by Joy, E. n.
Well, this particular weekend, I couldn't wait to see how my family would adjust and react to Justin lodged on my inner arm. I was truly eager to find out what they'd think of him. He wasn't the typical man I'd date. About two and a half inches shorter than me and I was ready for the 'little man' jokes.
Before Justin, I had never dated a man that I couldn't at least see eye-to-eye. And from my experiences with Justin, using expensive cars, a luxury home, and the finest jewelry to captivate women, I came up with the conclusion that he had a short man's complex. What he lacked in height, he definitely made up in weight - paper weight.
For the last five years, Justin had been a Union Supervisor at a legendary motor company. Every bit of his checks were over $3,000 per pay and he toyed with stocks which were 60% in his favor. He was loaded. He had a four bedroom $315,000 home, which only he occupied in the suburbs. Me, I rented a two bedroom apartment in the city, but in an area that was considered for the 'well to do'. My job wasn't quite as generous or prestigious, but I did make good money for a single woman without kids: $41,000 annually, which included my bonuses. Both of us were blessed with the opportunity of owning luxury cars. I had a '01 E-Class Mercedes Benz 4matic and he had a '06 S-Class 500 Benz. So whenever we met up, both of us looked and smelled like money.
My cousin Angie was the first to greet us in her green, Mills, Dickerson, and Hairston family reunion tee. Since I was a decedent of the Hairston family, I also had on a green tee, as well as Justin. Yes, I made him represent the fam.
"Well, well, well, who's this young man, Semora?" I could see Angie's mischievous smile like, "No, you didn't bring this man to the family reunion for us to beat up on."
"Uh, Angie, this is Justin," I said. She had never met him before, so she only knew of Justin what I had told her. And the last things I had told her weren't too nice. So unfortunate for Justin, Cousin Angie had already formed an opinion of him, and it wasn't a good one.
She looked Justin up and down. "He's a bit short isn't he?" Angie asked. "And that's the man that had you crying and falling out at church? Humph!"
I liked to died when Angie announced that loudly, standing in the walkway near the oversized pavilion area with about fifty of my relatives tuning in. Justin held his tongue though, although his butter brown complexion was beginning to get flushed from embarrassment.
"Hey, cousin," I smiled, and commenced to introduce her to Justin. "This is Justin, my man," I exaggerated in order to give her the sign that we were back together so to lay off.
Angie stood with tranquil eyes, and with one hand on her hip, she checked Justin out to acknowledge his being. "Your man, huh? When did you and Mr. Justin get back serious?" she asked. I gave her an uncomfortable smile and swallowed. "Well, is he saved?" Angie kept investigating.
"Hey, where's the food?" I asked, trying to redirect the topic of conversation.
Cousin Angie looked me up and down. "Girl, it looks like if you eat another donut, you gonna turn into Mrs. Dunkin, baby." Now she was blasting on me. "You get- ting plump. You ain't pregnant are you? You know for- nication is not of God. You can't bring a bastard baby in this world. And, I thought you were practicing celibacy? That's what you told Bishop before you left. Don't tell me that uppity Pastor Wyatt is telling you that it's okay to sin. When y'all getting married, 'cause from the looks of it, he's pumping you up good."
"Mmm, hmm," Glenda Mills, one of my other older cousins, that wasn't saved, rang out. "Look at those hips. He sure is spreading them."
Saved and unsaved, both of them had folks laughing their butts off as they called themselves ridiculing us. But they meant no harm. That's just how my family was when they got together. Every year somebody was going to be the target. This year it was me and Justin.
I leaned forward and kissed Cousin Angie on her cheek then whispered, "You are embarrassing me. I'm not pregnant, and no, he's not saved, but he will be."
Instead of her whispering back, she commented for Justin and everyone else to hear. "Baby, do you know Jesus? 'Cause if you don't, you better get to know Him. God is good."
Right after she said that, two or three other relatives rang out, "All the time!"
I could see the other elders in the family waiting for their chance to drill at me. And truly, it was the first time I'd seen little man clam up. The only words that came out his mouth were, "Hello, it's nice to meet y'all." And I could tell that was a lie.
For a while, we managed to dodge all of the questions since we became occupied with overseeing the games for the kids. I'd never seen Justin so active and involved with kids. It made me think that all that pillow talk we had while we were dating about him not wanting kids was a bunch of mess.
Most importantly, we dodged the, "When are you two getting married?" question again; as if the only way to live holy was to be married. Neither one of us spoke about the "M" word. We weren't nearly there. At this point, we were trying to pick up the pieces, and with God's help, we could.
Chapter Nine
Let the Church say Amen
On the Sunday after my family reunion, Justin accompanied me to church. The Sunday prior we had gone to Cousin Angie's church as part of the family reunion activities. But it wasn't church as usual; not with my crazy family. It was real laid back. Justin tried to get out of coming to my church by saying that he had kept his word and attended church with me, but I told him it had to be my church.
We entered the sanctuary with him interlocking my arm. It was truly a powerful moment for Justin and me to be in the house of the Lord together. Sometimes I sensed that he was running from God in order not to accept his position as the man God intended him to be.
An usher led us towards the front of the sanctuary on the first level. Justin seemed a little nervous about being in church; as if there was some protocol that needed to be followed and he didn't know the protocol.
"Are you okay?" I troubled him every fifteen minutes to make sure he was content.
"Yes, now can you stop asking me that?"
"Okay!"
Duvall walked side by side with Pastor Wyatt when they entered the room, embracing his role as Armor Bearer. Even from a distance, I could feel him watching me. And I was certainly watching him. Every time he entered the sanctuary with Pastor, he walked with such power and authority.
"That's Pastor Wyatt right there." I tapped Justin and pointed for him to see.
"I see him, Semora. Would you chill?"
I was trying to chill, but my insides were jumping. I wondered if Justin could ever be as anointed as Duvall.
Would I see him the way I saw Duvall; a protector, a chosen man?
Please let Justin just accept God, I silently prayed. Give him the strength and power to hold me up in the areas of which I'm weak in. I needed someone to help pull me away from Duvall's strong hold. It was obvious that I couldn't do it on my own.
An hour and a half into the sermon, Pastor Wyatt finally made the altar call. In a danceable rhythm, I gave praise to God when Justin accepted the call. I don't know if he did it hoping to get closer to me, or if Pastor Wyatt's sermon had really moved him. Or maybe God was answering my prayer. Whatever the reason might have been, this could be a new beginning for us all.
Saints in the church were clapping in their excitement of seeing a child of God that wanted to be reborn. When Justin made it to the front, with high regard, Duvall stepped down from his station and stood in sup- port of Justin.
I prayed his motive was as positive as mines. If it wasn't, Pastor Wyatt's sincerity was enough for all of us.
"Son, all the Lord asks is for you to take one step and He'll do the rest," Pastor told Justin. "You did your part by taking that step down to the altar, and all you need to do is confess to the Lord that you accept him in your heart and that you will do your best to live righteous.
Are you ready to do that, son?"
Justin nodded.
"Spread your hands." Pastor Wyatt looked out to the congregation and requested our assistan
ce. "Those of you who know the Lord, stretch your hands out in faith for this brother."
I lifted my hands out and held back the tears of joy. Avoria smiled and winked in my direction from the choir box as she began to sing.
Justin repeated after Pastor Wyatt, accepting Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior. Pastor then gave him a brief word of encouragement. "It's not gonna be easy, son, but I want you to find a good church home. We'd love to have you here. And I'll tell you what, I'll even pair you up with my Armor Bearer. I believe you're about the same age, so he can relate to some of the things you have been through or are going through-Amen. He's a good, God-fearing man, walking upright. You need to be around positive brothers like him."
I shivered at the thought of my secret lover becoming my boyfriend's spiritual mentor. This madness had to stop. Both Duvall and myself were going to hell if we didn't make it right. Justin's soul was at stake.
I made up my mind that night that I had to end it with Duvall. The Bible says there is power in words, so I had to speak the sin in me out of my life. God, I hope it listens.
Chapter Ten
Temptation at Her Best
The following few months had been very interesting. Duvall and I had only been intimate one time since the day Justin turned his life over to Christ. Justin ended up joining the church, which meant pretty much every time I was at the church, or at a church function, so was he. Ultimately, that meant there was less and less opportunity for Duvall and I to be together. But it wasn't because we didn't want to; the opportunity just wasn't knocking as loud as it had in the past.
I was deep into mentoring the young ladies in my group and felt as if I was making so much progress with them. More and more I was feeling convicted by the preaching of the word of God and felt that if I didn't officially end my relationship with Duvall once and for all, our affair was going to blow up in our faces. It was like God was giving me a chance to have my own man in Justin with the same qualities Duvall possessed. Justin was little by little becoming that man I desired.
Duvall hadn't called me any, but I had seen him often, both in the church and hanging out with Justin. Go figure! We still communicated with each other, but no sack action. Besides, Avoria had been home a lot, more than she had been in the past, so I suspected that things were truly on point and she was finally able to balance her singing ministry and home life.
Justin was attending service regularly and I was beyond proud of him. Still, I hadn't allowed him to touch me. He'd gotten saved, but like most single folks, it didn't change the fact that he longed for intimacy.
One evening, Justin stopped by and in tow behind him was Duvall. It was quite awkward for me. Suspended in thought, I was wondering what Duvall was doing. Was he truly ministering to Justin or was he ultimately just trying to stay close to me as best and low-key as he could?
"Hey," I greeted them, allowing them inside. "What's going on?"
"We're planning a men's night out and I wanted your man to make sure it was okay with you," Duvall cynically informed me.
"Yeah, we were over my crib shooting pool for a bit, but I wanted to holler at you," Justin stated. "After we leave here, we're headed to the church to meet Pastor Wyatt. I want to get with you later. Answer your phone, 'cause you haven't been all day," Justin announced, coming over to tenderly embrace me.
Succumbed to them, I inspected my phone and the ringer was off. I had forgotten to turn the ringers back on after praying earlier. Duvall's eyes watched me as I switched the ringer back on.
"Girl, you better keep the ringer on before this man hurts you," Duvall ushered out. "You know better than that. He's been trying to contact you."
"Well, it's on now, so he can rest assured I'll answer his call," I retorted back pleasantly with a smile, admit- ting to myself that I had missed being with Duvall intimately.
"Is it okay to stop by later?" Justin asked pathetically.
"I'm a little bushed tonight. I had to work overtime with no break today. I'm cuttin' in early, so I'll get with you tomorrow."
"Man, you need to break some time off for a brotha. You can't keep running from me. I'm a man of God now," he praised.
"You got that right, bro! Semora, stop frontin' on ya man," Duvall emerged in a deeper tone.
The nerve of him! We chatted for another fifteen minutes before they decided to head off. I was so glad they were gone. I could breathe again. But my intuition told me that Duvall would be contacting me the moment he was free; especially knowing that Justin wouldn't be over here to intercept.
Sure enough, later that night at around 10:00 p.m., who was ringing my phone? Duvall.
"Meet me at our spot. I need to see you. I miss you. Man, you looked so good tonight. Meet me now, Semora.
I won't take no for an answer."
Terribly weak, I replied, "Okay."
I got off the phone trying to convince myself that I had only agreed to meet him because I needed to break things off. Needless to say, when I spent ten minutes deciding on what to wear, I realized that I had failed miserably.
***
I promised myself that this was it as far as Duvall and me. We weren't going to have a relationship any- thing other than a Christ-like one. I reminded myself the entire drive to "our spot" of my sole purpose of me meeting with him... to end this indecent affair.
"Just one last time please, Semora. I need you," Duvall begged after hearing me tell him that we had to officially break things off between us; whether the opportunity was there or not.
I thought it was best for us to end this before some- one found out and we were both exposed. Then that would mean I'd have to either leave the church, or continue going as if nothing ever happened between us. I knew I wouldn't be happy with either or.
"How can you deny me one last time?" Duvall begged. "I risked everything for you. My wife, my role in the church, and my Christianity. Doesn't that mean anything to you? Doesn't that show you how much I care for you?"
I began to cry. "We can't continue to live like this. I love you, too, but I love God more. The next time I'm intimate with someone, I want it be my own husband. I wish it was you, but I'd never ask you to leave your wife.
And now, you're friends with Justin. We both have too much at stake. Justin is a better man now. Our relationship is far from perfect, but I have to admit that I do care for him more than I ever have before. More than that, the church would never forgive me. I'd be letting down the girls." The words just began pouring from me soul. This time, I had managed to convince myself. "We can remain friends, but not lovers, okay?"
With his ears frozen to every word I had spoken, Duvall began planting soft, warm kisses from the nape of my neck to my lips, so convincingly that I couldn't resist his enticement.
Duvall kissed me with vengeance as if he was upset at me for wanting it to end. Still, it felt pleasurable.
This is the last time, I promise, I told God, and then I closed my eyes and gave in to my fleshly desires.
***
Duvall sat in the seat next to me with his shirt unbuttoned and his pants still undone. I sat in my bra and pants, searching the car for my shirt. It was now over; not just our sexual encounters, but everything was over. Everything that should have never started in the first place.
"Semora?" Duvall spoke softly.
"Yes, Duvall," I said as I looked over to him, taking a break from my scavenger hunt for my shirt. I could tell by the melancholy tone of his voice that he was about to initiate our saying good-bye.
Duvall opened his mouth to speak, but then all of a sudden he froze. I sensed something was wrong from the look on his face. He was concentrating; pondering as he gazed beyond me.
"What?" I asked a bit startled. Then suddenly, I allowed my eyes to follow his gaze. Just as I turned to look out of the window, I saw the figure that had Duvall stiff as a board. There stood Pastor Wyatt. Not only was it Pastor Wyatt, but there was a shadow standing behind him.
I can't describe the look of horror that
covered my face. We'd been caught, and there wasn't anything I could do to ever erase the memory of Pastor Wyatt staring at me, sitting there in my bra.
I scrambled to find my shirt, which was laying in the back seat. I grabbed it and put it on over my head.
"Duvall, button up your shirt and your pants," I ordered him, even though we'd already been seen.
He remained silent, probably afraid of the possibilities of his future. Rather than panic or become worry prone, I sustained myself and slowly leaned over to open the door.
"What are you doing?" Duvall yelled, paralleling his arms in front of me to keep me from opening the door.
"I'm going to my car so that I can leave. There's no need to hide; Pastor caught us, Duvall, and you can see he's not going anywhere," I said, pointing in Pastor Wyatt's direction.
Pastor Wyatt stood commanded with burly disappointment. His arms were restricted, pretzel style.
"He's going to confront us, so we might as well get this over with," I told him.
I guess my being too calm and cool got the best of Duvall, because the next thing I know, he blew up with venom. "You set me up, didn't you?" he spat as he hit the automatic lock on the doors so that I couldn't get out.
"What?" I couldn't believe the words that were coming out of his mouth; or his tone.
"You heard me. You set this all up, didn't you?"
"I'm not even going to believe I'm hearing this." I continued my plight towards opening the door, but Duvall grabbed my arm and held on tightly.
"You little trick. I can't believe I fell for this. You're just like all the rest."
"All the rest?" I said, stunned. At that moment my heart sank into my stomach. How many more were there? Was this something Duvall did on the regular?
