“Patrick, “there were screams from the paparazzi but Patrick only stopped to talk to the press that had been invited to the event. There were a few questions about us but he managed to dodge them in a very professional manner and we went on.
He took advantage of this event and never let go of my hand for more than 10 seconds. He seemed really excited to be able to hold my hand in public and I had to admit, at that very moment, that I felt especial knowing that I was with Patrick Maynard and that very few people really knew who he was. I smiled.
“You are smiling,” he said in my ear as we walked to the podium that was installed for a very quick speech before he could cut the red ribbon.
“I’m happy,” I said looking at him.
“No, you are smiling your secretive smile,” he said stopping and looking at me. He didn’t care that everyone stopped right behind us just because he wanted to know what made me smile. I sighed.
“I know you. That is what I am smiling about,” If comments like this were the ones that brought out the kind of smile that I witnessed the moment I said that I was going to make sure to say more of whatever it was made him smile the way that he did.
He walked and stood behind the podium I stayed among the guests next to his mom and sister. He was so happy and that made my heart feel happy. I looked around and realized that I had so much but that made me so vulnerable too. Patrick talked; he talked about education, about the importance of it, about a dream he had and about the chance of making that dream a reality. He looked at me as he said “Thank you, Thank you for being here, for being part of this,” I wanted to let the world that it was me who he was looking at. I wanted to jump up and down with my hand in the air saying “me, me, me.” I felt like a schoolgirl.
It was the moment where he had to cut the ribbon and he motioned for me to go next to him.
“I am cutting this but in reality it should be the two of us,” he said looking at me and holding both my hands.
“It’s your project, Patrick, I am just here for the ride,” I smiled and felt that I could cry but I was not about to become a cliché so I swallowed back the lump in my throat and he finally cut the ribbon. There were pictures, a lot, and people walking over to say congratulations before going into the building for a quick tour that we had put together. It was all real quick because the real party was supposed to be held that night at the hotel. People went in, got to know the offices and what the first course was about. They got to experience firsthand what it felt to be an MBU student by accessing to an account to the platform that was set up in a computer in a room for anyone who wanted to see it.
“He is happy,” said Brian standing next to me as we saw people talking to him and people in line to test the platform.
“I know,” I nodded.
“You are happy,” said Brian looking at me.
“I am happy that he is happy,” I looked at him.
“What’s that?” he asked with curiosity.
“What exactly?” I asked confused.
“When someone is happy that the other person is happy. When you do everything to make the other person’s dreams come true. How do you call it, Lucy?” Brian was smiling.
“I know what you are doing, Brian,” I said looking ahead and waving to the people I knew.
“Well, if you do, then you are taking an awful lot to let him know,” said Brian smiling at me as if he hadn’t just told me that I was hiding my feelings for Patrick.
“Lucy,” I heard Regina’s voice and I relaxed looking at her and smiling. “How are you, dear?” she asked hugging me.
“Great,” I said putting my hands on her shoulders “How are you Sam?” I asked and he smiled. He was not a man of many words.
“This is amazing!! I am so happy for you guys,” she said as Brian turned to look at me and grinned.
“It was all Patrick, Regina,” I smiled.
“It wouldn’t have been possible if it wasn’t for you, Lucy,” she said with a tenderness that made me want to hug her. Brian was standing right behind her and widened his eyes to acknowledge her comment and I completely ignored him.
The offices tour and platform testing was over soon and we were back at the apartment where we ate crab salad, that was nowhere near Miranda’s and I made sure to let her know in a text, and then we were about to get ready for the cocktail party.
“I want to fall asleep and wake up next winter,” I said laying in the bed while Patrick began to undress himself.
“I know but the hard part will be over soon and we will be able to focus on the part that we like,” he said taking off his shoes.
“I need to take a bath,” I said as I walked to the bathroom to start the water in the tub and back to the room to lay my dress for the night on the bed. Patrick grabbed my hand and kissed it as he went to turn on the TV and I went to the bathroom. Once I got in the tub I realized how at ease we were with each other like getting ready, together in the same room was something we did every day for the past 2 years. I sighed and pushed those thoughts away because tonight I needed to be on point for the cocktail. After a while Patrick went in to let me know that it was time for me to step out of the tub because we didn’t want to be late.
I got out and put on a robe and then sat on the bed to do my makeup and put my hair up in bun with straight bangs. I stepped into the dress I’d chosen that was a Victoria’s Secret black lace dress with an open back and some simple but beautiful Louboutin pumps and I was ready.
“Astounding as ever,” said Patrick coming out of the walk in closet wearing a black suit with a black bow tie and white shirt. I walked over to him and raised one leg of his pants and checked his socks. I shook my head when I realized he was wearing blue socks and went to get his solid black socks. Once he changed them we left for the party.
It was a beautiful black and white set up with lounge couches and high chairs. The preparation for this event was not in my hands; Stuart had come forward and asked Patrick to let him and his team plan the cocktail so when I got there I was impressed. So elegant and festive at the same time.
“Thank you so much, Stuart,” I said to him once I got the opportunity to talk to him.
“I know this means a lot to him,” he said looking at his big brother. For the first time I could clearly see Stuart looking at Patrick with his younger brother eyes and it was humbling.
“It does,” I nodded and smiled. Wide. These were things why I was alive. I decided.
The night went by pretty quick Patrick and I had to go from one person to another thanking them for coming to the party and toasting for a successful business. Patrick managed to get some people interested in the project and made sure to arrange meetings with them for the following weeks. The assistant in me couldn’t help but take note on those meetings at least mentally. I made sure that I stuck to one glass of champagne the whole night so I wouldn’t find myself drunk at some point.
People came and went and we just stood there saying hellos and goodbyes. When everyone had left and only Patrick, Brian and I were left, we sat on a lounge couch.
“I want to propose a toast,” I said taking my champagne glass and they both grabbed theirs.
“I want to make a toast to fish dying,” I smiled and finally let a tear come out “I want to make a toast to finding friends and a toast to finding someone to share what it’s important in life,” I said and both Patrick and Brian seemed touched.
“Cheers,” the three of us said and Patrick got up to hug me.
“I’m ready to go, guys,” said Brian getting up and we did the same.
“Yes, please,” I said taking of my shoes “I can’t stand any longer,” Patrick put his hands under my legs to carry me.
“Your wishes are my commands,” he said and I laughed.
“I didn’t wish for you to carry me,” I said as the three of us left the hotel and went to wait for the valet to bring our cars.
“I’ll see you guys next week,” said Brian getting in his cars and we both waved at
him.
“In you go,” said Patrick putting me inside the limo and then he got in “everything went perfectly,” he said as the limo began moving and he grabbed one of my feet and began massaging it. I was sure I had rolled my eyes because it felt good.
“I’m starving, though,” I said smiling and Patrick smiled back.
“We can eat at home,” he said and I nodded. When we got to the apartment he carried me inside and all through the elevator ride. I couldn’t help but giggle. I wasn’t drunk or maybe I was drunk on satisfaction, pride and happiness.
“Home,” said Patrick once we got to the bedroom and threw me on the bed “Aaahhh, this is what I was talking about,” I said cuddling in the bed. I was so damn tired.
“No, no, don’t even try to go to sleep,” said Patrick jumping on the bed and rolling on top of me. I smiled at him and put my arms around his neck
“I’m proud of you,” I said getting really serious.
“I’m proud of us,” he said and kissed me. “But before we get to the good part,” he said rolling over again and getting something from somewhere next to the bed. “This is for you,” he said giving me an envelope. I looked at him and he just stared back.
“What is it?” I said hesitant to open the envelope.
“It’s a gift for us,” he said and the "us" part made me feel a little better. I opened the envelope and I felt my eyes widened, my heart racing and I had to get out of the bed.
“What is this, Patrick?” I asked trying to read what I had in front of me.
“I paid off your mortgage,” he said getting off the bed and walking towards me.
“But why did you do that?” I looked up from the paper in my hands to him.
“I want you to live with me,” he said shrugging.
“I already live with you,” I said taking a couple of steps back before he could get to me and hug me.
“I want you to either sell your house or rent it and move in with me. I want to turn the pool house into an office for you and I want you to live in my house with me for the rest of our lives. I want you in my bed every night and I want what we had today for a little while this afternoon. I want a routine, I want to know that I don’t have to come up with reasons for you to stay over at my place,” he finally walked over and kissed me passionately. I kissed him back because I couldn’t do any other thing. I had no idea what to say, I had felt that very same thing he felt when we were getting ready for the party in the afternoon but I didn’t know if I was ready to take such a huge step.
“I can’t,” I finally said breaking off the kiss and running to the other side of the room and began running my hands through my hair.
“You can’t or you won’t Lucinda,” I heard a tone in Patrick’s voice that I had never heard before. I just shook my head.
“I can’t, Patrick, please,” I said still not turning to look at him.
“Lucinda, I want you with me,” he begged and I finally looked at him “I am with you,” I said with tears in my eyes.
“I want all of you,” he said not moving from where he was.
“You have all of me,” I didn’t want to get into a fight.
“I don’t, Lucinda. I want to be able to tell you how I feel,” he finally walked over me while taking of his jacket and bow tie and throwing them to the bed.
“Patrick, please,” I pleaded him. I didn’t want to hear whatever he wanted to say.
“No, Lucinda, not anymore,” he kept on walking until he had his hands in my waist. “I need to let all this feelings out.”
“Patrick, No,” I finally screamed and got out of his arms.
“Oh, I’m sorry, Lucinda. What is it that you want?” he finally raised his voice. I was shocked “Do you want to keep on living like this?” he was running his hands through his head and looking at everything but at me. When he finally looked at me I could see the desperation on his eyes “we are in a relationship where we have all the feelings we should be feeling but we are not talking about it,” he finally said still raising his voice “we are feeling everything Lucinda. I can see it in your eyes; I can see it in everything we do. I can feel it in the way you kiss me. We are feeling everything but you are just too scared to admit anything,” he came closer once again and I kept on stepping back until my back bumped against the wall.
“I love you, Lucinda.”
“No,” I screamed and put my hand on his mouth to stop him from saying anything else. To stop him from saying those 3 words that would ruin everything. Those 3 words that would do things to my soul that wouldn’t be able to be undone. “No, Patrick, please,” I cried. I cried tears of joy or tears of sadness. I had no idea.
“I love you, Lucinda,” he repeated and I couldn’t help it anymore, I had listened to them and I knew that we were over. I was so scared of those 3 words. I wanted to grab them and throw them away. They made us vulnerable and that only meant that we were exposed to damages and ups and downs that we might never ever be able to overcome because we were vulnerable.
“I know you love me too, Lucinda,” he said wrapping his arms around me while I cried.
“I can’t Patrick,” I said and as I soon as I said so Patrick took a step back.
“This is what I can give, Lucinda! I had been patient I can’t keep on waiting for you to realize that we are perfect together, for you to want to start to live our life together with your eyes wide open,” he was screaming by this point “I can’t give you anything else but this,”
“I need a break,” I said sliding against the wall to the floor and putting my hands in my face while I cried like a baby.
“Yeah, me too,” he said grabbing his jacket from the bed and walked out of the room.
I cried for a long time. I have no idea how long it was but once I was done I began packing my suitcase with whatever fit in it. I had no idea what I was going to do but I knew I needed to be on my own to think whatever it was what Patrick had said. I was checking the tiny inside bags of my suitcase when I found the other white envelope Patrick had given me. The vacations he had given me on my birthday; I had put the envelope on my suitcase for when I wanted to use it. I immediately began crying as I hugged the envelope. Damn Patrick had to go and ruin everything by making a love declaration! I hated him (no, I didn’t. I could almost hear him say it).
I knew I should’ve said something. I knew it but I was so scared, so hurt, so desperate that I just grabbed my shit and ran out of Patrick’s apartment and now I was in a plane to the other side of the pond all by myself and I couldn’t let anyone know what I was doing! Maybe it was better that way. Maybe I could use the time to think. I wasn’t that irresponsible, though. I left a letter for Patrick saying I was leaving for a few days but not saying where and I had sent a long e-mail to Harriet letting her know that she had to take over the assistant activities for a while writing down every single thing that she needed to know.
I drank like three glasses of champagne before finally semi-relaxing on my seat. Once the alcohol kicked in I cried. I was scared, scared of whatever Patrick was feeling, scared of whatever I was feeling and scared of having potentially ruined all that we had or NOT had. Eventually I fell asleep and I was woken up by the stewardess when we had reached our destination. I knew I looked like crap but I didn’t care anymore. There I was wearing my cocktail dress and wandering through the airport in Rome looking for a damn cab that would take me to the hotel that I had booked while sited in an airport bench. The moment I got to the hotel, which was expensive as fucking hell, I got in bed and fell asleep again. I didn’t want the world to know a thing about me and I didn’t want to know a thing about the world.
It wasn’t until the next day when I was having some kind of coffee in some kind of coffee shop somewhere in Rome that I looked at my phone. I had so many lost calls. I had 15 missed calls from Nick, 19 from Stacy, 10 from Brian, a couple from Regina, 20 (20!!!) from Patrick and one from my mom. Out of all of them the one that I decided to return was the one from my mother.
“Lucy,” I heard my mother’s voice filled with worry “Where are you?” she asked as soon as she picked up.
“Italy,” I said wiping a tear or two.
“Lucy, everyone is looking for you,” she said a bit calmed.
“I know, mom,” I cried harder.
“What happened?” she asked and there was something in her voice that made me want to let her know everything.
“He loves me, mom,” I said and she didn’t say anything back “he loves me and I am scared,” “I know you are, Lucy and it’s all our fault,” I was shocked to hear that from her.
“No, mom, it’s my fault,” I said wiping my nose.
“No, Lucy, we never let you know that we love you. You are scared of knowing that you can be loved. You have no idea what to do with that,” It was like she had opened a faucet because the tears wouldn’t stop coming out.
“What should I do?” I said in between hiccups.
“You follow whatever you are feeling,” she said.
“What if it doesn’t work?”
“Lucy, baby, If whatever Patrick said to me back when we met him is true, and I have a strong feeling that it’s, I’m sure that won’t happen,” I didn’t want to ask her what was that he said to her because I didn’t want to feel any more than I was already feeling.
“I need time to think, mom,” I said.
“Take the time that you need to think but, Lucy, take the time to feel. That’s where your answer is,” she said and I nodded being unable to answer.
“Go, baby, think and then go back to him,” she said and I cried harder, again “ok, mom,” I said and then I hung up.
What the fuck was I going to do with all this new feelings I was having? Fuck you, Patrick. Fuck you for giving everything and not teaching me how to handle it all.
I made sure to let Stacy know I was fine and asked her to tell everyone that. I spent the next two days walking around Rome doing nothing but cry and ignoring the constant phone calls from Patrick. Every time his name popped up on the screen my heart flipped three times and settled for more ache. I wanted to scream in the middle of whatever piazza I was at. I wanted to scream and let all the pain I was feeling out of my system. Whenever I wasn’t walking around and crying, I was at some coffee shop crying or in my room crying. The people at the hotel restaurant and at the coffee shops already knew me. They knew the crying girl that didn’t understand Italian and said yes to every suggestion they made.
Unstuck Page 35
