Even Sinners Have Souls

by Joy, E. n.

  "Well, I don't care that some of you have never been to church. You are here now and I'm not gonna let y'all go without getting the word; without hearing from God. 'Cause guess what? You may not have ever been to His house before, but He's been to yours. Somebody is going to be saved in here today."

  Tatiana crossed her legs and her foot began to shake as she absorbed every word that came from the preacher's mouth. Tears weld up in her eyes and she began to cry, but she couldn't quite figure out why. At the time, she didn't feel sadness. She felt free, like a burden had been lifted from her shoulders. Still concerned about what others may say, she glanced around the church. To her surprise, many others around her eyes' were filled with tears too. Her body began to rock back and forth as the preacher's words became more intense. It was as though every word he spoke was directed toward her personally. Every subject he touched was an issue she had faced in her life.

  "Who cares if your father, baby father, uncle, or granddaddy wasn't there? It doesn't matter that your stepdaddy raised you and your real father disowned you. It doesn't matter that your baby daddy doesn't pay child support and is a dead beat dad. Who cares that Uncle Alvin would rather be called Auntie Alice and granddaddy is always drunk? That's no excuse for who you are. You've got a man in your life greater and more powerful than any man on this earth, and that man is Jesus Christ. All you have to do is accept Him into your life."

  Tatiana hadn't been to church since she was a teenager, but she knew exactly what was about to hap- pen. This was the point when the preacher would ask everyone to receive Christ into their lives. Her brain raced as she heard the preacher's next words.

  "I just ask that all of you, all of God's children come to the altar. Come and receive Him. Come." He pointed to the casket. "This woman's life may have ended for such a time as this. Just so you could be here at this moment, turning your life over to God. I wouldn't even doubt it if she told God herself to use her in such a way, because that's the type of woman she was. She was a woman who would give up her own life to save another's."

  Before Tatiana knew it, she was on her feet and heading toward the altar. It was as though someone, or something, had lifted her to her feet and brought her there. At the altar she was met with all sorts of people. She felt someone grab her hand. She looked to her right and it was her girl, Kandi. And to her left was Yardi, and beside Yardi, was her boyfriend, Dred. Tike and a few other guys from the block were at the altar too. The altar was flooded with people just like her. She couldn't believe the sight before her eyes.

  Tatiana had heard Big Momma talk about how the Lord could do this and the Lord could do that, but this was the first time she had actually witnessed the work of God first hand. She knew beyond a doubt that only God could have gotten them folks to come to the altar. After a few minutes at the altar, while they recited the prayer of repentance and salvation, the crowd slowly began to dissipate as people returned to their seats. Then it was time for the final words and Tatiana's name was called to speak. Tatiana knew she would have to speak, but she never had any idea what to say, or if she would even be able to talk at all. But as she approached the pulpit, she felt confident. She began to speak.

  "You know, when I was first asked to speak I declined. I declined for a few reasons. One, because I'd never spoke in a church. I hadn't even been in a church since I was a teenager when my mother died. Two, I didn't think I could even make it to the funeral. It was hard for me to even make it through the church doors. And lastly, I figured the more I refused to accept my grandmother's death, the longer she would be here with me. But I've learned a lot just in today's service, and it has given me the courage to speak." Tatiana paused.

  "Go on, chile, it's okay," Tatiana heard her great aunt say.

  She continued. "I must admit, my grandmother is all I had. I had no father or mother. Big Momma was mommy, daddy and grandma for me. So when she passed, I was mad. All Big Momma ever did was talk about how good her God was. So I wondered how a God that's so great could do such an evil thing and take her away. But now I know. As I sat here and listened to the preacher preach, I knew why God chose to take her life" Tatiana's words trailed off as she began to cry. "I know this sounds crazy, but God himself told me. He said that He took her life so that I could have life; eternal life in heaven. So that I could see Big Momma again. Because where I was going when I died, Big Momma wasn't going to be there." Tatiana and the congregation began to weep heavily.

  "That was the first time I've ever heard God's voice. I now know what my grandmother was trying to tell me for years; that He's real," Tatiana admitted. "God is real."

  "Hallelujah," a woman yelled right before falling out. "I finally have peace with God," Tatiana said. "I no longer have that hate. That's rightI said hate. I was mad, hurt and disappointed in God. And I felt that way all the way up until just a few minutes ago. As I pulled up to the church and saw the line of cars, the overflowing parking lot and the sanctuary so packed to the point they had to pull out folding chairs, I realize I'm not the only one that had love for Big Momma. I see all the lives she's touched and now I have a better understanding of what Christ meant to her. God is a good God and that is why He gave us such a wonderful woman. Big Momma has served her purpose here. She has done all that God has set out for her to do. Her soul was probably tired and ready, so He called her home. Thank you all for showing love for Big Momma; and thank you, God, for bringing my grandma home." Tears rolled down Tatiana's eyes as she walked back to her seat and every- one stood and clapped their hands.

  The choir began to sing and the church stood as the family began to exit the sanctuary. Right before the exit, at the church doors, sat a polished mahogany casket. Tatiana walked with caution as she approached the casket. This was the first time she'd seen Big Momma since her death. She was beautiful. She looked so peaceful.

  "I love you, Big Momma," Tatiana whispered, then took off her diamond cross pendent that Big Momma had given her. She placed it between Big Momma's fold- ed hands then walked away.

  The trip to the burial site was quiet and the service was quick. After the crowd left, each of Tatiana's girls came by to express their condolences. Instead of riding back in that suffocating car to the church, where food had been prepared for the family, Tatiana decided to ride back with Yardi and Kandi. But first, she asked her girls to just give her a little time alone with Big Momma, so they waited for her back at Yardi's car.

  "Oh, Big Momma, what am I gonna do without you?" Tatiana said softly. "Who is gonna love me and take care of me like you did?"

  "He is," a male voice said from a distance, starling Tatiana.

  When she turned around, Jo was standing there pointing up to the sky. "Jo? What are you doing here?" she said, surprised that he even knew anything about the funeral.

  "Why wouldn't I be? I loved Sister Geraldine just like everybody else did."

  Tatiana couldn't believe that he knew her grand- mother by her first name. But then it dawned on her that Jo was probably one of those drug dealers her grandmother had encountered and tried to convince to get out of the game.

  "I didn't know she was your grandmother until I just saw you inside. So you're 'her baby,' which is the only name she ever referred to her precious granddaughter by." Jo smiled and wiped one of Tatiana's tears away with his thumb. "I'm just glad I can be here for you in your time of need," Jo said sincerely.

  "Don't try to make a move on me because you think I'm vulnerable," Tatiana said, feeling her same old snappy self taking over.

  "Didn't you learn anything from today's service?" Jo asked, frustrated with Tatiana's constant negativity. "Didn't you learn that when you stood at that altar and gave your life to Christ that you became a new person? You became a living sacrifice? Your old self died? You're born again. You get to start living again; the right way this time."

  Tatiana's entire attitude changed and she began to cry. Her hard heart began to melt away.

  "Let it go, Tatiana. Let it go." Jo hugged her tigh
t. "I know you've been hurt, but you can't blame everybody. There are some good men out here. Of course, I feel I am one of them, but there is one who is better, and you met Him today."

  Tatiana began to cry even harder.

  "That day I first met you and I called you on the phone, I told you that in the end, I was sure you'd realize you got a good man on your handswell, the man I was talking about wasn't me; it was God." Jo, rubbed Tatiana's back. "But don't take my word for it," Jo told her. "Like the preacher said, God is the only man you need. So that is your example of a good man. Find a man that has the characteristics that God possesses and that will be a real man-that will be a good man." Jo released his grip and faced Tatiana. "You hear me?"

  Tatiana nodded in agreement. After letting out a sigh of relief, Jo gave her another hug and then walked away.

  Tatiana put her head in her hands as she cried. She thought about what Jo said. She didn't know much about the Bible, but she did know the little bit that Big Momma had preached to her. She thought about what she knew about God. Well, God is a wonderful father. We're all His children and He loves us unconditionally. He's definitely a merciful man that always forgives, and a man that knows how to heal a broken heart. He's a man that can feel my pain and hear my cries without me saying one word. He's a protector, a provider, and a teacher. He will force me to walk, but will carry me when I'm weak. Everything that Big Momma ever said about the Lord ran through Tatiana's mind. But one thing in particular stood out. It was something Big Momma would always say to her whenever she felt she was hurt by someone who she'd trusted not to hurt her. Trust no man. Trust only in God.

  "Tatiana," the preacher rested his hand on her shoulder.

  Tatiana quickly dried the tears from her eyes before looking up.

  "I know you feel alone now that Big Momma is no longer here," he told her, "but I wanted you to know that you always have a home here at our church. I would like to invite you to become a part of our church family. I think we can provide you with much needed love and support. Besides, I know my grandson, Joseph, would love to see you there. I just saw you talking to him."

  Tatiana looked at the preacher in a peculiar way "Joseph? I don't know any Jose" Tatiana's words trailed off and then she thought for a moment. "Do you mean Jo? He's your grandson? He attends your church?"

  "Not only does he attend the church, but he's head of the youth ministry. You wouldn't believe how many young souls that boy has captured," the preacher explained, shocking Tatiana even more.

  She couldn't believe that Jo-Joseph-was the person her grandmother had spoke about them meeting at the church. Even more so, she couldn't believe that she had mistaken Jo for a drug dealer. But the way he looked and the way he talked, Tatiana thought. It was like he was one of us; from the streets. No sooner than that thought left Tatiana's mind, she remembered her grand- mother one time telling her about an apostle in the Bible named Paul who would allow himself, like a chameleon, to be like those who he was amongst preaching to. If they were weak, then he would be weak. She figured Jo must have had those same characteristics.

  "So can we look forward to seeing you one Sunday?" the preacher asked Tatiana.

  "Thanks for the invitation. I will definitely be there," she promised.

  "I'll look forward to it." He shook Tatiana's hand, then left her to have her final words with Big Momma.

  Before Tatiana could even part her lips for one last good-bye, a feeling of extreme guilt rushed over her. For some reason, that night with Kandi popped into her head. She felt guilty for turning to Kandi instead of turning to God in her time of need. She knew in her heart that relations with a woman would not take away the anger she felt toward men nor the hurt and pain. Then Tatiana felt guilty that she had prejudged Jo. She assumed because of his appearance; the way he walked, talked and dressed, that he was the average thug off the streets. She figured that not only did a sinner not have to look a certain way, but neither did a Christian for them to be loved by God.

  Tatiana's eyes roamed down to her Versace shoes. "Maybe if I would have spent more time with you, Big Momma, and less time in the streets trying to get money for crap like these shoes, you would still be here. Don't think I didn't know how you never fully slept until you knew that I had made it home safely. I know I didn't always listen to you, and at times I made you worry, but one thing I can promise you, Big Momma, is that I'm gonna change. I know you thought none of the things you used to preach to me mattered, but it did. Some of the stuff really stuck with me. So starting now, right at this moment, I'm gonna take my first step. I'm letting go, Big Momma. I'm going to put my barrier down and give God a try. I know I've got a long way to go, but this is just my first step. There's gonna be plenty more changes to come. Besides, it's gonna be pretty hard for me to get away with stuff now that I know you're looking down on me. Just know sometimes you're gonna have to close your eyes until I get this thing right. Okay? Love you!"

  Tatiana kicked off her shoes, hugged the casket and picked one of the roses from the spray that sat on top of it. She inhaled the sweet aroma and then walked away, knowing that she would be okay, just as long as she trusted in God.

  THE END

  BACKSLIDER

  by

  KaShamba Williams

  PROLOGUE

  The Lust of the Flesh

  "No stop this isn't right," I panted, riddled with guilt as my legs straddled widely on the leather seats of Duvall's heather metallic grey 2005 Dodge Durango. No, this wasn't right at all. Duvall was a God-fearing, married man. And here I was, me-taken over by the Jezebel spirit-writing him a ticket that was gonna send him straight to hell for sure.

  What was I doing? Where had I gone wrong? At some point during my walk down the path of righteousness, I made a wrong turn. But at what point? I had been doing so well. I thought I had been a sinner, turned Bible toting Christian, for long enough to be able to have control over my flesh. Heck, I had even led my boyfriend, Justin, to the altar to be saved. And although Justin's and my relationship had stood its share of time on shaky ground, since finding the Lord, our relationship had been going quite well. I loved Justin; I really did. But there was just something about the power in that man of God named Duvall that just had authority over me.

  Despite our act of adultery and infidelity, Duvall and I truly loved the Lord. "Hypocrites," some might say. No just a couple of backsliders.

  At this moment, though, as we engage in a sin that carries the same weight as murder, nothing seems to matter to either one of us except reaching a most pleasurable climax. It was too late to turn back. We were both in this thing way too deep.

  Duvall's chestnut brown eyes locked with mine. I couldn't seem to read them though. Every time I tried, the thin layers of his eyelids closed down, as if, on cue, keeping me from looking into his soul; a soul that he knew was at jeopardy.

  It was late, very dark, in the secluded location we referred to as, our spot. Our hiding place was deep down in the Pocomoke state creek park, directly underneath the over path. It was a secret place for our secret life, and although we knew it was wrong, we continued to meet knowing we were deceiving many.

  What would the saints of Tabernacle of the Living Word think if they could see the two of us now? After all, Duvall was Pastor Wyatt's right hand man - his armor bearer. As if that wasn't my first sign that this man was off limits-forbidden territory. In addition to that, he was married to the pastor's prized possession, award winning, beauty pageant daughter, Avoria. Yes, a hood wretch like me went off to church, got saved and fell in love with the pastor's son-in-law.

  Just when I thought I couldn't have sank any deeper into sin than that, not only did I lead Justin to Christ, but three months into his salvation, still trying to find his way and take direction from the men in the church, I set it up so that Duvall would become his mentor. Yes, I did it for my own selfish reasons. I figured that way, if Justin formed a relationship with Duvall, it wouldn't be out of the ordinary for me to have a rel
ationship with Duvall either. All those same games that work in the streets work in the church house too. Go figure.

  Since Duvall was a young, male leader in the church, twenty-seven years old, the same age as Justin, Pastor Wyatt agreed as well that it was best to pair the two together. Call it twisted, but having the pastor back my cause almost felt like having God on my side.

  I can only imagine what people would think of me if the truth ever got out. But I didn't meet Duvall with the intentions of having an affair with a married man. Well, not really. I met him on the strength of finding a good church home after leaving my former church home, Faith of Christ, where I was pretty much just a pew viewer. It was a place to go on Sunday mornings to repent for all the stuff I had done on Saturday night.

  Like my own personal, earthly savior, there was Duvall at my rescue, leading the way. Not only did I become a member of his church, but I also ended up getting somewhat of a leadership position in the church. They called it the Titus Women's Ministry. It just so happened that Avoria, Duvall's wife, was the overseer of the ministry. My role was to keep the young ladies in line - on the straight and narrow - guide them down a positive path and help them overcome adversities. I was supposed to teach them how a lady is supposed to act; be an example for them. Lord knows I was the last woman in the church those young ladies needed to be looking up to right about now. But God has a sense of humor. He was going to use me as an example alright.

  Temptation was at her best, 'cause she got me, in the form of Duvall. Just watching this man minister to others in the church was amazing. He had this power that could lead Satan himself to repentance. The power this man had over me was that power Ashanti described in her song Baby, Baby, Baby. It was a stronghold. It had me shackled. Had me bent. Had me so far gone.