He looked at her and laughed lightly. At least she had a sense of humor about her life. She reached out and wiped away the tear with her fingers, then pulled on his hair. “It’s getting much longer. By the time you’re walking again this hair will be right back where it was, long and beautiful. You’ll be the old Caleb Sax again—or should I say Blue Hawk?”
He shook his head, grinning his handsome grin. “I do not know myself. I guess in some ways I have never decided.”
She held another spoon of soup to his lips and he took it. She was right. He had to keep up his strength. Why hadn’t he thought of the river before? He began to think of recovering with the same determination he had taken his vengeance against the Crow. This life would not beat him. He would beat it, and he would go and get his son. Perhaps when he held his little boy in his arms again he would finally begin to truly heal. His physical wounds were nothing compared to losing Sarah. Never would he find anything that precious again. Never would he love that way again. But maybe Tom would help ease the pain.
Sarah sat on the loveseat, looking at her hands in her lap. She was still much too thin after her illness; the horror of learning Caleb was dead had not helped the healing process, nor had the realization that she was pregnant.
In one respect the pregnancy was beautiful, wonderful. It was Caleb’s child, and the only thing she had that made her want to live again. The life that was beginning to make faint stirrings in her belly was the precious product of the love she had shared with Caleb Sax. Every time she felt the faint flutterings she thanked God for being given Caleb’s seed, a part of his wild and free spirit that she could keep forever.
She would have this baby no matter what it took, no matter how much shame it brought her family. It was hers and Caleb’s, and it was nothing short of a miracle that she had clung to the tiny bit of life through her terrible illness. The doctor could not imagine how she had lived at all, yet to Sarah that was even more reason to believe that God meant for her to have Caleb’s baby.
But now came the confrontation. It had not been so difficult to tell her aunt, who had been sympathetic about her running off with Caleb and was still upset about the way her husband had handled the entire incident. During Sarah’s recovery her uncle had been patient and loving. She could not think of him as father and never would, and she even continued to call him uncle. He had accepted that, and had been rather humble since learning she had heard the conversation about Cora Sax. More than once he had tried to explain, trying to compare his love for Cora with her own for Caleb. But Sarah could not forgive him. If she had loved another man, Caleb would never have raped her for spite. The thought of it was ugly and horrible, and to think of Terrence Sax doing such a thing made her hate him.
Her hatred was strengthened because it was Terrence who had killed Caleb and nearly killed her by forbidding them to be together. No matter how much he swore he had nothing to do with the way Caleb had died, that he would gladly have talked with them about their love, Sarah could not believe him. How could she believe a rapist? How could she believe a man who would condone sending ruffians out to brutalize Caleb and cut off his hair?
Life in the Sax household had been civil, bearable, but nothing would ever again be the same. Because of her illness, Sarah had had no choice but to go back to her aunt and uncle. And now, because of her pregnancy, she feared she might not be able to leave at all. Taking a deep breath, Sarah looked up and told her uncle about her condition. His humility and forgiving attitude vanished.
“I actually let myself believe nothing had happened between you and that Indian,” he raged. “I didn’t even let the doctor examine you for such a thing because I trusted your goodness and decency!”
“I loved him,” she replied boldly. “If you had let us be together and get married none of it would have happened the way it did!”
“That is no excuse for a girl who’s been brought up as you have! Even Cora would have abhorred such a thing!”
“What do you know about what my mother would have approved or disapproved? Is what you did to her any less sinful than what Caleb and I did? At least I loved him. At least I was willing, not forced. At least it was an act of love, not one of lust!”
The man looked ready to hit her, but Sarah did not flinch. Terrence turned and left the house, and all Sarah and Mary could do was await his return. Sarah dreaded what he might say or do. At the moment she was still at their mercy, with no money of her own and no place to go.
She closed her eyes, thinking of Caleb and the beautiful days at the cave, moments she would never experience again. She thought back farther, to the days of their childhood when they had played and learned together. She thought of her mother’s beautiful face and serene nature. Sarah understood now the hint of sorrow that was always in her eyes, understood why Tom Sax seemed overly protective of her feelings. And she thought of Tom himself, a kind, joyful, loving man who had never given one hint that he was not her father. How carefully he had guarded her from the truth. He had loved her as much as any real father could, more than the man who she had discovered really was her father.
It hurt to think back. But looking back seemed easier than looking forward, for the future seemed to hold little for her, except that she would have Caleb’s baby. No matter what, she would have Caleb’s baby.
An hour later the front door opened and Sarah looked at her aunt. There were voices in the hallway, and in the next moment Terrence stepped into the parlor, his face stem and determined. Behind him stood Byron Clawson, so much uglier with his crooked nose which had never healed right after Caleb broke it.
Sarah looked away, her face reddening, her heart pounding. What was Byron Clawson doing here? She refused to look at either of them when Terrence spoke.
“The decision has been made,” he told her. “And you shall abide by it, Sarah. I’ll not have you running around Saint Louis with a big belly and no husband. You have ignored Byron long enough, and he loves you enough to be willing to marry you in spite of the pregnancy. Byron understands that you simply made the mistake of a young, foolish girl—a mistake you deeply regret.”
“I don’t regret anything,” Sarah said cooly, turning to look at her uncle. “Not one thing.” She stood up. “How much did you pay Byron to marry me… Uncle?” She emphasized the word deliberately, enjoying the way he flinched when she used it.
Terrence reddened, but Byron smiled cooly. “Don’t be silly, Sarah, dear. He didn’t have to pay me anything,” he said. His eyes moved over her as though she were naked. “I simply love you. I’ve wanted to marry you for a long time and you know it. You can no longer protest that you are too young or not ready. Considering the circumstances, I think you are more than ready.” He stepped closer, and her stomach churned at the sweet smelling perfume he wore. “I am prepared to make a respectable woman of you, Sarah. You obviously can’t have a baby without being married, and no one else would have you now. I will take you to Washington, D.C. with me, where I am to start a very good job in a few weeks. No one around Saint Louis will know exactly when you had the baby, and when we get to Washington we will simply lie about how long we have been married.” He watched her carefully, hoping she believed his words. It wouldn’t do to let any of them know it was her inheritance he was after—and always had been. Combined with the wealth he would one day receive from his father, Sarah’s inheritance would make him a very wealthy, powerful man.
Sarah looked at her uncle. “I will not marry this man. You know I hate him!”
Terrence stepped closer so that both men towered over Sarah threateningly. “You will marry him, Sarah. You will learn to love him. Many people marry without love and the love comes later. You will learn to love Byron simply for the grand thing he is doing at this moment. His future looks very bright. You will be a rich, important woman, as well as respectable. You will have a home and a name for your child. No one but those of us in this room will know. Byron is making a great sacrifice, and you should appreciate what he is doing. D
on’t shame me any further, Sarah.”
“Me shame you?” She turned away. “I won’t marry him.”
“You will—or I will have the baby aborted. It’s a simple matter, we need only give you something that renders you helpless and have Dr. Nederer take the baby. He’s done it for whores; he can do it to you.”
A horrible chill swept through her at the realization that he was serious. And was he comparing her to a whore?
“Terrence, how can you—” Mary started to protest, but was quickly interrupted by her husband.
“Shut up! You have interfered enough. You will either support me in this or pay dearly later,” he said harshly.
The woman looked at her lap. She had always considered it an honor to be married to Terrence Sax, at least for the first few years. She had been plain, her family poor. In her youth a man like Terrence had been a wonderful catch indeed. Little did she know then he was only marrying her because he needed someone submissive, someone who would accept what he had done to Cora and not turn on him for it. He liked being domineering, important. Mary Whittaker had been the perfect choice, for she had worshipped him those first few years, until she came to really understand Terrence Sax. Still, she was living a life of wealth and prominence she never dreamed possible, and nothing, not even Sarah, could make her give that up. She rose and left the room, and Sarah felt like a rabbit surrounded by wolves.
“You can’t take my baby,” she said in a shaky voice, her back still to them.
“I can do whatever I feel is for your own good. I have done many things for you, Sarah. You owe it to me to have a husband when your child is born. Is that so much to ask?”
“I… I don’t love Byron.”
“Love will come with time. After all, the man is overlooking what you did and is even willing to take in your baby—another man’s child. I’d say that is very big of him, Sarah, something you should be grateful for.”
Sarah turned, seeing the sick humor in Byron Clawson’s eyes. He was not doing anything big, she thought, he was simply winning his own little victory. It made her ill, but she had to think of the baby, Caleb’s baby. She would do anything to keep it. Anything. She met his eyes boldly.
“You agree to keep my baby and raise him as his father?”
He nodded. “I’ve wanted you a long time, Sarah Sax. If this is the only way I can have you, I accept. But I will expect my conjugal rights.”
She colored deeply, the thought of him touching her turning her stomach. But she knew without asking again that Terrence Sax was serious about forcing an abortion if she did not get married. And that was the worst possible threat. She must have this baby. It was Caleb’s. Perhaps if she could get through this and have the child, making it all respectable, she could divorce Byron later and get away from him. But for now she had to find a way for her baby to survive.
She swallowed. “I have been ill. I would expect some respect for that,” she answered. “I need some time… to adjust. I’ve been through a lot, Byron. And I’m not completely well yet. I’ll marry you, but I will not be a wife to you in the full sense… for a time.” Her face flushed again at the horror of it. “However, I will not deny you for long. I only ask for a little patience on your part and some respect for the fact that I do not love you. I do respect the fact that you are willing to marry me, and I accept—if you promise to give me a little time.”
His eyes moved over her again. “I will give you until we reach Washington. That will be roughly one month from now.”
Her eyes teared at the horror of it. Byron Clawson, the very man Caleb hated most and tried to protect her from. Now he would be father to Caleb’s child. What a strange, cruel blow fate was dealing her. But at least she could keep the baby, and if Byron was cruel to her, she would divorce him just as fast as she could. There was shame in divorce also, but not nearly the shame of having a baby out of wedlock. She did not want her child called a bastard. She owed Byron some small bit of gratitude for at least relieving her of that worry. She would try to be civil, try to at least like him.
“When are we to be married?” she asked coldly, feeling as if this were all an awful nightmare.
“Considering the circumstances, I would say tomorrow would be none too soon,” Byron answered. His eyes fell to her waist. “At least you don’t show yet. We will explain to our friends that because I’m due in Washington soon we decided to get married right away to give you time to ‘adjust’ before going off with your new husband,” he sneered. “After all, young ladies sometimes find marriage rather a shock—young ladies, that is, who are still virgins.”
She struggled not to cry, refusing to let him make her buckle.
“No one but the men who chased Caleb know about this, and all have been paid well to keep their mouths shut,” Byron continued. “You are still young and probably the most beautiful woman in Saint Louis. I will be content with that. You will make a fine looking wife on the arm of a senator or governor some day—which is what I plan to be. Be a decent wife, Sarah, and you will never want for anything, nor will your child.”
She nodded. “Very well. Tomorrow we will be married and we will come back here to stay until we leave for Washington. I do not want to be alone with you until then. And we will have separate rooms while we are here.”
His lips curled in an ugly smile. “As you wish.” He stepped closer and kissed her cheek, then turned to look at Terrence. Sarah unconsciously rubbed her cheek with her fingers.
“I’ll make arrangements with the church, sir,” Byron said. “My father will be delighted. He’s always favored Sarah. He, of course, doesn’t know about the baby. I don’t intend to tell him.”
Sax nodded. “Fine. We’ll go into town today and pick out a dress for Sarah. And I will remind you that I love her,” his eyes moved to Sarah, “like a daughter. The two of you have made a bargain, and she has been very sick. I expect you to adhere to her request to wait until you get to Washington.”
Byron put out his hand. “You have my word, sir.”
Terrence shook it firmly. “Thank you, Byron. You’re a fine young man, a fine young man. This means very much to me. I’ll help you all I can with your career. If you ever need a loan or anything—”
“Thank you, but you have no cause for concern. Father keeps me supplied.” He turned and looked at Sarah again, bowing slightly. “Good-bye, Sarah dear.”
She glared at him. Byron sighed and shook his head. “I apparently have my work cut out for me, sir,” he said to Terrence. “But I love her. We’ll manage.”
‘Of course you will.”
The two of them left the room, and Sarah sank back into the loveseat, grasping her stomach and bending over. “Caleb,” she whispered. “Oh Caleb. I have to do this… for our baby.”
She hung her head and wept, her devastation overwhelming. Caleb would never let this happen if he were alive. But he was dead. For a while she had hoped the grave she had been shown was just a trick, but there had been the dead horse, and for over three months there had been no Caleb. If he were alive he would have come for her. What choice did she have now? She could not even run away, not with a baby growing in her womb. All hope was gone. The last bit of beauty and love she had left was Caleb’s child, the seed of their love. Whatever she had to suffer to keep it, she would suffer—even to marrying Byron Clawson.
She would be brave now, for Caleb. She would go to her room and take out the blue quill necklace and hold it while she prayed for strength, and she would feel Caleb’s spirit and power with her. Thank God her carpetbag had been retrieved that awful day Caleb had fled Saint Louis. The necklace was still inside when she had finally been able to look. It was the most joy she had known in many weeks. When she held the necklace in her hand she felt safe and loved. It had been Caleb’s most sacred treasure, and now it was hers. No one would take it from her, just as no one would take Caleb’s baby.
Emily took Caleb to the river as often as possible. With the help of men she hired, Caleb was supported in
the water and able to exercise his limbs, his body lighter in water. Eventually his muscles strengthened enough that he could start moving his limbs out of the water, but Emily suspected it was due not so much to actual physical recovery as Caleb’s determination to be whole again. Slowly the damage to the nerves in his back began to right itself, and Caleb’s spirit improved with each day of hope that he could go to his son.
Emily would often watch him struggle with the painful exercise, seeing an inner strength in him that few men possessed, a part, she was sure, of his Indian heritage. She admired his spirit, his determination, his closeness to a world from which he drew strength. As often as he tried to explain the Indian religion, the belief in the earth and animal spirits, an attitude that was so vastly different from the white man’s, Emily simply could not grasp it all. Yet she often wished she could find that other world in which Caleb sometimes got lost, a world of intense concentration and a connection with spirits that gave him power and courage and pride.
To his great relief, Caleb found he didn’t need the sacred articles that normally helped him pray and grow close to the spirits. He had left his medicine bag with his son to keep forever should Caleb not return, hoping the bag would protect the boy from harm while he was gone. The only thing he had kept with him was the blue quill necklace, but now that was gone, too. He was determined that its loss would not destroy his strength and spirit. By concentrating very hard he was able to feel close to the spirits.
Savage Horizons Page 30
