by Tori Alvarez
She is throwing so much at me, and my mind is moving too slowly, trying to process. I take a few seconds before I open my mouth to explain.
“I couldn’t talk to her there. First, I was with Kevin. He wanted me to know where she worked. He took me there, not telling me why. I didn’t want him to hear anything I wanted to say. Second, she was working. I didn’t think it was the best place, trying to yell our private details above the music.” I stop. I don’t want to say the third reason I walked away. The biggest reason I have to stay away.
Like she knows I’m not being fully truthful, she inquires, “That’s it?” She cocks an eyebrow in question.
“No. The real reason I have to stay away. She is with someone else.” My head falls back, hitting the headrest. I hit it a couple of times for being the idiot.
I turn to her as I hear a small laugh. “What’s so funny?”
“She isn’t with anyone else.” She seems so sure.
“What?” I’m still not following.
“She isn’t dating anyone. Why would you think so?” she pushes.
“I saw her with a guy at her apartment when she said we were over,” I answer honestly.
“Well, I don’t know who was with her, but she isn’t dating him. She hasn’t dated anyone since you. That I do know.” The confidence in her statement has me wanting to believe.
“So what’s going on?” I ask, still unclear with where we are going.
“I figure she needs friends right now. I was with her earlier, and she got a call about her grandmother being taken to the hospital. She looked so scared.” Her lips pull down.
“Oh.”
“Will you go? I’m figuring she needs people she can trust.”
“She trusts you?” A twinge of jealousy sparks.
“I think so. I forced her to.” She winks at me. Lola is a force, and I could see her pushing her way into Toni’s life.
“But she doesn’t trust me.”
“Not yet. But she will.” She places her truck in drive.
Walking through the halls, my stomach is in knots, not knowing how I will be received. But that is an asshole thought. Worrying about myself when she is going through hell is selfish. I watch Lola reading and typing on her phone as we walk the corridors. I am following her, not knowing when I am going to come face to face with the girl who stole my heart.
We turn to the left into a waiting room, and there she is—in his arms. I stop, the hole she left bursting wide open. They are sitting on a small couch, and he has his arm wrapped around her back, her head tucked on his shoulder with her eyes closed.
“How is she?” Lola asks, walking straight to her.
She looks up at Lola’s voice, and her eyes immediately find mine. I’m frozen to the spot, unsure what comes next. The guy and another one sitting on her other side look up at Lola and see me watching. They stay seated as Toni stands, eyes still on me. Lola grabs her hand, squeezing it.
“We still don’t know much.” Her voice is filled with fear.
She heads in my direction. If I’m being helpful or not will soon be answered. She walks right into my chest, laying her head against me. My arms quickly come around her as I place a small kiss on the top of her head. Her soft sobs can barely be heard as she is clutching me around the waist. I look up at the guy she was sitting next to, and he is watching us with a small smile, which is not expected.
Lola watches us for a few moments before she sits next to him, extending her hand.
“I’m Lola. And which cousin are you?” I overhear her ask him. And a few things start to fall into place.
“Alex, and that is my brother, Javie, over there.” He points at the second guy in the room who has moved to the corner.
Lola turns around and gives Javie a small wave.
“Have you all heard anything?” she asks Alex.
At this question, Toni pulls away and turns around but leans her back into my chest. “They are running tests, but they think it was a stroke. She still hasn’t woken up,” she answers Lola.
“Can we get you all anything?”
“I’m good,” Toni answers, “but I need a few minutes.”
Both Alex and Lola nod their heads at her as she turns around again, this time grabbing my hand and pulling me behind her. We walk down several halls. I’m letting her lead, not knowing where she wants to go. Once we are in the cafeteria, she sits at a table, and I mirror her.
I can hear her breathing as she stares at the table. I have all the patience now that I know she has missed me, too. I could finally breathe again once I had her in my arms. I was too stupid to know I was drowning, not understanding the reason she left.
“I’m sure you have questions,” she begins, not looking at me.
I need her to look at me. I need to know what she wants and understand what I want. My fingers come under her chin as I gently push her head up.
Once her eyes meet mine, I begin. “I do. And before, I would have treaded lightly, scared you would have jetted so fast if I came too close to things you weren’t ready to share. But now…now I think I need all the truth.” A single tear falls, running down her cheek.
“I know we may not have time for it all right now, but soon,” I continue. “The two most important things I need answered right now are…” I pause, giving myself a moment before I put myself out there again with her.
“What are they?” she asks.
I brush the tear away. “Are you dating anyone?”
Another tear falls from the brim of her eye. She shakes her head. “No. I haven’t dated anyone but you in a very long time.” A couple more tears follow as she blinks her eyes.
I can’t hide the relief I feel when she tells me this. “Do you want me here? I don’t want to intrude during such a personal time.”
She nods at me. “Please stay.”
The vulnerability she is showing at this moment is something I have never seen from her before. She always hid behind tall walls; emotions were rarely shown.
“Okay.” I turn my chair to the side and open my arms toward her. She comes right into me again, sitting on my lap, her arms wrapping around my neck, clutching tightly. I give her a moment. “Don’t you want to get back in case the doctor comes with any news?”
“Yes.” She grabs a napkin from the table, wiping her eyes.
Before she stands, I grab her chin, bringing her gaze to me. “I’m here for the long haul if you let me.”
Her lips pull down as she bites the corner of her bottom lip. “I can’t believe it yet. Not until you know everything. I don’t live in fairy tales, never have. My life doesn’t even look normal. It’s a train wreck. No one would voluntarily want to jump into the crazy which is our lives.” She stands suddenly.
I quickly follow her, holding her by her shoulders before she can run away again. “Stop. Breathe for me. And don’t tell me what I will or won’t do.” She’s right, I don’t know everything, but I do know I was a mess without her. “I’m here now. Let’s get through today, and then we’ll talk.”
Grabbing her hand, I walk into the food area.
“What are you doing?” she asks.
“Grabbing some drinks and snacks for everyone. What do your cousins like?”
“You don’t have to. It’s fine. Everything is expensive in here,” she whispers to me.
“It’s good. I’ve got it. Grab some things. You don’t know how long everyone is going to be sitting there.”
We each load up our arms and hands with drinks and packaged snacks and place them at the cashier’s stand. Her eyes widen when the cashier informs us of the total. I hand her my card and ask for everything to be bagged.
“Thank you,” she tells me as we walk back to the waiting room.
“You’re welcome.” Little does she know I have a story of my own to tell.
Chapter 21
Too much
Toni
Lola is lying down on the small couch, her legs over the armrest with her feet on the next chair
, Javie hasn’t moved from the corner he was at earlier, and Alex is pacing. We place the bags on the small table by Lola’s head.
“Alex, Javie,” I call them over. “Garrett, these are my cousins, Alex and Javie.” I point them each out.
Garrett extends his hand, shaking with both of them.
“Estás seguro quieres el guero aquí? (Are you sure you want the white boy here?)” Alex asks me. He’s not really worried about etiquette, talking in Spanish in front of someone who doesn’t and them knowing that’s the reason he’s doing it.
“Claro que sí. (Of course),” I answer, knowing it’s the truth. I do want him here. I just don’t know if he’ll want to stay when he hears the crazy that is my family.
“I’m relieved to know you want me here,” Garrett chimes in.
“Hablas Español? (You speak Spanish?)” Alex asks him.
“Si. Aprendí hace muchos años. (Yes. I learned many years ago),” Garrett comes back with a decent accent.
“Wow. I didn’t know,” Lola chimes in.
“I guess speaking about the white boy in Spanish won’t do us any good.” Alex smirks at me.
“How did you learn Spanish?” I ask just as the door opens. I turn around, and the doctor from earlier comes through.
“How is she?” Javie is the first one to speak.
“Still the same. She has not woken up. But we did confirm that it was a stroke,” she answers Javie then continues. “We have her in the ICU for constant monitoring. Right now, it’s just waiting. We won’t know the extent of it until she wakes.”
“What now?” I ask, confused.
“We are still trying to wake her. Right now, that is all I have,” she answers quickly.
I know it’s serious by the clipped answer.
“A nurse will be out in a moment to give you her room number. Only two in the room at a time.”
“Yes, ma’am,” Alex answers.
The weight of knowing how serious the situation is feels daunting. I sit down, unsure my legs will hold me up. Garrett comes quickly to my side, holding me. I am numb with fear. What will happen to us? Who will care for her if she is able to come home? What if she doesn’t make it? Will our asshole parents get the house? Where will Alex and Javie live? That house is our center. It’s not much, but it has kept us together.
The nurse came and went with information on her room number. Javie is the first one to go in, and he insists he needs time alone with her. He is the sensitive one of the brothers. I don’t think Alex feels he can be vulnerable with the responsibility of caring for me and Javie.
When Javie comes out, Alex and I go in. She is pale with so many machines beeping and running around her. The room is tiny with just one chair. I sit, holding her cold hand, praying silently. Alex is on her other side, standing and watching us, his cool exterior never broken. He has helped Guela carry the world on her shoulders, never asking for anything in return.
“I’m hungry,” I whine while looking through the pantry. There is nothing for me to eat because I’m not allowed to use the stove yet.
Javie is setting his things at the table to start his homework. This is the usual afterschool activity. The three of us home alone until Guela gets home from work. Alex in charge.
“Grilled cheese?” he asks me.
“Please,” I answer, grateful for a snack. Our fridge was not always stocked with the usual packaged snacks, but Alex would always figure out something for us to eat. I watch him take out the bread, butter and cheese to begin.
I sit at the table, coloring and waiting for my sandwich to be done.
“Extra cheesy just for you.” Alex places a plate in front of me.
Those are the things I remember fondly—my life at Guela’s with my cousins who are more like my brothers. The four of us are a family. Somehow, our parents learned nothing from the wonderful mom they had. They took her for granted, and now the only mother figure we know is lying here helpless. I’m terrified of what comes next. My mind can’t even fathom…
“What are you thinking?” Alex’s voice breaks through my silent pleas to God.
“I…I don’t know. My mind is everywhere and nowhere at the same time.”
“And Garrett?” he continues.
“What about him?”
“You going to let him in? Honestly and all?” he pushes me.
“I want to.” I squeeze Guela’s hand, hoping she feels me here. “He knows more than I ever considered telling him, and he’s still here. The most I can say is I’m going to try.”
“And you never mentioned that spunky friend of yours.” His smirk is contagious, and a small smile emerges through my pain.
“Yes, that she is. I became friends with her because she refused to be ignored. She knows pretty much everything, and she keeps insisting we are the best of friends. Since she won’t let me go my own way, I’ll keep her friendship.”
“Come on. We can’t do anything for her right now. Let’s get some food and sleep and be back in the morning.”
I drop my forehead to the bed, close to her hand that I’m still clutching. I can’t think of leaving her here by herself. What if she wakes up confused and needs us?
“I’ll stay here with her. Go on. I’ll be fine.”
“No you won’t. I’m going to feed you, and you are going to get some sleep. We can get back as early as you want. You are not staying here in that measly little chair.”
“What if she needs me?” I plead with him to leave me here.
The door opens, and a nurse walks in.
“Good evening. I’m here to remind you that visiting hours are over.” She smiles apologetically.
“Thank you. We were just getting ready to leave,” Alex answers for us. He looks to me.
I kiss her hand.
“I love you. I’ll see you in the morning,” I whisper in her ear.
Garrett
“I’m starving. Let’s get something to eat,” Alex declares to the room as he and Toni walk back in.
“I do need food,” his brother exclaims behind me.
“Are you all hungry too?” Toni looks to Lola and me.
“Yes,” Lola answers her.
“Let’s head to my place. I’ll place an order for some pizzas, and we can pick them up on the way there,” I offer, not wanting them to worry about anything.
“No need, man. We can pick up our own food,” Alex informs me.
Not wanting to insult anyone’s pride, I nod.
“Darlin’, did you drive?” I ask, not knowing any logistics.
“Yes.”
“Can Lola go with you so I can take her truck to pick up some food? You go ahead to my place and relax.” I don’t want her driving alone, exhausted and emotional, even though I know she will insist she is fine. I look toward Alex. “I don’t live far. Toni can send you my address if you want to head on over to be with her.”
He looks over to her then back at me. “Nah. Javie and I are going to head home.” Then he faces Toni. “Call us in the morning when you are ready to get back. We will meet you here.”
She looks up at him and nods. I know she is doing everything she can to hold herself together. He knows this, too, because he takes a step to her, taking her into his strong arms, holding her. I want to be that for her. To be able to protect her from anything that could hurt her.
Toni and Lola are sprawled out on my couch. The TV is on, but the sound is so quiet I know they are seeing the screen but not truly watching anything. I have the second pizza that has entered my apartment today in my hand. I didn’t want to offer them the cold one I left on the counter when Lola picked me up earlier. So much has changed in the last few hours.
I place a slice on a paper plate for each of them, grab two bottled waters, and take it to them. They thank me in unison but do not get up. I stand at the counter, taking bites, tired of sitting. As much as I want to talk to Toni, I know tonight is not the right time. After a slice, I head to my room to grab a couple of blankets for them to use.
“Here are a couple of blankets if you don’t feel like moving. You are more than welcome to stay here,” I extend the offer. I make it easy for her to stay so I know she is taken care of. I want to be the shoulder she leans on.
“As much as I love you, Toni, we both don’t fit on this couch.” Lola begins to get up.
“Y’all can take my bed, and I’ll take the couch,” I offer quickly so she does not leave.
“We can’t kick you out of your bed,” Toni quickly shoots my plan down. She sits up, looking at me. “Can I stay in there with you?”
“If you want, of course,” I answer honestly.
“Go on then. Move out so I can rest.” Lola pushes her teasingly with her feet.
She stands up and walks into my bedroom. I follow behind her.
“Do you need a t-shirt?” I offer, unsure if she’ll go into my drawer on her own to get one like she did before.
“Please,” she answers then begins taking off her jeans and shirt. I can’t help but admire her body as she stands in her bra and panties in front of me. I quickly hand her the shirt, because the thoughts that fly through my mind aren’t appropriate at this time.
She pulls the shirt over her head and crawls into bed, pulling the blankets up to her chin. Not wanting her to feel uncomfortable, I get into bed on top of the covers with my clothes on.
“What are you doing?” she asks.
“What do you mean?” I ask, not sure if she is upset I got in bed with her.
“Why did you get into bed with your clothes on, and why aren’t you under the covers?”
“Darlin’, I’m not expecting anything. I just want to know you are taken care of. If you are in my bed, I know you are as alright as can be expected.”
“Then, get into bed like you would normally. I can’t deal with us being weird, too.”
“Are you sure?” I’m hesitant to say or do the wrong thing and have her flee again before we can work anything out.
