Zara's eyes bounced around the dimly lit room. She took notice to the EKG monitor beside her, displaying jagged lines across the screen. She peered at the various machines around her, the mounted TV across the room, the curtains, then realized she was in a hospital room. She began to panic. What happened to her?
Zara attempted to speak, but couldn't due to the rubber tube in her trachea.
"It's okay, Za. We're here," Reyna assured.
"How you feelin' baby girl?" Rodney asked.
Zara stared at them, disoriented.
"Babe, go alert the doctor and tell him she's awake," Reyna said.
*
"Ugh, I hate hospital food," Zara complained, as she chewed the rice pudding with disgust. It had been nearly a week since she had been admitted and she still couldn't get used to the food. For breakfast this morning, she was served a bowl of porridge with a side of biscuit and pudding. The food had no taste whatsoever, and it almost felt as if she were eating sandpaper.
"Damn Rey, you couldn't pick me up a Mc griddle or something? I'm dying here." Zara shoved the food tray away.
"Oh, it can't be that bad," Reyna assured, who was seated beside her on the bed.
"Here, then you eat it." Zara handed her the pudding.
"Nu-uh, hell no." Reyna shoved it away causing Zara to laugh.
"See? Seriously, pick me up a Mc griddle. A bitch is starving up in here."
"Aright, alright fine. Let me call Rodney and see if he could pick up something on his way here." Reyna pulled out her phone.
"Yes! Thank youuu. Love ya big sissy." Zara relaxed on her pillow with a smile.
She was more than thankful to have her sister here. She missed her dearly during the past 3 months of being apart. She didn't expect to ever see her again.
Zara learned that she had been brutally raped, and left unconscious on the side of the road on the night of the attack. Fortunately, a garbage man found her the morning after and called the police, where she was taken to the hospital and had slipped into a 3 day coma. She had suffered a broken nose, fractured cheek bone and head trauma. Zara had no recollection of that night. It was still all a blur, but to learn of the severity of the experience, made her thankful to be alive. She really was lucky.
"You know, as crazy as it sounds, I'm almost glad that night happened," Zara spoke up after a while.
"What makes you say that?" Reyna asked.
"'Cause it forced me to wake up. I was just so deep into that life, who knows where I would've ended up. Could've turned out a lot worse...I could've ended up dead." A cold chill rushed through her as she spoke.
"Zara, what made you even wanna take that route? I mean...to sell yourself?" Reyna frowned.
There was no judgment in her tone, but deep concern. Unable to face her gaze, Zara looked down at her hands.
"I wanted to get high and I needed the money. I didn't want to do it, but I just felt like it was my only option."
Reyna shook her head, peering out the window at the sunny horizon. Her silence made her uneasy. She wondered what she was thinking.
"Are you still mad at me?" Zara asked, softly.
"I was never mad at you, Zara. Just hurt."
"I know, and I'm so sorry Rey. I feel horrible for what I did. You were right, I was selfish and I was wrong for stealing from you. I promise I'll never do it again. Can you forgive me?"
"I already have. Look, I was very hurt by what you did, but I'm not gonna hold it against you. You're still my lil' sister and I love you. At the same time, it's gonna be hard for me to fully trust you again."
Her heart fell. "I know."
Reyna didn't forgive easily and she knew it would take many lifetimes to build up her trust again.
"However, I decided I'm gonna keep my promise and allow you to live with me again."
Zara gasped and threw her arms around Reyna. "Thank you, thank you, thank you-"
"But..." Reyna pulled away. "Under one condition."
Zara dreaded her next response.
"You have to go to rehab first."
Her mood plummeted. She should've seen that coming.
"You need to get help, Za."
"I know," she said lowly.
"No, I mean serious help. You need to really stay clean this time around. You were lucky you survived this time, but next time you may not be. And I can't imagine losing you. You need to promise me, that you'll stay clean."
"I promise."
She meant it this time. If going to rehab was what she needed to do to stay clean, then so be it. No more going back to drugs.
"Okay good. C’mere, give me a hug." Reyna and Zara shared a long hug.
"I love you, sis," Reyna voiced.
"I love you too," Zara whispered, embracing her tighter.
For the rest of the morning, they chatted, caught up on the latest gossip and watched TV. Just being in her sister's company was comforting, and she wouldn’t have had it any other way. She loved her sister like no other.
"So, how's Vance?" Zara spoke up after a while.
She knew she shouldn't have brought him up. He was to forever remain buried in her past, a distant memory, never to be spoken of again. But for these past 3 months, there hadn't been a day she hadn't thought about him. The memory of him only resurfaced an unbearable pain in her heart, only driving her to delve deeper into drugs to numb the pain. And now, with a sober mind, he managed to cloud her thoughts more potently than before.
"Vance? Oh, he's in Houston right now."
"Houston? As in Houston, Texas?" She sat up.
"Yeah, he's been there for the past couple weeks. He's going through a lot right now."
"Like what?"
"Laurie died a couple months ago."
Her heart dropped to her gut. "What?"
"Yeah, from overdose."
"Are you-are you serious?" she said, in utter shock.
Reyna sighed. "Yeah. They ruled it a suicide."
"What about the baby?"
"It died too," Reyna said sadly.
"Oh my god." Zara placed her hand over her mouth. She couldn't believe the news. To know Laurie and her child had died was devastating. No matter the circumstance, she would never wish death on anyone. She couldn't imagine the insurmountable pain Vance was experiencing.
"How's he doing? Is he okay?" she asked, concerned.
"Honestly no. He's really taking it hard. Which is why he went away to Houston to clear his head. Supposedly he's staying with a relative or whatever. So sad. I feel so bad for him." Reyna shook her head.
"Do you know when he'll be back?"
Reyna shook his head. "No, he's been a recluse. Nobody could get in contact with him, not even Rodney."
Zara felt so bad for him. Despite everything that had occurred between them, she still cared about his wellbeing. She wished she could reach out to him to at least see how he was doing.
"You still love him?"
With a deep sigh, Zara nodded. No matter what happened, she would never stop loving Vance.
"Sometimes I wish I didn't. Maybe then, it'd be easier to move the fuck on from him," Zara uttered.
She thought about how she ruined her relationship with Sean. She never meant to hurt him. They hadn't spoken since the New Year’s Eve party. Part of her still missed him. He was a good man who did all he could to love her, but she ruined it all because her heart was for another man. As much as she hated the way things turned out, she knew it was for the best. Deep down, she knew they weren't meant to be. She at least hoped he found someone who made him happy. He deserved that.
"That's love for you." Reyna sighed. "Love moves at its own pace, on its own clock, on its own terms. It don't give a fuck about your feelings at all. It wants what it wants."
Reyna's words resonated with her and she nodded in agreement.
"Yeah, love is a bitch."
"It sure is." Reyna chuckled. "But it's beautiful, too. And we all deserve it, even you Za."
Zara rolled her eyes. "Yeah right.
"
After everything she had done, all the people she hurt, she was destined to be alone forever.
"You do. Yeah, you made a lot of fucked up mistakes, but we all do. That's life. That doesn't mean you don't deserve love like the next person."
"But what if the person you love, doesn't love you back?"
"Then you find love within yourself. That's where it starts first. When you learn to love yourself, and I mean truly accepting your flaws, your past, everything about you, then you'll find love. True love."
Zara grew emotional and she wiped her tears.
Reyna grasped Zara's hand. "I just wanna see you happy, sis."
"Me too," she whispered.
Chapter 41
"Home sweet home," Zara said with relief, as Reyna pulled into the driveway of her home.
It felt like ages, since she had been here. After serving 2 months in jail for probation violation, as well as 2 months in rehab, Zara was finally sober and free. After everything she had been through, she promised to never go back to drugs. Drugs had ruined her life, and she refused to let it ruin her future.
Reeling her luggage, Zara followed Reyna to the house. She couldn't wait to just go to her room and plop herself on the mattress. She missed the comfort of her soft, warm bed.
When they opened the door, Zara jumped.
"Surpriiiiiiise!"
Zara was in shock. Rodney, her aunt Maureen, Uncle Kevin and her younger cousins from North Carolina welcomed her at the entrance. She wondered if her eyes were playing tricks on her. Her family. Her family was actually here.
Zara turned to Reyna. "Rey, you set this up?"
"Mhmm." She nodded with a smile.
Zara couldn't believe it. She didn't expect this at all.
"Honey, what you just standin' there fo'? C'mon and give yuh Auntie a hug," Aunt Maureen approached her with open arms. Zara hugged her. "I missed you hun."
“I missed you too.” Zara nodded, fighting back tears.
Zara hugged each and every one of them, appreciative they had put this all together. It was so good seeing them again.
When a familiar face appeared, Zara froze.
Zara took in her features, in disbelief. Her flawless cinnamon brown skin tone, her high cheek bones, striking brown eyes, full lips, even her short golden brown tinted curls. Her familiar features a mere reflection of her own. Zara swallowed the lump in her throat, as she came to grips of the person standing before her.
"Ma?" she whispered.
For a while, her mother stared at her in shock, as though she too were wondering if it were truly her in the flesh. She took in her features, and every part of her frame. In that moment, Zara became self-conscious of her appearance. Her waist length dreadlocks, her brash tattoos, her homely clothing. Her unappealing appearance, she knew her mother would never approve of.
Her mother slowly walked toward her. Zara stood there uncomfortably, unsure of whether to run away or hug her. Her mother stood before her without a word. Zara's heart raced. Any minute now, she expected her mother to slap her, or spew her with insults like she was prone to do. She braced herself.
Her mother embraced her, and Zara froze.
"My daughter," she whispered.
It took a moment for Zara to grasp what was happening. Her mother. Her mother was actually hugging her. Zara hugged her back, unable to fight back her tears. Basking in the warmth of her arms, she tightened her embrace. She didn't realize how much she missed her mother until now.
"It's been so long. So long," her mother whispered.
Zara nodded. It truly has.
*
For the rest of the evening, Zara's family celebrated her return. They laughed, danced, ate, enjoying each other's company. Throughout it all, what cheered her up the most was seeing her mother after so long. Their relationship had been so strained over the years, Zara never thought they would ever reconcile. But they managed to sit down and talk about everything that had happened, and put the past behind them. At the end of the day, they were family. That was all that mattered.
"C'mon, one more!" Reyna adjusted the camera.
"Damn, Rey. How many pictures you gonna take?" Zara complained. This had to be about the 5th picture in a row Reyna took. Her ass never knew when to quit.
"I know, you would've thought this was a damn photo shoot," Rodney added.
"Would ya'll hush up and smile?" Reyna scolded.
"I can't smile no more. My cheeks startin' to hurt," her 9 year old cousin, Lamar complained.
"Just one more, I promise." Reyna rushed to them. They all huddled together, and stared at the camera on the tripod.
"Smileeee!" The camera flashed.
The doorbell suddenly rang, and Rodney left to go answer it. Zara wondered who it was. Before she could give it too much thought, Luther Vandross's song, Never Too Much began to play and she jumped, excited. This was her shit.
"Ayee, what ya'll young folks know 'bout dis song right hea’?" Her uncle began to dance.
Zara quickly slid across the living room floor toward her uncle and danced.
"Okay! Let me see what yuh got," he prompted her.
As she danced with her uncle, a bright smile spread across her lips. Just dancing with him again brought back fond memories of her childhood when he would play ol' school records at the summer barbeques in the South Bronx and she would dance up a storm. She suddenly felt like a little girl again. She loved it.
When she caught a pair of eyes, her heart lunged to her throat. She stopped dancing.
In that second, everything faded into oblivion. She took in his beautiful features, the very features she missed these past 7 months. Those brown slanted eyes, full lips, angular jawline, his neatly trimmed goatee, that smooth milk chocolate skin. Still beautiful. He was dressed in a simple fitted T shirt, dark jeans, and crisp Jordan’s that matched well with the black fitted he wore. Swooning at his appearance, it took a moment for her to come to the realization that he was actually here. In the flesh.
She snapped out of her trance. What was he doing here? Wasn't he supposed to be in Houston? Did he come back to see her?
Swarming with questions, Zara slowly walked to him, her heart galloping in her chest. Rodney, who stood alongside Vance, gave him a certain look then patted his back, before walking away. For a while, they stood there in silence, staring at each other.
Zara cleared her throat. "Hey."
"Hey," he said lowly.
She sensed his discomfort, as he rubbed the back of his neck, finding the words to speak.
"You got a minute?"
Chapter 42
Zara was blown away. The scenery of the tranquil lake surrounded by green trees, embellished with the dwindling rays of sun as it shed the hue of orange and lavender across the horizon was breathtaking. As she sat on the heap of rocks by the water, Zara inhaled the smell of moss wafting the damp humid air, the serenity of it all providing her with a sense of peace.
When Vance suggested they take a ride, she expected him to take her to his house, or even a familiar place for them to talk. But when they arrived at this secluded area a few miles away, she was taken aback.
"How'd you find this place? she asked.
"When I was a part of the youth program back in the day, they took us on a fishing trip one summer. Thought it was quiet, way different from the city. I loved it. So whenever I needed to think or clear my head, I would come out here. Haven't been here in years, though." He stared out at the scenery, his elbows rested on his lap.
"It's nice out here. Peaceful."
He nodded.
They settled in their own thoughts, the melodic sounds of birds chirping the air.
"How’ve you been?" He met her gaze.
"Good. Better." She gave a faint smile.
He stared at her without a word, and her heart raced under his intensive gaze. As he slowly roamed her face, a slight frown etched his features and she instantly became self-conscious, knowing exactly what he was looking at. The 5
inch leathery scar across her cheek from the knife her attacker had cut her with. Every time she looked in the mirror, a wave of emotions spiraled within her. From rage, to hurt, to shame. She used to hate seeing it. It only reminded her of how far she had fallen. Although that night was still a blur, nothing could erase the painful reality of what had occurred. It took a while to develop a sense of confidence whenever she looked in the mirror. She learned to accept the scar. It was a reminder that she had survived. She was still standing.
But now, under Vance's heated gaze, her self-confidence withered away like dust in the rough winds, and she suddenly felt ugly, tainted and ashamed.
He softly traced his thumb across the scar, and she tensed at his touch. Sadness filled his dark eyes and he dropped his hand, facing forward.
"I wish Rodney would've told me what happened." He shook his head. "I should've known earlier. I don't know why he would think to keep that type of shit from me."
"I told him not to," she said lowly.
He turned to her. "Why?"
"Because, I was ashamed. I didn't want you to think any less of me than you already did."
"You thought I would think less of you?" He frowned, offended.
"Yes. I promised I wouldn't go back to drugs and I did. And then to be on the streets, strung out, prostituting, only to be...raped," She cringed as the word left her lips. "That wasn't something I wanted you to find out."
"I wouldn't have thought less of you," he said in a softer tone. "You shouldn't have gone through something like that."
A wave of emotions washing over her, Zara let out a deep breath. "Well, it's fine. I'm doing better now. I'm sober, I'm free so...that's all that matters-"
"I would've been there."
She fell silent and met his stare.
He rubbed her face, sending her chills. "I would've been there for you."
Her eyes stung, and she fought back her tears, shaking her head. "You were already dealing with a lot. I didn't want to burden you with my issues."
His gaze faltered and he faced ahead.
"I'm sorry about what happened," she said softly.
He bit his lip, staring at the lake. His blatant pain saddened her and she felt the deep urge to comfort him. Zara pulled out her New Ports from her back pocket, and offered him a cigarette. He took it from her and she lit it for him. She lit a fresh cigarette for herself as well.
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