by Rosemary Rey
We’d kiss, ever so often acknowledging our love for each other. I’d hold onto his body with my legs wrapped around his waist and my arms around his torso, never wanting to let him go. Our climax would build simultaneously, each of us arching, grinding, and building the sensual tension which would send us over the edge. Clawing at his body, not wanting our coupling to end, I’d feel the wave of orgasm course through me. My pussy clenched around his shaft, as he pushed deep to the root to feel my fluttering folds. We’d kiss slowly and longingly, bringing ourselves down from the frenzied coupling.
Reliving the beautiful memory of our lovemaking, I realized my hand was in my panties. My fingers wet from my arousal. I didn’t realize I’d made myself come with the memory of us having sex. I grabbed tissues from the nightstand and wiped my hand and wet core. I turned on the TV and hoped I would fall asleep from the lack of stimulating television programming at the ungodly hour. I left the channel on an infomercial for a new cooking tool; it would do the trick to help me fall asleep.
I tossed and turned, but nothing helped. Constructing a mental list of things I needed to do to erase Matt from my life, I decided I was no longer going to stay in Boston. I’d have to connect with all of my contacts, and find a full time job in another major city. All of my possessions could be listed for sale online. The task would be to find a fully furnished efficiency studio apartment in the new city. My family and friends wouldn’t agree with my leaving. They’d think I was running away, and they’d be right; I planned to run away. I couldn’t stay in Boston where there were so many memories of Ben and most importantly, Matt. He’d be everywhere, literally, with all the businesses Pentagon owned. I wouldn’t be able to move on and date other men knowing his presence loomed large in the city. I wouldn’t be able to relax without fear of coming into contact with him or the men of Pentagon. I found myself getting drowsy. I was thankful to drift off to sleep again.
In the morning, I awoke to a knock on the door from Carson. He opened the door before I could respond. “Good Morning, Perlz. It’s 8 a.m. I know you aren’t going into work today, but I have to take off. I have a key for you. You’re welcome to everything here, except the sex toys.” I grimaced then laughed. “Are you okay?” He asked with concern.
“No, Carson. I’m not okay. I’m existing right now. But I made some plans which I’m going to start executing soon.” I whispered, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. “I’ll let you know once I start working on them. I’ll be going home today. If I need to escape, I’ll probably be back. I’ll hold onto the key for the rest of the weekend until the coast is clear, if it’s okay?” He came over to the bedside and planted a kiss on my forehead.
“You’re stronger than before, Perlz. I see a totally different woman since two years ago. You can bounce back from this even better than before. I thought about this last night. There’s a lot of evidence against Matt and Pentagon, but I really don’t think he’s the bad guy. I think he was used too for some reason. I think he did fall in love with you. I’m wary of Eric. I think there’s more to him than meets the eye, and it isn’t good. Before you make any drastic decisions, I’d be careful who you place all your trust in and consider their motives. I love you, Perlz.” He hugged me.
“Carse, get your penis away from my face.” We laughed. It felt good to joke with my best friend. “I love you too. Trust me. I’m going to be okay.”
He exited the apartment, letting the heavy door shut loudly behind him and I could hear the locks turn. I got up and made the bed as best as I could. I cleaned up my dirty tissues and went to the bathroom to clean up, and took a quick shower. Once I was done with my morning routine, I dressed in my clothes from the day before. In my state of mind, I didn’t pack any of my things from Matt’s place. I had so many dresses and undergarments I could’ve used right now. I cursed myself for my lack of forethought. However, nothing that transpired last night was in the forefront. I heeded Carson’s words to assess everything before making a rushed decision. For now, I would go home and get changed. The local library would serve as my base of operations, using the computers to contact my friends and family throughout the U.S. for my job search outside of Boston. I needed to ensure any job I applied for wasn’t a subsidiary of Pentagon.
Once I was ready, I locked Carson’s door and headed downstairs. I walked to the local T and took the train to the edge of Boston and waited for the bus. I kept my apartment despite spending all of my time with Matt. I’d forgotten how long the commute home took. Despite spending three nights a week at my apartment, Matt still drove me home every night, and I realized I’d become a bit spoiled. Thoughts of Matt invaded my mind. When I pushed away the good memories, I found myself near my stop. I had a bit of a walk to my apartment. Even the walk was more than I’d remembered. When I was a couple of yards away from the front door, I pulled out my key. The day was sunny and hot, but all I saw were darkened clouds. Nothing could bring me out of my depression.
When I stepped on the step of the front door, I noticed a flower arrangement. I stooped to see if it were meant for me. My name was on the card, so I picked it up, opened it and read the print, “Let me fix this. Don’t give up on our true love. I love you, Matt.” I took the card, but left the bouquet on the front steps; not wanting them in my home. Someone else could enjoy the bouquet of flowers offered to mend my broken heart. I ripped up the card, crushing the bits in my hand which I would discard in my apartment.
I walked up the steps in a fog and opened my door, taking a deep breath and sighing in relief. I felt secure in my small room. It wasn’t a jail cell as my friends had declared it. This room was my freedom from Ben, and from that moment on, it would be my liberation from Matt. The studio was a reminder of how far I’d come over the span of two years. ‘I will recover from this’, I assured myself. I went to the bathroom and put my clothes in the hamper. My drawer didn’t contain as many clean underwear as before. I made a mental note to buy more until I could summon up the courage to retrieve my things from Matt’s place. I needed to contact Glynnis and request she box up my things and leave them with the concierge. I found a nightgown and slipped it on. I decided to sleep the rest of the day.
I heard a beep on my cell phone indicating battery power was dangerously low. I was happy to have my charger. I plugged in the phone and turned it off. Slipping into my comfortable bed, the sheets were cool despite the summer heat outdoors. I was grateful for central air conditioning vented into the studio, and the room was equipped with a thermometer to control the temperature, which was rare in such a small space. I turned on my right side, hugged a pillow and slept.
When I woke up, it was dark outside. I looked at the alarm clock and saw it was after five in the evening. My stomach grumbled me awake. I still had some pre-made food I’d previously frozen. I walked to the freezer and pulled out a frozen meal. Tossing it into the microwave, I pressed the defrost button before heating. I felt weak, dizzy, and I grasped onto the counter taking deep breaths. The buzzer sounded on the microwave oven, and I punched buttons to heat the food through. I went to sit at the round café table, which served as my dining and office area. I was lost in my thoughts until the buzzer stopped. The smell of food made me hungry, but in turn, I felt nauseas. I took some deep breaths and stood slowly to get my food. It had been over twenty four hours since my last meal at lunch the day before.
I ate my food slowly so I wouldn’t get sick afterwards, feeling full faster than usual. I washed it down with a glass of water. I didn’t feel like cleaning up and I just soaked the container in a few drops of soap. I filled up a water bottle with water for my bedside table. Checking to see if Matt had tried to contact me, I turned on my phone to see if I had any messages. He wasn’t easy to erase from my heart and thoughts.
There were many texts; Carson, Chelz, and several from Matt.
Carson: Hope you’re okay. I’m here if you need me. Let’s go out dancing when you’re ready.
I responded to assure him I was fine.
M
e: I’m fine. Slept all day. Much needed. I’ll be back to normal soon. I have to shake it off. Luv u.
I clicked on Chelsea’s message.
Chelsea: He sent flowers to the gym. I took the card, but donated flowers to front desk. He later came into the gym looking for you. He looked a mess. Good! He asked about you and where you stayed. He kept saying he will fix this. I told him it’s best to leave you alone. Hope he got the message. Are you okay? Text back.
I couldn’t leave her hanging. She gave me some really important information about Matt, and I wanted her to continue supporting me in my decision to move on.
Me: I’m okay. I slept all day. Thanks for support. I got flowers at home. I left them on the steps and just took the card. Please throw away the card. I don’t want to read it. I’m focused on moving on. Not feeling well at all. Thankfully tomorrow is Saturday. Taking off Sunday to recover. Good night, lovey.
I texted Ray and told him I was still under the weather and would take Sunday off. Apologizing profusely for being unable to work, I wrote I’d definitely be at work on Monday, and hoped he understood. I still needed my jobs at Duration until I found another one.
I opened up the most recent of Matt’s texts.
Matt: I don’t know what to write to make this better. I miss you desperately. I couldn’t sleep last night not knowing where you were. Not having you next to me. What can I do to fix this? I’ve always told you you’re mine. I never pretended more than I felt. I did use you for information because of my long term loyalty to Brady, the boys and Pentagon. But I’d never planned to hurt you. I didn’t know how to tell you the truth, but I never planned to walk away from us. I’d thought I could just keep building our love and trust before I’d let you know the truth. I was tormented by the lie, but it was easy to push down the guilt every time I looked at your beautiful face or made love to your perfect body. I love you. I will always love you. Please forgive me and come back to me.
My heart beat erratically and I felt sick to my stomach, wishing I wasn’t so weak as to read it. I should’ve erased the text before opening. I selected the rest of the texts and pressed the delete button. In one fell swoop, I erased all the words I truly wanted to read, but couldn’t allow myself to suffer any more. Opening my account settings, I selected Matt’s number to block.
I retrieved the tablet he gifted me several months ago. I wanted to compose an email to all of my contacts about my job search. I opened up my email and ignored the messages in my inbox. I went straight to compose a message, opened up my contacts list and attached all my friends on the email, excluding Chelsea, Carson and all of my family members. I attached my most recent resume from the online storage drive. I read and reread my message, asking my friends to inform me about a job around any major city and requested my resume be forwarded along to others not on my list. I wasn’t interested in signing on to any of my social media sites. More people could’ve been targeted by sending a status update, but the potential for information to reach my closest loved ones was too great. I needed time to let this decision sink in before I explained myself to everyone.
I felt drowsy again. It was reminiscent of the depression I suffered upon the breakup with Ben. But felt worse because the exhaustion was all consuming, my joints and muscles ached, and my head hurt. There was no energy to do a before bed routine. All I could think of was pulling the covers over my head and sleeping until morning. My brain wouldn’t turn off and my thoughts drifted to me and Matt’s first night together when he bathed me and made love to me. I cried at the thought of him stealing the key to the Inn the night I fell in love with him. It was inconceivable that the passion I received and the deception committed were done by the same person. I felt so desired and consumed, and worst of all, I felt loved. After my discovery, I felt betrayed and shattered.
I cried myself to sleep, but was later awakened by the sound of my phone ringing. I looked at the face of my phone to see it was Chelsea.
“Hey.” I answered groggily.
“Were you sleeping?”
“Yeah, I’ve been sleeping all day. And now I’m going for round two. What’s up?”
“I just wanted to make sure you’re still okay. Do you need anything?”
“No. I’m exhausted and I’m trying to work through this.”
“He called me again.” She said meekly.
“I’m sorry Chelz. I wish he wouldn’t involve you in our issues. Ignore him. I’ve blocked him on my phone. I suggest you do the same.”
“Perla, I just don’t know if you should run away without trying to figure out this whole thing.”
“What the hell are you talking about? I figured out what he did to me. He didn’t deny it. He may not have known every detail, but he was involved and I can’t be with a man who deceived me. I can’t trust anything was real.” I said evenly, but with a hint of agitation.
“I feel it’s real. Ben never once called me to check on you, and we grew up together. I just feel this is different.” Chelsea revealed.
“Are you taking his side? Do you not recognize how I’ve been mistreated? I was used and my dear friend was hurt. And I can’t fix it with her because she shouldn’t worry about this while she’s dying. She’ll die not knowing she lost her Inn because I opened my legs to a very deceitful, albeit gorgeous, doctor. She had no children. She had her husband, and to a very small degree, she had me—and I turned against her. I had no choice. And the fucked up thing, I handed over every bit of ammunition he needed to get the building. It all came down to the money. It came down to him and his friends tramping over people’s feelings and needs to get a ‘pay off’. I’m lying down on my bed one hundred thousand dollars poorer, while he is over a billion dollars richer. He and his friends are billionaires. He doesn’t have to worry about paying rent and eating. I live in a studio apartment I can barely walk in without stubbing a body part. He lives in a million dollar high rise apartment and owns three more places and luxury cars. And he used me to get more? It doesn’t make sense. I’m hurt. No, I’m destroyed. I thought a man really wanted me for me, desired me for me, and I felt I finally had a potential life partner. It was all a fucking lie.” I sobbed.
“Sweetie, I’m so sorry. I don’t want to argue with you. You come first. I just want you to know I’m so sad for both of you. Do you want to come over this weekend? I’ll take care of you.”
“I don’t know if I’m up to company, but I’ll let you know. It’s harder this time. Last night, I thought I was stronger, but just before you called, I was on the verge of passing out. I think it was a panic attack. It used to happen when my mom was sick and I felt overwhelmed. Remember?” I reminded her.
“I think you should go to the doctor. Doesn’t sound so good.”
“Yeah, right. Me go to a doctor. With my luck, I’ll meet another hot doctor and he’ll use me for a free gym membership. Chelz, I need sleep. I’m gonna go to bed. Please ignore his calls and texts. Be on my side, please.”
“I’m always on your side. Good night, sweetie.”
“Night, lovey.” I hung up.
I hung up the cell and tossed it back on the night stand. Because of my penchant for romance books, I had nothing to read which would help me keep my mind off of Matt. It would’ve been a better idea to stay with Carson. We could’ve watched a movie. He would’ve fed me. I could’ve taken a bath in his luxurious tub instead of the quick shower I have to take in my hovel.
The phone rang, which startled me out of my sad thoughts, I grabbed the phone and realized I didn’t recognize the number. I let it go to voicemail and then listened to the message. It was Eric. ‘How did he get my number?’ I wondered. He was the second to last person I wanted to talk to. I didn’t want to shoot the messenger, but in my present state, what I didn’t know didn’t hurt me. He ruined my delusion of being in a happy, loving relationship.
Carson posed very good questions about Eric’s payoff for telling me about Pentagon. Eric did come onto me pretty heavily in the beginning. There were a co
uple of uncomfortable moments when he’d approach me and get in my physical space. Dashing saw it once and we’d had a pretty spirited discussion about it. I was thrown by the way Matt took me in an act of jealousy because I’d never been aggressively pursued before.
The fates were against me, sending me two handsome men with strong interests in having a relationship with me. With the truth revealed, Matt didn’t pursue me for a relationship. I was used for financial gain. And logically speaking it meant Eric wanted to use me too, but for what? He was very flirtatious and created any opportunity to get physically close. I was flattered. Honestly, I was intrigued, and under other circumstances, I would’ve been more receptive. Who wouldn’t want a young, gorgeous man to pursue them? My faithful nature would never allow another man to disrupt the relationship I was in, even if the relationship wasn’t defined.
Matt and I only had a sexual relationship. It was monogamous, but we’d never sat down and said we were exclusive partners. I assumed actions spoke louder than words: we spent every single free time together; I spent nights at his apartment; I kept clothes and toiletries over at his place; We held each other out as boyfriend and girlfriend; and we said “I love you” to each other. I was honest with Eric, but he didn’t seem deterred. Carson made me aware something was off with Eric’s disclosure. Analyzing more about the situation, wouldn’t Eric have to keep all the contents of Pentagon’s digital or electronic information confidential? Why breach it to tell me?
Deciding to keep Eric at a skyscraper’s length distance, I needed to sort out my feelings. I didn’t want a charming, handsome man to confuse me and use me when I was at my most vulnerable. I heard a beep for a text. I inhaled and pressed to retrieve the message.
