Before We Say Goodbye

by JN Welsh

  "Uhh, so do I Nigel, but my question specified the best part."

  He smirked and again pondered her question. Kissing her had been one of his favorite moments, as did all the memory surfing they had done.

  She leaned in curious. "I'll keep your secret. Come on, tell me."

  “Being here, right now with you. Being able to look at you and not have you hide from me or only see anger and disappointment in your eyes. Talking, doing enjoyable things together again and dare I say, making new memories. It feels familiar, like home."

  He didn't know what she thought about his answer, but by the way her jaw hung, he’d hoped that she understood the emotion that swirled inside of him. He loved his wife, and desired her. Olive's conversation held his attention and he sought her humor. They'd become a team very quickly in their relationship and it was an element that had the most impact on him.

  "Nigel—"

  "I know it's kind of silly but—"

  "It's not silly at all.”

  "I'll always look out for you, cookie. You and the kids. You know that, right?" He didn't mean for his question to sound so desperate but it did, even to his own ears.

  Sadness weakened her features as she nodded, pulverizing his insides. She gave him a gentle smile. He waited in the hopes that she'd share more but the waiter returned with their server, interrupting them and poured their wine.

  "Your first course," the server decorated their table with plates of food. "Enjoy."

  "Thank you." He addressed the waiter but kept his eyes on Olive. She had peeked from behind the emotional barrier she had fortified when they began this journey. He hoped that soon she'd emerge, completely, and come back to him.

  Chapter Ten

  Olive had perked up during dinner even though Nigel's vow to always look out for her brought the reality of their situation so fast to the forefront that she determined she’d aged a decade.

  "I had fun today and dinner was just how I remembered," Nigel called to her in the bathroom.

  "Me, too. Funny how this place hasn't really changed, huh?" She slid into her pajamas.

  She unraveled her hair. Her scalp was so relieved from the wrapped style, and her neck from the position of the weight atop her head, that it helped relax the rest of her body. She massaged her scalp with Ronnie's Oil and the lemon rich fragrance soothed her inside and out.

  "Yeah. We have though, haven't we?" he responded, watching her as she handled her hair in the doorframe.

  "We grew up." Olive continued to work her fingers over her head.

  A soft chuckle rumbled from Nigel’s chest.

  “What?” she inquired.

  “Seeing you do that reminds me of wash day and how I used to help you with your hair.”

  Nigel’s admission delighted her. During their years together, he learned more about black women’s natural hair than he would ever have need for. He’d help her wash, condition, deep-condition, twist her locks, and smooth her edges. The funny part was he thoroughly enjoyed the hours spent on the process and was always ready to assist her neaten up her locks.

  “Wash day was the bomb.”

  “You’re so ridiculous, Nigel.” She laughed. “You were on point as an assistant, though. I always fell asleep while you massaged my scalp like a pro.”

  “I can do it for you now if you’d like?” he asked.

  She swooned at his throaty suggestion.

  “It’s okay. I’m done.” Olive returned to the bathroom, finished her nighttime rituals and hurried to join Nigel by the bed for their kiss. "Ready?" she questioned, betrayed by how eager she was to get their kiss documented.

  "Hang on." Nigel fiddled with his phone. Once the camera was poised and ready, he met her gaze. "Okay."

  She leaned up to meet his lips, which was her first mistake. Memories of their day and their past swirled together. Her mind clung to the images as she lost herself in the sensual caress of Nigel's lips against hers.

  Nigel weaved his fingers into her locks and moaned, deepening the kiss and fanning the kindling fire between her legs. Their lips melded into each other as Nigel's tongue swirled in her mouth, and explored the secret spots that sent her soaring. The timer on the video rang and Olive gasped for air. She didn’t want to stop and neither did Nigel by the way he playfully tongued her lip. His mouth mapped a wet path to her neck where he suckled. She ran her fingers through the blond mess of hair on his head and enjoyed the scratchy resistance from the scruff on his chin against her face. He dropped his phone to the bed and pulled at her loose fitting pajama top. Her heavy breasts jiggled out, calling him for attention. He obliged, gobbling her flesh until he popped one nipple in his mouth while kneading the other.

  Drugged by his touch, Olive begged. "Yes, please, yes." He slid her pajama bottoms down her legs until she stepped out of them. Nigel yanked his shirt over his head and she did, too. She tugged on his shorts as he ran his hand over her breasts and the gold chain that hung at her neck. He held tight to the wedding band she guarded.

  Did this mean something to him or did he want to have his cake and eat it too? She didn't want to believe that he wanted one last nostalgic romp only to pack the rest of his shit and leave her and the kids behind.

  "Hurry, Olive," he pleaded.

  He pulled his pants down and his dick was so hard it bounced out, in search of her. She stepped back with hesitation. Her movements jerky, her body naked, and as vulnerable as he was standing in a puddle of clothes around his ankles.

  Her head moved slowly at first until it sped up emphatically shaking, no. Fear veined through her.

  Nigel tripped out of his pants to reach for her and pulled her close. "No baby. Don't stop. Don't deny me...us."

  "What are we doing?" Her palms formed a shield against his warm chest. "We can't do this."

  "Jesus, Olive stop overthinking everything. I just want you." His words carried the bite of rejection.

  She bristled. "Overthinking?" She walked across the room and yanked on her robe. "So, let me get this straight. You want to fuck me and then when this is all over divorce me? Is that why you didn’t want to dissolve the agreement?"

  "Oh, come on. We had a great day. No matter how much you want to deny it, you want me, too. There is still something...more than something between us."

  Part of her wished for some romantic tale to unfold, something to reunite this fire they once had. Things hadn’t been a complete disaster, mainly because she’d pushed the final outcome and her suspicions in the back of her mind, and had thought about her friends taking time off to do this. But most of all she wanted to be happy again. She wanted Nigel to be happy, too, even if that meant permanently parting.

  "We've always had chemistry. That hasn't changed. But we don't understand each other anymore," she said.

  "That's bullshit. What was today? We're friends, parents. We have a fucking connection."

  His aroused physique was distracting but there was more at stake than Nigel's potential blue balls.

  She squinted her eyes at him. "Why do you keep trying to make me surrender? I'm trying to make this easy for you."

  "Easy for me?" He frowned. "Explain."

  "Do you even give a shit about how confusing this is? How it affects me?"

  "You want me and I want you. Not so confusing." Nigel jerked his shorts up.

  Olive followed suit and dressed. "We have to do this trip so we can divorce. I get that when we were younger we had hopes but we had no idea how hard it would be to do this. How harsh life could be on a marriage. Sex, no matter how friendly or how infused with memories doesn't change that we’ve gotten to the point where we’re separated."

  “We can change it.”

  She marched toward the bathroom.

  "Run away, Olive. Without the kids here, I guess that's you're only option," Nigel called after her.

  She spun around. "Have you ever thought that I'm taking this trip for you. So that you can be happy, so that you can have the freedom you're obviously seeking but don’t
have the balls to ask me for?"

  His jaw clenched. "Freedom? What are you talking about?"

  "Oh my God." She rubbed her face. "Why else would you agree to separate if it's not to be free of me and to do what and whoever you want?"

  Nigel stuttered but spoke no answer and his face rouged so fast. He avoided her stare down and it was clear to her that her worst fear might be true. Whether it was in the past or currently, there was someone else. She couldn't bring herself to ask him the question out right and hear the truth. She still clung to her ignorance and suspicion because if he said, “yes, I cheated on you,” then it might just kill her.

  "When I came home you didn't give me any of your attention. You shoved the kids at me in this crazy attempt to make up for lost time. We'd been roommates for a long time."

  Dead air hung between them.

  "We always did what was best for each other, made sacrifices for one another," Olive said. "I made mine for you, Nigel. I lived where it made sense for our family and sacrificed travelling and working side by side with clients to work from home and raise our kids."

  "And I made mine for you, working my ass off to provide for our family," he said. "Maybe, in our attempt to make those sacrifices, we viewed our marriage and family through warped glasses."

  "Yeah, maybe."

  They had no more steam left.

  "I'm going to bed," she said, knowing that sleep would never find her, especially sleeping next to Nigel. They were always drawn to each other, but their problems went beyond the physical. She didn't want to be left standing in the rain with her heart in her hand offering it to Nigel while he walked away. She'd already experienced that kind of devastation the day he moved out. She didn't want to keep getting hurt.

  They slid quietly into bed.

  "I never wanted this for us, Olive."

  Her nose started to run with the threat of tears. "Me either."

  Flor was holding her head when Olive finally came down to meet up with Nigel and their friends as they readied to leave Carmel.

  "Somebody did a little too much cheering up last night," Olive scolded. "Where's Riley?" She searched the immediate area but Riley was nowhere in sight.

  "He and Nigel went to return your car. We'll be traveling together today to keep you on schedule," Flor declared.

  This morning when they woke up, they hadn't said much to one another. The moment it came time to capture the good morning kiss, things had changed. When they kissed it was worse than their first time in Playa del Rey. Olive may as well have kissed a glass window—flat and cold.

  She didn't question the renewed distance, just packed her bags. Nigel left with little discussion about where he was going and now she was here with an ailing Flor.

  Needing to busy herself, Olive tried to be helpful. "You have water. Did you take ibuprofen or something for you head? Can I get you anything else?"

  "No mami."

  "You need to eat."

  "I know but the thought—" Flor dry heaved.

  "You need to get it together before we start driving or you'll puke all over the damn windshield."

  Though pale and green, Flor tried to smile and groaned.

  "Let me get you some ginger ale."

  Olive found a vending machine by the icemaker in the inn corridor. She returned with a bottle of ginger ale and another bottle of water and handed both to Flor who thanked her.

  "How did last night go? We had so much fun hanging out and—” Flor stifled a belch "—you and Nigel seemed so much more in sync."

  "I had fun, too. Our drive up was great. Mauricio's was phenomenal," Olive stated.

  "And last night when you guys got back to the inn. Any more sparks or—"

  "Flor stop," Olive said. "You got the kisses in the app. Isn't that enough?"

  "What happened, chica?” Flor sipped her ginger ale. “You're so uptight."

  "I'm not uptight," Olive mumbled. "I don't want to open up something that will make it so much harder in the end when Nigel and I part ways."

  "Why it gotta end?" Flor slurred and Olive thought her friend might actually still be drunk but she was making too much sense in her conversation thus far. "If you want a different outcome, do different shit," Flor encouraged.

  "You don't understand Flor. Giving into...anything is going to complicate things."

  "So what if it does? If you want a divorce, keep with the resting bitch face, but all I'm saying is that it ain't over 'til you both sign. You’re separated. This is the period where you can still work shit out. You’re allowed to change your mind, Olive. If you still want him to be your husband, you have to leave it all on the table. You can try and fail but at least you'd have no regrets." Flor swallowed a bit more of her soda. "You know what I'm saying?"

  "Yes, but—"

  "This is for you and Nigel. You created this a long time ago to ensure that if things got to this point you'd have a fighting chance. It would suck to waste it, don't you think?" Flor's phone rang and she checked the caller ID. "Work. I have to take this."

  While Flor was on the phone giving directions and kicking butt, Olive considered her words. She loved Nigel and always would, but even if she wanted to try to keep their family together, she didn't want to be a pathetic bitch chasing after a fairytale ending. Her ego was playing her.

  Flor pointed to Riley and Nigel lazing up the path from the parking area. Olive marveled at the handsome pair.

  "The chariot awaits, equipped with a puke bag for this lush." Riley jutted his head toward Flor.

  Flor gave him the finger as she finished up her phone call.

  "Feeling better, Florencita," Nigel teased.

  "I'll be fine. Olive got me a ginger ale. It's helping."

  "All right then. Let's be out." Riley rallied. "We'll hit up a spot for a grab and go breakfast."

  Olive stole a glance at Nigel whose eyes scanned everything except her. He had been her everything and she couldn't even communicate her deepest desires anymore. Her shoulders slumped and she kicked rocks all the way to the car.

  "Damn, hurry your ass up OJ. You're walking like you're trying to find a grain of sand in a pile of dirt," Riley jeered.

  "I'm coming. Bossy ass," Olive grumbled and pretended to kick dirt at Riley.

  They piled into the car and headed out. They stopped at one of Carmel's eateries for eats and were again on their way.

  Nigel and Olive were in back and Riley, once again, assumed the driving position.

  "You guys gonna tell us where we're going?" Nigel asked.

  "We're kind of making a circle here to do 17 Mile Drive to Pebble Beach. You guys didn't give us any instructions. It just says, 'Go to the spot where commitment was made. You know what to do.' That's all we got," Riley explained. "Does it make sense?"

  "Yes, it does." Olive met Nigel’s emotional hazel eyes.

  "We know what to do."

  Chapter Eleven

  They traveled down the pathway over the rocks bypassing green plants and yellow flowers, making their way down to the huge boulders that met the ocean. The waves crashed against the rocks and water sprayed up into the air. The display rivaled the emotions that hurtled within her chest. The call of seagulls, answering the inquiry of elephant seals perched en masse upon a huge mountainous rock, carried into the air.

  She followed Nigel as he made his way over the granitic rocks to the larger boulders closest to the ocean. They climbed over and up, until they were almost to the water. They hopped from one perch to the other until they got to the one that was familiar and meant the most—the one where a large part of their future had started.

  Nigel helped Olive up until they were two together standing at the crest of the rock. The ocean rumbled and vibrated as it hit against the rock. The wind was heavy and nearly toppled them over.

  "Do you remember the last time we were here?" he asked.

  "Yes." Olive's heart pattered both from the height of the perch and all its meaning.

  "What do you remember?" He smiled.


  "Nigel." She breathed and her nose itched with the threat of tears.

  "Olive?"

  "Your crazy ass proposed to me here."

  "And I still have the scuffed up knees to prove it. But I didn't care. All I wanted was make you the happiest woman alive that day and all the days to follow."

  The wind thrashed them as if punishing them for ruining what they had and for letting their problems get this far.

  Nigel finally spoke. "I failed you."

  Olive almost lost her footing, and her flip-flopped feet curved to the rock. Her fingers wrinkled his shirt and knuckles grazed against a softer version of normally defined abdomen. No doubt the result of less home cooked meals since he'd moved out.

  "I don't know Nigel. If anything, we failed each other."

  Here, on the beach, her lungs filled with ocean air and her purview spanned the infinite distance of the water, altering her perspective. She loved the home they had built together and her children meant everything to her but and altered her perspective. She’d given up her career dreams and desire to live in a bigger city to have a family because that was what she wanted. Without Nigel or their connection, none of it made sense and she tried to fill the void with dreams that deep down she knew could no longer compete. For the first time in what felt like ages, she saw him. She felt the vines of their broken connection enlivening and stretching to bond, reaching to build upon what was.

  Was this what our younger selves hoped would happen?

  Between the breeze whipping into her face and being this close to him, breathing was a challenge. She tried to decipher his feelings but the sun peeked from behind the left side of his ear, nearly blinding her.

  "God, Olive, I wanted nothing more than to be your husband and make babies with you."

  He grazed his thumb against her cheek. Wetness smeared across her skin.

  Damn sun had her tearing. She sniffled. "How did we get to this point where all we do is hurt each other?"

  His hand held her waist, steadying them both, as another gust of wind hit them. "We stopped loving each other."