by Joy, E. n.
Little did he know, that was just what Tatiana wanted to hear. Like she'd told many men before, there was nothing a man could do for her but buy her things. Other than that, no man was any use to her. So when this gentleman offered to do more, the answer was not just "yes," it was "Hayellll, yes," with a capitol H. "It depends on what you are trying to do," Tatiana snapped back, sure not to seem too eager.
"I'll let you call it, Lil Miss Attitude," the young man calmly responded, acknowledging Tatiana's feistiness.
"And it's Goldie; Miss Goldie to you." Tatiana licked her lips. "Miss Goldie can be reached at 328..." She gave him her nickname and then read off her phone number.
He took out his cell phone and entered and saved it into his electronic phonebook.
"Aight, Miss Goldie. I'll holla at you. And since you asked," he said before telling the clerk to keep the change, his words laced with a dose of his own sarcasm, "the name is Jo," he winked and then headed out the door. Jo nearly ran into Tike, who stood right outside the exit, staring in.
Tatiana exited the store soon after. She hadn't even gotten out of the store good before the comments from the boys in the hood began again.
"Oh, a G stack wasn't good enough, huh?" Tike said after witnessing Tatiana giving up the digits to Jo. "You be playing games." Tatiana ignored him and kept on walking. "Forget you. You'd probably rather bump monkeys with your home girl, Kandi, anyway; homo trick," Tike yelled to Tatiana, knowing of one of her best friends, Kandi's, bisexual orientation. "So what dude offering? A spot on his trick block picking up where yo' mommy left off?" Tike said, entertaining all the dudes on the block like he was the hood comedian. To Tatiana's ears, his audience's laughter was like the sound of a microphone nearing a speaker getting too much feed- back.
That comment Tike made set it off for Tatiana. She stopped in her tracks and turned around. She looked up at the dirty little boy that she stood toe to toe with and said nothing. Her eyes alone said it all. Her mouth moistened as all sorts of thoughts ran through her mind. Her mouth filled with fluid as she prepared to empty her wetness in Tike's face. She took a deep breath and cleared her throat to bring up every ounce of sinus phlegm she had in her body until her mouth was full to the point she wanted to throw up.
"Yo!" Tatiana heard a voice then felt a shove as Jo forced his way between her and Tike. "Chill out, lil man, fo' you be off dis block," Jo said as he stood between Tatiana and the nothing little peon that had disrespected her. His towering body was like a shadow over Tike's five foot, six inch, thin frame.
"It's all good, homie," Tike said, raising his arms in surrender. "We was just playing around with Miss Lady, here. It ain't nothin'." It was obvious that Tike didn't want no drama with Jo. He was all talk and no action.
"Just make sure nothin' never turns into somethin' and we good." Jo held his hand out to Tike, who hesitantly shook it and then made his way over to the game of dice like a wounded pup.
"You alright, baby girl?" Jo asked, sincerely con- cerned as he turned his attention to Tatiana.
Tatiana stood silently, trying to calm herself back down. She then spat on the ground and looked up at Jo. "I'm good. I can handle my own, though. I don't need a big brother," Tatiana snapped, as she headed toward the truck that just that afternoon she had convinced some naive boat boy to let her hold while he was out to sea.
"Dis you?" Jo asked, following behind her, surprised to see her driving a 08 Cadillac Escalade.
"Nope. Another dude's whip. That's all y'all good for anyway; just to use and abuse. All y'all the same; disre- spectful, dead beats, womanizers, and woman beaters. But I know one thing, you can bet cha last stack this chick here will never fall victim." Tatiana, got in the truck, shut the door, and then sped off, leaving Jo speechless.
Once on the road, and out of sight from anyone on the block, Tatiana's eyes filled with water. She didn't know why she had let Tike's words get to her. She thought she had mastered the art of tuning men out after breaking it off with Touch, the last dude she had called herself playing the part of wifey with. All Touch did was belittle her with his tongue; putting her down in an attempt to build himself up. That was something Tatiana took note of that men often did as a twisted way of making themselves feel like a man.
Tatiana hated all men. Even when she tried to give a guy a chance, he would always end up being just like the others. She knew she was bitter when it came to men, but that's all she'd ever seen or known. Not one man had ever done anything to even make her think twice about the way she felt about them. And for that fact, she always said that if God was a man, then she hated him too.
"I look way too good to be innocent." Her phone interrupted her thoughts as it played the lyrics of Conceited by Remy Ma. The number that showed up on the caller ID was unfamiliar. "Hola?" Tatiana said with a fake Spanish accent, disguising her voice just in case she had to play stupid to the person on the other end of the phone.
"Miss Goldie?" a male asked from the other end.
Tatiana knew it could be only one person calling her Miss Goldie, besides, the sound of his voice was still fresh in her head. "Yes, Jo?"
"You aight?"
"Yes, I am." Tatiana's tone was as if she was more so aggravated by his concerns rather than flattered.
"Yo, ma, why you so mean? You got me confused, on the real. I ain't been nothing but chill since I met you and you ain't gave me nothing but grief. Why you even give me your number if it's all like that?" Jo asked, trying to figure out what was up with Tatiana and all her attitude.
"For the dough." Tatiana kept it real. "Like I said, that's all men are good for."
Jo chuckled at this girl's directness before replying, "Okay. I'll take that risk. I'm still gonna holla at you even with dat said. In the end, I'm sure you'll realize you got a good man on your hands," Jo said confidently. He could tell by the hurt look in Tatiana's eyes when Tike was clowning on her, that she had some issues. But he knew just who could resolve them. Tatiana's hard attitude didn't scare him off, nor was it a threat. It was a challenge; one that Jo was willing to take.
"Don't be so sure, boo. I don't know what a good man looks like, acts like, talks like or walks like. I ain't never seen one. To keep it real, I ain't know they even existed. If you're a good man, you better breed fast, 'cause I think you the only one left on the face of this earth."
"Just give me a chance. That's all I ask."
"You want a chance, Mister Jo? Cool, I'll give you that. Because guess what? It's real easy to keep me around." Tatiana began to break it down like it was part of the Ten Commandments. "Keep the money coming and you'll keep me. And it goes the same when it comes to losing me. Money gone; I'm gone. They don't call me Goldie for nothing! Got it?" Tatiana said with no shame.
This chick is really trying to play me like a sucker, Jo thought to himself. It seemed as though Tatiana was becoming more brazen by the minute. Maybe her wall was too strong to be broken down. Jo contemplated on whether or not he should just hang up and erase her number, but he decided to play this thing out. He was in it to win it. "Why do they call you Goldie anyway?" he asked in an attempt to make her believe that he was ignoring all of her other statements.
"For a few reasons." Tatiana prepared to break it down. "One, because the opportunity to holla at a chick like me is golden. Two, I'm straight gold digging and I don't keep it a secret. And three, the chances of a dude hitting this is like the chances of him finding a leprechaun carrying a pot of gold. Now, like I said before, got it?"
The thought of hanging up on Tatiana popped into Jo's head again, but something just wouldn't let him do it. "Yeah, aight." Jo chose to swallow his pride and listen to the angel whispering in his ear on the right rather than follow the constant whisper of the devil on his left telling him that this chick was unsavable; that he could never get her to change her mind about men. "But just one thing." Jo paused. "What's your government name?"
She hesitated, preferring that he call her Goldie like all the other dudes, but then h
er real name just came out. "Tatiana."
"Aight, Tatiana. You got my number; it showed up on your phone, I'm sure. Just give me a shout when you ready to get with a real man-the man." Jo ended the call by hanging up in her ear without saying so much as "later," giving himself a little self esteem boost.
"Whatever!" Tatiana said to herself after Jo hung up in her ear.
She thought to herself as she continued her route home that Jo probably had plenty of game; but not enough to change the thoughts of Tatiana Turner. The way she felt about guys was set in stone and there was nothing that anyone could do, or say, to change that.
One thing that Tatiana had promised herself was that she would never be a man's punching bag, baby mother, ex-wife or mistress. And the world could give thanks to her sperm donor, Silk, and that no good mother of hers, Jan, for blessing her with the foundation for those thoughts, and for losers like Touch that she let into her life for confirming it. They had ruined it for every man that crossed her path and got burned with the golden torch."
But little did Tatiana know, if Jo was to have his way, he just might have the water to put out that flame of the golden torch.
Chapter Two
Tatiana drove down the street; at each stop light she prepared her spliff. As she puffed, she reflected back to her childhood days. The words, "That's not my baby," popped up into her head. It was like those words left the tongue of Silk's mouth and echoed through the walls of Jan's stomach and right into the microscopic ears of her unborn fetus. To this day, twenty-two years later, that phrase still rings in the ears of Tatiana, who was once that unborn fetus carried by Janice Turner, Hot Jan as she was known in the streets. It was as though the day Tatiana's father spoke those words, her life was cursed. When her father, Anthony Bates, Silk, to some and Silky to others, found out her mother was pregnant, he fled faster than an illegal Mexican in a car accident.
Silk was smoother than silk, hence the name. He could con the best con artist and charm the ladies just the same. He had drugs, money, clothes, jewels, cars, and the attention of every woman in the streets, but there was only one he was interested in, and that was Hot Jan. So when the opportunity knocked for him to get at her, Jan answered. That was all an uneducated stallion like herself needed to stay on top; the likes of Silk.
But when Jan got knocked up, that was one thing Silk was not trying to own up to. A baby just didn't fit in with his life of partying, sex, alcohol and drugs. So in came the baby and out went Silk. But Tatiana's mother was no stranger to the streets, clubs, and drug dealers alike. So when Silk fled, another pusher was happily ready to fill his shoes. That's when Don, known to the streets as Don Dada because of his native country of Jamaica, came on the scene. Ironically, like the don's in Jamaica, he gained much respect on the streets of Norfolk.
From a young age of five, Tatiana never liked Don. She'd witnessed him beat her mother night after night. It seemed like every night young Tatiana sat at her mom's side, bat in hand, waiting for the day she could crack Don upside the head. She was waiting for the day that she could do what her mother wouldn't do; defend herself from men. Tatiana had promised her mommy she would protect her, and by all means, she intended to do just that.
As the years passed, Hot Jan had aged greatly. The beatings and stress had become overwhelming and it showed. There were no more long days spent at the hair salon and nail shop. Now her days were spent drinking. It wasn't until ten years later at a tender age of fifteen that Tatiana discovered her mom had even turned to drugs. The combination of abuse, drugs, and alcohol had taken a toll on Jan. Her brick house frame was non- existent. Instead of turning heads because of her beauty, men had begun to shake their head as if to say, "What a pity."
As soon as Jan began to deteriorate and no longer had a nice body, beauty, and the attention of all men, she was no use to Don. Once he was no longer attracted to Jan, he spent days away from home. It became obvious he was seeing someone else. It had even gotten so bad that he had even began to look at Tatiana in a way that grown men shouldn't look at little girls. A blooming teenager with the developing brick house frame her mother once had, Tatiana was a treat to Don's eyes. It wasn't long before he gave in to his temptations.
One morning while Tatiana showered, Don snuck into the bathroom as soon as she stepped out of the tub. With gun in hand, he made his demand very simple. Tatiana was to bend over the sink and not say a word. Tatiana couldn't believe this was happening with her own mother right there in the house. With silent tears of anger that burned her cheeks as they fell, she bent her wet naked body over the sink. She focused on the image of her cross pendant that her grandmother had given her the day she was baptized, as she looked at her reflection in the mirror. Then she took a deep breath as Don forced himself inside her. Where was her mother and why she wasn't coming to protect her is all Tatiana could ask herself. But then she realized that Jan was a woman who couldn't even save herself from this animal.
How could she possibly save her own daughter?
After minutes of torture that seemed like hours, a warm wetness was splashed across her buttocks. Don zipped up his pants and walked out the bathroom with- out saying a word.
Tatiana had placed her hand between her legs and clamped them together tightly. She fell to the floor and cried. "Why, God? Why?" Tatiana called out as she ripped off her necklace and cross pendant. "What have I done to deserve this? How could you let something like this happen to me?" Tatiana begged God for an answer as she cried hysterically and rocked back and forth. Her tears turned to anger with each drop. Eventually, her tears dried up. She then picked herself up from off the floor, looked at her hands filled with blood and semen and returned to the shower. She turned the water on hell and scrubbed profusely. She wanted every trace of Don washed away.
Tatiana stepped out of the shower and went to her bedroom and grabbed the steal bat she kept by her side each night. The bat she would always, instead of a teddy bear, grab hold of for comfort when she'd hear her mother cry after Don had beaten her. With eyes full of rage, Tatiana smiled at the long awaited chance to finally crack Don's head open. It was time she had his blood on her hands instead of her own.
She would give him a lick for every time he'd hit her mother. She would give him a lick for every hit of heroin that pumped through her mother's veins that he'd supplied her with. Tatiana's heart raced and the adrenaline pumped through her body as she ran down the hallway and into the living room full speed. Once she got to the end of the hall, she froze. Her head began to spin and she felt faint as she looked at the sight before her. The bat fell from her hand and chimed as it hit the floor. She walked slowly toward the couch where her mom sat slumped over. Tears, again, weld up in her eyes and burned as they ran down her cheeks.
"Mom...mommy," Tatiana cried out to her mother as she kneeled by her side.
She knew her mom would not respond. She knew her mom would never say another word again as she pulled the heroin filled needle from her arm. In one day, in one hour, Don had taken both her virginity and her mother from her.
Years later, Tatiana tried her hand at the trust of a man again. That man was Touch. Just like Don, Touch also had drugs, money, jewels, clothes, cars and the attention of all the women. Touch made sure Tatiana had all that her little heart desired. He was nowhere near perfect, though. There were constant arguments when Touch would belittle Tatiana for refusing to give up the goods-the goods between her legs. It was as though Touch felt that he'd earned them. Almost like he'd paid for sex with all the gifts he'd given her. Feeling a little guilty, Tatiana actually thought about giving her- self to Touch. But she knew it would be a long and hard process.
One day while he was out collecting money from his boys on the block, Tatiana prepared him dinner. She wanted to do something nice for him to show her gratitude for the things he'd done for her. She'd finished up dinner right before Touch walked through the door. He was obviously drunk as he walked in the house reeking of alcohol. He walked in the kitchen and began
to kiss Tatiana, while running his hands all over her body. Tatiana struggled to push him off of her, but the more she resisted, the more aggressive he became. With noth- ing but the thoughts of Don running through her head, Tatiana grabbed a butcher knife and turned toward Touch. He backed off and she rushed out the house crying hysterically.
Tatiana blamed Don for her mother's death and Touch for her own death. You see, from that day for- ward, Tatiana vowed that a man would never be able to hurt her again. If God wouldn't protect her; she'd protect herself. That was the beginning of the end; the death of Tatiana and the beginning of Goldie.
The remaining of Tatiana's teenage years were spent with her grandmother, Big Momma. Big Momma was the mother of the streets; always giving her last and never leaving an open mouth unfed. Everybody knew and respected Big Momma. Although Tatiana was nowhere near the perfect child, Big Momma understood her hurt and anger.
Tatiana spent long nights in the streets and came in during the late hours of the night just as her mother did. At times, Big Momma had to wonder if Tatiana was following in her mother's footsteps. Just like Jan, Tatiana turned heads of men and spent days at the hair salon and nail shop. Before Big Momma, or her prayers, could prevent it, just like Hot Jan, Goldie was known throughout the streets. But being the God fearing woman that Big Momma was, she believed that although Tatiana may have given the devil her body, it wasn't too late to give her soul to the Lord.
Chapter Three
Refusing to never leave Big Momma's side, Tatiana, at the age of twenty-two, still lived with her. She pulled up to her grandmother's house and jumped out of the truck, sipping on her bottle of water, compliments of Jo. She noticed Big Momma's car wasn't in the drive way and realized that it was Friday evening, which meant she was having Friday night Bible study at the church, as if she hadn't learned enough on Wednesday night Bible study.
