Loud banging starts to rain on the door of my apartment; it’s just after 2.30am and I’m not sure about answering the door, in reality I don’t want to talk to anyone.
“Dolly, come on honey, I’ve got your purse.” It’s Neely. My first thought is to open the door a bit, say thanks whilst taking the purse and shutting the door again, but I’ll never get away with that. Plan B is to play tired, play up a headache and get it over with.
“Hi, thanks for bringing the purse.” I start leading into my Plan B.
“Oh no, not on your fuckin’ life is that going to work,” she says as she barges past me and comes in. “You must be upset because I know I would be.”
WHAT? There is no way she can know what went down in that office tonight.
“Sorry I bailed, it was a bit of a shock learning that Jonas was managing Purps and our conversation was interrupted by Tits. I wasn’t keen on explaining the supermarket smack down in front of her so I bailed and luckily she kept him occupied so I could make a quick escape. I feel terrible about running out on Tommy but I wasn’t feeling like great company after that.” An explanation with some truth provided but still lots of missing vital information.
“Occupied...That’s one way to put it, he’s gonna be occupied for about the next eighteen years I reckon and what a total schmuck he is, never mind it’s his mess not yours.”
“Neely, I’m not following?”
“Jesus, you don’t know? Letitia’s pregnant. She announced it to the guys on her return from the office as she was taking up her station behind the bar.”
WHAT.THE.FUCK.
This was it.
Devastating.
There was no other way to put words around what I was feeling. How could something so shit be happening? I’m not entirely sure I know how to deal with this, I’m feeling a bit lost and I want to hate him with every fiber of my being but that’s going to take energy that I just don’t have or want to find at this time in the morning.
“Dolly, are you OK? I’m sorry I wouldn’t have joked or told you like that if I thought you knew, I thought that’s what he was telling you in the office. We all did when she came back to the bar and announced it the way she did. It made sense that he wouldn’t want to discuss that in front of Tommy.”
“Neely, I need sleep, thanks for bringing my purse back, can we pick this up tomorrow?”
“Dolls, let me stay with you. I’m around then if you want to talk.” She’s always been able to see through me and my emotions so figuring out I’m struggling with this news is expected.
“Honestly, not necessary, thanks for the offer though. I know where to find you if I change my mind.” I’m trying to be normal in a bid to get this over as quick as possible.
“Hey. Look at me,” she says softly, “I know you’re not OK with this, I know you and I can tell you’re hanging on until I go. You don’t have to do that, let me be here for you,” she whispers getting closer to me.
“Neely, please, right now I’m barely keeping my shit together and I can’t do this tonight.”
“OK then. I’ll come by in the morning, maybe we can do breakfast?”
“OK. Night,” I say and shut the door behind her as she leaves. My new mantra is now ‘Don’t think about it...at all push it to the back of your mind and keep breathing’...in and out, in and out.
I might as well check my phone now because if I don’t I’ll be wondering if he’s tried to call me. He hasn’t and as expected there are a few texts from Neely asking where I was, a couple from Tommy saying he hoped I was OK and he’d be in touch soon and finally one from him. A single word.
Jonas: Sorry.
Sorry.
Fucking sorry.
What kind of shit message is that? What is he actually sorry for?
I can feel myself falling apart again and I head back to my bedroom and repeat the process from a couple of hours ago which is collapse and cry until sleep envelops me.
The next morning I look in the mirror at myself and practice my brave face, my ‘I don’t give a flying fuck face’, but all I see looking back at me are eyes that have lost their sparkle and someone who, no matter how times she says she doesn’t care, really does. I know I’m shutting down, I’m grieving again like I did years ago and I can’t talk to anyone because saying this out loud will just confirm how bereft I really am. One thing is for sure it will kill me to watch them raise a child together, so it seems like my idea to leave and get perspective is a good one. For the first time in my life the comfort of my hometown, my friends and my family can’t provide the security blanket to shield me.
Around 11am, I grab my camera stuff ready to head to Mudjoes, this shoot and the Mayor’s Day Festival are the remaining ones I need to cover to fulfill my commitment to the tourist brochure job. Before I put my phone in my purse I send a few texts to keep people at bay:
Me: Tommy sorry about last night, things got out of hand with Jonas again. See you soon?
Me: Hi Mig, How’s the article coming on? Any news on Art dept. meeting?
The first one I send because I do feel bad about running out and Tommy is still a friend. The last one I send because I desperately need something to look forward to.
At Mudjoes, Jo has got me a pretty table ready for the photos so I unceremoniously dump my gear on the one next to it. Whilst the cafe gets busier and Jo and the girls get in their stride, I take some time to shoot the still life stuff that I thought would be lovely to capture. I take a quick break to have a bit of brunch with Neely and then I get some shots of Jo serving her and other random customers; they’re all very photogenic. So far Neely hasn’t mentioned last night, but she’s not stupid and knows me well, her watchful eyes tell me I’m under surveillance. The only positive thing is that she hasn’t asked me what actually went down in the office; the expectant arrival is proving useful in that respect when I realize my phone is ringing and it jerks me out of my thoughts.
“Hi Mig, how are you?” I say as I answer the phone. “Just give me a second to get somewhere quieter I’m on a shoot.” I wander to Jo who signals it’s OK for me to use the office by the kitchen. “Hi, I’m back, how’s it going?”
“Really well Dolly, the piece is done and I’m ready to select some of your shots. I was wondering if you had time to make a trip to the city for a few days? We could select them together, discuss terms and I’ll set you up a meeting with the Pic Lead to see if there’s some future work for us, or rather you?”
“That sounds great when are you thinking?” I reply.
“Is Monday or Tuesday too short notice for you?”
“No, I think I can work that.”
“Great,” he says. “I’ll email you the details and the names of a couple of decent affordable hotels that are local.”
“Perfect, thanks Mig, see you soon.”
“Looking forward to it Dolly,” he hangs up the phone.
On re-entering the main area of the cafe I realize that leaving to take the phone call means I have missed the grand arrival of Jonas and Tits. He knows I’m around as Neely is here sitting with a load of camera equipment that is clearly not hers. The way his eyes hit me as soon as I get in range make it obvious he was wondering where I was. Neely has a wary look on her face and is about to step into the fire to keep it from raging should it begin to flare out of control. I move forward past them and completely blank them as I do.
“Jonas baby, lets tell Dolly our good news,” she wants me to hear this from him whilst she gets to watch. I don’t think I can stand seeing those words leave his mouth.
“No need Jonas I’ve already heard.” I hope I’ve killed two birds with one stone in that short comment; I’ve let him off the hook but gone nowhere near congratulating the pair of them.
“I think it’s time Dolly and I put our differences aside, after all we’ll almost be family soon and I want any unpleasantness over before the baby arrives.” Christ above, I feel the urge to bitch slap her again!
“Now is not the t
ime for this. Leave it alone Letitia,” he wants this shut down now.
“Peace is important and I don’t need the stress, especially after taking a tumble in the supermarket, that won’t have helped as it is,” the bitch is back to play it seems and it’s probably safer if I don’t answer.
“Sorry we didn’t get the chance to tell you before you ran out of the office last night but I’m sure you’re happy for us, aren’t you Dolly?” She continues to push and it seems my lack of congratulations hasn’t gone unnoticed and she’d like it done now with an audience.
There are so many ways to answer the bitch but I settle for “Over the moon, I couldn’t think of a better person to become a mother.” I know I’m being sarcastic; even I can hear it in my own voice.
“Dalton,” is the warning reply I get from Jonas. In all honesty his attempt to shut me up isn’t helping me deal with this anymore rationally, if anything, he’s pushing me closer to the edge.
“No... Best of luck to both of you, what a great addition to our family of freaks it will be,” I say shoving her fucking fighting words back at her.
“Dalton,” he says sharply and issues me with another warning. I can’t believe he’s trying to shut me up again, he should have walked her away when he had the chance.
“Don’t worry Letitia, between me and the twins I’m sure we’ll able to help teach the baby some family things when he or she grows up, you know how we love a family group game.”
“Jonas, I don’t feel well, can you take me home?” Is that panic I hear in her voice? Clearly I don’t need to get violent, just reference her ugly words in front of her baby’s daddy. She’s obviously not shared it all with Jonas and she doesn’t want it coming out now. She turns and heads to the door and he remains where he is looking at me. I’m not giving him the satisfaction of my attention though.
“OK Jo I’m nearly done, I’m going to check my shots and then get out of your hair, if I need any more I’ll take them when I get back from my trip.” After a few moments longer I hear the door open then close and know he’s left. Neely who has been silent throughout the whole exchange watches me take a deep breath and lean on the edge of the table to steady myself, she then comes to me and asks “You OK?”
“I’m struggling a little but it is what it is and it’s time to move on.”
“I thought you’d already decided that anyway, did something happen to change your mind again?”
“No,” I say too quickly, “I am just firmer in my resolve to see it through,” I reply.
“Dolly it’s OK to feel... well anything, because that would be better than the nothing you’re desperate to feel now. I know I’m right because you won’t look at me and what’s this about a trip?”
“Yeah, I’m going to finalize some work stuff with Mig on that football piece, I’ve also got a meeting set up with the Art Director of the same magazine and then I think I may take some time to clear my head.” I carry on packing up my equipment and giving her quick glances as I deliver this plan.
“Just be careful honey, don’t get yourself mixed up in more emotional drama.” She pauses to see if I will talk, agree or disagree but I give her nothing. So she exhales in a loud frustrated manner and says “OK, I’m heading out, you will call me if you need me, anytime.” Her offer of a shoulder is implied, so I nod and hug her, we sister kiss and then she’s on her way.
She’s right about mixing myself up in more emotional drama and Tommy is a part of that, all this nonsense with Jonas isn’t fair to him. I like him but I don’t want to risk our friendship by pushing something when my head is elsewhere and I’d rather him be my friend and then at least we can carry on our random working arrangement.
Decision made.
It’s time to call it off for a while and there’s no time like the present, so I wander to his cab office as soon as I leave Mudjoes.
“Hey stranger,” he greets me.
“Hardly, it’s been less than a day, anyway I wanted to apologize for ducking out, I didn’t want to involve you in any drama with Letitia, Jonas and myself.”
“That’s OK, I was worried about you and a little disappointed our evening got cut short.” I smile back at him but don’t offer any agreement on his disappointment.
“Tommy...listen,” I start.
“I’m not sure I like the sound of that, I remember how conversations like that end.”
“I’m worried about our friendship and there is a lot of new stuff going on at work at the moment that means I’m a little more pre-occupied than normal. It’s not fair of me to start this if I can’t give it my all in return.”
“Dolly, I’m not going to say I’m not disappointed because I am. How about we cool things for a bit, keep in touch and then see if there is a chance to pick things up and try and get to know each other again?”
“It’s not fair of you to hang around and wait for me to get myself sorted,” I say trying to reason with him.
“Hey look, no life promises, but I’ll see how you’re feeling a few weeks, months and if I’m still in the same place now, there’s no harm in seeing where you’re at. If your outlook becomes clearer before then you can always call me first.” God, he’s a good guy.
“OK Tommy.”
“No problem Dolly,” he says and leans in to give me a kiss on the cheek. I’m upset that I’ve had to do this but it would have been more sad to push something and destroy our existing friendship.
This time I head home and make the epic decision that I am totally going to medicate my achy heart and bad mood with alcohol.
As the day wears on I’ve drunk a few bottles of beer and graduated towards Southern Comfort; I love Southern Comfort. I’m feeling wobbly and although it’s not making me forget everything, it is making me laugh a lot even though I’m on my own and I’m not doing anything remotely funny. I know I heard someone knocking at the door, but I just can’t remember how long ago. When I finally get to the door after a funny game of human house pinball I find Chris there.
“Heeeeey Chris watcha doing here?”
“Just came to see how you are and now I want to know why I haven’t been invited to the party; or anyone else for that matter.”
“I just fancied a little drinkipoos.”
“Christ above, let me guess you’re viewing inches of alcohol the same way you girls measure mens dicks....wrongly?”
“HA, you’re funny, too funny, and always funny, want a drink?”
“No, I’ve got a better idea, come home with me, I’ve got loads of stuff there, including beautiful ranch air, you could bring your camera and take some pictures, we could all see what drunk Dolly sees then.”
“Grrreeatttt idea, love it, lets go!” I immediately march out of my front door and head towards his pick up, but the only problem is I haven’t picked up my purse, my camera or any shoes for that matter. I spin what feels quick and dangerously unsteady to resolve all of this and Chris appears carrying all of these items smiling whilst he locks my door.
“Fab idea, great idea, WONDERFUL idea,” I begin rambling and Chris as always goes with my flow.
“Let’s call my girls and your guys and have a party, although not Jonas, he’s a busy baby daddy and he’ll bring her and the spawn of Satan, well obviously because that spawn is inside her.”
“Yeah maybe Dolls, we’ll see how things look when we get there.”
“I mean, who’d have thought he’d finally settle down with that and I‘m going to see it at family dinners, events, holidays... not me, I didn’t, did you? No not me.” There is no answer from Chris to my rambling rant. “Of all the people, well Barbara and Harrison won’t be pleased because their first grandchild will have horns and a forked tail.” I laugh at my own joke, “A moody broody horned thing with a forked tail.”
The ranch house appears and I spy my shoes in the foot well of the pickup, but putting them on proves challenging and I only manage it when I’ve got my head bent forward and physically resting on the dashboard. Even then it’
s more of a grab effort because focusing is hard. “OK. Let’s go. Party Central,” I shout and hop, which turns into a stumble, which very quickly becomes a fall, out of his truck. It’s high normally, but when you’re drunk it’s like a mountain range and the ground looks ridiculously far away. When I get inside the house I head straight for the drinks cupboard and locate Chris’ Southern Comfort, open it and take a slug straight from the bottle.
“Aaaahh,” I feel relief in the big swig. “OK, Christopher you make the calls and I’ll party plan, right here. Nibbles, music, beer and Dolly mixture cocktails required.”
“Go easy Dolly, I don’t want to be blamed for you when you’re grouchy Dolly tomorrow morning,” he pleads.
“It’s a party!”
“OK, I’ll go and make some calls,” and he disappears out of the kitchen. Spinning around I see the hot tub.
Best idea ever.
I shrug off my clothes and leave my bra and panties on; I’ve obeyed my golden rule of underwear must match, so I’m sporting a cute set in a pale baby blue color made of sheer material. The bra has a fine layer of white lace over the cups and the panties have the same lace detail on the front. I leave my clothes in a pile and head for the hot tub, climbing in with my trusty bottle of S.C.
“Hey,” I shout. “No inviting Jonas, he’s busy checking out the latest alien birthing techniques. Ha, I’m funny.” As if I possess the powers of magic summoning, he magically appears in front of me. “Well shit Chris, I thought we’d said he’d be too busy checking out the gestation period of a being from another planet.” I struggle with the word gestation, but I think he gets the gist that I’m not being complimentary.
Fostering Love (The Soul Sisters Series Book 1) Page 12
