Hilariously Ever After

by Box Set

He gave her a half-hearted nod. “It’s not like it’s the first time I’ve ever been dumped.” He let out a shaky breath. “Thanks for letting me cry on your shoulder.”

  “You didn’t actually do any crying,” she said. “On my shoulder, or any other parts of me. Although, you can, if you need to. I’ve got a pretty good shoulder, right here. Two of ’em, actually. And they’re both available.”

  He almost sort of smiled. “I’m good. Or I will be.” His eyes focused on her, and he looked like he wanted to say something. His mouth opened, but all that came out was, “I’ll see you later, Melody.”

  Lacey called the next day and asked Melody to meet her for coffee. Melody was fairly certain she could guess what it was about, and agreed to meet her at the place near the yoga studio that afternoon.

  Melody arrived first and got in line. Lacey showed up a few minutes later in a T-shirt and the same cut-off shorts she’d worn to the picnic with her hair hidden under a baseball cap. “Sorry I’m late,” she said.

  “It’s fine,” Melody said. “I’ll get the coffee, and you snag us that table over by the window.”

  When their order was ready, she carried it over to the table where Lacey was waiting, drumming her fingers on the Formica tabletop.

  “I have to tell you something,” Lacey said as soon as Melody was sitting down.

  “I think I already know.”

  Lacey’s face crumpled a little. “Jeremy told you, didn’t he?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I’m sorry for not telling you sooner. I feel bad about hiding it from you all this time.”

  Melody touched her arm. “You’re not under any obligation to tell me anything until you’re ready to talk about it. I’m just here if you need me, okay?”

  “Thanks.” Lacey picked at the cardboard sleeve on her coffee cup, frowning.

  “So…are you okay?”

  “Sure.” Lacey gave a one-shouldered shrug. “I mean, I’m not the one who got dumped, right?” She made a noise that was probably meant to be a laugh, but it sounded more like a sob.

  “It still must have been hard.”

  Lacey blew out a shaky breath. “It wasn’t fun, that’s for sure. It could have gone worse, I guess, but not much.”

  “He was just hurt. Whatever he said, he didn’t mean it.”

  “Oh, I’m pretty sure he meant it.” Lacey stared into her coffee, which she’d yet to touch. “It’s not like it was anything I didn’t have coming. I should have told him sooner. It wasn’t fair to lie to him like that.” She paused to suck in a long, measured breath, then looked up at Melody. “How is he?”

  Melody didn’t have any idea. She hadn’t heard from Jeremy since he left her apartment yesterday. “I think it was a shock.”

  Lacey nodded, looking miserable. “He’ll be okay.” It sounded like she was trying to convince herself. “It’s not like we were all that happy, you know? Even before I met Tessa, we were—” she faltered, “sometimes it was like I didn’t even know why we were together.”

  “Why were you?” Melody couldn’t help asking. She couldn’t understand why anyone would stay with somebody when they were in love with someone else.

  “You have to understand,” Lacey said, shifting in her seat, “when Charlotte found out about us, it was ugly. She and Jeremy had been together for so long—even though they weren’t really together for a lot of it, with him away at school on the other side of the country—everyone assumed they were going to get married.”

  “Didn’t she know about the cheating?”

  Lacey shrugged. “She said she didn’t, but I think she did. She had to. It wasn’t like he was subtle about it. I think she honestly believed he’d change. That he’d get it all out of his system in college, then come back to her and settle down.”

  “That seems kind of…naive,” Melody said.

  “Yeah, but that’s Charlotte. She’s always needed to be perfect: perfect grades, perfect clothes, perfect boyfriend. She and Jeremy were the perfect couple—or, at least, that’s what she wanted everyone to think. She could turn a blind eye to his cheating for the sake of appearances so long as he was off at school—out of sight, out of mind, you know? But when she found out he’d slept with me, that was too much. She completely lost it.”

  “How’d she find out?”

  Lacey’s eyes shifted away. “I sort of told her.”

  Melody’s mouth fell open. “Why?”

  “I wish I could say it was because I was trying to protect her, but…we were having a fight—about something stupid, I don’t even remember now—and I got so pissed, I threw it in her face.”

  “Yikes,” Melody said. “What happened?”

  “She made a big scene. Broke up with Jeremy, and made sure everyone knew why. She didn’t speak to me for almost a year. Things still aren’t great between us, but she can tolerate being in the same room with me now, at least.”

  Melody wanted to feel sorry for Lacey, but she couldn’t help thinking she sort of deserved it.

  “It’s okay,” Lacey said, reading her expression. “You’re allowed to think I’m shitty.”

  “I don’t think you’re shitty. I just think…you made some not great choices.”

  “I fucked up. No question. All I can say is I was young and clearly working through some shit.”

  “Okay, but how did you and Jeremy end up together after that?” She still didn’t understand that part. It seemed like asking for more trouble.

  Lacey sighed. “You have to understand, Jeremy and I were the bad guys, and everyone we knew kind of ganged up on us—our friends, our families. Everyone was pissed at us. Neither of us had anywhere else to turn, so we ended up turning to each other. It sort of pushed us together, you know?”

  Melody nodded, and Lacey continued.

  “It was never supposed to be serious. We were just goofing around. A couple of stupid kids screwing around behind my sister’s back, thinking we could get away with it. But after it all came out, we sort of fell back into each other and it was like, what was the point of causing all that misery if it wasn’t so we could be together? I don’t think either of us ever stopped to think about whether it was what we actually wanted.” She shook her head. “I’m not sure we were ever happy, to be honest.”

  “Are you happy now? With Tessa?”

  “Yeah,” Lacey said, breaking into a smile. “I am.”

  “Then that’s all that matters,” Melody said. “Tessa seems great.”

  Lacey’s smile got wider. “She is. Better than I deserve, that’s for damn sure.”

  “How long have you guys been…” Melody didn’t know what to call it. Secretly in love?

  “Since May.”

  “Wow.” So, before Melody had even met them. It explained a lot of things.

  “Yeah, I know,” Lacey said, pursing her lips. “I shouldn’t have let it go on so long.”

  “Why did you? I mean, if you knew you wanted to be with Tessa, I guess I don’t understand why you wouldn’t just be with her?”

  Lacey hunched forward, balling her hands into fists. “Because I was a fucking coward. I just kept hoping Jeremy would break up with me so I didn’t have to be the one to do it. So I wouldn’t have to tell him I was leaving him for a woman.”

  Melody had thought Lacey was utterly fearless. She was always so direct and self-confident, like she never had a single fuck to give. It was a shock—but also kind of heartening—to realize even someone like her could be paralyzed by fear.

  “The thing is,” Lacey said, “it wasn’t even telling Jeremy that I was really afraid of. It was everything that came after. Telling him meant telling all our friends. And Charlotte. And our parents. It was just…it felt like a lot.”

  Melody nodded in sympathy. She’d watched her high school best friend come out to his parents. There’d been a lot of yelling, crying, and threats of military school and conversion therapy before they’d finally come around. “Have you told them yet?”

  Lacey leaned back in
her chair and smiled. “Yeah, I dropped the bomb at family brunch this morning. It turned out to be way easier than telling Jeremy. Go figure. Charlotte had to get in a few passive aggressive comments, since it wasn’t all about her, but my dad barely even blinked. This macho Latino cop, and all he has to say is, ‘Guess I don’t need to worry about you getting pregnant anymore.’”

  Melody laughed. “That’s good, right?”

  “Yeah. And my mom, she was actually thrilled. Couldn’t wait to tell all her friends about her queer daughter, like it gave her more liberal academic cred or something. For, like, the first time, I’m not the black sheep of the family.”

  “Moms,” Melody said, shaking her head.

  Lacey snorted and reached for her coffee. “They’re all fucking nuts, right?”

  Chapter 12

  It was a few days later when Melody saw Jeremy again. He was walking into the building as she stepped off the elevator in the lobby. “Hi,” she said, heading toward him. “How are you?”

  He gave her one of his work smiles. “I’m good.”

  “Really?” She studied him, trying to decide whether he was actually fine, or just pretending to be someone who was fine. He did look okay, though—almost perky, even.

  “Really,” he assured her, then glanced at his watch. “Sorry, I’ve got a meeting upstairs…”

  “Sure, go ahead,” Melody waved him off and watched him walk away. He was smiling, clean-shaven, with impeccably-styled hair and a freshly-pressed suit. No obvious signs of depression or wallowing. Maybe he was getting over the breakup okay. She hoped so.

  He glanced back at her before he got on the elevator. Melody raised her hand, and he tipped his head in acknowledgement before stepping out of sight.

  At the end of the week, Lacey called and invited Melody out for drinks at the bar where she worked.

  “It’s super low-key,” she said. “It’s just gonna be me, Tessa, and a few friends. Sort of a celebration type thing.”

  “What are we celebrating?”

  “My coming out or whatever.” Lacey sounded embarrassed. “It was Tessa’s idea. It’s really for both of us, to celebrate the fact that we can be together now. Lame, right?”

  “It’s not lame. It’s sweet.”

  Lacey huffed out an irritable breath, and Melody could picture her rolling her eyes. “So, are you in or what?”

  “Definitely in,” Melody said, grinning.

  “Cool,” Lacey said. “Take an Uber. Parking’s a nightmare at the bar—and that way you won’t have to worry about driving yourself home. We’re gonna get our drink on.”

  The bar where Lacey worked was in Studio City. It was one of those swank, speakeasy-style places that were all the rage at the moment. The drinks on the custom cocktail menu all had clever names like “Pig Ol’ Bitties” and “French as Fuck,” and they were made with ingredients Melody had never heard of, like Demerera and Chartreuse—which she’d thought was a color but was apparently also a liquor—or things she had heard of, but never would have thought to put in a drink, like fig jam or beets. Fortunately, she was saved the trouble of navigating the menu when the bartender—sorry, alchemist—brought over a bottle of champagne for their group.

  Besides Melody, Lacey, and Tessa, there were two other women there: Devika and Kelsey. Devika had dark skin and thick copper braids pulled up into a twist on top her head—and the most perfect bone structure Melody had ever seen outside of a movie or magazine. Kelsey looked like a 1940s pin-up girl. She wore bright red lipstick in stark contrast with her pale skin, and her jet-black hair was pinned into retro victory rolls.

  They made Melody feel like the Ugly Duckling, but that was a feeling she was getting used to since she’d moved to LA. People here were just better looking than the rest of the country. You expected it from the actors, but even people who didn’t have anything to do with the entertainment industry were freakishly beautiful and stylish. It was a bit unsettling, honestly.

  Lacey blew the bartender a kiss as he filled their glasses. “Thanks, Terrance.” She was sitting between Melody and Tessa on one of the comfortable leather couches along the wall, with Devika and Kelsey in the two lounge chairs across from them.

  “Anything for you, gorgeous,” Terrance replied with a wink. He was beautiful, too. He looked like Luke Cage—bald and black with biceps as big as Melody’s thigh—and was definitely probably gay. “Give me a wave when you’re ready for something else.”

  “A toast!” Kelsey said, raising her champagne glass. “To this one…” she cast a significant look at Lacey, “finally getting her shit together.”

  “About damn time, too!” Devika chimed in.

  “And to Tessa,” Lacey added, gazing at her like she’d carried her out of a burning building. Which in a way, Melody supposed, she had. “For being patient and waiting for my sorry ass.”

  “I happen to love your ass,” Tessa said, twining her fingers with Lacey’s.

  “Cheers!” Melody said as they all leaned forward and clinked glasses. She didn’t know much about champagne, but this tasted like the good stuff. It felt nice going down.

  “So, Melody, what do you do?” Kelsey asked, leaning back in her lounge chair and stretching her legs out in front of her. She was wearing wingtip Mary Janes with three-inch heels, like a femme fatale from a Raymond Chandler story.

  “I…uh, work in IT,” Melody said, tucking her black Converse out of sight under her seat.

  “What kind of company?” Devika asked.

  “Jeremy’s company, as a matter of fact,” Lacey said with a smirk.

  “Oh, really?” Kelsey raised one perfectly plucked and penciled eyebrow. “Do tell.”

  “Um, there’s not anything to tell.” Melody wasn’t sure what the others would think if they knew she’d hooked up with Jeremy back in college, but she didn’t particularly want to find out. The fact that she and Lacey had both slept with him was weird enough—it would be even weirder to actually talk about it. Like, out loud. With all her friends.

  “Don’t worry. She’s cool,” Lacey said. “She went to MIT. She’s like a genius or something.”

  “What do you do?” Melody asked Kelsey, changing the subject.

  Kelsey shrugged. “Standard issue actress-slash-waitress. More of a waitress at the moment, but such is life.”

  “What about that audition you had last week?” Tessa asked. “It was for a movie, right?”

  Kelsey rolled her eyes. “They wanted someone a little more anorexic. Too bad, too. Jon Hamm was in that movie.”

  “He came in here once,” Lacey said. “I made him a martini. Extra dirty.”

  “Is he as good looking in person?” Melody asked. She’d binge-watched three seasons of Mad Men over a long weekend once. Don Draper might have been a disgusting, sexist man-child, but Jon Hamm was so yummy, she would definitely marry him and have a million of his babies if he asked.

  “Better.” Lacey grinned. “You know what they say about him, right?”

  “You mean that he’s got a foot-long schlong?” Kelsey said with a smirk.

  Lacey nodded. “Terrance over there,” she said with a head tilt in the direction of the bar, “decided he wanted to see for himself, so he followed him into the men’s room.”

  “No, he did not!” Devika said, horrified.

  “What was the verdict?” Melody asked. She wanted to know, okay? Sue her.

  Lacey shrugged. “He used the stall.”

  “Probably just as well,” Kelsey said, swirling her champagne around in her glass. “It’s better to maintain the mystique.”

  “Do you get a lot of celebrities in here?” Melody asked, gazing around the bar. She hadn’t had many celebrity sightings since she’d moved to LA, although she had spotted Jared Leto at a Trader Joe’s once. He’d been wearing sweatpants and a torn T-shirt, and she nearly mistook him for a homeless man.

  “A few. Mostly, it’s commodities traders and bankers, to be honest. But we did get Emma Stone in here once. She was
really sweet.”

  “Now you’re talking,” Devika said. “I like redheads.”

  “Is that why you keep trying to talk me into dying my hair red?” Kelsey asked.

  “Maybe,” Devika said, and leaned across the space between their chairs for a kiss.

  So they were a couple, too, which made Melody both the Ugly Duckling and the fifth wheel. Fine. Whatever. She was used to it.

  “Stop being so cute.” Lacey stuck out her tongue. “It’s disgusting.”

  “You know, you can be this cute now, too,” Devika pointed out.

  “Hey, you’re right.” Lacey turned her head and kissed Tessa—long and slow, taking her time about it.

  Lacey seemed so deliriously happy, Melody got a little teary thinking about how long it had taken them to get here, to a place where they were able to show affection in public.

  “Okay. That’s enough. Sheesh.” Kelsey scrunched up her nose. “A little decorum if you please, ladies.”

  “We need more drinks.” Lacey waved her empty champagne glass in the air and spun around to catch Terrance’s eye. Her fingernails were freshly manicured and painted a pretty robin’s egg blue. No more biting her nails, apparently.

  “Hell yeah,” Devika said, draining the last of her champagne.

  Kelsey nodded. “Lots more drinks.”

  “Gin and tonics?” Lacey suggested. “I’m ordering us gin and tonics.”

  Terrance came and cleared away the champagne glasses, then left to get them a round of house-made gin and tonics. Melody had no idea how house-made gin and tonics were different from regular gin and tonics. Weren’t all gin and tonics made in-house? That was the point of going to a bar, right—that they made the drinks on the spot?

  “We need to fix Melody up,” Tessa said, gazing at her with pursed lips.

  Melody shook her head, alarmed. “We really don’t.”

  “What’s your type?” Devika asked.

  “Men,” Lacey supplied.

  “Exclusively?” Kelsey asked.

  “Um, yeah, pretty much,” Melody said.

  “Tragic.” Devika made a face.