real trouble with you. I’d devised several ways to divert my attention when you were around.”
She smirked. “Yes, I know. You were very closed off. Reserved. Almost rude. I didn’t like you so much.”
“But I thought you wanted to marry me?”
“Please.” She rolled her eyes. “Seven-year-old Clara didn’t know anything.”
“I beg to differ. I have a framed, one of a kind original drawing that says she did.”
“I can’t believe you have that hanging in our living room.”
“It’s my most prized possession.”
She closed her eyes and recalled their first time. After the stitches had been removed, her scars were hideous. She’d wanted to hide, wanted the ground to open up and swallow her. They’d told her that skin grafting was an option, but it was a horrendous procedure that would require extraction of the skin from her inner thigh. Recovery time was long and scarring was absolutely certain, but her shoulder and back would heal with a better appearance.
It was Jackson that had convinced her not to do the graft. He’d been there when the stitches came out. Once she saw her back she’d been upset at him for convincing her not to go ahead with the procedure to lessen the appearance of the scars. That night at the estate he came into her room to check on her and she’d been crying. She’d asked him who would find her desirable now. He’d told her to show him her back. She remembered not wanting to. It had taken quite a few minutes, maybe thirty, to drop her robe and stand naked before him. And then she’d turned and let him have his fill of her unsightly body. He’d said she was a beautiful woman and she’d snorted in that way she did when she found something ridiculous.
She was about to cover herself back up with the robe when his hands draped over her body to rest on that spot just where the shoulder meets the arm. He was behind her and dipped his head to kiss around her scars.
Throat clearing in her ear forced her from the beloved memories. She opened her eyes to see deep blue pools simmering at her. “What exactly are you thinking about so intently, Bug?”
The blush spread across her face as quickly as fire spreads across dry grass. She lowered her head to her chin, but he turned onto his side, and lifted under her chin with his finger.
“I was just thinking about my first time. Our first time. In my room.”
He drew circles on her arm. “Do you remember what you asked me?”
“I asked if you’d want to be with me even with the scars.”
“That’s right, and what was my reply?”
“More than my next breath.”
“Exactly. That’s how it always was, and is, and will be with you.” He kissed her lips. “Tell me, what happened next?”
These were her private memories and she didn’t know if she wanted Jackson in her head. Who was she kidding? She wanted him everywhere, knew he would never use her precious thoughts against her.
“You kissed the scars. It was the first time I’d felt wanted”—she swallowed the lump in her throat and closed her eyes—“the first time I felt needed.”
“What’d I say next?”
“You said I was the most beautiful thing you had ever seen. And then I turned and was rewarded with my first kiss. It was spectacular. Your breath was mint flavored and your tongue wicked. I can still feel my heart beating as if it would leap from my chest, grow wings, and fly away.”
Jackson’s face eru
pted in a full face splitting smile and then he chuckled. “I love you. What I did next was very bad, but it’s always been complete consumption with you. I couldn’t even stop at gunpoint. You standing before me naked and sweetly innocent was paradise. I was no longer living in hell. Some might say that I took your innocence that night. But no, you stand before me like that every time and I swear it’s as if I’m seeing you for the very first time all over again.”
“I was hoping you were going to say, two years later, I fulfill your every desire and fantasy.”
“God, you do that and so much more.”
“That makes me feel better. I’d like to think I’d learned something in my promiscuous two years.”
His poor beaten face frowned at her and she felt her eyes widen at the implication. “What?”
“You’re not promiscuous. I need to make an honest woman of you. Should have already. I’m not a very good person. I’m extremely selfish.”
“I didn’t mean—”
“I know what you meant, but if I were inherently good I would have stopped after the first time.”
It was her turn to frown. “The first time was no fun for me.” She smiled, unable to prevent it. “The second and third times were unbelievable.”
His fingers enclosed her earlobe. “I’m sorry I hurt you at the tender age of sixteen.”
“Jackson, you didn’t hurt me. You were helping me. I felt undesirable. I didn’t think any man would ever want me but you proved that not to be true. I needed everything you had to give me in that moment.”
His fingers massaged where they rested. “I know. And trust me, it was incredible. I’ll never forget how you fully gave yourself to me, unselfishly. Your trust, your purity …” he couldn’t finish his statement because he gasped and choked.
“Jackson?”
“Tell me what you remember about the first time.”
Why did he want to know? It was erotic, painful, scary, wonderful. He’d think she was crazy.
His fingers traced a line down her arm from her shoulder to her knuckles. “Please, tell me.”
At his pleading she was helpless. “I remember being scared, but I trusted you with every part of myself. I knew you wouldn’t take and not give.”
“I could never hurt you. It kills me to think I did that night.”
“You didn’t. Joy and pleasure are the only memories I’ve ever had of that night because my heart stopped bleeding.
“Tell me in detail.”
She exhaled on a sigh. This was tough. “Well, you carried a naked me to my pink princess canopied bed. Then you caressed and kiss every inch of my body. Your tongue licked from my hip to my knee. I was drowning in your attentiveness. I became lost in you and I still haven’t recovered.”
He pulled her palm to his lips and kissed, followed by a wince. “And I reap all the benefits.” He smiled contentedly. “Continue.”
“So bossy. Where was I?”
“I licked from your hip to your knee.”
“Oh right, then I think it was about discovering how to make me …” she coughed into a closed fist.
His eyes simmered at her and he grabbed her hand to kiss the tips of her fingers. “It was the first time I tasted you.”
She thought she had died during her accident or some time after at the hospital, and then gone to heaven. His mouth on her felt so good. “Then I experienced my first orgasm and fell in love with you and your wicked tongue all over again.”
He chuckled and kissed her, his wicked tongue sliding into her mouth and tangling with hers. At the end of their kiss he held her face in his palms. “The gifts you’ve given me are more precious than anything I could ever give you in return, but I’m resolved to spend the rest of my life trying to be worthy.”
“Jackson.” Her voice came out whispered.
“Don’t argue here, Clara. It’s true you gave me everything, and continue to do so.”
She didn’t know what exactly he was talking about. Her innocence, the fact that she’d only ever had sex with him, loved him, kissed him. She’d trusted him that night that seemed so long ago. Not just with her body, but her mind, spirit, soul, everything. He’d been so gentle with her, whispering the sweetest things in her ear about how wonderful she felt wrapped around him. As far as first times go she’d had a great one. She’d hold tightly to those memories for a lifetime.
Her cell phone buzzed beside her on the bed. She checked the screen. “It’s Eve.” She pressed to answer the call.
“Hey, how’s everything?”
“Things are a little bumpy. How’s Jackson?”
“He’s better.”
“Please tell him I’m so sorry about all this.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“I know, but I should have told Clay about your relationship with Jackson when I found out the day of the wedding. He could have cooled down during the honeymoon and maybe this would have never happened.”
“Eve, please don’t blame yourself. You don’t know that. It could have ruined your honeymoon.”
“I guess that’s true.”
“Can I please speak with Clay?”
“He’s not here. He went for a walk, said he’d be back much later.” She exhaled dejectedly into the phone.
“Awe Eve, I’m sorry. Please let me know if I can do anything.”
“Goodbye, Clara.”
She sniffled and darn it all, a tear fell. She didn’t want to cry anymore. At eighteen years of age why should she feel guilty about her relationship with Jackson?
“Bug, what is it?”
“I’m just sorry Eve got dragged into the fray. They’re newlyweds. Their only concern should be if they’ve eaten and showered in the last two days.
He laughed. “You’re such a funny little thing and the only person who can make me laugh.”
“I know.”
“What is it that you know?”
“That you like to laugh at me. You hardly ever smile and you laugh even less unless it’s the occasional laugh at me.”
“Not at you, because of you.”
“I don’t understand the difference.”
“You’re my reason for living, Bug. There’s a huge difference.”
Chapter 11
The morning after his beating Jackson looked at himself in the mirror and realized he was the monster that stared back. The swelling had diminished, but the bruises and cuts were nasty.
Clay had called. He wanted to take Clara to breakfast. From what he could glean of the conversation Clara had with him he’d made it clear Jackson was not to attend. Martyr that she was, she refused to go without him. It caused another ripple when he tried to convince her to go alone. She’d cried and they’d become frustrated with one another. He was willing to drop her off and wait while she spoke with her brother. Then she’d gone and made perfect sense with her amazing insight—they had to stand together or they’d be torn apart. Why then did it still feel like there was a wedge between him and the rest of her family? She was stuck somewhere between the two—between Jackson and her family. It wasn’t fair to her.
Clara had fretted all night long about Eve. She felt guilty about bringing dishonesty to the newlyweds. She’d cried herself to sleep in Jackson arms as she mourned for her relationship with Clay. She may not understand it, but he knew that’s why she cried.
He thought about the situation in reverse—if he’d had a baby sister and some older guy had taken advantage of her. How would he handle it? Just exactly the same way Clay had. He wouldn’t believe a guy his age would have honest intentions with a girl of eighteen. He cringed when he thought of what he’d done with her when she was sixteen. What was wrong with him? What he’d done was considered rape. That thought had been eating away at him. What they had wasn’t born of a crime. It was honest and pure. Always had been. He knew it all those years ago when he himself was seventeen. She’d been the only one he could talk to about his parents.
Over the years their connection had become
intense. When she hit puberty he backed off because at fifteen she’d been beautiful and he’d been attracted to her then. But then she’d needed him after her accident. When she’d stood there naked, revealing all of her vulnerabilities, all he’d meant to do was reassure her and make her confident of her beauty.
Their lives grew entwined like vines. Once they came together in that carnal way their fates sealed and it became impossible to untangle himself from her—they’d become one root. Their physical and emotional strength grew, nourished by the love and need they fulfilled in one another.
With the first touch of his lips to her silky skin he knew he would never be able to pull away without a taste. A taste led to a touch that led to a need for them both. He’d needed to be connected to her on an innate primal level and she’d needed the same. When they came together it was like he’d been reborn. He had her and everything she brought with her—purity, innocence, and truth. He no longer felt alone, but part of something huge that grew from a tiny seed into an all-encompassing tree of life that he needed to survive. She needed the shelter and shade that tree offered just as much as he did.
“Let’s go get some beignets.” She sidled up to him in the bathroom and made eye contact through the mirror. He’d been so deep in thought her bright morning demeanor had startled him a little.
“Okay so no beignets. What would you like?”
He wanted to not be the albatross around her neck. He was the source of all the problems in her life. “Beignets are good.” His voice was unsteady.
She frowned at him. He tugged her out of the bathroom and gathered his wallet and the hotel keycard.
“Ready?”
She nodded.
They walked to the familiar green and white striped awning. It was early so the lines weren’t long just yet. At the window he placed their order.
“Two orders: one no sugar. Two coffees, au lait.”
He heard Clara’s deflating sigh and turned to see the source of her discomfort. Clay and Eve appeared under the awning. She gripped his arm firmly and said, “Wait here.”
He watched Clara approach as if she were a deer and her brother a lion. Every move she made deliberate. Every move he made stilted. While he waited for his order he watched them. Not much was happening, but then he saw Eve look at Clay anxiously and then she worried her bottom lip in her teeth. Clara’s hands fisted at her sides as Clay shook his head in disdain.
