Before We Say Goodbye

by JN Welsh

  Almost two hours later, she and Nigel still hadn't said a word to one another. Flor and Riley had given them a playlist to listen to but they hadn't even touched the radio to fill the silence they both needed. Their words had cut again. Their relationship had gotten so careless that they argued in front of their friends.

  Olive stared at the coast through a combination of the driver's side window and the windshield. Her and Nigel's argument had drained her and she now drew energy from the ocean with its powerful tide. Well-built, tanned surfers commanded the waves, and trailers lined the Malibu beaches. Now in Santa Barbara, regal and lush with palm trees, she absorbed the sights like medicine. She'd rolled down the window as did Nigel and the sea breeze calmed her even though her thoughts still crept back in.

  She glanced at Nigel who focused on the road, but every so often glanced out at the ocean. His jaw had finally relaxed and his scruff was building. He'd only been in the sun for a day but was tanned to perfection. His long, dusty lashes were as blond as the hair on his head but lighter than that on his face. Even now, she could rinse her eyes with Nigel all day. She hugged herself in her seat and grief filled tears leaked from her eyes. She still loved him so much it hurt.

  She leaned against the window and rubbed away any tears that may have made it passed her lids.

  "Are you cold?" Nigel asked. His eyes dropped to her hand. She followed his gaze to her chest as she fiddled with his wedding band, now a pendant around her neck, rolling the gold over her fingers.

  "No. I'm just tired." Tired of fighting the inevitable. How she didn't weep in her seat was a mystery. She was lost in this new territory. She closed her eyes and prayed for the strength she'd need to prepare herself to let her husband and the father of her children go.

  Music came out of the speaker. The song was more bliss and slower in tempo than the electro house music they’d listened to the day before. Perfect for a road trip. The music brought back fonder memories of her and Nigel and also pushed away the self-defeating thoughts that swirled in her head.

  Come, take my hand. The lyrics floated in the car and she repeated the phrase like a meditation mantra in her mind.

  She opened her eyes and found Nigel's tender gaze on her. He checked the road before his eyes returned to her. He fisted his hand around the steering wheel until his knuckles cracked. He hesitated, and then offered her his hand.

  The bass of the music tempted her as she stared at his beautifully bronzed gesture. She gave in and the connection created delicious warmth that thawed the chill between them. She knitted their fingers together, covering both their hands with her other hand like a blessing.

  Nigel heaved a shaky breath. Olive swore he was relieved and identified the same feeling melting her own tension. They held hands until Nigel had to maneuver the roads. By that time Olive's hand numbed.

  Half-hour later, they stopped at a gas station for drinks, a few snacks, and a much needed potty break. They didn't discuss their pit stop responsibilities but rather fell into their old roles. Olive got the snacks and Nigel pumped gas. She grabbed his favorites, paid for them and returned to the car. She leaned against the car door, waiting for Nigel to return from the restroom and drinking from a water bottle. Nigel exited, lugging a case of beer with a young woman in underwear resembling shorts and the skimpiest string bikini top Olive had ever seen. The woman trailed behind him as he hauled the case to her car.

  The woman ran her hand down his arm. "Thanks hun." The ring in the woman's voice was more an invitation than parting words. "You sure you don't want to come with us?"

  Olive noted the additional women in the car.

  "I'm covered." Nigel pointed to Olive's staring figure.

  The woman followed his reference and Olive was tempted to wave.

  “Oh.” Beer lady’s surprise and disappointment rolled into one.

  Nigel didn’t linger. "Take care."

  He approached the car. Olive’s eyes followed his every move and recorded his every reaction.

  "Hun, huh?" Olive asked.

  Nigel smiled. "She needed help."

  Sure, Olive thought. She was able to carry a case of beer, no problem.

  "You jealous?" He teased.

  "Of Little Miss Short-Shorts? No.” Her bigger threat was the one she couldn’t see. The one Nigel caressed and bedded when he travelled.

  Nigel opened the door for her and she slid into the car. He hopped into the driver's seat.

  "Why? Because you don't care if another woman wants me?" he asked as they pulled out of the station.

  On the contrary, it had kept her up at night when Nigel was too tired to even touch her. Olive searched for some witty come back. When none came to mind she settled for the truth. "No, because I had always trusted you."

  Nigel didn't have a retort. Her words were true. She had always trusted him but the piece of her that speculated about how he was being satisfied drove her to the extreme. The hand only went so far and with their troubles and distance, how could she be sure?

  "Nicest thing you've said to me today." His words weighed heavy as rocks.

  "I wasn't trying to argue with you this morning, Nigel. You like to share and our friends know pretty much everything about us, but it's perfectly fine to keep some things for ourselves."

  "I didn't mean to betray your trust, Olive. I don't intentionally try to upset you, but it happens sometimes."

  She bit her lip. "I said some things that I shouldn't have...that weren't...they weren't nice. For that, I'm sorry."

  "I'm sorry, too." Nigel again gave his full attention to the road.

  This was how it used to be with them when they communicated—easy, vulnerable, and respectful. Maybe being together for longer than a few jam packed days before he jet off to work or more recently a few rushed minutes when he spent time with the kids, had actually helped. Perhaps not having the children or a home to tend to, and being away together, opened them up to talking and listening. Olive was grateful for it, even if it was too little, too late. Was it too little, too late? She didn't want to be hurt if she hoped for anything more.

  They drove for a while, taking in the scenery and munched on a few light snacks.

  "Look there." Nigel pointed to a trail they'd taken when they had cruised through Pismo Beach.

  Years ago, when they had taken this drive, she and Nigel had gone on a bike ride one afternoon. They'd gone off the beaten path and hiked up a bit until they’d come across a thick of Birch trees. They'd been completely alone and had made love with only the trees, a few animals, and insects as spectators.

  Olive’s back had been pressed against a distressed white tree trunk with her leg draped over Nigel's shoulder as he’d buried his head between her legs and pleasured her. Even now she sensed the scratchy bark against her back. Nigel had wanted her naked in the natural setting, after his "one with nature moment" where he'd stripped out of his clothes.

  She shivered, recalling each lick of his tongue, each bite, every kiss, and the way he'd pumped into her until her screams echoed into nothingness. When he'd bellowed his arrival in her neck, she'd stroked his wet hair. Both of them had dripped with sweat from the warm weather and exercise.

  He tapped her chin. "Remember?"

  She didn't mean to bite her lip when she nodded but she did. "How could I forget?" The air was cool but her skin was on fire. The heat between her legs was so acute that she double-checked to make sure her seat warmer setting wasn’t on high. She wondered if he felt it, too.

  "We were so free. It felt so natural to be out there naked with you. Fucking you against that tree."

  "Nigel." She blushed like he had spied on her thoughts as she reminisced.

  "What? Isn't that what we did? Fucked each other's brains out, naked in the wilderness? Can't I tell the truth?" He smirked.

  Olive swallowed desire. "It's not…it's just that…there are so many powerful memories." Her pulse was out of control. "You can say whatever you want."

  "I really loved fucking
you, Olive." His seductive tone was dusted with humor.

  She couldn't help but laugh. "I did, too."

  Quiet settled between them for a few miles before Nigel spoke.

  "Want to grab lunch in San Luis Obispo?"

  "Why don't we check if that farmer's market is open? We can get some fresh fruit and street food," she responded.

  "Sure let's try it," Nigel suggested.

  When they got downtown, they parked the car and walked about a quarter mile to where they had visited the farmers market. After the hours of driving, Olive was happy to give her legs a little stretch. She wished they’d had time for a hike but they were on the clock. They asked about the farmer's market and found out that it only happened once a week in the evening and they had to be in Carmel by nightfall.

  They settled on a gastropub and sat at a garden table outside.

  "There's your fresh fruit." Nigel pointed to her watermelon and feta cheese salad.

  "And there's your street food." She motioned to his burger and fries. "It's prettier than any burger I've ever seen." Nigel had ordered a jalapeno, egg burger with a mixed seed bun. It was big and gorgeous. Knowing Nigel, he'd eat all of it.

  "Want to try?" she asked and pointed her fork at her plate.

  "Yeah, I'll try it."

  Olive gathered some of the salad on a fork for a perfect bite, cupped her hand underneath, and moved the unit in his direction. She only realized she was feeding him when Nigel's eyes widened at the gesture. She started to retract her hand when he snagged hold of her wrist and brought the fork to his mouth.

  "It's tasty," he noted.

  "Right?" The response sounded too overzealous even for her. She urged herself to tone it down.

  Nigel's smile spread like sunshine across his face with every chew as he watched her. "Here." He cut a quarter of his gooey, succulent, and spicy smelling burger, and put a piece on her plate.

  She was thankful that he didn't feed her. She fixed the sloppy piece and took a bite. She closed her eyes. "Mmm. That was a good choice."

  Nigel licked his lips. "Definitely."

  A server came and poured more water for them.

  "Why didn't we ever take this trip again?" She pondered.

  Nigel sat back in his seat and placed his palms on his thighs. "You're kidding, right? I've asked you at least a dozen times over the years to take this trip with me."

  "It was a rhetorical question, Nigel. We had the kids." Olive’s body wanted to flair into anger but they were communicating and that was different.

  "The kids would have been taken care of. We just needed to make the commitment to each other to go." He laced his fingers over his abdomen.

  "You were traveling for work already. Taking another trip away from the kids didn't seem like a good idea. Then when we did plan and we had to cancel for your job, I’d had enough." Olive took a bite of her salad. The sweetness of the watermelon and burst of tangy cheese moistened her drying mouth.

  “I should have never let that happen. I just never expected you to withdraw the way you did. Maybe getting away would have helped us..." he paused, "...avoid this."

  Guilt weakened her jaw. "I was trying to be a good mother."

  Nigel again focused on his food. "You're a great mother, Olive." But, not a great wife, hung in the air.

  "When you'd come home, I always tried to make the perfect home for you and the kids, so it would feel like you were never away. But you were gone so much... missed so much. I wanted to take on more responsibilities at work, and travel, too. I... maybe, you’re right. A trip might have helped but we were trying so hard and kept failing."

  "We both should have tried harder." He gave her a somber half smile.

  Their waitress returned. "Ready for the check?"

  "Yes, please," both she and Nigel replied.

  They finished their meal and Nigel settled the bill.

  Chorro Street buzzed with tourists. She and Nigel blended with the traffic strolling toward the car. Olive was pensive about what Nigel had said and replayed their past conversations in her head. She tried to put herself in his shoes and to consider how he must have felt when she'd denied his request that they travel together. She reached for his hand and Nigel almost slowed to a stop.

  "The rules." She pulled him with her.

  "Yeah."

  Untitled

  CHAPETR NINE

  * * *

  San Simeon hadn't changed much since they were last here. Nigel hadn't changed much either because as he ran with some of the children, also visiting the elephant seal vista, he was the funniest thing on two feet. The location was put on the divorce list for Nigel because he had some strange, endearing love for the animals. The first time he saw them, a tear had escaped his eye and Olive knew that the elephant seal would be his favorite animal.

  "Aww, sweet cream." She had wiped his cheek. "You love them."

  "They're just so fat! The way they belly waddle up from the water and how the sand moves, it's terrific. They sun bathe and they stink. I love it," he had confessed with an accent so thick she barely understood him. Though the experience had been emotional for him, Olive had been in stitches. Her man had been so cute and filled with childlike wonder. She had wished she could bottle the moment.

  Now here they were again. Nigel still loved his seals and ran to get a spot where he’d watch them for as long as time would let him. Olive caught up to him and he stared in awe. There were only about six seals and they didn't smell too bad with the ocean nearby and the wind blowing south.

  Nigel sniffled and wiped his nose with the back of his hand. "I haven't seen them since...well, a few years ago when I had that job in Bakersfield."

  "You came here on your own?" she asked.

  "Yeah."

  Knowing how much Nigel loved the seals and that the first time he had seen them had been a shared experience between them, she felt like the world's worst wife.

  From behind, she squeezed Nigel around his middle.

  "Whoa." He patted her hands.

  "I should have been here with you." Olive pressed her forehead into his back.

  People around them stared like they did. Sometimes because of their obvious skin color contrast but this time, she believed it was because she and her husband clearly shared an emotional moment.

  An hour later, Nigel, though reluctant, was ready to go. "We still have to tackle Big Sur before dark." He laced his fingers with hers and they strolled back to the car with Nigel stealing his last glimpses of the elephant seals.

  They headed up to Big Sur and as they neared the narrowing single lane road, mortality and perspective hit her nerves.

  "Be careful," was her abrupt plea when the vehicle before them resembled one of her daughter's toy cars, against the mammoth Santa Lucia Mountain, as it drove up the hill.

  "You said the same thing the last time and we made it to the other side in one piece." Nigel proceeded.

  Her heart raced and it was worse than being on a rollercoaster because there was no way for them to get off or back up. "It's this one part that freaks me out."

  "And the Bixby Creek Bridge," he noted.

  "Thanks for calming me down a bunch, Nigel."

  He laughed and accelerated as the car climbed up the big hill. Olive held onto the dashboard.

  "Lord Jesus, please look after us," she prayed.

  Nigel's laughter filled the cabin.

  "Focus on the road," she sang, more to calm down than anything else.

  "I forgot how beautiful it is up here." His head ping-ponged from the road to the ocean. "Look."

  Olive regarded the water and though her heart raced, her spirit expanded with the view. Living inland and two hours from the coast, her sentiment soared with the expansive scene. "I wish the kids were here to share this with us.”

  "They'll see it one day. We'll make sure they do," he promised.

  The car started to level out from what felt like a ninety-degree angle to an incline closer to sixty degrees.


  "Camping here was amazing. Remember that chick we met with the messy locks and her boyfriend who rode that beat up motorcycle? Damn they were like that groovy, moon type of cool." Olive reminisced.

  Nigel smiled. "Totally groovy cool. They made us those bliss balls we were certain would make us high but they were just really nutritious eats."

  "Everything everyone offered us we thought was going to get us high." She laughed. "I guess it was our youthful mindset." Olive had learned so much from watching that couple. The woman had said that she and Olive had gotten along well because they’d known how to go with the flow. Gee, how things had changed.

  They drove for an hour, stopping at vistas to take in the sights. At each vista, the view of the ocean with its hidden beaches and coves was stunning. The natural wonders had tourists and locals alike, snapping away to capture their memories. Nigel snapped a few photos of her and selfies of them both.

  "The view is so beautiful up here." Olive stared at the whitecaps below. She moved her long locks around her body to rest in front of her.

  "Yes, beautiful." Nigel agreed, his voice deep and sure.

  She expected to see him admiring the ocean but when she met his gaze, her stomach dropped like she'd been thrown off of the summit of Big Sur. In the past, this would be a moment for her to kiss him or for them to rush off somewhere for a quickie or just to share a sweet moment between two people who knew each other better than anyone else. But they were here because they were separated and had to complete the divorce list to end their marriage, and now he was flirting?

  "Are you playing with me, Nigel?"

  "What do you mean?"

  "You know what I mean. We're separated and we're on this trip so we can…take the next steps. I don't want to hope...or be made a fool of when this is over."

  "I'm not playing with you. I've told you how beautiful you are to me countless times since the day we met. Us being separated doesn't change that fact." He touched her shoulder. "No matter what happens, we have a friendship unlike any other and amazing kids we'll always share. Can we focus on that instead of overanalyzing everything?"