I smile and grab a donut. He knows me so well. Some people need caffeine to start their evening. Ever since I got pregnant, I require a less than healthy dose of sugar.
I’m not sure where to check next. I head down the wing towards Ethan’s room and see a note on his door that says, “Cold.” Yes, that does describe this place. I backtrack towards Ethan’s office and again find a note that reads, “Cold.” The hall to the gym yields similar results. This place is ridiculous. I feel like I’m in one of those Halloween corn mazes hitting a dead end at every turn. Where have I missed?
“Jackson Christo, where are you?” I call from the kitchen. I notice a door twenty feet to the left of the hall to Ethan’s room that I thought was a supply room. It has a note on it. “Warmer.” I swear the note wasn’t there a few minutes ago. The door has an odd handle. I reach for it, hear a click, and I’m able to push the door open.
I feel like I’ve stepped from Minimalist Hell straight into a fairy tale.
I’m in a large playroom done in warm colors and equipped to the hilt. One wall contains large, dark wood cabinets labeled “3-6 months,” “6-12 months,” “12-18 months.” Inside are toys and books applicable to each age. Not an over the top number—but enough to keep the babies busy. I guess I can put Ethan’s ugly plastic grapes back in his office.
There’s a TV screen playing cartoons, a baby swing, jumper, and a giant play castle, complete with tower. I want to take the time to see everything but want to find Jax and the babies more. A hall extends from the back of the room. On the wall next to it, there’s a note saying, “Even Warmer.”
I walk down the hall. Now there are arrows pointing the way. They take me past a door on the right with a note saying, “Skip,” all the way down the hall and to a door on the left. I open it and find a nicely furnished room—with mostly white, male attire in the closet—and pictures of me and the babies framed on the dresser. Jax’s room.
More notes with arrows lead to an adjoining door. Through it is my dream bedroom, the one I described to Jax just the other night when asking if I could do “Extreme Makeover-Kira Edition” on this place. A four-poster bed adorned in warm gold and blue tones. Framed pictures of the babies, my parents, and my brother on the wall, with a mural of my favorite beach in San Diego behind them. There’s a walk-in closet full of a variety of clothes—none of which are shimmering or look like they belong on a hooker.
I press on and open another adjoining door. Behind it, I find the babies’ nursery. One round crib fit for a princess, a dark wood crib fit for a king, and room for a third crib. There’s a changing table. The walls have hand painted murals of fairy tale scenes. And finally, there are both a couch and a rocking chair.
Jax is sleeping in the rocking chair, his hair sticking out in every direction. And he has two babies snuggled together and pressed against him.
He brought Evvie.
Tears stream down my face. I stand and watch. The sight is beautiful. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen Jax sleep. He looks so relaxed and angelic.
Gads, I love him. I mean, I know I can’t fall in love with him despite how easy it would be. He is Ethan’s brother and has never shown anything more than a fierce desire to protect me and the babies. And I’ve pretty much proven I’m a failure in the love department. But Jax has more honor in his pinky finger than most men will ever have. How many guys could climb in bed with a girl every day to solely give her comfort rather than make a move? Not many. Jax either has the world’s best restraint or just isn’t remotely attracted to me. Given he has only seen me at my worst—a hormonal train wreck—I’m pretty sure it’s the latter.
I look around the room again. Jax did all this for us. My heart could not be more full.
A huge dimple-full smile washes across his face, and an eye pops open.
“What took you so long, love?”
I can’t help but laugh. “This place is so huge that you were able to do a full remodel of a section without me noticing.” I peel Evvie off him, lean her against my chest, press a kiss to her hair, and inhale her sweet baby smell. Even though Jax has snuck me off to Heart to see her nightly, it hasn’t been the same.
“Extreme Home Makeover-Jax style. Do you approve?”
He stands and puts Zander into his crib, rubbing his back until he settles back down. I reluctantly put Evvie in hers. She’s sound asleep.
“Hmmmm…” I tap on my cheek. “You seem to have forgotten the petting zoo and amusement park. But other than that, it is pretty much…perfect. Just like you.” I push up on to my tiptoes, wrap my arms around his neck, and bury my hands in his hair. Man I love his hair. I could play with it all day. I give him a kiss on the cheek and then pull him into a hug.
He squeezes me and twirls me in a circle before setting me down. “Did you say that I am perfect? That’s so much better than the last thing you said about me.”
I furrow my brow trying to figure out what he’s talking about. “What did I say?”
He gives me a serious look. “On the ship out of Garden City, you had some very choice words to describe me and what you would like to have happen to me.”
I put my hands on my hips. “Tell me…”
Jax grins and shakes his head. “You were having a bad evening at the time. As long as I’m perfect now…”
What could I have said? All I remember is the boat rocking, and me puking and being in a terrible funk. It’ll come to me, but my mind is currently blank. “Whatever it was, I use the pregnancy defense. I wasn’t in my right mind at the time. So if I thought of you as anything less than perfect, I humbly apologize and beg for your forgiveness.”
“You are definitely forgiven.”
He stares at me, dropping his gaze to my lips with a look that sends shivers through every nerve in my body. My heart starts pounding. Then he runs his thumb across the corner of my mouth, and my breath hitches. In a low voice he whispers, “Donut residue. I should have brought you sugar that evening. Then, maybe, you would have been a little nicer.”
“Sugar is the way to a girl’s heart.” I blush furiously, realizing I implied he is after my heart. Of course he isn’t. Gads, I’m an idiot thinking that I saw desire on his face. It was only wishful thinking on my part. He was only staring at my lips because I had donut on them, not because he wanted to kiss me. I can’t help but be a little disappointed and have to hold back a frown.
Jax winks at me. “Silly girl. Let me give you a tour of the rest.” He grabs my hand, intertwines his fingers with mine, and takes me through the door I’d skipped by when following the arrows. There are rooms for the babies’ day and night nurses—both Arbiter, grandmother-aged women. There’s a room for an Arbiter guard—who will stay whenever Jax has to leave on business. And a room set up for me to do my therapy in. My therapist—an Arbiter from Heart—will, apparently, be popping in and out. I also managed to miss the “snack center” off the playroom.
“Are you okay with me being right next door to you?” Jax asks when he walks me from his room to mine. “I always know when you need me, so I don’t need to be so close if it makes you uncomfortable.”
I sit down on the edge of my bed, and Jax sits next to me. With a crooked grin, I say, “I’m fine with it. After all, we have lived under the same roof for the last year. I’m sure Ethan will be furious…or not. Maybe he’ll appreciate the privacy, so he can entertain his lady friend.”
Jax pulls my chin up, forcing me to look him in the eyes. “Kira, first of all—Ethan can’t get into this wing. Each door’s handprint-encoded. It’s for Evvie’s—all the babies—and your safety. He could try to portal in, but I don’t think that will work since he doesn’t know what the interior looks like. To placate him, I’ve put an intercom at each door where he can ask for Zander. And second, just because your Cleaving to Ethan is dissolved doesn’t mean that things need to be a mess with Ethan. He’s hurt and angry and horribly jealous, but he still cares for you. Because of Zander, he’s always going to be a part of your life. So, yo
u need to make peace with him, start over, and see if he’s the guy you want to be with.”
I blink and feel the water pool in my eyes. My tongue feels thick in my mouth, and I can’t form words since my brain’s a mess of jumbled thoughts. I’m not sure I can ever forgive Ethan for threatening to kill Jax. I don’t care what he thought or how jealous he was. I can’t believe Jax is pushing me back his way.
He presses his forehead against mine. “Love, I’m not telling you that you have to be or should be with Ethan. You’re going to have to figure out what you want. And when you are ready to give your whole heart to someone—without hesitation or restriction—then you’ll know that it’s right. In the meantime, try not to judge Ethan for how he reacted to some pretty extreme circumstances. He thought you were dead. And then he found us together. Nothing will drive a guy mad faster than seeing the girl he loves with someone else.”
Twelve months prior: at sea, Thera
An all too chipper Jax was shaking me. “Rise and shine, love. We have work to do.”
I peeked at the clock and confirmed that this was not an hour that any normal human being would want to be awake on Thera. But, then again, Jax was far from a normal human being. He plucked people from the grips of death and brought them to Thera. Whenever he drove me crazy, which was often, I teased him about his “day job” as the Grim Reaper.
Just an hour ago, I was awake and puking up dark-yellow stomach acid. And the hour before that. And the hour before that… I got maybe two hours sleep total. Evening sickness would have been bad enough but evening sickness on a moving ship—lethal combination.
“Go away. There’s no love here.” I swatted his hand away, so he proceeded to strip the covers off me, and I was blasted with cold air. My daygown was no match for the frigid temperature the ship was kept at.
“Sure there is. You love your parents and your brother. And I’ll grow on you eventually.” He had a smirk on his face that needed to be removed.
“Like a fungus. Jax, you’re the most annoying person in the universe. I’m surprised Ethan didn’t knife you to death in your youth.”
“Harsh words, love. You wound me. As punishment, we’re going to discuss Daynighter policy tonight. All night. You seem to have forgotten your self-imposed mission—take down the SCI and all that.” Hmmph. I had too many other things on my plate to worry about the SCI. Like sulking.
He scooped me up and draped me over his shoulder—vomit stained daygown and all—and carried me into the small bathroom.
I pounded on his backside. “Put me down, Jax. I want to go back to sleep.” Even if I had gotten a good day’s sleep, I’d have wanted to stay in bed all night. I was struggling with severe depression—enough that Jax forced me to see an onboard therapist nightly. It was tougher to be around my parents in their current state than I ever imagined. I’d started having daymares about their deaths and about the explosion at the Goodington’s. Reliving it all took an extreme toll on me. My therapist insisted I work through the guilt, pain, and grief I felt. But it was too much, and I felt my sanity slipping a little every day.
“I’m not going to let you wallow tonight. We’re going to work, and then you’re going to spend quality time with your therapist.” He turned on the shower and stepped in, drenching us both with cold water—between the cold air and cold water my teeth chattered.
“I hate you.” I pushed him back and then cranked up the temperature. “Get out.”
He stood there for a moment as the steam rose, chuckling at my drenched, rat-like appearance. “Wash up well, love. You smell like vomit.”
Jax let me take a short break at 2000 hours to eat breakfast with my parents, Jared, and Leila. I mutilated a muffin, but my stomach churned from the smell of orange juice and bacon, so I couldn’t actually get much food down.
“I’m worried about you, sis.” Jared whispered in my ear.
I glanced up briefly from my muffin massacre. “I’ll deal. I always do.”
My mother looked over at me and said, “Kira, dear. Would you like to take a walk around deck? The salt air might do you some good.” I knew, from experience, that an unsteady stroll along the deck involved many stops to puke over the rail.
“I appreciate the offer, but I’m not feeling up to it.” I glared across the table at Jax who was eating a particularly smelly, cow-sized omelet.
Jax stood and walked around the table. He put his hands on my shoulders and started rubbing. I relaxed into him, partially forgiving him for his evening wakeup routine. “I think a walk’s in order. I’ll keep you steady.”
I succumbed to the peer pressure and made it one and a half laps before vomiting up the couple crumbs I’d ingested. Jax held my hair and then took me back to my cabin to brush my teeth.
“You’re going to be the death of me, Jax.”
He kissed me on the forehead and pulled me into a warm embrace. “On the contrary, love. I’m going to keep you from being the death of you.”
Present
Jax and I are sprawled out side by side on the floor giving the babies tummy time. Jax is imitating Zander, who looks like a human airplane, and Evvie’s giggling at them.
I wonder if Aiden’s getting any tummy time. Does he giggle like Evvie or coo like Zander? What does he look like? Does his caregiver give him love and enough attention?
“Don’t go there, love.”
“I can’t help but wonder, Jax. And besides…I thought you promised not to read my mind.”
Jax rolls over on to his side, presses into me, and whispers in my ear. “I said I’d try. But whenever you go to the dark side, it sets off alarm bells.” His proximity’s setting off alarm bells in me, too, but an altogether different train of thought. His touch usually calms me. Instead it’s charged. Every nerve ending in my body’s on fire. I find my gaze dropping from his dilated eyes to his lips. I am imagining all kinds of things I should not be thinking of doing with my best friend. Jax chuckles and kisses me on the nose, pulling me out of my fantasy. “Much better. I’m all for negative thought replacement therapy.”
Ugh. I roll over and bury my head, completely humiliated. Finally, I peek out and say, “Did you do something to me?” After all, I did see him shock Ethan to the point of causing him physical pain. I wonder just how much Jax is capable of.
He stares straight ahead at the babies instead of looking me in the eye. “You give me too much credit, love. It takes effort, on my part, to calm you. And it takes effort to…disable someone. In this case, I just did…nothing…other than touch you.” What? I’m so confused. How much effort does it take to calm me down? Jax helps me all the time. He has been for a year. Does helping me hurt him?
Zander starts to fuss, a clear indicator that he’s done with tummy time, and Jax flips him onto his back under some hanging toys. I do the same for Evvie.
“Don’t you ever worry about me, love. I’m happy to help. You know that I’d do anything for you and the babies.”
I grimace. I don’t mean to, but now I’m wondering if everything with Jax has been contrived…artificially generated.
Jax rolls his eyes at me. “Think of all the non-existent Theran money I saved you on mood stabilizers. As much as I’d love to be subject to your wrath, we have unpleasant company.”
Before I can respond, there’s a sharp knock on the door.
Paul, a short, stocky Arbiter guard is on the other side. “Sorry to interrupt. Ms. Donovan has a visitor who would ‘like to see her grandson immediately.’”
Grandparents are supposed to be sweet and to spoil their grandkids. Not be totalitarian dictators. I groan at the thought of Vienna Darcton touching my child. As silly as it is, I wonder if evil is hereditary or can be absorbed through the skin.
“I’m going to get one of the nurses to take Evvie. I don’t trust you alone with Vienna.” Jax scoops up Evvie and disappears. He’s back in less than a minute.
We exit the playroom together and find Vienna in the living room. She’s wearing a dark blue pantsu
it with a white blouse—definitely not Garden City wear—and standing next to a blue pram-style stroller with a giant red bow on it.
She snarls at the sight of Jax but holds out her arms for the baby. “I think I’ve been kept from my grandson long enough.”
I hesitate in complying, holding Zander firmly against my chest. “You mean one of your grandsons. The other was kidnapped, yet the Ten has made no efforts to help rescue him.” I know Blake’s on the trail, but it has been over three months. Jax assures me that Blake is making progress but nothing short of having my son returned will help.
“The Ten has no knowledge or involvement in the matter. Perhaps had you not run away, the incident would have never happened. Did you come to me after to request my help? No, you hid away, letting everyone—including your Cleave—think you were dead.” The forced early birth of her grandson was an “incident”? I despise this woman.
“Ethan is no longer my Cleave, or did you forget?”
Her green eyes flare with anger, and blood rushes to her pale skin. “Oh, Kira. My memory’s as solid as an elephant. I forget nothing. You may think that you are invincible as a ward of the Arbiters, but you’re sadly mistaken. And, surely, I remember nothing about your other children, friends, or family members being covered under that umbrella of protection. Now hand me my grandson before I bring down a storm on you and your loved ones that you’ll never forget.”
Jax steps forward to physically intervene, but I put a hand on his shoulder. “It’s okay Jax. Vienna, this is Zander.” I place Zander into her arms. He immediately starts wailing. Smart boy. Vienna rocks him and gets him to calm down, but I can tell he’s still wary of this stranger.
She sets him in the stroller and starts pushing. “Come now. Let’s take a walk.”
Jax stops the forward progress of the pram. “I prefer we speak here.”
Vienna shakes her head. “Nonsense. You can’t keep them cooped up in here forever. Fresh air will do us all good. I have a matter that I need to discuss with you both that involves Ethan.”
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