Gabe paused. “Maybe, in a way, I can do for them what I wish I could have done for us.” The cold rain on his skin soaked through his clothing, but it felt good. It was needed, cleansing. “I’m going to do it for you, sis. Always for you. And I’m going to try and fix things with Vic… I think you’d want that.”
Gabe took a deep inhale, kissed the piece of cement that marked his little sister’s grave, and walked towards his car. He had to get to the hospital, meet up with Jason, and get his shift started.
***
THE WORLD FELT LIKE it was spinning, like the dam that Victoria had built in her head had been struck with an earthquake and all of the emotions she’d locked away behind it were leaking out, flooding her mind and drowning her heart.
Gabe. Freaking. Matthews.
She shoved him out of her mind as quickly as she could, building back up those walls she’d spent the last seven years laying brick by brick around her heart. Soaked from the rain, she spotted her destination: her parent’s house.
Victoria ran in through the front door, shrugging off her jacket and hanging it on the hook by the door. She looked around her childhood home, small and humble, reminding her of her country beginnings.
“Mom?” she called. “George?”
Her mother and stepfather called to her from the kitchen, and she rushed in to greet them. Seeing her mother’s smiling face, golden eyes, and deep brown hair, she couldn’t help but feel warm inside. She pulled her mother into her arms and embraced her.
Next, she turned her attention to her stepfather, George. Tall with broad shoulders and a goatee, George had the kindest eyes she’d ever seen on a man, and she instantly felt safe again as he squeezed her against his chest.
Sitting down on the wooden stools around the kitchen table, both Victoria’s mother and George had smiles branded on their faces, and Victoria couldn’t help but smile back in return.
“How was your day, honey? We’re so happy you’re back home!” It was her mother who spoke first. “We didn’t think we’d be seeing you until tomorrow!”
“I’m happy to be home!” she quickly answered. “My day was good. I’ve been finishing setting things up down at my office. Everything’s looking really good! I was nearby and figured I’d pop in today, instead.”
“Oh, we’re so happy to hear that and so happy to see you!”
“So is that where you were before you came to us? Your office? Is that why you’re soaked?” George asked with concern in his voice.
“Oh, no. I, uh, I went to the cemetery to see Amy,” Victoria said, feeling her emotions threaten to break down that wall again if she let the image of Gabe’s face back into her head.
“Honey, you look like you’ve seen a ghost… is everything okay?” her mother asked.
“Y-yes. I ran into Amy’s brother, Gabe. I haven’t seen him in a very long time.” Victoria saw the look on her mother’s face as worry ran through her. Victoria’s mom was her other best friend, and she knew everything. Including how Gabe broke her, though she may not have known the details…
“Gabe Matthews? What a guy,” smiled George.
Victoria felt her face scrunch at her stepfather’s remark. “What does that mean?”
“Well, I’m not sure if you remember, but he used to work in IT,” George started. Of course she remembered. Victoria remembered every piece of Gabe Matthews, including all the pieces she wished she could forget.
“He’s an EMT now, but he still comes down to the club once or twice a month and fixes up any problems we’re having. Totally free,” George smiled. “Kid won’t even let me give him a beer as a thank you.”
Victoria felt her heart warm just a little bit. She didn’t like it.
“I thought you stepped down from the club,” she said, changing the subject.
“Eh, yeah. I stepped down,” he made air quotes around those words. “I founded the organization, I built it up from the ground. I mean, yeah, I handed over the leadership so I could relax a bit, but those vets? They need me. I’m down there at least 2-3 times every month.”
Victoria laughed at her stepfather. “You just can’t say no to people, huh?”
“These men laid down their lives for their country, and they come back here to get fucked.” His eyes widened. “Sorry, screwed. They come back here, they need help, and they don’t get it. We all owe them our lives. The least I can do is give them my time.”
Victoria stared at her stepfather, admiring the man before her. He was the man every little girl needed in her life to look up to. She only wished her mother had met him sooner, before the damage had already been done. Where would she be now if she had been born to George? Taught from babyhood that a man should be good and kind and honest, should take care of you and protect you, should never leave you feeling unwanted or unworthy? She shook away the thoughts.
“Speaking of the club, Vicky, are you seeing anybody?” Victoria’s mother spoke.
What? “I’m not seeing the relevance here,” Victoria said, more of a question than a statement.
“There’s a young man who has been working at the club, and George and I thought you’d really like to meet him. He’s fairly new to town, and while this is your home, you’ve been away so long… well, you don’t really know as many people as you used to. It could be nice!”
Victoria mentally rolled her eyes, but she schooled her expression. Her parents were trying to set her up with somebody? Had her life really gotten that sad?
“I don’t think so, mom.”
“I think you should.” Victoria’s mom lifted her eyebrows. While the move meant nothing to an outsider, Victoria knew exactly what she was saying. Mothers and daughters just had that hidden telepathic connection. Or, at least, Victoria and her mom did.
Victoria’s mom was telling her to move on. To stop pining over Gabe and find somebody else, already. And she was right. That’s exactly what Victoria had to do. She had made something of herself, fulfilled her dreams, and now it was time to settle down and have a family, with a man like George, a man who was simple and reliable and could always be counted on. That’s exactly what she would do to prove to everyone, herself included, that she was truly over Gabe, that he hadn’t broken her all those years ago, that she really had moved on and kissed that innocent little girl she had been goodbye. It was time.
“Okay,” Victoria said, nodding and looking between her parents. “I’ll give it a chance.”
***
THE RAM WAS THE ONLY part of Gabe’s old life that he hadn’t said goodbye to. It didn’t matter a bit that the thing was eight years old, it ran beautifully. Gabe drove down the winding streets that surrounded the cemetery, heading towards the freeway so that he could get to the hospital for his shift with Jason.
As he drove the familiar roads, his mind drifted to Victoria. The same attraction was still there that he’d felt that night they slept together. All the years did nothing to curb it. Gabe had to admit, he’d tried to convince himself that it was the booze, or the dress, or the makeup. Something that would easily explain it.
But seeing her there, in plain clothes and with barely a speck of makeup, Gabe still felt his body react instantly to her. Not good.
He was pulled from his thoughts when he saw Jason helping out at the back of an ambulance. He parked and lept from the pickup, running towards the scene to help. When he saw who was being unloaded, his heart sank in his chest.
Cheeks were sunken in, dark circles under his eyes and not even a tiny bit of white left, but he still had the same blue eyes he’d had all those years ago, and despite the dirt in it, that was still the same blonde hair that drove so many girls crazy.
“Nick? Fuck, Jason! This is Nick! I know him!” Gabe’s heart nearly burst from his chest. He could feel his pulse in his throat, and years of training didn’t do shit. He lost his mind.
Hands closed around Gabe’s biceps, pulling him from the gurney. He looked into Jason’s dark brown eyes, wide with worry for his partner. Nick was
on that gurney… Nick was being taken into the hospital. Nick needed him. He had to go to Nick…
“Gabe. Right here.” Jason’s voice was calm and relaxing, contrasting the tight grip he had on Gabe’s arms. “I’m going to need you to breathe, buddy.”
Gabe started to shake his head. Jason didn’t get it. He’d have to explain again. It was Nick… he had to help Nick.
Gabe’s head was spinning, bringing him back to the last time he’d seen Nick. They’d had a blowout… Nick told Gabe that he was a loser who didn’t know how to have fun anymore, and Gabe told Nick that he was a useless junkie… And now…
Gabe shuddered. He had tried to reach out to Nick, desperately, tried to get him help and reconnect with him over the years… he failed… and the last conversation he’d had with Nick face to face, Gabe had told him that he was a useless fucking junkie…
Jason’s phone buzzed, and he released Gabe’s left shoulder to check it. Gabe watched him mouth “shit” before putting it back in his pocket.
“He’s gone,” Jason said solemnly. “I’m sorry, man.”
Nick was dead. He was gone.
Gabe nodded his head and gently pulled back from Jason, who reluctantly let him go. He looked to the ground and wondered how many people had died out here in this parking lot. Too many. Too fucking many. Gabe knew that. He’d witnessed at least a dozen of them.
“We were buddies. Childhood friends. Got into some bad stuff as we got older, you know?” Gabe watched Jason eye him like he was a wild animal, unstable. He wasn’t. Gabe was used to seeing his friends die. “Nick never really liked the stuff, but I pushed him a bit. I could hold my liquor better, but fuck, he tried real hard to keep up. I think it became a challenge for him in the end.”
Gabe looked up at the cloudy sky, rain still falling, though much more gently, now. “When my sister died, I decided to clean up my act. Be a better person. Stop fucking around so much.” Mostly the truth. “So, I stopped drinking. I stopped partying. I stopped screwing every woman in sight. I thought Nick would stop with me.”
“But he didn’t,” Jason nodded, knowing how Nick’s story ended. Knowing how all of these stories ended.
“He didn’t. Turns out while I was wasting my life away being a fuck up, Nick was getting seriously fucked up. I tried to help him, but shit, I had so much going on. I lost my sister. I lost my family. I didn’t even know who I was when I was sober.”
Gabe let a breath of air escape his lungs. In truth, he and Nick had grown in different directions. Gabe knew it was his fault that Nick got into the mess he got into, but Gabe tried to help him. He’d spent a whole year fighting to get Nick clean.
Nothing worked.
He heard about eight months ago that Nick had started sticking a needle in his arm. He reached out to him, but his number was no longer in service. He thought about stopping by his house, but he knew it wouldn’t do any good. People don’t want to be saved. If they did, they’d save themselves. Gabe knew that all too well.
Because I pushed away the only girl I ever actually felt something for because I wasn’t ready to get better, yet.
“Let’s get on with our shift,” Gabe muttered.
“Listen, man. I’m sure we can find someone to cover you.” Jason’s face still held concern, and without thinking, Gabe laughed at it.
“I made a lot of choices in my life. I’ve seen a lot of people I was close to hurt because of those choices. But they were still my choices and I’ve got to live with them. Giving up my business and doing this? That was a choice, too. A damn good one. So let’s get on with it. We have people who need us out there.”
The corners of Jason’s lips slowly pulled into a smile. He nodded at Gabe.
“Let’s go, man.”
Gabe followed Jason. His friend. The last one he had left.
I’m sorry, Nick.
Chapter Four
“THIS REALLY WASN’T necessary,” Gabe smiled at Michael’s mom, Stacy.
He sat at their kitchen table, a hot plate of eggs, bacon, and potato hash in front of him. Across from him was Michael, who still looked like he was half asleep from the night before. But hey, what kid wouldn’t look that way at 9:30am on a Saturday?
Stacy sat between them, her auburn hair pulled back into a ponytail and a line of dark blue over her eyes. She was probably ten years older than him, in her mid-forties, right around the age his mom was when Gabe first started getting into trouble.
“Oh, please,” she placed a hand on Gabe’s forearm, smiling. “We are so happy to have you.”
Hell, Gabe wouldn’t argue with a home-cooked meal. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d had one of those. He stabbed his fork into a piece of potato, bring it to his mouth.
“So, Michael. Are you excited to be going to the meeting with Gabe today?” Gabe nearly choked on his food. Yes, the teenage boy would be so excited to go to a meeting for substance abusers first thing on a Saturday morning with a 34 year old stranger. What a way to spend a morning.
“Really, mom?” The sarcastic look in the boy’s expression made Gabe smile. “Pumped.” He continued playing with his food, pushing it around in his plate, but refusing to take a bite.
“Michael,” Stacy said sternly.
“Listen, I wouldn’t be excited, either,” Gabe jumped in to rescue his new pal. “Hell, I’m not excited.”
Michael’s eyes opened wide, and Gabe swore this was the first time all morning he’d seen any life in the kid. Perfect. Keep going.
“We do what we’ve got to do so that we can do what we want to do. Alright, bud?” Gabe raised an eyebrow. “You don’t gotta like it, you’ve just got to do it. And fuck, kid, do it well.” Gabe cleared his throat and remembered the woman seated beside him. “Sorry about the language.”
Stacy began to lecture, typical parent move, but Gabe knew exactly what Michael needed. He caught Michael’s eyes and smiled, and, just as he’d hoped, the kid smiled right back at him. What Stacy had to realize, is that she’d push him further by doing what she naturally felt inclined to do. Michael needed something else. He needed what Gabe had, and Gabe was happy to offer it: the support of someone who had been through it. No sugarcoating, no lecturing, no tiptoeing around things.
“We really have to get going,” Gabe said. “We want to get good seats after all.”
Gabe winked at Michael. The kid smiled.
“Alright. Let me walk you boys out,” Stacy said, standing up from her chair.
When they got to the door, Stacy placed a hand on Gabe’s arm. He paused. Michael was a few steps ahead of him, and turned back around.
“Door’s open, bud. Hop right in,” Gabe called to him.
Michael nodded and went to the passenger side door. Gabe turned to face Stacy.
“Thank you, Gabe. Really.” She smiled weakly at him, and he could see the worry in her eyes as she tried to keep herself from looking away.
Gabe placed a hand on her shoulder and gave a small squeeze.
“You don’t have to thank me,” he said quietly. He waited until her gaze lifted and met his again. “He’s going to be okay. I’ll make sure of it.”
She pulled him into a hug, and he gave her a quick pat on the back before pulling away. He gave a quick smile and then half-jogged to the truck, hopping in and turning his key in the ignition.
Gabe cursed. “When did we get to 9:55?” No way his clock was wrong. “We’re going to be late!”
Gabe hit the gas, and from the corner of his eye, he saw Michael nervously putting on his seatbelt. Gabe swallowed hard, his past coming back and pushing its way into his head. Deep breath. You’re not that guy, anymore.
He tapped the brake and slowed down. Being late wouldn’t be the end of the world.
***
FOUR PEOPLE SAT IN the chairs before her. There were three three empty seats, as well ten more folding chairs leaning on the wall of the closet at the back of the room.
The first person to enter the room was Jimmy, a tall gan
gly man with stringy blonde hair and a short beard. He wore clothes that were clearly two sizes too big for him and sat in the chair in the front left corner of the room.
Next, a couple. A man and a woman, both looking to be in their late twenties. The man, Greg, was well put together, wearing a collared shirt and black slacks. His wife, Lori, looked a bit disheveled, but her brown hair was pulled back neatly into a bun and her face looked youthful and soft. They both sat opposite Jimmy, on the two end chairs on the right side of the room.
Finally, a young woman named Mary, who sat one chair to the left of Lori. Her eyes were big and brown, matching her dark hair that was cropped right at her shoulders. She had on a baggy sweater and leggings, and quickly folded her legs into her chest while sitting on the chair, notebook in hand and looking eager. She did not make eye contact with anybody in the room except for Victoria.
Checking her watch, Victoria saw that it was ten on the dot. She was nothing if not prompt.
“Welcome, everyone,” she said, walking to the front of the semicircle. “Thank you all for coming. It’s a huge step to be here, one you all should be proud of taking.” Victoria smiled, making eye contact with George, then Lori, then Mary, and finally, ending on Jimmy. She paced slowly in the front of the room, not nervously, simply to move and keep the attention of everyone in the room.
“This group is to provide support for those who suffer with addiction or problems associated with substance abuse. We’re not here to judge, or to fix. We’re here to get to the root of the problem, develop an understanding of ourselves and what brought us to where we are, and, most importantly, to find healthier ways to cope with the world around us and within us.”
Victoria paused, surveying the room. Jimmy’s expression had not changed, and he was clearly high on something; he reeked of alcohol. Lori nervously chewed her lip, a habit Victoria had spent years trying to break for herself, while George stared up at her, eyebrows raised and patiently waiting for more. Mary stared down at her notebook, scribbling things down while trying to keep an eye on Victoria at the same time.
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