“Well, glad I could help.” His words were laced with sarcasm, and he sighed. “Sorry I went about it in such a shitty way, but I guess you’ve finally all figured out that was my plan all along. You know, screwing around with Jessa when we were teenagers and OD’ing. It was all just part of my master plan to make the band stronger.”
I grinned. “Wow. Who knew?” I pressed in and kissed him, and just then, a ripple of nausea arose.
I pulled back and Seth frowned. His arms tightened around me. “There’s something else.”
“Yeah. It’s just…” I did not know how to say it, so I went all roundabout and said, “It seems that Jessa and Brody’s little one… is gonna have a little partner-in-crime, to wreak havoc with backstage.” I put my hands on my stomach automatically; protectively, maybe.
Seth looked down, watching my hands smooth over my stomach.
When his eyes met mine again, they were wide and dark. “You’re… pregnant.”
I couldn’t tell if it was a question or not, or if he was in shock, or what. I’d never seen his eyes look like that.
“Yes,” I said, forcing it out. “I mean, I’m pretty fucking sure. My period’s over a week late, and I took a few pregnancy tests.”
His eyebrow rose slightly. “A few?”
“Yeah. Like… five.” This morning, I’d peed on the rest of the sticks, every test I’d brought home the other day. And they all said the same thing.
Seth’s eyes widened even more. He nodded slowly, like he was processing all of this—with difficulty. “Five,” he repeated.
“I’ll see my doctor tomorrow,” I explained. “I have an appointment.” My hands were spread on my flat stomach. I hadn’t started to show yet. The baby was about the size of a sesame seed right now; I’d already looked it up. But it was my baby. I already felt fiercely protective of it… of him or her. “And I’m keeping it,” I forced out, “so please don’t even ask. And yes, it’s definitely yours, so don’t ask that, either.”
Seth shook his head, slowly. “I wasn’t going to ask.”
“I just want you to know,” I pressed on, “that this is happening. No matter what happens with the band.” No matter what happens with you, I meant to say, but I didn’t.
I wanted to tell him that I didn’t want, or need, anything from him. I had money. Resources. Technically, I didn’t need a partner in order to raise this child.
But that wasn’t exactly true. I needed him. And I wanted a lot from him. Things I was scared to ask for.
Scared, because after seeing him with Jessa, her hand on his arm when they walked into the church… I realized he’d never actually told me how he felt about her now.
I took a breath, and I found the courage, somehow, to ask. “Do you still love Jessa?”
His mouth opened a bit, those full, beautiful lips of his parting, and he drew a ragged breath. “Elle,” he said, shifting closer to me, so his hips pressed to mine. He seemed to be searching for the right words to express whatever was going on in his head, behind his eyes. “I don’t remember her.”
I frowned, deeply. “What do you mean?”
“I mean… I know I told you a lot about what happened back then. What I remember of it. But when I think back… other than writing the songs, I can’t remember what Jessa and I used to talk about when we were alone. I used to think about that, a lot, when I was in rehab. I tried to remember, but it was like… there was nothing there. Just these strange, silent memories, like pictures, frozen. Her smile, or her face crumpled up when she was mad at me. But there was no sound in those memories other than the music. No words between us other than the ones in the songs. We had the songs and we had the drugs. I know there were some arguments. I know she wanted me to give up the drugs. And I tried so hard to remember exactly what it was I loved about her. I knew I did, at some point. I must have. But I could not tell you why.”
Jesus.
That was so… sad. Maybe I should’ve felt relieved that he couldn’t remember what he’d loved about her, but I didn’t.
Despite all the pain I’d felt after the breakup with Jesse, if someone told me I’d forget everything about our relationship except the music we’d made together and the pain of the breakup… that would’ve been so much worse.
At least I had the memories of the good times we’d had.
“Maybe you don’t need a reason why you love someone,” I offered.
“Yes, you do.”
“Why do you love me?” Even as the words left my mouth, I was afraid to ask. Seth hadn’t told me he loved me yet.
I just knew that he did.
“Because,” he said, sliding his hands up to cup my face, “when I’m with you, I feel like myself. And somehow, when you look at me, I know that man is enough.”
I slipped my arms around his waist and held him tight against me. “That’s because I love you, Seth.”
Tears sparked in his gray-green eyes. “Why?”
“Because… when I’m with you… I feel like everything’s going to be okay. Even when it’s not.”
“I don’t know how I made you feel that way,” he said. “I never felt that myself, until right now.”
“Now?”
“Yeah,” he said, brushing his lips over mine. “Right now.”
Then he ran one hand down, over my heart and straight to my belly, where he pressed it, gently. I felt his warmth soak into me, deep inside, and it flooded me with relief.
I could feel what he was going to say, before he even said it.
“I’m here, Elle,” he murmured against my skin. “Right here. You need to know that… No matter what happens with Dirty.”
Chapter Thirty-One
Elle
It took a few days. Four, actually. It felt painfully long, for me, but we finally got the details worked out.
Seth was going to be offered a new contract with Dirty.
And Brody was going to be the one to offer him that contract.
Brody had it written up by the lawyers, to our specifications. And on Thursday afternoon, he invited Seth over to his house to take a look at it.
It wasn’t the first meeting they’d had. Seth had already met with Brody once, in person, and spoken with him a few times over the phone since the meeting at the church. But I went with him to Brody’s place, needing to make sure things went smoothly.
Maggie was there when we arrived. Brody was on a phone call, and I let Maggie entertain Seth while I went looking for Jessa.
I found her on the backyard patio, cutting flowers from one of the big planters she’d had installed. Brody’s place had definitely gained a lot of flowers and various other beautiful things this year. Including, of course, Jessa herself.
She turned when she heard me, sunlight streaming through her brown hair, the sun-kissed highlights gleaming. She looked… radiant.
We used to meet up for drinks in L.A. on a fairly regular basis, at least a few times a year. This year, I hadn’t seen her as much. I’d been busy. She’d had a somewhat rough pregnancy and had been sticking close to home. It felt like it had been ages since I’d been alone with her. It also felt like we’d both been through a lot.
We’d both changed.
Her, maybe, in more obvious ways. Jessa was a bikini model before she got pregnant, and she looked like one. Now, she looked like a bikini model with bigger boobs, a bigger butt, and an enormous baby belly.
“Wow—look at that baby!” I exclaimed. “I think it’s doubled every time I see it.” Seriously; she looked bigger than she had at the church, only four days ago. I reached toward her as she smiled. “May I…?” I asked, because personally I thought it was fucking weird when people put their hands on a woman’s baby belly without asking first.
“Of course.” Jessa took hold of my hands and pressed them on the left side of her belly. “He’s kicking right now.” I met her eyes as I felt the little thudding kicks; I actually felt her belly poke out into my hand where the baby’s feet were jabbing at her. “He must
like your voice.”
“He? You’re having a—”
“I don’t know. I don’t want to know.” She shrugged. “Brody wants to know, but I want to wait and find out when the baby pops into the world. Maybe it’s silly. It just seems more romantic to me.”
“It’s not silly. But isn’t it killing you not knowing?”
“Kind of. It’s killing Brody more, though. He’s managed to cope by deciding we’re having a boy.”
“Why a boy?”
“Because if we have a girl,” Brody said, strolling out onto the patio, “she’ll look like you.” He pulled Jessa into his arms. “And every little shit in the neighborhood is gonna start following her home when she’s fucking twelve, and I’m gonna have to start collecting guns.” He kissed her, thoroughly, on the mouth, and she sighed a little, swooning in his arms.
I looked away. Clearly, pregnancy hadn’t put a damper on their insatiable desire for one another.
When Brody finally released her, he told me, “Come on into the office, when you’re ready.”
I nodded, and he disappeared back into the house. I didn’t want to leave Seth in there too long without me, but on the other hand, if Seth was joining Dirty, he needed to be able to be in a room with Brody without my supervision.
“They’ll be fine,” Jessa said, all sympathy. She must’ve been reading my mind. “Men just have a different way of dealing with their grudges. You know… women are more psychological about it. We can hold a silent grudge for years and have this emotional warfare going on. Guys… they take out their grudges with their fists. And if Brody doesn’t like someone, he’ll say it right out. But over the years, with everything that happened, I never heard him actually say he doesn’t like Seth.” She shrugged. “It gives me hope.” She lowered her voice and added, “I think, actually, that’s why he took it all so hard. Because he did like Seth. But that’s the part he won’t come right out and tell you.”
“Yeah,” I agreed. “That sounds about right to me.” Though I wasn’t sure if I agreed with her about those differences between men and women. I definitely didn’t have a problem speaking my mind when I was pissed at someone. “Jessa… I hope I wasn’t too harsh on you. You know, at the church.”
“You weren’t,” she said.
“I just wanted everyone to finally see what I see, in Seth…”
I faded off because she was gazing at me, speculatively and kinda dreamily, with her big brown eyes. They were so like Jesse’s, it was unnerving sometimes.
“What?”
“You’re so in love with him,” she said.
I shrugged, a little uncomfortably. “Well… yeah.”
A beautiful smile blazed across Jessa’s face. “Oh my goodness, Elle.”
“Yeah.”
She hugged me, gently, her giant belly nudging mine, and I took a breath. This was my future. I could feel it in my arms.
This was what was about to happen to my body.
I’d seen my doctor three days ago, and she’d confirmed that I was, indeed, pregnant.
Which meant that in about seven months from now, I’d be this big. And in seven months, I was supposed to be deep in a world tour.
When I walked into Brody’s office, Seth shot up off the couch and offered his spot to me, moving over. I took the seat, and gave him a silent look. Seth was the kind of man who’d vacate a seat for a woman anyway, but now that he knew I was pregnant, the speed and eagerness with which he was opening doors for me and carrying my shit was getting a little too obvious.
He’d even asked me, the other day, if my guitar was too heavy for me, and if maybe I should sit down to play.
Right… Because I was gonna sit down to rock out on an electric bass at a concert. I’d almost cried laughing at that mental image, but Seth had been deeply serious.
At least I knew he wanted this baby.
It made me wonder when, and how, we were gonna tell everyone about the pregnancy. Or if they were gonna figure it out on their own. Maybe that would be easier? Maybe I could just wait until I started to show…?
How long could I hide a baby bump behind a guitar? Maybe if I strapped it on a little higher….
“… so Maggie’s filled you in, about the offer?” Brody was talking when I tuned into the conversation. His tone was all-business as he reclined in the chair behind his desk. His eyes were tight and guarded as he looked at Seth, but at least he was talking to him about something other than the past.
Baby steps.
“We haven’t gotten there yet,” Seth said.
“I’ve emailed Dirty’s offer to you,” Maggie informed Seth. She was sitting on the edge of Brody’s desk. “And I have it here, in hard copy.”
“You don’t need to sign the contract today,” Brody said. “Take a day or two. Look it over.”
Seth reached to take the paperwork Maggie offered to him. “Thanks.” As he settled back beside me on the couch, he said, “You all know I’m glad to be here. And I’ll consider the offer seriously. But…” He glanced at me. “I feel the need to let you all know, up front, that I’m gonna be a dad.”
Oh, God.
“So…” he went on, “if the contract isn’t fair, it’s not gonna work for me.”
So, apparently… we were telling them now.
Sparks fired in my stomach; morning sickness combined with total fucking nerves. I bit my lip, hard.
Brody just stared at Seth. Then he blinked, and turned his deep blue eyes on me.
Maggie recovered first. “The… uh… contract is incredibly fair, Seth.” She shot Brody a look. “I made sure of it.”
“You guys…” Brody managed, looking from me to Seth and back. He stopped, then tried again. “You’re… having a baby?”
“Yes,” I said. “We are.” Then I reached over and took Seth’s hand in mine.
Brody looked down at our hands, tightly intertwined… and his shoulders dropped a bit. I could see it, clearly, in his eyes: the exact moment that it really sank in for him—that Seth and I were really a couple.
That we were in this, together… for the long haul.
“Well… congratulations!” Maggie put on a cautious smile. She stepped up to give me a hug. I let go of Seth’s hand and stood to meet her. She took me by the shoulders and peered up into my eyes, concern etched on her face… like she was checking to make sure this was a “congratulations” situation.
“Thank you,” I said, nodding to reassure her, and she hugged me.
“Oh my God,” she whispered into my hair. “Are you okay?”
“I’m good,” I told her, as we drew apart.
“If you need anything…”
“Believe me, I’ll let you know.” I would. God knew I was gonna need a lot of things. Like help figuring out how the hell to juggle my new life as a rock star mommy.
As Maggie turned to Seth to hug him, too, I looked at Brody. He was standing now; he’d come out from behind his desk and he was watching me.
“I’m sorry,” I said, suddenly feeling the need to apologize for getting myself—and therefore, all the rest of us—into this. “I know there’s a tour. And I know I’m gonna be pregnant and having a baby in the middle of it. I know it’s gonna fuck everything up—”
“We’ll work it out,” Brody said, firmly.
“Definitely,” Maggie agreed. “Don’t even worry about that, Elle.”
“I am worried.”
“Why?” Brody crossed his arms over his chest. “I mean, it was so fucking easy finding a new guitarist… should be no problem at all finding a fill-in for you for a while.”
“Oh, fuck,” I groaned.
Brody smiled a little. “I’m kidding, Elle.” Then he got serious again, his eyebrows furling with concern. “The last thing you need to be worrying about right now is the tour. Just take care of yourself. Don’t stress about this.”
I nodded and took another deep breath, as I struggled to rapidly accept the new order of priorities in my life.
Brody to
ok a step toward me. He glanced at Seth, but then his blue eyes landed on me again, and they warmed. He looked… well, he looked like a concerned dad. And it hit me—that he was going to be one, soon.
And maybe he really was coming around.
Maybe Jessa, or his all-consuming love for her, had made him come around. Maybe it was just that he was living with an extremely pregnant woman and he knew what we were both in for. But he pulled me into a hug.
“You’re gonna be a mom,” he murmured in my ear, his voice a little ragged with emotion.
“Oh, God…”
He squeezed me tight, and I sank against his shoulder, his solid comfort. “You’re not alone, Elle,” Brody murmured.
And I knew, I really wasn’t.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Seth
“Come on, Seth,” Elle begged. “Fuck me.”
I was fucking her. Sort of.
We were in the back of a limo, and I was on top of her, bracing myself so I wouldn’t crush her.
There was a party tonight, a staged party, for the documentary series. Dirty was going to play for a packed house of VIP guests, at the bar where they’d held their Vancouver auditions—the new Dirty, with me included in the lineup. It was the first time the news that I was back in the band would be announced, on-camera.
And no doubt the staged party would roll right into a real party afterward.
Maggie had sent the limo to Elle’s place to collect us. We were parked outside the bar, in the packed lot, which was barricaded off from the media and fans who’d flooded the sidewalks beyond. We’d been making out pretty much the whole drive here, and as soon as we’d parked, Elle had wasted no time telling both the limo driver and Flynn to vacate—and tearing my jeans open.
Dirty Like Seth: A Dirty Rockstar Romance (Dirty, Book 3) Page 29
