by Sarah Banks
“He doesn’t love me,” Anna stated flatly.
“Oh Anna,” Lucy replied, hugging her, her voice and expression sympathetic. “Start from the beginning and tell me everything.”
Lucy was sympathetic when Anna told her of her parents’ death and living with her grandfather and then her cousin. She was upset when she learned of Anna’s cousin’s husband’s advances toward her. And she was downright indignant when she learned of Jack’s terms for their marriage.
“You should have said no,” Lucy said angrily, standing with her hands on her hips. “He doesn’t deserve you.”
“But I love him,” Anna said softly.
Lucy sat down with a sigh and squeezed Anna’s hand. “Isn’t that always how it is?”
“And I love his daughter like my own. Truly.”
Lucy’s expression softened.
“But he doesn’t love me.”
“How can you be so sure?” Lucy asked.
“He doesn’t,” Anna replied firmly. “He made it clear on our wedding day that all he really wanted was a maid, a cook and a nanny. And he keeps himself from me. Just when I think we’re starting to grow close, he pulls away.”
“Because he’s a stubborn man, not because he doesn’t love you,” Lucy insisted.
Anna shook her head. “I don’t know,” she responded, her voice unsure.
“Jack lost his first wife suddenly,” Lucy started. “He never talked about it to me but I know from experience how difficult that is. It can be hard to move forward when you’re anchored to the past, especially to someone you loved and lost suddenly.”
Anna nodded.
“I thought the pain would never go away and I don’t think it does completely, but I do think it gets easier. I was so surprised when Jack told me he wanted to place an ad for a bride. He helped me so much after my husband died, I was happy to be able to help him in some way. He seemed like he was finally ready to start the next chapter of his life. I think Jack truly wants to move forward but is scared of getting hurt.”
“I would never hurt him,” Anna said emphatically.
“I know you wouldn’t. What I mean is, if he lost you too.”
Anna didn’t know what to say.
“It’s obvious to me that he cares for you. But he’s holding back. I think he’s trying to protect himself, to keep from getting hurt again,” Lucy said softly.
Anna looked up at Lucy with tears in her eyes. “I think love is worth the risk,” Anna said softly.
“So do I,” Lucy whispered.
Anna hugged her friend tightly.
“Be patient with him. Continue to love him and his daughter. In time, he’ll come to realize how much he cares about you. You’ll see,” Lucy promised.
After they dried their tears, Lucy ordered a pot of tea and lunch to be sent up. After it was delivered, Lucy laid it all out on the table in front of the sofa where they both sat and began to pour the tea.
“See that stack of letters over there?” Lucy asked, nodding toward a writing desk positioned by the window.
Anna turned and saw several organized piles of papers on the desk. She nodded.
“I’ve been extra busy with prospective grooms advertising for brides and do you know why?”
Anna shook her head.
“Because of you,” Lucy replied with a smile.
Anna’s eyebrow furrowed. “I don’t understand.”
“Because Sweet Creek is full of lonely single men and they’re ready for a change. They’ve either seen you in passing or heard of you. Not only are you beautiful, but you’re kind, hardworking and a good mother to Jack’s daughter. They want that for themselves,” Lucy explained.
Anna was moved. “I hope they find it,” she said sincerely.
“So do I,” Lucy replied with a soft smile.
After lunch they ordered a second pot of tea and a tray of cookies and spent the next few hours talking and laughing. Anna felt like she and Lucy had been friends since childhood.
Only when there was a knock at the door did Anna realize how late it had gotten. She glanced at her watch and jumped up from the sofa. It would be getting dark by the time she walked home.
“Oh no, I didn’t realize how late it was. I said I’d only be gone for lunch. I don’t want to worry anyone.” She found her boots and pulled them on and then began to collect her jacket, bonnet and purse while Lucy answered the door.
“Hullo Jack,” Lucy said evenly.
Anna paused in buttoning up her jacket, surprised when she heard Jack’s voice. “Is she here?” He asked.
“Yes,” Lucy replied coolly. “Anna, Jack’s here.”
Anna grabbed her bonnet and purse and walked to the door. Jack wore a tense expression. His hair was mussed, his eyes wary and his mouth bracketed. He seemed to relax when he saw her.
“Jack, what are you doing here?” She asked curiously.
“I had business in town. I thought I’d see if you were ready and needed a ride back.”
“Yes, that would be wonderful.”
“The wagon’s parked out front. I’ll wait downstairs.”
She nodded. “I’ll be right down.”
He nodded, said goodbye to Lucy and left.
Anna hugged Lucy.
“Thank you Lucy, for everything.”
Lucy hugged her tight. “Remember what I said, okay? Just give him time.”
∞∞∞
Anna was silent the entire wagon ride home thinking about her and Lucy’s conversation. Could it be that the terms Jack had set for their marriage was his way of protecting himself from falling in love again and possibly losing her?
When Jack pulled the wagon in front of the house and set the brake, he came around and lifted her out of the wagon. He held her as he set her feet on the ground and they stared into each other’s eyes. She held her breath and tried to figure out what the yearning look in his eyes meant. He didn’t say anything before he finally released her.
Anna made supper and did the dishes before settling in front of the fireplace. First she brushed and braided Harry’s hair and then pulled out Harry’s half-finished nightgown and began to sew while Jack read aloud.
When Jack lifted Harry to carry her to bed she awoke and held out her arms to Anna. “Goodnight Anna,” she mumbled.
“Goodnight sweetheart,” Anna said, hugging her as Jack held her. She was very aware she was also pressed up against Jack.
“Goodnight Jack.”
After Jack and Harry went upstairs, instead of going to bed herself, Anna went outside and used the privy before returning to the porch. She was a little tired but she had too much on her mind. She knew that she wouldn’t be able to sleep. She would just lay there and stare at the ceiling so she decided to stay outside for a little while longer. She loved it out here. She would never tire of the Colorado sunrises, sunsets or star-filled night sky.
She stood on the top step of the porch, her arm wrapped around one of the main support posts and stared out into the dark landscape, the wind pulling tendrils from her chignon and whipping them across her face.
She heard the door open behind her and turned to see Jack walk out onto the porch. It was similar to last night. He was barefoot, his shirt was open and his hair was mussed like he had been lying in bed.
“I think it’s going to rain,” Anna said over her shoulder. There was moisture in the air and she couldn’t see the moon, only a few stars in between the clouds.
“I think you’re right.”
“Will it hurt the crops you just planted?” She asked.
“Nah it won’t be enough to hurt them. It’ll just be a little shower. We could use a little bit of rain.”
Anna turned to smile at him. “I really love it here Jack. I think it must be the most beautiful and peaceful place in the entire world. And everyone is so kind to me. I feel for the first time since I was seven years old that I’m finally where I belong.”
“I’m glad,” he said softly.
She leaned agai
nst the post behind her, gripping it with her hands as she watched him as he leaned against the opposite post. He stared at her for a long moment before taking a step toward her and then another until their toes were practically touching. He reached up and cradled her face and she closed her eyes as his lips touched hers. She sighed with pleasure.
Anna wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed her body against his. His arms came around her and he held her tightly as he kissed her deeply. She made a little mewling sound and he groaned and kissed her even deeper before he stepped back suddenly, unwrapping her arms from around his neck and setting her away from him.
They stood two feet apart staring at each other. They were both breathing heavily. Anna knew her heart was in her eyes. She loved this man so much she physically ached. But Jack’s eyes held a different emotion all together. Anger. He was angry with her? Because they kissed? She watched as his face went carefully blank as he withdrew himself from her yet again.
A sob tore from Anna’s throat and she ran inside.
Chapter Sixteen
Jack stood on the porch staring at the front door, fighting the urge to go after Anna.
“You really are a horse’s behind you know,” said a voice from behind him.
Jack spun. His eyes searched the darkness until he saw a match being struck, softly illuminating his brother’s face as he lit two cigarettes, the tips glowing orange in the night. He ground out the match, casting himself back into shadow.
Jack stepped off the porch and slowly walked to the barn. He stood in front of his brother who sat on the ground, his back leaning against the open doorway to the barn. Jack could see his brother’s horse just inside eating hay.
“How long have you been here?” Jack asked his brother.
“Long enough to see you break that poor girl’s heart,” James returned, offering him one of the rolled cigarettes.
Jack took the cigarette and slid down the barn door until he was sitting beside his brother. He inhaled deeply, blowing the smoke away.
“You came all the way out here to tell me that I’m a horse’s behind?” He asked his brother dryly.
James shrugged.
“Did you just get into town?”
“Nah, a few days ago.”
Jack looked at his brother in disbelief. “You’ve been in town a few days?”
James nodded.
Jack didn’t see his brother very often these days. They had moved to Sweet Creek together over eight years ago. James lost his wife and child in childbirth a little over a year later. It had been a horrible tragedy. After he buried his wife, James had burned down his small cabin the two brothers had built together and left town the next day.
Jack had hoped that his brother would settle down in Sweet Creek again someday but it had been seven years since he left and James never showed any interest in returning to his previous life. He came through town once or twice a year. He was always vague on where he had been and what he had been doing. He would visit Jack and Harry for a few short days before packing up and moving on again.
“Where are you staying?” Jack asked.
“With the Widow Carson.”
Jack had wondered how it was nobody told him that his brother was in town but if James had been holed up at the edge of town with Widow Carson, it was likely no one had seen much of him.
“How is Mrs. Carson?”
“Getting married.”
Shock registered on Jack’s features. “To you?” He asked his brother.
“Heck no. I like Mrs. Carson well enough but we are—”
James didn’t need to finish the sentence. Jack knew that Mrs. Carson and his brother kept company on and off over the past few years when James was in town.
“If she’s getting married why are you staying with her?”
“I’m staying in her barn,” James answered testily.
Jack laughed.
“When Grace told me my first night in town that you went and got yourself hitched I didn’t believe it. And then she said it was to someone you had never even met, a mail order bride and I thought for sure Grace had hit her head or something but she was adamant. Then I started to wonder if maybe you hit your head. Did you?”
Jack smiled and shook his head.
“I never thought you’d get married again. She’s real pretty. Lucy said Anna’s one of the kindest, sweetest people she’s ever met,” James said.
“You talked to Lucy?” Jack asked. Both brothers had been good friends with Lucy’s husband Rob. After he died, Jack helped her sell the farm and move into town. They remained good friends. Good enough friends that Lucy didn’t bother to hide her disdain for Jack this afternoon when he had gone to pick up Anna. He wondered how much Anna had shared about their unconventional marriage. Going by the look on Lucy’s face, Jack guessed everything.
“Earlier this evening,” James replied. “Lucy said you were being a pig-headed mule’s behind. Thought I’d come see for myself.” He exhaled smoke. “Seems about accurate.”
Jack scowled. He ground out his cigarette but he kept silent.
“I may be mistaken but that woman seems to love you,” James said, studying his brother.
Jack paled.
“And I can tell from the way you look at her that you’re not completely unmoved. So what’s the problem?”
Jack looked at his brother. He knew that if anybody would understand his fears, it would be James.
“When I first thought about remarrying, I felt almost like I was being unfaithful to Deb. I knew it didn’t make any sense and yet the feeling was there. But then as time went by I realized that it was more about me than her. I was afraid if I cared for someone again, entwined my life with hers and something happened to her…” He paused. “I just can’t go through that again. So I set the terms of the marriage as being one of convenience. And I’ve been fighting my feelings for Anna ever since. Never in a million years did I expect to advertise for a wife that I would come to care for so much in such a short amount of time. And all I’ve done so far is hurt her.”
James studied his brother for a long while. “I think I understand.”
“Any advice?”
James shook his head. “Nah, I think you’ve just about figured it out on your own.”
Jack ran both hands through his hair. Had he? Because all he really wanted to do was go after Anna. The brothers sat in silence for a while.
“How long are you staying?” He finally asked James.
“I’m leaving tonight.”
“Harry will be disappointed.”
“Then don’t tell her I was here. I’ll be back in a few months,” he said nonchalantly.
“She misses you.”
James didn’t answer.
“You ever plan on moving back to Sweet Creek and settling down again?” He asked his brother.
“I don’t know,” James said getting to his feet. “I’ll tell you what. Maybe I’ll see how you do and make my decision then.” He smiled.
Jack shook his head and laughed. He stood and embraced his brother.
He watched his brother saddle his horse and mount up. James lifted his hat to Jack as he passed, slowly riding his horse down the drive. He lifted his hand in a wave just before disappearing down the hill. After a couple of minutes, Jack could hear the distant sounds of a horse galloping in the direction of Sweet Creek.
The time between his brother’s visits seemed to be getting longer and longer but somehow James always seemed to be there when Jack needed him. They were at each other’s wedding, they moved to Sweet Creek together, they helped build each other’s houses and started their farms together. James was there for Harry’s birth and had come back when he heard Jack’s wife died. No one other than Lucy knew Jack had sent for a wife and yet somehow, James managed to return to town shortly after, to listen to Jack’s thoughts and to give him advice. He wished his brother would stay longer but was satisfied with his promise that he would be back.
Jack thought about his
wife who was now probably asleep in a bed that he wanted to be sharing with her. He cared deeply for her despite his efforts to distance himself from her since the very beginning. She was beautiful, sweet and kind, honest and smart, hardworking and a good mother to Harry. He didn’t deserve Anna but he wanted her, only her, for the rest of his life here on earth. He was still scared witless about what the future might hold but he couldn’t fight his feelings for her any longer. He needed her…if she would still have him.
He walked quickly back to the house. There was no light coming out from underneath her door so he lit a lamp low and knocked quietly on Anna’s door before entering, closing the door behind him.
Anna turned over from facing the wall. She squinted against the light. “Jack?”
She didn’t appear to have been asleep but her eyes were red and swollen, her voice raw. She had been crying again.
Jack slowly walked toward the bed. He set the lamp on the nightstand next to hers and sat on the edge of the bed. He reached for her hand, brushing his thumb across her ring finger.
She sat up next to him, the covers falling to her hips. “Are you okay?” Anna asked with concern, her eyes searching his face.
Jack shook his head and lifted her hand, brushing a kiss across the back of the same finger. He cradled her jaw with his hand. She showed a moment of weakness and closed her eyes, leaning into his hand. When she opened her eyes again they were filled with unshed tears.
“I’m so sorry Anna. I never meant to hurt you,” he whispered.
Tears spilled over. “I know,” she whispered back.
He leaned forward and kissed her softly before rubbing his lips gently across hers. He could taste her tears. He brought his other hand up, cradling her head and kissed her again. She let out a small sob and opened her mouth under his. He kissed her long and deep, tasting his sweet Anna.
When he finally pulled back, he pressed his forehead against hers, “I was wrong Anna. I need you like I need air.” He pulled back even further so he could look into her beautiful dark eyes. “If you’ll still have me?”
She held out her arms.
