"Bye, Ivy," he said softly.
"Bye," I said.
I wanted so badly to look at him, but my eyes were glued shut. I heard him take a breath, and then I felt him stand up. He walked around my bed and then out of my room.
I cried.
I was so mad at myself for being incapable of seeing Luke and his family off. I really did have a lot of fun getting to know them, and it only added to my shame that I was physically unable to get out of my bed and give them a proper sendoff.
***
Two days passed.
I didn't come out of my bedroom for two whole days.
I hadn't told my family what happened.
I wasn't going to be friends with Britney anymore, but I hadn't yet decided what I would do about Derek, so I refrained from telling them any of the details. If I told them what happened, they would not approve of me staying with Derek, so I decided to wait until I was certain. I didn't want the added pressure. I wanted to make the decision on my own.
I didn't talk to anyone during those days, not Derek, or Kade, or any of my other friends. I sent Derek a text to let him know my family didn't know anything because I didn't want him to call or come by. I told him I'd be in touch after I took a couple of days to cool down, and he messaged me back saying he loved me and that I could take all the time I needed. He said he would be waiting for me.
I stayed in my room and did some much-needed book binging and soul searching. I didn't even go to school. My parents thought I had a stomach bug, which was sort of the truth since I wasn't eating and my digestive system was a complete mess.
Finally, after two days, I took a shower, got dressed, and decided to face the light of day.
My eyes and cheeks were still sore and tight from crying. I felt a bit like a vampire or someone who was allergic to the sun, but I had to put one foot in front of the other and step out of my room, otherwise I might just stay in there for the rest of my life.
It was Friday, and I only had one class, so I decided to go to it. I thought I might go to Derek's that night and talk to him for a while. I wanted to be with him, but I didn't know if I could. I honestly didn't know if I could get over what he had done.
It was such a sad situation for me. I had wanted him for so long, considered him the man of my dreams. And then, when I finally got him, this happened. I felt like our relationship had been tainted, and by my best friend, of all people.
I had no idea what I was going to do.
I thought maybe seeing Derek and talking to him in person would help me decide. My mom had come into my room earlier that morning before she and Dad went to the shop. She was happy to hear that I was feeling up to going to school and said she was relieved that neither she nor Dad had 'caught the bug'.
They were both gone by the time I left for class.
It was a chilly morning. I had been so numb and out-of-it for the last few days that the sudden change in temperature was a welcome shock to my system.
My car was parked in the garage, but my mom (as she often did) left the big door open. Our garage was facing the back of the property, and both of my parents had a habit of not closing the doors. That meant it was now freezing in there.
I planned on starting my car and going back into the house while I gave it a few minutes to warm up, but I got sidetracked. There was a folded piece of paper in the driver's seat. I reached out to move it before I sat down and started the car. I was cold, but I was too curious not to open it right then. I made sure the door was closed tightly and turned on my heater before carefully unfolding the piece of notebook paper.
I don't know what I expected.
I think I expected it to be a note from Derek or from Britney.
It was indeed a note, but I instantly scanned to the bottom of the page, only to find that there was no signature. I had no idea who had written it. I didn't recognize the hand writing, either. It was almost as if the person who wrote it had taken care for me not to be able to recognize it. It was written in perfect block print—all caps—the neatest, straightest handwriting I had ever seen.
Feeling a little confused and a lot curious, I started at the beginning and began to read.
Sweet Ivy,
I'm sorry you're hurting. I wish there was something I could do to reverse your situation, or at least take away your pain. While it might not be any of my business, I couldn’t resist offering my thoughts about what happened with Derek and Britney. Ultimately, it's your choice if you want to forgive him. I am a believer in forgiveness and restoration. I am not perfect, and God knows, I need forgiveness and mercy on a continual basis.
That being said, you were not wrong for making him wait. On the contrary, he was wrong for telling you that his disloyalty had anything to do with you. It had nothing to do with you. Please do not blame yourself for his weakness. You deserve better. When you're in a committed relationship, you deserve to know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that there would never ever be a betrayal like the one you've just had to deal with. I'm not saying Derek can't become a man who is worthy of your trust. Maybe this will be the wakeup call he needed. Perhaps forgiveness is the route to take. That's between you, Derek, and God.
But please know that there are men in the world who are loyal and trustworthy. There are men who would love you the way you deserve to be loved. There are men who would never, ever be unfaithful to you.
You, Ivy, are a prize, a treasure, a precious jewel. You truly deserve unwavering loyalty, commitment, and love. Please don't settle for anything less than that.
Instead of a signature, there was a reference to scripture at the bottom of the page.
Philippians 4:8
My heart was racing as I scanned the letter, marveling at the words and the penmanship.
It obviously wasn't Derek or Britney who had written it. The only person it could be was Kade. It was a little too articulate and confident for Kade, but he was the only one who could have written it.
I read it again slowly before searching the Bible verse. It was a list of things we should think of. It said we should think of things that are noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy.
I smiled as I read the list, thinking they were pretty much the opposite of the things I'd been dwelling on for the last few days.
I drove to class.
I parked, walked across campus, and went through all the motions of going to school. I had talked myself into believing this was my fault—that it wouldn't have ever happened if I had made sure Derek's needs were met.
But this letter changed everything for me.
Not only did it give me confidence to know that I was worthy of loyalty, but it also literally gave me a list of things to think about. Anytime my mind started to wander back to my pain and drama, I thought of that list.
Noble. I thought of things like royalty. Kings and queens, and knights in shining armor.
Right. As a math girl, I thought of right angles—a perfect ninety degrees.
Pure. Snow, twenty-four carat gold, water, the ocean. My mind went to the ocean for some reason when I thought of the word pure.
Lovely. There was one I really liked. The word lovely just resonated with me. I loved to imagine lovely things. I thought of things like rope swings and motorcycle rides on long, windy roads. I thought of spring days and fresh flowers, and blueberry pancakes with butter and syrup. I thought of giving dogs belly rubs and drinking a tall glass of water when you're really thirsty.
Admirable. I knew if something was admire-able, that meant it was worthy of being admired. That was a great word in itself, and I would probably think on it at a later time, but for now, it made me think of admiral. This was a completely different word, but I still liked it. It brought to mind an orange and black butterfly. I figured that was just as pleasant as admirable, so I went with it.
Excellent. There was another word I really liked—excellent. I just liked the way it sounded and the way it looked when it was written. It also brought specific
things to mind, like A's on tests and gold medals.
And lastly, there was praiseworthy—things that were worthy of praise. This obviously brought God to mind. And who wouldn't be comforted by that?
I thought of that letter and its contents all during class. It was exactly what I needed, and my heart swelled with thankfulness toward Kade for taking the time to write it for me and leave it in my car.
Honestly, it kind of made me feel differently about him—like something existed in his personality that I didn't know was there before. It wasn't like I went from having no feelings toward him to being in love with him, but the letter definitely changed how I saw him. It made me view him as more of a man than I thought he was before.
Chapter 10
Over a year later.
Fourteen months, to be exact.
A lot had happened in my life since I had broken up with Derek.
I still managed to graduate that May despite the fact that my spring semester got off to a rocky start.
Derek begged me to stay with him—said it was a one-time mistake and that it would never, ever happen again.
Part of me wanted to believe him, but there was something deep inside me that knew he wasn't a hundred percent trustworthy. The funny thing was that I kind of knew it before the thing with Britney ever happened. It was a truth I hated to come to terms with because it was fun to date a famous baseball player. But I just knew in my heart that being with him was a gamble.
I was too good for gambles.
The letter Kade wrote told me that, and it was something that sank into my heart like a seed sinks into soil. Something beautiful sprouted out of that seed, something beyond words. If I had to try to put a label on it, I would call it patience and self-worth, but it was so much more than that.
I knew God would bring along someone I could fully trust. I thought, at first, that maybe Kade's letter was a sign that he was the one. It moved me so deeply that I thought for sure I was meant to develop feelings for him. I prayed for that to happen. I prayed that I would feel attraction toward him, but I just never did.
Finally, after weeks of wishing I could fall in love with Kade, I decided that some things were not to be forced. Sure, he had done something wonderful that helped pull me out of a potentially hazardous situation, but that didn't mean that we needed to fall in love. He was a good friend to me, and his letter helped me more than I could ever say, but I just never felt chemistry with him. I felt more chemistry with his letter than I did with the actual person, which was odd but true. So, Kade and I were still friends, and would always remain that way.
Britney and I weren't friends anymore, but we weren't enemies, either. After much soul searching and council from my family, I decided to forgive her. Yes, I ended up telling my family what happened. Britney had been such a fixture in our house for so many years that I knew I couldn't get away with simply saying that 'we stopped hanging out' or some other half-hearted excuse like that.
We met at a coffee shop a few months after it happened and had a long conversation. I was honest with her. I told her things had changed in our relationship—that we could no longer be the kind of friends we were before it happened. We couldn't move forward and pretend it never took place, because it did. Things were different between us because of it. I did, however, forgive her. I truly forgave her, not just to her face at the coffee shop, but in my heart.
I didn't tell her that Derek told me the things she said about having to watch me get everything all those years. But that was in the back of my mind, and oddly enough, it made me feel bad for her, which made forgiving her easier.
The drama with Derek and Britney only took up a small piece of my life—like a glitch or hiccup. I could have let it consume me, but I chose to forgive them, put the whole thing out of my mind, and move on. Kade's letter certainly helped.
I went on to bigger and better things. I graduated, got a job, and broke ground on my new house. I had also done a little traveling.
A few of months ago, Wes went on tour to promote his new album. He started with a trip to the West Coast—Seattle, Portland, San Francisco, Los Angeles, San Diego. I was extremely busy with work, but I took a few days off and went to join him in Portland and San Francisco, which was a lot of fun.
Jolene had planned on going with him, but she wasn't feeling up to it. She thought she had mono because she kept feeling lousy, but then she found out that she was pregnant. They hadn't been trying to have a baby, so it didn't even cross her mind to check for that. She was now four months along and feeling good enough to join him on the road. They were currently in Chicago.
My job and house were things I hadn't expected, but I honestly couldn’t be happier with both of them. I initially thought I might go on to graduate school and get a job teaching college, but something else came across my path—something I had never considered.
Daniel and Courtney owned an art center downtown. They provided low-cost art classes and lessons for Memphis's youth. They strictly dealt with the arts—music, dance, theatre, fashion, etc. However, Courtney saw an undeniable need for academic tutoring and mentorship. She approached me about it, and long story short, I have found my calling.
I rented a house that was located in the business district not far from Courtney's art center. With the help of my family, I opened a nonprofit called Memphis Learning Center in that location. I had no idea there was such a need for this type of service. We had only been open for six months, and we were already assisting sixty-five kids in after-school programs. I had three other teachers helping me, and I'd soon need a fourth. Kade volunteered two days a week, but we really needed someone more full-time as a science instructor.
It wasn't just academic tutoring, either. It turned out to be so much more than that. We had just poured concrete for a small basketball court behind the tutoring facility. These kids truly needed role-models, people who cared, and it was an honor to think that we could somehow be a positive influence in their lives. I was still in the beginning stages of this adventure, but I could already tell I would find fulfillment through it, and for that, I was truly thankful.
So, yes, it had been an eventful year—one full of emotion, taking chances, and new beginnings. I was tired at the end of every week, but it was the good type of tired, not the kind you get from drudgery.
I was currently at the end of one of those long weeks. My neck and back were aching, and I was thankful that there would be a hot meal waiting for me at Shug and Doozy's house when I got there.
"Wuzzzup, pee-po?" I yelled, opening the door. I heard ruckus going on in the house before I could even see anyone. The kids had heard me come in, and they all ran to the door like a stampede, tackling me. Kip was three, Cora was two, and the twins would be two in a few months. They all yelled and piled on top me right there in the entryway, and I growled and tried to tickle them all at the same time.
Liam and Taylor's baby, Mack, was eleven months old and just learning to walk. He toddled behind the others, looking hilariously off-balance. Taylor followed him just to make sure he reached his destination, and Courtney came with her, carrying their newest addition on her hip, a nine-month-old princess named Eden.
"She almost jumped off of my hip trying to get over here and see what her cousins were doing," Courtney said, shaking her head.
I gave out kisses and nuggies to all of the ones standing around me before standing and clapping my hands to let Eden know I wanted to hold her. She leaned toward me, and Courtney and I made the exchange. Cora and the boys ran back in to the living room, and we followed them.
"Hey Ivy!" Shug called.
Everyone else yelled as well, and I said, "Hey!" to all of them at once.
"Your mom took me by your house today," Aunt Jane said, reaching out for a hug when I came near to her. "They've gotten a lot done since the last time I saw it."
I nodded, hugging three others that were in my vicinity at the edge of the kitchen. One of them was my mother, and when I hugged her, Eden leaned in
like she wanted to stay with her. I kissed her cheek as I passed her to my mom.
"The contractor said it would just be a couple more months," I said, responding to Aunt Jane.
"You can almost count on doubling that," Daniel said.
I squinted at him, and he smiled and lifted his hands in surrender. "I'm just being realistic," he said. "I went over there a couple of days ago. They're staying busy, but you've still got electrical, and trim, and floors. You don't want them to rush, anyway. It's a good thing they're taking their time."
"I know," I said. "I'm not in a hurry. I've gotten used to eating Mom's cooking."
"You can still come eat once you move in," Mom said, feeding Eden a tiny bite of bread with her fingers.
I walked toward the stove to see what Shug was cooking. "Smells good," I said.
"Just some pork roast and potatoes," she said.
I leaned in behind her, staring into the pot and taking a big whiff. "I can't wait. I'm starving." I started to walk off, but she stretched out to kiss me, and I offered her my cheek. "Thanks for cooking," I said.
"My pleasure, baby girl. How was your week?"
"Busy. Good, but busy. "We got the cement poured for the basketball court two days ago."
"That's exciting," Shug said.
I nodded. "Some kids came and put their handprints in it."
"Oh, no, what'd you do?" Shug asked.
"I'm leaving it," I said. "The guys said they could fill it in, but it's on the edge and it's not bothering anything, so I decided leave it." I shrugged. "It's something I would have done if I saw some wet cement."
"You did do it," Mom said. "You put your hands and your feet in the slab we poured for the shed."
I laughed as I remembered doing that.
"Ivy was all about vandalism," Owen said. "She wrote her name in bubble letters under my desk and under a shelf in my closet."
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