by Tori Alvarez
Chapter 13
Reality bites
Toni
I walk into Guela’s house to find her with Alex and Javie at the kitchen table, drinking coffee. Not ready to face whatever damage is going to be revealed, I pour myself a cup and have a seat. I sip slowly, looking around at the solemn faces. The only sounds are of us taking sips of our coffee and placing them back down on the table.
The quiet and suspense of what has happened becoming too much, I say, “Spill it.”
Alex and Javie look at each other. The seconds it takes for one of them to begin is agonizing.
“Guela needs money,” Alex begins.
A slight sense of relief hits. She always needs a bit more money. She makes squat cleaning houses.
“That’s fine. We always help her out. How much and why the big meeting?” The dread slowly begins to melt away.
“No, Toni. She needs money,” he states again.
“Va estar bien, mija. Tengo suficiente dinero hasta la próximo cheque (It’s fine. I have enough until the next check),” Guela chimes in.
“No, Guela, you don’t,” Alex cuts her off, surprising me with his anger. “How are you going to pay for your medications and bills?”
“No los nesesito horita (I don’t need them right now),” she states.
“Wait!” I cut in, still confused with what is going on. “Tell me the whole story.”
“She lent money to your mom, Toni,” Alex informs me.
“What?” I look directly at Guela, confused why she would sacrifice herself again for a conniving, self-centered bitch.
“Va esta bien (It will be okay),” she states again.
“Y tu medicina? (And your medicine?)” Javie decides to jump in.
“Ya te dije, no la necesito. Me siento bien. (I already told you, I don’t need it. I feel fine),” Guela defends herself.
“Cuánto le prestaste a Mamá? (How much did you lend Mom?)” I ask her.
Guela looks down at her coffee, not answering. I give her a couple of moments, and when she still doesn’t answer, I ask again. “Cuánto prestastes? (How much?)”
Alex and Javie stay silent, staring at the table in this one-way exchange. Their silence around the table exasperates me further. I finally lose it and yell in Alex and Javie’s direction. “HOW MUCH?”
Alex finally looks up and answers, “A couple grand.”
“A couple grand? Are you fucking kidding me?”
“No hables asi, Antonia! (Don’t talk like that.)” Guela admonishes me.
“Guela, how could you?”
“Es mi hija. (She’s my daughter.)” Her go-to explanation. How many times have I heard this before? Every time Mom or Uncle Alex runs into trouble, she jumps in to save them, and her explanation is always “they are her kids.” It’s a good thing she only had two, because those two are bleeding her dry.
We all look toward the front door as someone has opened it. I watch as my mother strolls in without a care in the world. Her hair and makeup are immaculate as always with what looks like a new outfit.
I charge at her immediately. “What the fuck, Mom?! How can you take money from Guela?”
“I needed it, Toni. You don’t understand,” she defends herself.
“What the fuck don’t I understand, Mom? Guela cleans houses. She shouldn’t be doing that at her age,” I yell at her.
“Well, I needed the money, Toni,” she tries to answer superiorly, but I know she is as fake as they come.
“Get a second job then.” I give her practical advice.
“I can’t get a second job. That’s absurd,” she continues in her “I’m better than you” airs.
“Yah. Yah.” I hear Guela yell at us from behind.
I step back and throw myself on the couch.
Javie decides to come in next. “So, are you here to pay Guela back the money?” he cautiously asks.
“I don’t have the money yet,” Mom answers automatically.
“Then, what are you here for?” he continues.
“I can’t just come and see my mom?” She is getting annoyed now.
“NO. No, you can’t.” I shoot straight up again. “You never come to see Guela unless you need something. If you are here, you are ready to put your hand out again, I’m sure.”
“What the fuck is the ruckus about?” my uncle asks from the hallway. He is only wearing a pair of jeans, his beer gut on display, completely disheveled, probably still hungover from the night before. “I was trying to sleep.”
“Not now, why don’t you go back to sleep,” Javie tells his dad.
Ignoring my uncle’s presence, I turn back to my mom and inform her, “We need to figure out how to get Guela all she needs this month and ensure her bills are paid. So, if you are here to help, then great, have a seat. If not, then turn your ass around and leave.”
“That is no way to speak to your mother.” Her frustration is clearly showing now.
“My mom? Really? You want to pull the mom card now? The only mom I know is Guela.”
“You disrespectful bitch!”
“It is this bitch that is going to solve Guela’s problems. So have a seat or leave.”
“What problems could she possibly have?” My mother is as haughty as ever.
“How to pay her bills if you aren’t here to pay her back the money.”
She rolls her eyes. “What bills? The house is paid off.” This is how little my mom knows. She doesn’t know anything about her own mother except what she can do for her.
“Well,” Javie begins behind me. “You borrowed everything she had. All her bills need to be paid.”
I’m still blocking Mom’s way into the house.
“Look, Jacob left me with nothing, just a bunch of mess,” Mom tries to defend her actions and deflect.
“You’re an adult, Mom. Handle your own shit,” I answer.
“That’s what moms do, take care of their daughters,” flies out of her mouth before she has time to think who she is speaking to, her narcissism clearly showing.
“Really, MOM?” I respond as sarcastically as ever. “That’s what moms want to do? Take care of their daughters?” I drive the knife of her selfishness in as deep as possible. I want to try and hurt her as much as she has hurt me throughout the years. She was never there for me. Never gave a damn. Never invested any time or attention my way. All she does is leech on and drain you dry.
The sting of a slap bites on my cheek. Never taking a couple of steps into the house, she spins on her heel and walks out the door.
“That was entertaining,” my uncle laughs, still leaning on the hallway wall. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing to concern yourself with, Dad,” Javie answers him. “Just go back to bed.”
He pushes himself off the wall, and I watch him retreat to his (my old) room.
As soon as we hear the click of his door, we all sink into the couch and chairs in the living room. I’m already exhausted, and we have not figured anything out yet.
“Alex, you are freaking me out. You haven’t said anything,” I begin, dropping my head on the back of the couch to stare at the ceiling.
Many silent moments pass, and still, Alex does not say anything.
I pick my head up off the back of the couch. “WHAT? Tell me WHAT?” I practically yell in Alex’s direction for information.
“I’m sorry, Toni,” he begins, speaking almost in a whisper. “Sorry.”
“Sorry for what?” I’m beginning to feel sick.
He leans forward in the chair and places his elbows on his knees. His head drops into his hands. “I can’t cover Guela this time. I need you to do it.” He continues to stare at the floor.
“Why are you sorry?” I’m confused by his apology. We — Javie, Alex, and I — have always taken care of Guela. It’s been our unspoken rule to ensure she has what she needs.
“Because…” I watch as his jaw clenches as he sits up again, running his hands through his hair roughly. “I am trying to keep
you away from this place. You mentioned last time you could stay away from the club because you had enough stashed. I figured if you ran low at the end of the year, I could cover you.” He takes a deep breath and blows it out in a huff.
“You don’t—” I begin.
“Don’t what?” he interrupts. “Need to take care of you? I know I don’t. But I want to. If you make it out of this place, if you find something steady, I won’t worry about you and Guela anymore. I know you will take her wherever you go. Away from the fuckin’ leeches. But now you need to go back to work and not mingle with the people who you should be spending your time with.”
My stomach drops at the reminder of the others. This is why I’ve always kept superficial friends who have come and gone. I never wanted them knowing what I did for money. It’s none of their business. I need no one’s pity or judgment. But now I’ve made friends. People who know more about me than any others—but not what is truly behind the curtain.
“Oh.” My head drops back onto the couch once more, and I close my eyes. I can feel tears starting to form. Tears are a rarity. I cried enough as a child for a mother who didn’t care. I learned there is no use in tears.
“Javie and I are still playing it safe with my dumbass dad living here. Not to mention supporting his lousy ass since he can’t keep a job. Better we do it than he start asking from Guela. Lucky for us, if we keep enough beer in the fridge and enough for him to hit up The Hole, he’s good.”
I have never needed anyone other than these three people in the room. I should have never allowed myself to build friendships. Maybe when I’ve graduated and started working. Guela has stayed quiet in our discussion. She has always been there for us but has that soft spot for her own children.
“Mañana pago todos las cuentas (Tomorrow I’ll pay all the bills).” I look toward my grandmother. The pain on her face is evident.
“Está bien, mija. Puedo limpiar más casas este mes. (It’s fine, sweetie. I can clean more houses this month),” she informs me.
“No. No vas a limpiar más casas. Yo tengo dinero. (No. You will not clean more houses. I have money),” I rebute her firmly.
“I’m going to pick up her meds from the store.” I stand to leave, not trusting my tears to stay at bay.
She stays silent as I rise and walk to the door.
“Toni,” Alex calls.
I turn around to look at him.
“I’ll try to figure something out,” he adds.
I shake my head at him. “No, you won’t. We have always been in this together. I’m doing my part.”
With that, I exit the door, knowing tears of sorrow are coming fast. In the safety of my car, I drive to a dead-end road used only for illegal dumping or horny teens at night. It is here where I can finally allow myself to feel the pain of leaving behind this newfound life. I can’t date Garrett and work at the club. I can’t date Garrett and be with Mark. I wouldn’t want Lola to know about this side of my life.
While I’ve assimilated and learned the ways, I won’t have people judge me for what I need to do. And that’s what I’m sure will happen. I was born into this shit life, and I have been desperately trying to claw my way out of it. Sins of my mother have haunted me my whole life. All I want is to wake up one day without a past that disturbs me.
I allow myself a couple of minutes of self-pity before I turn up the radio, blaring angry music. Because that’s what I feel now. Anger.
Garrett
The day has passed and I never heard back from her. Texting her once this evening, I leave it at that, not wanting to press, especially since she looked crushed this morning. My bed feels empty without her in it. It’s only been a few weeks since she began spending many nights over here, but I’ve quickly begun to crave them. The absence on her side has never felt as ominous as it does now. Before, it was giving her space and taking the time to let her adjust and consider us.
Tossing and turning throughout the night, I wake to Monday classes. I look at my phone. Still no text or message from her. I’ll catch her at the coffee shop, knowing she will probably need caffeine today.
I left class a couple of minutes early so I could make it to the shop before she arrived. I didn’t want to miss her if she decided to take it to go. And knowing her, she may to avoid a discussion about yesterday’s events. My mood is quickly matching that of the hot, bitter coffee. Over an hour passes, and Toni has yet to come in. She wouldn’t have any more time to make it in before her next class, so I decide to leave.
Aimlessly walking around campus before my next class, I search for her. I’m left worrying what could have happened to have her ignore me completely.
“Hey, stranger!” Lola’s voice comes at me from behind.
I stop, letting her catch up to me, debating on asking if she has heard from Toni.
“Not wanting to help clean? Is that why I didn’t hear from y’all yesterday?” she continues teasing.
Her question prompts me to ask, “You haven’t heard from Toni, either?”
“No. Why?” The quizzical look she gives puts me on edge.
“She left yesterday, and I haven’t heard from her since,” I admit, defeated.
“Have you called her?”
“No…”
“Then what are you fretting about? Call her,” she interrupts me.
“I’ve texted her, and she still hasn’t responded,” I add in my defense. I don’t want to share why I won’t call her. Everything I do with Toni is opposite what I would have done for any other girl. Any other girl would have wanted me to save them. But not Toni. Toni can take care of herself, and I give her that control. I’m just along for the ride.
“Then call her.” Her eyes roll with annoyance.
“I can’t,” I simply state.
“Why not?” she pushes.
“I don’t want to scare her away.”
“Aaahhh.” The lightbulb of comprehension goes off. “Closed off with you, too, I see.”
“Yes.”
She takes her phone out of her back pocket. I watch her as she messes with her screen and places the phone to her ear. She is looking around, avoiding eye contact.
“She didn’t answer,” Lola states as she is messing with her screen again. “Sent her a text for dinner tonight. I know that girl likes to eat, so I’ll get a text soon.”
Should I ask her to share with me if Toni texts or calls back? As I’m pondering this, she adds, “I’ll let you know if I hear from her. Okay?”
I nod.
“I have to get to class now. I’m going to be late if I don’t jet.” She rushes off toward the closet building.
Realizing the time, I start to run to my class also.
Not hearing from Toni or Lola all day, I decide to text Toni again.
Why the silent treatment?
Then, I text Lola. Any word?
As I am making myself a bowl of cereal, my phone pings a text. My heart pounds in anticipation of finally hearing from Toni.
She hasn’t texted or called me back either
Chapter 14
Avoidance
Toni
I silence my phone, not wanting to hear any more texts come through. I spent the afternoon at my grandmother’s again. I went to the bank and placed money in the escrow account for her taxes. I spent the rest of my time at her house, on my laptop, paying the rest of her bills. I had set her up with online accounts, but she still kicked it old school and went in to pay for her things. I wasn’t in the mood to deal with people, so I hid behind my screen, getting things done.
The only thing I can be grateful for today is a home-cooked dinner. She is going all out, cooking arroz con pollo with homemade tortillas for us. To keep the peace all evening, I never mention my mother’s name. What is done is done. My mother is never going to pay Guela back, so I might as well drop it.
Seeing Garrett’s text makes my heart drop into my stomach again. I need to break it off. What am I saying? We weren’t together, so there is nothing to brea
k off. I just can’t talk to him anymore. The suckiest part of everything is I miss him. How can I miss him if I was just with him yesterday morning? Knowing I can’t see or be with him again is messing with my head.
I grab my phone to text Sasha. I need to keep my head in the game.
I need to pick up shifts again. Can I come in on Thursday?
Not wanting to head to my apartment, I pull up homework due later this week. If I’m going to ignore everyone successfully, I will need to stay busy. There’s no going back now. Garrett and Lola know where I live. They can easily ‘drop by’ if they choose to. I can’t see him yet.
“What are you still doing here?” Alex asks, coming into the kitchen.
“Homework,” I state bluntly, never looking up from my screen.
“No you’re not. Might as well tell me,” he pushes.
“What does it look like I’m doing?” I refuse to be baited.
“It looks like you’re avoiding.” He sits across from me, twisting off a beer cap.
“I’m doing homework. I don’t want to start again if I’m on a roll.” I try and get him off my back.
“And that’s all?” I can feel his stare. “It has nothing to do with the guy whose texts you have been ignoring? What is his name? Garrett, right?” He’s playing dumb on purpose.
I push my laptop back and let my head fall to the table on my crossed arms. I can’t do this now. I don’t want to do this.
“Just talk to me, Toni.”
Trying to hide the frustration of the situation I’m in is no longer an option. “What do you want to hear?” The tears I have kept locked up since letting go yesterday come back. I look up at Alex. “I let Garrett in. He knows where I live. I actually started to like him. He’s not like other guys. He’s different. Always letting me lead. Never pushing too hard. Never boasting about himself.
