by Mary Smith
“How do you know?” Cabel inquires.
“Because you hide your screen whenever anyone gets close to you. That means your sexting or exchanging nudes.” Nathan laughs causing the rest of the table to do the same. Even I grin at the comment.
“So, who is she, Pops?” Teo sips his water.
Cabel doesn’t answer.
“Is she married?” Alden smirks.
Cabel glares at him. Everyone knows Cabel is a moral man. He’d never sleep with a married woman.
“What’s the deal?” Alden pushes.
“I’m not saying,” he finally says.
“Why not?” I join in on the conversation.
“Because I don’t know if we are in a relationship. I really like her, but I’m not sure if she feels the same about me. It’s possible she only wants to be friends.” He confesses.
Teo pats his back. “You’re a good guy. I’m sure she likes you more than you think.”
“Just talk to her.” Vance adds his opinion. “You’re an adult just as she is.”
“I know and I want to. However, I hate to push the envelope.” Cabel actually seems sad.
“You really like her.” It’s not a question. It’s a true statement. That is why I said it.
He nods. “I do.”
Before the guys bombard him with more questions, the waitress brings our food. Again, the perks of being a New Hampshire Bears player, food comes out before anyone else’s. The conversation eases into hockey. They talk about road games, opposing players, and the outlook of the season.
I miss being on the ice with them. I miss hockey more than anything. It’s my life. It’s the air I breathe.
“How’s Erin?” Cabel asks me.
The sound of her name almost makes me smile the biggest smile. “She’s well.”
“Bas, did you watch Beck’s game?” Alden jumps in. “Dude, his catch in the fourth quarter almost made me jump off the couch.”
I shrug. “I don’t watch football.” I’ve never seen Beck or Bax play professionally and they’ve never seen me either.
“You busy or something?” Alden furrows his brow.
“Or something,” I answer with no real emotion.
Thankfully our checks come. I quickly toss some money down before standing up and heading outside. Talking about my brothers is something I definitely don’t want to do today. I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster, and I’m ready to get off it.
On the ride home, Cabel drops everyone else off before me. I knew he would because he wants to talk. No, he doesn’t have to say it out loud. I just know him well enough.
As soon as Teo says goodbye and shuts the door, it begins. “English, what’s going on?”
I sigh. “Nothing.”
“You can talk to me.”
I’m getting tired of everyone saying I can talk to them. If I can talk to them, I will, but I just don’t want to. No one understands what is happening in my life.
Wait, what is happening?
I lost hockey. I’m a complete failure. I sort of have Erin, and I don’t want to screw that up. However, there’s a lot more I need to do.
Like what?
I don’t know.
“Bas?”
Glancing at Cabel, his concerned expression is clear to see. “Yea?”
“I’m here for you and you’re home.”
I realize he’s parked in front of my building. “Thanks.” Before any more is said I jump out of the Hummer and walk inside.
The moment I step over the threshold of my apartment, I search for a bottle. The talk of my parents, the pledge, and dinner were enough for me today. The pain is worse than ever. It’s a hot branch burning my soul.
Gulp after gulp, the burn of the alcohol isn’t soothing the pain like it normally does. Flashes of my parents’ funeral cause me to chug the bottle faster until I’m forced to stop and breathe. I’m crying again.
Leaning my head against the back of the couch, I close my eyes. I can see my mother’s long brown hair as she’s cooking, moving about the kitchen. Clearly I can see Dad’s smile as he talks about the latest rugby score.
Knock. Knock.
I shake my head. I don’t care who’s on the other side, I’m not getting up.
Bang. Bang.
My body shakes with each loud bang on the door. I know it’s not Erin. She has a key and just walks in if she wants.
“Bas!”
I groan hearing Bax’s voice on the other side of the door.
“Open up!”
I sigh hearing Beck’s voice. I can’t handle them right now. Hearing the door handle jingle, I remember I didn’t lock the door. “Fuck.” I stand and meet my brothers face to face as they’re coming into my apartment.
“Drinking, eh?” Beck sneers at me.
“I’m not in the fucking mood today.” I turn my back to them and go back to the couch hoping they leave. No such luck.
“Bas, we came to check on you.” Bax comes over to me.
“Go away.” I beg. “Not today.”
“We’re worried about you.” Bax reaches for me, but I move away from him.
“I’m fine.” I revert to my automatic lie.
“Then why are you holding onto the bottle?” Beck points to my hands. “You can set it down.”
I glance down at the bottle. My knuckles are white from the grip. I can’t set it down because I need it.
I need it?
I need it!
“Go away.” I tell them again.
“Talk to us. We’re here for you.” Bax tries to reason with me, but I’m over it.
Absolutely over it.
“I won’t say it again.” I growl. “I don’t want to talk to you or to anyone else. Get the fuck out.”
“You’re a fucking piece of shit.” Beck argues. “We’re supposed to be family, yet you can give a fuck-less about us.”
I had heard the expression, seeing red, but really didn’t understand what it meant…until this very moment.
“Fuck you!” I jump to my feet, slamming the bottle onto the coffee table. “You don’t think I care about you? Well, you’re fucking wrong. I’ve stayed away to protect you.”
“Protect us?” Beck furrows his brow. “From what?”
“From me,” I yell. “I killed our parents. I ruined Grams’ and Gramps’ lives. I fucked up your lives. Why can’t you understand?” I push my hands through my hair, tugging on it, wanting the pain to course through me.
“You fuck.” Beck and I are nose-to-nose now. “That’s a cop-out because you know damn well you did none of it. Our parents died skiing. Our grandparents love us more than anything. Our lives are fine. Are they great? No, but whose are? We’re in careers we love and live close in distance. But it’s more you, Bas. You’re the one who keeps pushing us away because you love that fucking drink more than either of us.”
His face is red. My adrenaline is pumping, making my ears ring. Our breathing is erratic because of the anger and passion we feel. In our lifetime, we’ve had our fights and arguments but this is a new level.
“Enough.” Bax pushes in between us. “This isn’t how to handle this.” His hands are making Beck take several steps away from me.
“Maybe if I kick your wanker ass you’ll understand you suck as a brother.” Beck continues to run his mouth, and I’m about to lose it.
“If you want to row, let’s fucking go.” I grab Bax’s arm, yanking him away from Beck’s chest. “I’m ready.”
Beck scoffs. “Do you really think you can beat me?”
Nose-to-nose again, I clench my fists. “I know I can.”
“You’re nothing but a fucking drunk. There’s no way you will ever be as good as me.”
I pull my arm back ready to strike, but Bax grabs me from behind, locking my arms.
“Both of you stop. Stop this now,” he yells at us. “We can’t break apart like this.” He tugs on me harder, but my attention is only on Beck.
“You’re no longer my brother.�
�� I hiss at him. He’s done being in my life. I’ve done everything to stay away, to keep them safe, and this is how they treat me.
“You’ve not been my brother since the day you left for America. Remember what you said?” He narrows his eyes. “Because I remember it clearly.”
I shrug Bax away from me, freeing my arms. “What the fuck are you talking about?” Yes, I know Beck and Bax took me to the airport, but I don’t remember saying anything.
“You said you’d never see us again until we came to your funeral.” Beck’s tone changes from anger to sadness. “You are our brother and we tried everything to save you, and how do you repay us? By telling us you never want to see us. Some big brother you are.” He stares at me for another second. “Now, I’ll say this.” He points his finger directly at me. “Don’t ever contact me, don’t ever speak to me, and don’t ever think we’re brothers. We’re nothing to each other.”
He doesn’t give me a chance to respond, even though I have nothing to say, he turns and leaves me standing with Bax.
“Bas, what are you doing?” Bax moves in front of me.
I say nothing.
“What are you doing to yourself? To us?”
Again, I remain silent.
“I don’t want you to die before you’re twenty-five. Our parents wouldn’t want that either.” He steps toward the door. “Bye, Bas.”
Even though the door softly closes, it bangs in my head.
Chapter Twelve
Erin
Leaving Bas this morning was difficult. A lot of dynamics changed between us last night. I’m not even sure how it happened. One minute he’s talking and the next we’re in bed together. I’ve always felt the sexual pull to Bas. Hell, I’m sure many girls had but first, he’s my friend. I know I need to be there for him right now. He’s close to coming to terms with his drinking. I thought last night would be his breakthrough, but he still thinks he can handle it. I wish there’s some way I can make him see—realize—what’s happening to him.
Sadly there is no way.
He needs to figure it out on his own.
Time seems to be flying by today. I texted Bas several times, with no response. It’s not abnormal for him not to text me right away, but I’m concerned about him. Plus, I want to know what happened with him and the therapist today.
Checking my phone, I figure I should eat something and make some extra for Bas. As I stand in front of my pantry, trying to figure out what I’m making, my cell phone begins to chime.
“Hello,” I answer the unfamiliar number.
“Erin.” It’s an English accent but not Bas’.
“Yes.” It has to be one of his brothers.
“It’s Beck.”
I’m correct.
“How are you?”
He groans. “Terrible. May I ask a favor?”
“Sure.” It seems I’m their go-between with Bas, which I completely understand since he’s as stubborn as a mule.
“Check on Bas for us. We were there a few hours ago, and it’s a fucking mess. We just want to make sure he’s okay.” His voice cracks at the request.
“What happened?” I had no clue Bas was even home.
“Just an argument between brothers.” Beck doesn’t elaborate. I get the impression it’s much worse than a simple disagreement.
“I’ll check on him.”
“Just don’t tell him I asked. I don’t want him to be any more upset than he already is.” He begs.
“I won’t. I’ll text you after I go over there.” I promise.
“Thanks.” He ends the call before I can say goodbye.
I know Bas has to be completely drunk by now, which makes me not want to go over there. I decide to make a few sandwiches, grab a bag of chips and a couple of bottles of water. I pack it all into a bag, pick up my keys, and stroll across the hall. I knock a couple of times. Sure, I can just walk in and normally do, but I give the guy some respect. When he doesn’t answer, I use the key to let myself in.
“Bas.” I call out. I don’t hear him. Going into the kitchen I plate the food. “Bas,” I yell louder.
I give up on hollering out a third time and begin to walk further into the apartment. He’s not in the living room or his bedroom. I notice the bathroom door is closed.
I tap on the door. “Bas, you okay?”
No answer.
The little hairs on the back of my neck begin to stand. I can’t hear anything on the other side. Deep in the pit of my stomach, I know something isn’t right.
“Bas, open this door.”
I begin to pound on it until my palms hurt and notice there’s a little give. I push on the door, but something’s in the way, blocking it.
“Bas!” I scream. With all my might I shove open the door. Once I squeeze myself in, I’m stunned. Bas is on the floor. “Oh fuck.”
Pale and unmoving.
I drop to my knees and shake him. “Bas! Bas, wake up!” I sob, yelling louder and louder. He’s pale. Paler than normal.
He’s cold.
I lean down and listen to his breathing. I can’t tell if he is or isn’t. I yank my cell phone out of my back pocket and call 911.
“911, what’s—”
“Help! Help my friend isn’t breathing.” I rush out the words as my hands shake uncontrollably. “Please hurry.”
The 911 operator is asking me questions and I think I’m answering back. Time has seemed to stop. They told me to move him on his side since he has a pulse. The EMTs weren’t coming fast enough.
“Bas, please don’t die.” I beg him.
I’m not sure if an hour passed or ten seconds, but the EMTs are there in the bathroom with me. They ask me a thousand questions, and it’s all a blur. They were kind enough to let me ride in the back of the ambulance.
I watch as a female hooks up an IV and tapes pads on his bare chest. They had cut his shirt in the bathroom. I feel as if the world has stopped on its axis and all I can think about is Bas dying in front of me.
Reaching the hospital, I race at the same speed as everyone else. They’re all barking orders in a commanding fashion as if they’ve done it a hundred times before.
I stand outside the room watching the doctors and nurses move in sync. I’m frozen—I feel helpless. I should have done more. I should have driven him to rehab. I shouldn’t have bought bottles of alcohol and teased him with them. I should have been with him today and taken him to the therapist.
I gasp. “Oh shit.”
I need to call people. I realize my cell phone is still in my hands. I’d been holding it the entire time, and I didn’t even know it. I find Beck’s number. Considering he’s the last person to have called me, it isn’t too difficult.
“How is he?”
“Beck, get to the hospital now. It’s bad.” I can’t give him any further information because I don’t know anything else.
“Bax and I are on our way.” He ends the call.
I stare at my phone, knowing there should be more people to call, but everything is a haze. I keep peeking into the room with Bas as everyone continues to move about the room.
Cabel.
I can call Cabel. Searching through my contacts, I find his name and number. Tapping the screen twice I move the phone to my ear, listening to the rings.
“Erin, is he okay?”
I try to hold back my sobs, but I’m unable to. However, I manage to say, “No.”
“Where is he?”
“Hospital. Hurry.” This time I end the call because I can’t contain my crying any longer. Holding my hand over my mouth, I suppress my cries.
The nurse closes the curtain, blocking me from viewing Bas. I’m not sure which is worse, seeing him or not seeing him. I don’t know what to do, or where to go, or…am I even breathing?
“Erin!”
I turn toward the end of the hall. It’s Bax and Beck running to me. How did they get here so fast?
“How is he?”
“What’s happening?”
; “What’s the doctor saying?”
“Is he alive?”
They keep asking me question after question. “I don’t know,” I say over and over.
Their faces are grim, understandably so. They stand with me, and the three of us stare at the closed drapes in his room. There isn’t much talking in the room as before, but we can still see movement.
“Zorn?” A male with beautiful deep brown skin pushes the curtain out of the way.
“Yes,” we all say in unison.
“This way.” He moves away from Bas’ room, and I’m hesitant to follow the doctor, but I do.
“I’m Dr. Ngyen.” He introduces himself. “I’m going to guess you’re his brothers.”
Bax and Beck nod.
“He has alcohol poisoning. At least, that is my professional opinion. I’m waiting for the blood work. Is there any family history I should be aware of?”
“No,” Beck answers. Bax seems as if he’s going to faint. “He does have a history of alcohol abuse. Is he going to be okay?”
“I’m going to run more tests. He’s going to be out of it for a while and then we’ll go from there when he wakes up.”
“When can we see him?” Bax’s voice cracks and a single tear escapes from his eye.
“We’ll get him into a room shortly.” He leaves the three of us in the hallway.
We make our way to the waiting room and sit down. I feel utterly helpless. Bax is on my left, Beck on my right. None of us talk. We just…sit.
Time moves at a pace no one can calculate. Stephen Hawking himself can’t figure out how time moves at this particular moment. Fast? Slow? Stopped? I don’t know how I’m feeling either. Am I cold? Am I breathing? Am I blinking? I don’t know. I don’t know anything.
“Erin.”
I jerk out of the trance and jump up to my feet. “Cabel.
Bas’ teammate hugs me tightly before shaking hands with Bax and Beck. “How is he?”
I notice other Bears players rushing in as Beck tells them what the doctor had said. The faces of rough, tough hockey players are grim, sad, almost…frightened.
“He’s not woken up yet.” Beck tells everyone.
“Do they know what happened?” Nathan asks.
“He drinks. A lot. Everyone knows it,” Beck says with no real emotion. He seems cold. However, I don’t know him well enough to say how he’s truly feeling.
