by Mary Smith
When the nurse removed my IV, the nausea I hadn’t been feeling started to hit me. She gave me a pill, but it didn’t help much. Caryn gave me an overview of the withdrawal symptoms. Some sound scary, but I know Caryn will get me through it.
Right now, I’m waiting for Erin. I can’t find my mobile so I had asked Caryn to call her. I love Erin, and I need to tell her. She’s the one person I want…need…by my side. I’ve been a fool for treating her the way I have been, and it stops today. She’s been the only one by my side and I threw her out. She must hate me. No, she does hate me. I’ll need to make it up to her.
My dinner comes. It’s just as gross as lunch and breakfast. Caryn told me I had to eat. I examine the chicken—I think it’s chicken—and the other items on the plate. The telly has the news on and of course, I’m not paying attention to it at all.
The door slowly opens and an angel appears. Erin. My Erin. She’s in a sweatshirt and a tight pair of jeans, hugging her in the right places. Her long hair is tied up in a messy bun and she isn’t wearing any makeup.
No makeup?
Erin always has makeup on. She never leaves home without it.
“Hi.” I break the silence in the room.
“Hey.” She takes a couple more steps into the room. “How are you feeling?”
“Like shit.” I tell her honestly. “I want to tell you—”
“Wait.” She cuts me off and moves to my bedside. “Let me speak first.”
“Okay.” I sit up higher in my bed.
“Bas, I’ve been your friend since day one. My feelings have grown throughout these past several months. I’m not sure why because the majority of the time you were either mean, throwing up on me, or passed out. How did my feelings grow?” Her voice lowers with the question. She walks to the front of my bed and I see she’s almost…angry.
“Erin—”
“Don’t talk.” She holds her hands up again. “I can’t enable you anymore, Bas. I will not watch you slowly kill yourself.” She takes a deep breath. “I love you. However, I can’t stand by you anymore. If you want to die, then you will die alone. Goodbye, Bas.”
I’m frozen in shock watching her leave the room before I can respond to her. She left me. I love her, and she left me. She wants me to die alone. I thought she was my friend. I thought she was mine.
I can’t even process what I’m thinking at this moment. I had a plan laid out, but Erin was by my side in it. She’s going to be my rock. Was. Now, I have…nothing.
I change into a set of clean clothes. I think it was Cabel who brought them, but I really don’t care who it was. Escaping the hospital is simpler than I imagined it would be. I had to get out of there.
Reaching my apartment proves to be more difficult for me. Physically, anyway. I’m exhausted, falling onto my couch. There are several empty bottles laying around.
“I’m an alcoholic.” I mumble. “I have no one.”
There’s a stab in my heart. It’s true now. I have no one. I force myself off the couch with every cell of my body. I move about my apartment finding the bottles I had hidden from Erin. As I search my closet, my mind is telling me what to do. I have no one and there’s no point in taking space.
In my closet, there’s a box at the top of my shelf. I pull it down, type in the code, and open it up to see my Glock 43 9mm. By no means am I a gun enthusiast. In fact, I’m the opposite. I only purchased the gun because I thought I would need protection. Truth is, I’ve never fired it. I almost forgot I had it, but tonight it’ll serve a purpose.
I grab the gun and a bottle of vodka and go to the living room.
Her words are spinning around in my head like a whirlpool with a never-ending end. I love her and she wants nothing to do with me. I place the bottle of vodka to my lips and chug it. I gag a few times, but I can’t stop drinking.
I can’t stop drinking.
I can’t stop drinking until the pain is gone.
I don’t want to feel anything anymore.
My life is over.
I chuck the empty bottle hard and it smashes against the opposite wall. Small shards of glass litter the floor. My sob catches in my throat, and I choke on it.
I have no one.
What am I going to do?
Then I see it laying next to me. I stare at it with relief. It’s my out. It’ll be the one thing to take the pain away. To make all the problems I have and caused to just go away. This is it.
I pick the gun up in my hand. My fingers caress the barrel with love and appreciation as this will be the one thing to help me.
Ding. Ding.
My mobile is going off.
Ding. Ding.
It’s close. I look to my left and right and see it under my coffee table. I pick it up and see a text.
Cabel: Where are you?
I don’t want to be around him. Or anyone for that matter. I can’t stand the stares, the ‘how are you doing?’ questions, and most of all the tones. The tones of their voices cut through me like a hot knife. Those sympathetic tones. I hate them. I hate all of them.
I hate everyone.
I have no one anyway. It doesn’t matter.
I hold my head in my hands as the dings from my mobile continue on and on. I pick it up.
Me: I am not your problem. I won’t be anyone’s problem soon.
Then I throw it across the room. It lands on top of the shards of glass from the bottle of vodka I had just thrown across the room a moment ago.
I hold the gun tighter in my hand. I should write a note. Isn’t that what people do? Write a note? My brothers and grandparents should know it’s not their fault.
It’s me.
Everything has happened because of me.
How does one start a suicide note? How do I explain what I’m feeling or how I got to this point in my life? All the bad stuff that happened is because of me. I know it. I feel it.
I don’t know how long I stare at the gun. Or how long the waves of helplessness and worthlessness flood me. I’m drowning in it. There’s no air for me to breathe. It’s gone. All gone and I’m alone.
“Bas.”
I can hear the voice, but it sounds far away.
“Bas, listen to me, Son.” It’s Oliver. He’s near. I can feel it. “It’s okay. It’s going to be okay. I can promise you.”
“No.” I tell the voice. “It won’t be. I ruin everything. It’s all my fault.”
“It’s not. I promise you nothing is ruined. If it is, then we’ll fix it together. You and me. I’ll be right there by your side. I swear it.”
“Everyone leaves.” The hot tears burn my cheeks. “I have no one.” I sob.
“You have me, Son. I’m right here.”
I open my eyes and gasp. Oliver is kneeling in front of me. Cabel, Teo, Alden, Nathan, Vance, and Hamilton are behind him. All looking at me. They all look scared. I take a deep breath, grip the gun and put it on my temple. The cold hard steel hurts as I push it against my skin.
“No!” They all cry out and reach toward me.
Oliver holds his hand up and stops their motion. “Bas. Bas, look at me.”
My eyes focus on his.
“Listen to me. Have I ever broken a promise to you?”
I shake my head slowly.
“Do you trust me?”
I nod just as slow.
“Then hand me the gun and let me help you. I promise you, it’s okay. I promise I will be right by your side and get you through this. Don’t hurt yourself. You’re too important to me. To a lot of people. Please, Bas.” He holds out his hand. “Give it to me.”
I don’t move. I’m frozen in place. It’s as if the barrel of the gun is glued to me.
“Bas.” Oliver pleads. “Don’t do this. Don’t let it win. Let me help you. Please.” He’s begging and the imaginative glue begins to loosen.
Slowly I pull it away, still staring at Oliver’s eyes. I can see the seriousness, the sadness, and the hope. It’s all right there. I hand it to him. Just as he ta
kes it out of my hands, the floodwalls collapse and a barrage of emotions outpour from me. I sob as if my soul had been ripped from my chest. I fall into his arms, and he holds me. He keeps telling me over and over how it’s going to be okay and everything will be all right. Deep down, I know he’s telling the truth, but right now all I can do is cry and cry.
Chapter Fourteen
Erin
I’m not one to cry, but it seems today is the day. I have drained myself of tears, and I’m curled up in bed. I’ve been here since I left the hospital. Actually, I’ve been here since Bas threw me out of the hospital the first time. It’s where I realized the truth and went to talk to him.
Loving Bas has done everything to make me forget who I am. I love him because he’s a lost puppy. Not literally, but it’s easy for me to fall for someone who’s broken. I want to fix him. However, I can’t do it. He’ll never admit he needs help.
He tried to kill himself.
There’s no reversing that if he succeeded.
I force myself to get out of bed, but my legs don’t want to hold me up. I sit on the side of the bed, wiping the tears away, wondering when I became selfish. It’s not selfish, it’s self-preservation. I can’t carry Bas anymore, even though I want to.
Ding. Ding.
My cell phone has been going off for the past hour but ignoring it is what I’m doing. I manage to get up and make my way to the bathroom.
Washing my face with the coldest water I can stand, I wake up.
“I should work.” I tell myself in the mirror. “Yes, I’m going to work.”
I stop in the kitchen and fire up the Keurig machine, brewing a fresh cup of coffee before going to my computers and firing them up. I stare at the glow of the screens, but there’s not an ounce in me that wants to work.
Ding. Ding.
“Go away,” I mutter and go back to finishing making my coffee.
Sitting in front of the computer, I open my email. Even though I had cleared it up earlier in the day, there seems to be more than ever before. Victoria had told me she had spread the word I have been working with her and news spread like wildfire in our computer world.
Knock. Knock.
“Erin, it’s Bax and Beck.”
My heart stops. Something must have happened to Bas. I rush to the door, throwing it open. They look sad. No sad doesn’t even cover it. They’re devastated.
“What is it?” I can hear the shakiness in my voice.
“May we come in?” Bax asks.
I nod, stepping to the side, shutting the door after they’ve passed the threshold. Every cell in my body knows something is wrong. Massively wrong.
“Erin, did you go over to the hospital tonight?” Beck steps closer to me.
“About three hours ago or so.” I confirm. “Is he okay?”
“No,” Bax says. “What did you say to him?”
I furrow my brow. “It’s personal. Is he okay?” I push the issue. I have to know.
Beck glares at me and Bax shakes his head, but no one is answering me.
“Guys, is…he…” I can’t say the word.
“This is what we know.” Bax starts. “Caryn came by. She can’t tell us all the details, but she did tell us Bas was planning on going to rehab. Then she left to get everything in order to take him this evening. The nurse said she checked in on him after Caryn left, and he was fine.” He sighs. “Then you visited, and I’ll guess it wasn’t a smooth conversation.”
I don’t elaborate on the topic. My stomach flips and turns listening to his words.
“Either way, he ran away from the hospital and came back here. The hospital called us saying he split. Cabel figured out he was here in his apartment. Some of the Bears and Oliver came here and found him with a gun to his head.”
“A gun?” I shout. Does Bas own a gun?
“Oliver talked him down and then took him to rehab.” This time Beck picks up the story. “They have a suicide watch on him and he’s holed up in some rubber room. Caryn thinks it’s part of his withdrawals, but…” He shrugs glaring at me.
“He had a gun.” I sit down because I can’t believe what I’m hearing.
“Cabel told me he had every intention of using it.” Bax sits down next to me.
“Where is he now?” I’m not sure what is going through my head. Bas was planning on going to rehab? I can’t imagine what he’s feeling right now.
“Locked in some room where cameras watch him,” Beck answers. “Caryn said she’ll keep a personal eye on him.”
“How long will he be there?” My head is still spinning.
“A few months, I think.” Bax tells me. “We’re not sure about visitors.”
I nod. “I wish him luck.” My heart twists at the words.
Both of their eyes widen.
“Look.” I sigh, trying to keep my composure. “Bas is a good man who needs help. So, I hope he does well in treatment.”
They both stare at me for several seconds.
“We’ll leave you then.” Bax finally breaks the silence.
I lock the door when they both leave and slide down it, just as new tears begin to fall. It’s my fault he wanted to kill himself…again. Why did I push him? Maybe that’s what he wanted to talk about, but I selfishly cut him off.
Sitting on the floor, I realize Bas needs to work on him. I can’t act like some teenager with a crush. I have goals I want to accomplish in my career and this is the time for me to do it.
Several weeks later.
Blanche, Paityn, Victoria, and I laugh as we walk out of the restaurant. It’s the first time I’ve been out since the night Bas’ brothers came by to tell me where he was at rehab. Blanche tried to twist my arm into going to some charity auction. Bax and Beck were just two of numerous New Hampshire athletes being auctioned off. I declined but promised to go out to dinner with them in lieu of the auction.
Victoria and I have been in constant contact since we’re working on another project together. I recently received my portion of our last sale. I took her advice on retaining an attorney and accountant right away. I almost passed out seeing the large amount of money in my checking account. It made the reality…real on completing my goals.
“When are you moving?” Paityn asks as we wait for our cars at the valet.
“I’m supposed to close on the townhouse within the next week.” I tell them.
Moving out of my apartment is a big step for me. I feel like an adult. However, it feels like I’m leaving a piece behind. Especially since I’ve found no closure with Bas. I still miss him and think of him a lot.
Victoria’s, who drove Paityn and Blanche, car pulls up. There’s a round of hugs and tentative plans to meet up next weekend before they drive off.
“Erin.”
I turn to see Cabel and a beautiful red hair woman coming toward me.
“Cabel, how are you?”
“I’m well. And you?” he politely asks.
“Good,” I say with an awkward pause.
“Oh, this is my girlfriend Caryn Hammons.” He finally introduces us. “Caryn, this is Erin. She’s a friend of Bas’.”
I’m not sure how to react because I’m pretty certain this is Bas’ therapist. I remember the name. “Hello.” I want to ask about him but quickly stop my mouth from opening with the words I’m dying to ask.
“Bas is doing okay.” Cabel volunteers the information. “His brothers went and saw him the other day. Vance and I went over today. He’s doing much better.”
My heart leaps with happiness because I want him to do well. “Happy to hear it.” The valet pulls up with my car, and I say a quick goodbye before heading back to the apartment.
Most of my place is already packed. The only items left are my computers, some clothes, and my personal necessities. I’m ready to get to my new place. I’ll have an actual office since the townhouse has two bedrooms. I fell in love with the place the first time I walked in it. I had a great realtor who was able to get the place for me within my price
range.
As I grab a bottle of water out of the fridge, there’s a knock on my door. When I open the door, I’m shocked.
“Bax.”
I hadn’t seen either of Bas’ brothers since that night.
“Hi, Erin. Do you have a minute?”
“Sure. Come in.”
“No, I just want to tell you Bas is doing better and wanted me to give you this.”
In his hand is a folded piece of paper. My hands reach for it without thinking, taking it from him.
“He’s doing much better,” he says before turning and leaving.
I can’t believe Bas wrote a letter to me. Even though I still think of him, I figured he didn’t think of me.
Sitting on my couch, I open the letter.
Dear Erin,
I’m probably the last person you want to hear from, but I want to tell you what I wanted to say the night in the hospital.
I love you.
You have been the only real person in my life who has seen my flaws and still stayed by my side.
I love you.
I hope someday you can forgive me.
Bas
I read once, twice, three times before it sinks in. He loves me. I can’t believe it or even begin to process what is going on with me emotionally. This is a massive moment. This is what I want. However, a small dot of doubt creeps up into my head. Is he just doing this because he’s alone? No, Cabel said he was doing better. He must be thinking clearly.
Cabel!
He can get in contact with Bas for me.
I quickly find my phone and search for his number.
As soon as he answers I say, “Cabel, I need to get a message to Bas.”
“Okay.” He simply states.
“Tell him I got his letter, and I love him too.” It feels like a brick house with a house party of elephants in it lifting off my chest.
I’m free.
Cabel chuckles. “I will. I’m seeing him again next week. Do you want to come?”
“No.” Yes. “I want him to get well, and I’ll be waiting for him when he’s better.” Even though I’m desperate to see him, I don’t want to jeopardize his recovery.
