Love & Loss (The Austin Series)

by C. J. Fallowfield

  ‘Are you serious? You just want to cuddle? What about sex?’

  ‘I can have sex later, right now I want you to have a sleep. You’re really tense and on edge today, I want you to relax and be in a happy mood for later. It’s our anniversary and I don’t want you to still be grumpy. Please do it Gabe, cuddling can be just as intimate as sex. Do it to please me.’ I lifted his hand and kissed his fingers as I fluttered my eyelids at him.

  ‘You think I’m grumpy?’ He looked at me surprised.

  ‘Well you’ve been in better moods. You said to name it, this is what I want. Don’t you want to please me?’ I asked, turning the question he often asked me around on him.

  ‘All the time baby,’ he sighed knowing he couldn’t win this one.

  ‘Get under the covers then,’ I ordered and he did as he was told.

  ‘I told you that you’ve got me wrapped around your little finger,’ he said softly, reminding me of our two month anniversary where he’d been so pissed off at me taking him on a surprise date and paying. I tucked in behind him, pressing my chest and hips against his smooth back and bottom and curled my knees up into his before sliding a hand under his arm to hold him around the chest. I kissed the back of his neck and shoulder and felt him kiss my forearm.

  ‘Now sleep baby, I’ll wake you up when it’s time to get ready. I love you Gabe.’

  ‘I love you too Mia,’ he sighed. I stayed holding him, listening to his breathing slow as I kept laying gentle kisses on him and snuggled up even closer and smiled as I felt him drift off and followed him soon after.

  I was still holding him as the alarm went off and went to move my hand to turn it off and he grabbed it.

  ‘Don’t go,’ he sighed. ‘This is nice. Can we lie here a bit longer?’

  ‘Sure, let me turn it off though.’ I reached behind and silenced the ringing and moved back kissed his neck and put my fingers into his hair and gently massaged his scalp and he let out a contented little sigh. I smiled happily, he felt more relaxed, he was always so busy looking after me, this was nice. I wondered if any woman had ever held him and made him feel safe, loved and secure since his Mum died and figured probably no one had, which made me clutch him even tighter and kiss his shoulder again. ‘You’re my favourite boyfriend ever Gabriel Austin. I love you and I love taking care of you. Let me do it more often,’ I whispered.

  ‘If it makes me sleep that well I will. Thank you,’ he replied lifting my hand and kissing it.

  ‘Do you want to talk about it?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘About what had you tense in the first place?’

  ‘Nothing,’ he shrugged and wriggled out of my arms and headed to the bathroom. I mentally kicked myself, I’d just chilled him out and then gone and ruined it by prodding him too quickly. I couldn’t think of anything I’d done to upset him and I wondered if it was still over meeting Sofia. He strode out of the bathroom, still naked and semi erect and I propped myself up in bed to look at him, trying to gauge his mood. ‘Bathroom’s all yours. I’ll grab my clothes and get out of your way. See you in the lounge at ten to eight?’

  ‘Ok.’

  ‘Do you want a drink? Dad has a stocked cabinet.’

  ‘I’d love a glass of white wine if he has something that’s not too expensive?’ I asked. Gabe just laughed and shook his head.

  ‘Everything he has is expensive Mia, but he won’t mind. I’ll put it on the bedside table for you.’ He stood watching as I peeled the duvet back and stood up, still dressed in my red underwear and I watched as his eyes darkened. I tiptoed over to him and cupped him in my palm and nuzzled in his ear.

  ‘I’m looking forward to some anniversary playing later. I can still remember our first time up against the wall, it was very hot.’ I heard a low groan escape his throat and felt him stiffen in my hand before he swung me around, pinning me to this bedroom wall with my hands above my head as he put his forehead on mine and pierced me with his eyes.

  ‘Exceptionally hot and I’ll make it even hotter later. We won’t be making love this time, but neither will there be any toys, or games. It’ll just be straight up fucking baby.’

  ‘O God,’ I groaned, closing my eyes and he leaned in and kissed me making my skin tingle.

  ‘Go and get ready,’ he ordered, releasing my hands and slapping my bottom. ‘I want that body in something sexy that I can slowly take off.’

  I walked slightly unsteadily to the bathroom and blew him a kiss as I closed the door. I emerged forty minutes later with freshly painted sparkling black nails, tumbling tresses and a hint of highlighter on my cheekbones and cupids bow with just mascara and a very thin line of black eyeliner. I knew he preferred me to have less make up on. I sipped some wine before I slipped into my black and red Basque, back to front so I could do it up, then nearly had an asthma attack as I struggled to twist and pull it around with the laces at the back. I put on my suspender belt, lace stockings and crotchless knickers. I had a black bandeau dress, cut just above the knee with a panel of white lace around the midsection and a black ribbon belt and topped it with my lace heels and bag and some silver jewellery. I headed out into the lounge a few minutes early with his gift and there was no sign of him.

  ‘Gabe?’ I called, my voice echoing in the open plan space. I hopped up onto a bar stool at the breakfast bar and drained the rest of my wine wondering where he was and looked up surprised as I heard the elevator ping. The doors opened slowly and I groaned as they revealed him standing there looking all man in his tux, all sexy man. I slid off the stool and walked to meet him and saw him shuffling nervously on his feet. What was wrong with him?

  ‘Hello gorgeous,’ I smiled as I kissed him.

  ‘Hello, you look really pretty tonight. You look amazing with your eyes done, but I prefer you like this, more natural.’

  ‘Thank you, I toned it down for you especially. Would you like your gift now or when we get back?’ I asked holding it out for him.

  ‘I have a gift?’

  ‘Of course you do.’

  ‘I’ll take it with me thank you,’ he smiled as he leaned over and kissed me. ‘Let’s go.’

  I watched him press the a button labelled PR and was surprised to feel the lift going up and looked over at him, but in an instant the lift doors opened and I found myself looking out onto a big decked roof terrace with the same stunning views as downstairs. The box hedges along the sides were filled with sparkling fairy lights and all around the decking was scattered coloured glass jars with flickering fairy lights, reflected in the glass balustrade at the front. In the middle were two chairs and a table, decked out in white linen and silverware with more candles and two large patio heaters behind each chair.

  ‘Gabe this is stunning, it’s so pretty,’ I exclaimed as I stepped out and walked up the decking steps towards the table.

  ‘I hoped you’d like it,’ he said smiling nervously.

  ‘I love it.’ I jumped as a man appeared from nowhere dressed in a waiters uniform and sat me down at the table in front of a large silver dome. I looked over at Gabe who had sat in front of his and watched the waiter pop a bottle of champagne, Bollinger Rose, my favourite, our favourite, and he filled our glasses.

  ‘Call when you are ready for me to clear the main course Mr Austin.’

  ‘Thank you,’ Gabe replied as the waiter disappeared into the lift.

  ‘Gabe this is … this is so special, thank you,’ I whispered as my eyes filled up.

  ‘Happy Anniversary baby,’ he toasted and I clinked back, blinking back the tears.

  ‘Happy Anniversary Gabe. You’ve spent too much. Again,’ I moaned. He just laughed, leaned over and removed my silver dome and I looked down, then back at him and started laughing as well. I had a large pizza, covered in mushrooms, rocket and blue cheese, another favourite.

  ‘I’ve hardly spent anything Mia. The view’s free and the butler services the top few floors of the building, plus you love one of the cheapest foods in the world and the deliver
y charge was hardly anything. Tuck in before it goes cold,’ he ordered with a nod to my plate. I laughed again and picked up a slice with my fingers, touched that he’d decided I’d rather have pizza than another gourmet meal and wasn’t surprised to see he’d got the same pizza as me. I ate as I looked around in awe, drinking in the view. I never wanted to forget this. ‘You’re not disappointed we’re not eating out?’

  ‘No Gabe, this is the best surprise ever. You’re not enjoying your pizza?’ I noticed he’d only eaten three of the eight slices and I was on my sixth.

  ‘Yes it’s really good, I’m just not feeling very hungry,’ he shrugged. I was sure it wasn’t my imagination that he shifted uncomfortably in his chair. I decided to leave him be until we were back inside, but I wasn’t happy that he seemed so distracted again. As I finished my pizza he made a call and within minutes the butler returned and cleared our plates and returned with more silver domes and topped up our champagne glasses.

  ‘I’m sorry to ask, but would you mind taking a picture of us?’ I asked holding out my iPhone.

  ‘Of course madam.’ We had one with us leaning over the table holding hands and I checked it, pleased that the view in the background was showing and he left us alone.

  ‘So what extravagant pudding have you served up for me?’ I giggled as Gabe moved to remove the dome revealing a small tub of Vermonster Ben & Jerrys alongside a big slice of cheesecake. ‘Another favourite I hope,’ he smiled.

  ‘Most definitely. You have an excellent memory when it comes to my favourite things Gabe. O my God this cheesecake is fantastic.’

  ‘It’s supposed to be one of the best, I had it delivered from S&S cheesecakes. This is the plain New York style.’

  ‘There’s nothing plain about this,’ I mumbled through my rather large mouthful.

  ‘There’s a load left in the fridge.’

  I looked up as I finished to see him smiling to see me looking so happy. I’d finished mine and he’d barely touched his. I frowned and bit my lip, determined not to bug him for now. The butler reappeared and took our plates away, poured the remainder of the champagne and left us with a hot chocolate for me and a pot of tea for Gabe and truffles, Sicilian Lemon Mousse.

  ‘Gabe, thank you so much for this it’s been magical,’ I sighed as I bit into one. I jumped as he suddenly stood up, his chair scraping on the decking. I looked up at him and he looked really pale and clammy. ‘Gabe are you ok?’ I exclaimed, then gasped, as he walked around and dropped to one knee in front of me. My heart moved into my mouth and I held my breath, praying he wasn’t about to do what I thought he was about to do, as he grabbed my left hand.

  ‘Mia Page, I’m so in love with you,’ he said with a shaking voice and trembling hands. ‘You fill my waking thoughts and invade my sleeping ones and I never want to be without you again. I know it’s too soon and that I may scare you off, but I can’t not ask you any longer. I want you to agree to marry me, to be my wife. I want to know that I’ve got the rest of my life to spend loving and protecting you baby. I want you to be mine, completely.’ He said it with such sincerity and depth of feeling and I realised I was still holding my breath as I felt him slip a ring onto my finger. I didn’t look at it, but could feel that it fitted me perfectly, I just kept looking into his terrified eyes trying to process what had just happened, sure he was seeing as much terror in mine. Had he really just proposed to me? After twelve weeks? Was he crazy? There again this was the guy that told me he loved me after a couple of days. ‘Baby please breathe, you’re turning red,’ he whispered after an eternity.

  I gulped in some air and looked down at my hand, which he was still holding onto tightly. I gasped again when I saw the stunning large diamond on my finger. It was the most beautiful ring I’d ever seen, with a very thin band of white gold or platinum and a huge rub over square diamond that glittered in the candle light. He knew me so well, I couldn’t have chosen a more perfect ring myself, if I’d wanted to get engaged that was. I felt my eyes fill up, how was I going to say no? How did I tell him that it was too soon, that I was scared?

  ‘Mia please say something, you’re killing me here,’ he sighed. I looked back at him, desperately trying to think of a way to let him down without hurting him and felt tears spilling over and rolling down my cheeks. ‘What are you thinking? Please Mia, say something,’ he pleaded as he reached up to wipe away my tears.

  ‘I love you Gabe, I’m so in love with you, but … but I can’t. You know I can’t, I told you this from the start. I told you on Sunday that I needed time to deal with my fears,’ I whispered with dread in my heart. He sighed heavily and I could see the confusion and hurt written all over his face.

  ‘Why Mia? What’s so wrong with us being engaged? We love each other, I don’t want anyone else, we’re about to move in together baby, it’s as good as being married,’ he mumbled and I could hear the pain in his voice, which hurt me. I put my free hand on his head and gently stroked his hair.

  ‘Gabe I love you so much, but marriage? You know how I feel about it, it doesn’t mean to me what it does to you. I promised you that I’d work on those issues, but I’ve hardly begun, I need more time. Please give me more time, don’t break up with me over this, please,’ I pleaded as my hands and body began to tremble. I heard him gasp and he looked at me horrified.

  ‘Baby I’d never break up with you, I knew that there was a risk of you saying no, but it won’t stop me loving you. I just really hoped you’d want this as much as me.’

  ‘I’m not saying never Gabe, I’m saying not yet.’

  ‘So say yes, wear the ring and we can set a date when you’re ready. It can be months off, years off even if that’s what you want,’ he pleaded. I shook my head and pulled my hand away to wipe my cheek, the feel of the ring on my finger feeling like a millstone around my neck.

  ‘Gabe this is so important to you, I don’t want to do it like this, to feel pressured. I want to be in a position where you can ask me one day and I’ll say yes because it’s what I want too. I don’t want to be engaged like this, it’s not fair to you. I want to say yes and really mean it. Please.’ I felt like such a shit as I saw a tear roll down his face, I hated myself right now. This is why he’d been off all day, he’d been nervous about asking me, probably knowing what my reaction would be. It was like he’d laid his heart on the rail track and I’d just steamed over it and pulped it. I covered my eyes quickly.

  ‘You mean that?’ he whispered. ‘You want to be able to say yes?’ I nodded and peaked at him through my fingers, surprised to see a faint smile on his face. He grabbed my hands and pulled them down onto my lap, he was still down on one knee at my side and I was thankful that I hadn’t put on much eye makeup.

  ‘How can you smile? I hate myself,’ I sighed.

  ‘Mia I’d never know when the right time would be to ask you this and I’m old fashioned, I don’t want my girl to be the one who asks me to marry her. I can wait, now I know that you want to be able to say yes, I’ll wait as long as it takes.’

  ‘You will? Really? I just feel so awful, you’ve set up the perfect evening, you look so … magnificent and what you said was …’ I stopped and took a few deep breaths. ‘And this ring is …’ I exhaled feeling my lips and cheeks wobbling as I fought the tears back.

  ‘You like it?’ he asked nervously. I pulled my hands away and clasped his face and kissed him.

  ‘Gabe I love it, it’s the most beautiful ring I’ve ever seen and I really want to be able to wear it one day. I’d be so proud to wear it for you, just not yet.’

  ‘Ok,’ he nodded. ‘Then let’s compromise baby. Keep the ring and when you’re ready you give it back to me and I’ll know. When you give it to me it’s a green light for me to propose to you again knowing you’ll say yes.’

  ‘You’d be happy us doing that?’

  ‘Yes, I can’t keep on asking you Mia, never knowing if you’ll say yes or no. I’ve been going out of my mind all day wondering if you’d run from me because it was
too soon. I can’t keep doing that, it’ll crush me if you keep saying no. Keep the ring and when you give it to me that’s it, no arguing, no stalling. You give it to me and we’re getting married.’

  ‘Ok,’ I nodded, I could do that. He was right, how many times could he keep proposing to have me knock him back before he got pissed off and left me. This was a compromise I could live with. ‘Ok I’ll keep it, but I can’t wear it as an engagement ring and I don’t want to wear it on my other hand. I hope that one day I can wear it for the reason you purchased it for.’

  ‘Do you have a safe at home to keep it in? It wasn’t cheap,’ he said with an unapologetic shrug making me laugh.

  ‘Nothing you ever do is cheap Gabe.’ I bit my lip trying to decide what to do and then it hit me. ‘Can I wear it on my necklace, around my neck.’

  ‘On your necklace,’ he frowned.

  ‘Yes, that way it’s close to my heart and a piece of you is with me every day to remind me how much you love me and what I mean to you.’

  ‘You mean the world to me Mia.’

  ‘I know that Gabe. Would that be ok?’

  ‘On one condition.’

  ‘Name it,’ I said without hesitation. He deserved me to do something to please him after what I’d just put him through.

  ‘Wear it here, until we get on the plane. Just for me, to show me that you’re serious about wanting to get to that place,’ he said firmly as he looked up at me. I was totally taken aback, I hadn’t expected that, he was going all out with shocking me tonight. I ran it through in my mind, would it really hurt to do that for him? To make him happy for a few days?

  ‘Gabe we’re out with Robert and Sofia tomorrow. What will they think? It’s not like you got me a tiny ring that no one will notice.’

  ‘Dad knows I was asking you baby. I ordered the ring from the jewellery quarter back home and got them to send it here to him, in case you found it in my case. He was happy for me though he said you wouldn’t say yes, that it was too soon. I’ll explain what we’ve agreed to do and he’ll understand. No one else needs to know if you don’t want them too.’