My arraignment for the FCC violations is next week. My lawyers are telling me to plead guilty. It will be the quickest, least expensive way. I will get some fines and maybe a little slammer time. They say it won’t hurt my career. Hey, who knows? Didn’t that dude in Birmingham go to jail for a while? He did okay after that, I think.
Maybe I’ll do the Grand Return…after a leave of absence. Anyway, Meridee, you have been my lifeline. Hell, I’m not even drinking anymore. You tend to bring out the best in people just by believing the best is there in them, even when we can’t see it ourselves. Harry could benefit from having that kind of attitude. He is just the opposite, especially when it comes to me. You make me believe I’m not all that bad.
I have transferred some of the money to Mother. Now she’s getting what she needs and I have repaid the money I lost of hers and paid the lawyers. If I have to go to jail, I will. I’ll come out ready to make it all right.
Meridee, I never told anybody else, but you know I’ve been seeing Vivi on and off for years. I think…I think I love her. This is a strange feeling for me, but in case anything happens, just let her know for me, okay?
I’ll keep you posted.
Love,
Lewis
I felt breathless. Like the feeling you get at a white-knuckle, edge-of-your-seat movie or on a massive roller-coaster ride at an amusement park. I felt sad and full of love and filled with so much guilt for both Meridee and Lewis. I felt guilty for the ways I had thought about Lewis. I had taken Harry’s view of him as my own, always ready to shake my head in disappointment or disgust when anyone mentioned his name. When I’d heard about him and Vivi getting involved, I’d been full of snobbery and disapproval and always thought Vivi could do better. Truth was, I’d never developed my own opinions—I just followed in Harry’s footsteps.
I was ashamed. I spent my days clicking my Jimmy Choos as if I was all that, but I hadn’t even bothered to think for myself. How could I be a successful attorney, I wondered now, if I let Harry do all my thinking?
I stopped reading and sat still, wondering what in the world I had become. I don’t think I was ever more ashamed of myself as I was in that moment sitting there in the dark, damp hallway of Meridee’s house. How long had it been, I wondered, since I had thought for myself? Since I had made my own decisions? I had spent the past ten years trying to become what Harry needed. What Harry wanted me to be. I wasn’t myself anymore.
I felt awful for poor Lewis. He’d never had a chance with me because Harry had decided he was unredeemable. And, worst of all, what kind of friend had I been to Vivi, loathing and detesting the man she loved without ever looking at him through her eyes? But she’d never ever said anything to me, even knowing I had behaved like a royal jerk. A pompous ass, as full of myself as Dallas has accused me of being for so many years.
I started to cry in the silence of the hall. I knew I could be better. I was sad for what I did to Lewis all those years ago. Not speaking to him and not giving him a chance, while there was Meridee, my own dear grandmother, helping him and believing in him. He was asking, nearly begging for her to get through to me. He’d lost his family and had been trying to prove himself to everyone, but no one gave him even the benefit of the doubt.
I was not only sad for Lewis, I was sad that I had blocked myself from myself, from my own thoughts and feelings and decisions. I had let my soul go on autopilot and had become lazy. The Crimson Tide wasn’t the only thing that had lost its voice lately. It seemed I had voluntarily lost my own voice over the years. No wonder everyone came to Meridee in a crisis. She was the one who was all that. She never seemed to judge anyone, and it wasn’t because she was a softie, it was because she was Hercules in an apron.
I pulled myself together. Sitting there in my sweats in Meridee’s hallway, I vowed to never let anyone do my thinking again. I would never be afraid to go against anyone if I felt my judgment was right. I stopped crying and knew I had to be stronger. Be better. For Lewis and for Vivi. And for myself.
I was totally confused. A traffic jam of emotions swirled inside me, and I still had a lot of questions. At the top of the list was whether any of the information I’d learned from Lewis’s letters to Meridee had anything to do with his disappearance. Those letters about the money were from so long ago that I wasn’t sure how they could connect to what was happening now. I checked my watch. 8:50 p.m. I had to finish the letters before ten. Harry would be calling.
* * *
February 12, 2009
Hey Meridee,
I’m sure you’ve seen the papers. I’ve enclosed the one I have with the headline, “The Voice of the Tide goes to Jail.” The news is everywhere.
Six months in the slammer and pretty much what was left of the “gifts” from you are all gone. But after the last few years with all the depositions and crap, this time away might seem like a vacation! It has taken my lawyers the past three years to catch a break, but I’ll only be in six months, which is a big improvement. I think I can make it—I owe that much at least.
I am glad we are able to stay in touch by phone for a while. It’s always good to hear you. For now, we will have to go back to the letters. I’m sure Blake and Harry know I’m in jail, but I never hear from them. I guess we’ve done all we can do on that front.
The project we spoke of should be in the works now. Nothing like being down and at rock bottom to fire you up to say, Never again! I will make you proud of me, Meridee! Do not worry. I will be fine. Out by the end of summer, just in time for kickoff.
Love,
Lewis
April 10, 2009
Hi Meridee,
Thanks for all the kind words and prayers. If only Granddad or Dad was alive today, I know they wouldn’t be surprised by your generosity. You are helping me help Mother. They all still don’t know where I got the money to help pay for her care, but at least the work goes on at Belle Garden to accommodate her. She’s in a wheelchair now, I hear.
Harry still hasn’t spoken to me. Can you believe that? Not even a “Go to hell” since that Thanksgiving! What a guy! He always looked down on me. I’m not a lawyer, but it was never in me. Seemed the Hearts had that one covered. Maybe you get me ’cause Frank was a play-by-play announcer for the Tide, too. I know it was only part-time for him, but I have a feeling it might have been his passion. Anyway, he was a special guy. Thanks for telling me about the details of Granddad helping him years ago. I never knew, but now I understand. Granddad saved Frank’s reputation as well as their practice. But you sure don’t owe me for that. You do not need to go to any more stocks. You have been my angel. Three more months to go. Thanks for believing in this with me. It will all come back to you. Promise.
Yours,
Lewis
What the hell? It seemed that not only did she bail him out but she also invested in something else with him. What had Meridee done with our family fortune? I knew that all the answers might not be here in these letters, but I would have to look into this. I would have to tell Meridee that I read these letters and hopefully she would fill in the blanks for me. I knew she could refuse to divulge the secrets she held for Lewis. She would also know that I’d broken into her private things. But it was too late now to have regrets about reading those letters. I couldn’t stop thinking about what I had just learned. With that, I opened the last letter in the stack.
September 28, 2009
Cartagena, South America
Meridee!
; I am a free man! I know you heard. It’s all over the media. I did my big comeback interview on the steps of Denny Chimes. All the publicity has been great for the radio station. “He’s back!” the papers have been shouting. All the media has been so positive for me. Did you pull something with your friends at the papers? What a turnaround. I am motivated beyond my own craziness.
Now I’m taking a little trip out of the country to lay the foundation on that deal we talked about. It’s a sure thing. The money is coming from down here. These investors are great just like you said. These people are in it for us and I am so glad they share our vision! I know you believe in it, too. I’ll tell you all about it when I see you. I will be able to pay back everything soon. I am doing everything right this time.
I’ll see you next week after my trip.
Lewis
P.S.
If you see my wild little redhead, tell her I miss her, okay?
The back door slammed. I checked my watch. 9:45 p.m. I wondered if Harry had gotten the DNA results and had decided to come tell me in person.
“Blake!”
That was Sonny’s voice. But he was supposed to be with Harry. I quickly gathered all the letters and shoved them into the pile of towels. I wiped my face with the soft sleeves of my sweatshirt, pushed my bangs from my forehead and stood up. My damn foot was asleep from sitting on the floor for so long. I shook and shook it but the pins and needles would not stop. I limped up the hall to the back door.
“Sonny?” I entered the dimly lit kitchen.
“Hey,” Sonny said. “I thought I’d find you here.” With the emotional roller coaster I had been on all night, the sight of him was like a deep breath, freshly exhaled.
“Are you looking for me?” I asked, rather puzzled and still shaking my foot. “Where’s Harry?”
“Well, the results are a little delayed. Harry called to say he’d got caught up in a meeting with Dan. He’ll be heading over to the station in a while. I wanted to stop by and check on how you were doing since I had time to kill. I drove by your house, but when I saw your car wasn’t there, I knew you’d be here.” The tingling in my foot was finally stopping, but I began to tingle elsewhere. Sonny was big. Overpowering. But there was something boyish about him, too—a twinkle in his dark brown eyes that always made me feel good, even after I married Harry. His size alone made me feel protected from the heavy world I sometimes created. Okay, I can be a drama queen, it has been said.
I knew I couldn’t tell him about the letters I had just read. They were too serious to share before I knew what they really meant, so I needed to talk to Meridee first.
“Well, you were right. I’ve been here for a couple of hours.” My intense reaction to him was unsettling, and I kept telling myself it was the damp evening causing it, but I knew it wasn’t.
“We know that the results should be in before midnight. We’ve ordered a late dinner. Some Chinese food, it should be there in about half an hour. Whataya say? Hungry?”
Ten years, I reminded myself as my mind started planning all the ways I could keep Sonny here alone with me instead of returning to meet Harry at the station. I twirled my wedding ring round and round. Hungry, I thought. That doesn’t begin to describe how I’m feeling. Maybe that’s why I wanted him—I just needed strong arms to hold me. He was safe. Maybe it wasn’t about sex, but a place to hide out from this crazy situation and the stress and confusion that came with it.
I put one arm around his back in a halfhearted hug and said, “Yeah, I’m a little hungry. I’ve just been sitting here kinda thinking and listening to the rain, readin’ old love letters.”
“Oh, yeah? From who?” Sonny stepped closer and put his arm around my back, my hip now pressed up against his toned thigh.
“Not from you,” I said, glancing up at him only for a second.
“Who, then?” he playfully retorted. “Harry?”
“No, not even Harry,” I said. “They’re private.” And I let that dangle in the air for a minute.
And then, unexpectedly, Sonny turned to me and, with a hand on each shoulder, leaned down and kissed my forehead. Oh, dear God, his lips were so warm and soft. I felt my other arm slip around him and I looked up at him like a lost girl. That’s truly what I felt like at that moment. We were standing in the darkness of someone else’s kitchen, with only the lamp of the distant hall table light to provide any illumination. Our closeness was so powerful, so intense, but also so wrong—which only made it all the more tempting.
Why am I doing this? But that was only a fleeting thought, cut off as suddenly as it appeared when he kissed me again, but this time not on my forehead. His lips on mine were so tender, but he pulled away quickly, astonished at himself. But I moved into him, telling him it was okay. More than okay. He began to speak. I knew he wanted to apologize, but I put my finger to his lips. My eyes let him know it was all right. He leaned toward me again and I met him halfway. He kissed me like he meant it this time. And so did I. It was long and tender, damp and warm, and I tingled all over from my lips to my thighs. A shudder pulsed through me with each tilt of his head. Before I was ready, he pulled away, my head still hanging sideways, my mouth still open and hungry.
“I’m so sorry, Blake,” he said, speaking quick and breathless and shaking his head. “I don’t even know what I was thinking,” he mumbled under his broken breath.
“It’s okay.” I held his hand and spoke with tears stuck in my throat. “Sonny, we’re both exhausted. It’s okay. We haven’t slept in days.” He held me against him. This is what I loved and wanted. To be held by him. Sonny could make the world go away with his big ol’ hugs. He always could. From my memories of us back in the high school halls, his hands around mine, his arms around the small of my back pressing me against him—it felt just the same now. The same, and also completely different from being close to Harry. Especially the Harry of the past few years. I never felt that sense of safety with Harry. Harry’s emotions were buried deep. To be honest, I wasn’t so sure he had any feelings about me anymore. Sonny’s emotions were close to the surface. At least when it came to me. That was obvious that night.
I began to sob. Time seemed to have crawled by from Lewis vanishing, to Vivi’s pregnancy, to Harry’s relationship with Lewis, to Meridee and all of those letters—and all along, my feelings for Sonny were simmering just under the surface. The release valve had been tapped with one kiss, and I was flooded with emotion. It was an overload.
Sonny pulled me closer. Now aside from all of the other concerns, there was this added complication. This kissing and feeling and him. Sonny caressed my hair, still in a ponytail. I felt him loosen the band and slide it off my hair. My long waves fell loosely down my back and around my face. He rubbed his hand down my hair and held it in his grasp. I looked up at him and he kissed my tear-covered cheek, then wiped my wet face with his fingertips. Too soft for a cop, I thought. His fingers felt sweet to my skin and even sweeter to my soul. Sonny gazed down at me and smiled slightly. He slipped one side of my hair behind my ear.
“You’ll always be part of me,” he said.
“It’s been a long day. I’m—”
He stopped me. “No regrets, remember?”
It was our high school motto. We were on-again, off-again so much during that time that we began saying “No regrets” when we were off again.
“Right. Never.”
Sonny backed away. “Chinese, thirty minutes?”
“I’ll get Vivi and be ri
ght behind you. Just let me lock up.”
“You okay?” he asked.
“I grew up here, remember? I’m home.”
Once Sonny had left, I went back to the closet to put the letters away properly. I needed answers, but did not know how to get them without hurting Meridee. Questions swirled around in my mind: Did Lewis ever pay her back? Did the “project” ever fly? What did any of that have to do with Lewis’s disappearance? I just couldn’t make the information click.
And it was no wonder—since I could barely even walk straight after that kiss with Sonny. Reading the letters had only made me want Sonny more. They had reminded me of how much Harry had changed me, how much of myself I had lost. And Sonny was a living, breathing reminder of all the parts of me I had forgotten.
I didn’t want Chinese food anymore, and I definitely didn’t want to see Harry. I was so angry at him for being such a bastard to Lewis all his life and for dragging me into it. I could see Harry now as clearly as I could see myself. And I knew I certainly couldn’t lay eyes on Sonny after tonight. I was mad at myself for my weakness with him.
The women in my family were a lot of things, but weak was not one of them. So, as I began to close up the house, I decided I was not acting weak with Sonny. I wanted to kiss him. I was mad at Harry and I wanted a kiss and I wasn’t going to Harry for it! So I took it from Sonny. I was mad at Harry for not being altogether fair to Lewis and for being a bit of a control freak with me. So I rationalized that all of this was Harry’s fault. It was good to get that all settled.
All of this insanity made me think of Kitty. She always said, “Never explain anything. Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it!” She got away with quite a bit of bad behavior using that line. But people came to expect it from her. They’d shake their heads and say, “Oh, that’s just Kitty.”
The Sassy Belles Page 16
