“Let me finish.” She held up one hand and moved closer as she continued, her self-loathing bubbling to the surface. “Then, when I fell on the ground in a pathetic weeping heap, he kept telling me what a whore I was. That I was trash. He kicked me in the stomach a few times, until I thought I’d vomit or pass out. He might have actually killed me if he’d been a little less drunk. My mother finally pulled him off me and distracted him long enough for me to drag my bleeding ass up to my room.”
“Son of a bitch,” Gavin seethed between clenched teeth. “I knew that bastard did something to you. If the cops hadn’t shown up when they did, I could’ve gotten him to tell me what happened and where the hell you went.”
The frustration that laced his voice was matched by her own.
“They didn’t know where I ran off to, Gavin,” Jordan said wearily. “No one did. No matter what you did or said that night…they couldn’t have told you anything.”
Gavin winced and folded his arms over his broad chest. The look of hurt etched into his features was almost more than Jordan could bear. After she’d run away, part of her believed that Gavin wouldn’t care or that he’d get over it quickly enough in the arms of Missy Oakland. But now, seeing the wounded expression on his face, his pain from that day bubbling back to the surface, fresh and raw, Jordan knew how wrong she had been.
There was no longer any doubt that she had hurt him more deeply than she’d ever realized.
“After my parents fell asleep, I threw what I could into a bag and I left. As for why I didn’t get in touch with you? I was hurt, Gavin, angry and humiliated.” Her voice wavered but she fought for control, refusing to collapse into the pathetic weeping mess she’d once been. “You were the only person I trusted, and you had told me what an idiot I was for having dreams of a different life. It felt like a slap in the face.”
“Damn it, Jordan.” Hands on his hips, Gavin swore under his breath and his mouth set in a tight line. “When you talked about going to the city and being an actress, that scared the ever-loving shit out of me. Can you understand that?”
“Now I can, yes. But—”
“No.” Gavin held up one hand, stopping any further protests on her part. “You had your say. Now it’s my turn.”
“Alright,” Jordan said quietly. “I’m listening.”
“When you told me what you wanted to do, all I could think was that I would lose you. And that terrified me. I know now that I should’ve told you that. But back then I was a stupid eighteen-year-old kid and I got angry instead of being honest with you or myself about how damn scared I was.”
“I’m sorry, Gavin,” Jordan whispered in a barely audible voice. “I don’t know how many times I can say it until you’ll believe it. I can’t undo the past any more than you can.”
“Fair enough,” he said tightly. “But I’m not finished.”
“Go on…”
“Okay. I can understand now, after hearing all of this, why you left that night—but why didn’t you come back, Jordan?”
“I was—”
“Scared?” Gavin scoffed. “Don’t give me that, Jordan. I would never do anything to intentionally hurt you.”
“I know that,” she whispered.
“Granted, I may have reacted badly that night, but after everything calmed down, why didn’t you call me then? A month later. A year? Damn it all. I know this was before everyone had a cell phone or was posting their every waking thought on Facebook, but you still could have called or written me a letter. A card or something? I can get my head around why you went away.” His voice dropped to a whisper. “But why the hell did you stay away?”
“Because of Suzanne.” Her cheeks heated with embarrassment, recalling how easily she’d believed the lie. “And Missy.”
“Suzanne and Missy?” he asked with genuine confusion. “Huh? What the hell do the two of them have to do with anything?”
“About a week after I left, when I’d finally cooled off, I called Suzanne to feel things out. I knew I wouldn’t be able go home but I thought maybe you…” Her voice trailed off as she struggled to keep her emotions in check. Even after all this time, the memory of hearing that lie still stung. Bitterness and frustration edged her voice, which hovered above a whisper. “She told me you were too busy screwing Missy Oakland to even notice I was gone.”
“What? That’s bull,” he seethed. “How could you think that I would hook up with her? Come on. Missy Oakland? Hell, Jordan, I didn’t want anyone except you.”
Jordan put a finger to her lips and pointed upstairs, referencing the girls. The last complication she needed was to have them hear her fighting with another man. Gavin’s mouth set in a tight line, and his shoulders squared as he wrestled with his own set of frustrations.
“Shit.” He hissed the word on one long, slow breath and ran a hand over his face. Jordan knew exactly how weary he felt, and the gruff, raw sound of his voice tugged at her soul. “Listen, the morning after our fight, I went out to your parents’ place to apologize to you. I almost got my ass arrested when I got into it with your father because I thought he was keeping you from me. I-I thought he’d hurt you. Aside from all of that, I would never have touched Missy Oakland with a ten-foot pole back then—or anyone else for that matter.”
“I know that now but at the time I didn’t,” Jordan said quietly. “I thought Suzanne was my friend, so it never occurred to me that she’d make up something like that. But obviously I was wrong…I was wrong about a lot of things. I guess I should’ve known she was lying. She always did have a thing for you.”
“I should tell you… I did date Suzanne a couple of years ago,” Gavin said flatly. He shifted his weight, as though uncomfortable with his admission. “It was right after I moved back to town, but it didn’t last long because she’s as crazy as I thought she was in high school.”
“It’s fine.” Jordan held up both hands, preventing him from telling her any gory details. “Really. It’s okay. I already know. Maddy told me about that.”
“Right.” Gavin cleared his throat and stuck his hands in his pockets. “But nothing happened with anyone after you left, Jordan. Hell, I had to join the damn army and leave town to try to get you out of my head.” His voice dropped to a gravelly whisper, and his glittering gaze slid over her face. “Hell of a lot good that did me.”
“Like I said,” she murmured gently, “I know now that it was a lie.”
“But how could you think that I—”
“Really?” she responded quickly. “And how could you think that my wanting to be an actress in New York would mean leaving you?”
He opened his mouth to respond, but shut it and simply nodded his understanding.
“Okay.” She sucked in a deep breath as some of the tension eased from the room. “With all of these facts in mind, what on earth did I have waiting for me here? As far as I knew, you had moved on with Missy, and Maddy was still overseas. Going back home wasn’t an option. What did I have to come back to? Nothing. So I stayed in the city and got a waitressing gig. A couple years later, I met Ted, which is a whole other conversation. And I’d say marrying him was a complete mistake, but it wasn’t because it gave me my girls. They are the best thing that ever happened to me.”
Jordan held out both hands, daring him to tell her she was an idiot for doing what she had, but he said nothing. Struggling to keep her voice even, she poked him in the chest.
“So there you go, Gavin. That’s why I left, and I’m sorry that I hurt you. I’m sorry I was a stupid, impulsive, weak, little girl who was so humiliated, she couldn’t even speak to her own mother for years. Now do you understand?” Tears filled her eyes and her voice sounded strangled as she fought the tide of pent-up emotion. “I did what I had to do to survive.”
Jordan waited what felt like forever for Gavin to say something. The sounds of the waves crashing and the dripping from the faucet echoed through the kitchen, marking the silent seconds that passed. What was he waiting for? Why in the hell wasn’t
he saying anything?
Damn it. Do something. Tell me I was weak. Agree that I was a coward. Anything.
Gavin stared at her silently and so intently, she thought that perhaps he could see right inside of her. Maybe he could. Shaking with adrenaline and a tsunami of emotions that were so overwhelming she couldn’t separate one from the other, Jordan tried to blink away the tears, but to no avail.
Gavin’s image blurred as his strong, warm hands cradled her cheeks.
Jordan shut her eyes, and in spite of all the time that had passed, or the litany of reasons she shouldn’t, she let herself sink into his touch. The warmth of his hands, coarse from years of hard work, rushed over her face, and that simple expression of tenderness sent the tears falling. Exhausted and spent from finally letting it all out, she felt a shuddering sigh shake her shoulders as Gavin gently brushed the remaining tears away with his thumbs.
“I’m so sorry, Jordan.” He rested his forehead against hers. She gripped the damp material of his T-shirt, pulling him closer. If it were possible, she would have crawled inside his chest and stayed there, surrounded by the rock that was Gavin McGuire. “I’m so damn sorry I wasn’t there to protect you from your father. If I hadn’t acted like such a dick that night, you wouldn’t have run off like that.”
“I guess the old man was right after all, wasn’t he? Failed actress. Failed marriage.” Jordan fought the surge of self-loathing and swiped at her teary eyes. “And here I am, right back where I started, except now I have two little girls in tow.”
“You are not a failure.” Gavin tilted her face, forcing her to look him in the eyes. “Neither of us are kids anymore and we both made mistakes, but the past is in the past. And we can still have a do-over. How about it?”
Jordan wanted nothing more than to say yes, to wrap herself in his arms and remain sheltered there forever. But now, more than ever, it was important for her to stand on her own. As much as she wanted to run, literally and figuratively, into Gavin’s arms, she resisted. The idea of making yet another mistake that could impact her daughters was more terrifying than the notion of going back to Ted.
“I can’t, Gavin.” She pushed gently at his chest and slipped out of his embrace. His expression hardened briefly, his arms falling to his side. She took another step back, increasing the distance between them in more ways than one. “I have a life to rebuild and two little girls to raise. The ink is barely dry on my divorce papers—and please, don’t get me wrong, this isn’t about Ted. I don’t love him anymore and the truth is, I probably never did. Not really.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
“Getting involved in a relationship, sex, and all that goes with it isn’t a smart idea. At least, not right now. I have to show my daughters that I can stand on my own.”
“Who said anything about sex?” he asked all too innocently.
Jordan said nothing but gave him a narrow-eyed look as she squelched the giggle that threatened to bubble up. He always could get her to laugh at the most inopportune moments.
“Okay, okay. I might have thought about it, but to be fair, I didn’t say it.” Gavin nodded slowly and slipped his hands in the pockets of his shorts. As he studied her intently, that lopsided grin bloomed again, bringing out that mischievous-looking dimple. “Then we’ll be friends. That’s how we started, so that’s how we’ll finish.”
In a flash, he reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear before holding up a quarter between two fingers.
“Just friends. Deal?”
Part of her wanted to scream yes and the other wanted to yell hell no.
God help her, she was a conflicted hot mess. She wanted Gavin every way that a woman could want a man, and a huge portion of it was dripping with lust. The needy, moan-inducing, curl-your-toes kind of lust. But giving in to that base animal instinct would not be smart. It would only be confusing for her and him, and that wouldn’t be good for her girls.
Jordan resolved to shove aside the gnawing physical attraction and take the friendship he offered. Even if the affection-starved woman inside of her begged her not to make such a stupid damn deal.
Without a word, and remaining calm—like a duck on the pond, she thought, gliding along with her feet moving furiously under the surface, while trying to keep her head above water—Jordan held out her hand to accept his offer. Gavin inched closer and placed the quarter in her palm. He drew his hand away slowly, and the pad of his finger trailed over hers in one tantalizing pass.
Friends? Yeah, right. She didn’t have any other friends who made her want to strip them naked and climb them like the Himalayas. She was opening her mouth to answer him when Lily’s voice called from upstairs.
“Mama, will you read us one more story before bed?”
Saved by an adorable little bell.
“I’ll be right up,” Jordan called without taking her eyes off Gavin. Closing her fingers around the quarter, she murmured, “Deal.”
“Good.” Gavin stepped back abruptly and wagged one finger at her. “And don’t try to get me into one of those friends-with-benefits deals. I’m not having sex with you, no matter how much you ask. We’re only going to be friends. That’s it.”
“Oh really?” Jordan laughed and shook her head as she followed him to the front door. Standing in the foyer, she held the door open for him and delighted in the sweet, silly side of him that he rarely showed the rest of the world. “Well, I’m glad we got that cleared up.”
“Me too.” Gavin slipped out the door and trotted down the steps. “It’s such a relief to know that we won’t be sleeping together. That will make having lunch with you tomorrow so much easier. You know? No strings attached—an only friends kind of lunch.”
“Lunch, huh?” Jordan leaned on the edge of the doorway as he strode toward his car. “At the shop?”
“Okay, it’s a date.”
“Gavin”—she laughed—“what are you talking about?”
“See you around noon,” he said as he climbed into his truck. “I’ll bring sandwiches and you get some drinks.”
His headlight beams bobbed through the early evening twilight as he backed out of the driveway, illuminating the tall grasses along the edge. Jordan let out a sigh of relief. Closing the door, she flipped the lock before leaning back against the smooth, cool wooden surface. Looking around the open, airy house, with the comforting scent of the ocean air filling her head, Jordan felt safe for the first time in years.
Chapter 9
“Are you gonna stare at that sandwich or eat it?” Gavin asked, finishing off the last of his turkey on rye. Jordan sat ramrod straight on the bench next to him with her gaze pinned to her half-eaten ham sandwich. “Jordan?”
“My father still doesn’t know who I am,” she said quietly. Long strands of blond hair blew around her with the rush of the warm summer breeze. “I’ve been going over there every day after work, you know. The girls stay downstairs with my mother while I sit with him, and I keep waiting for something. For some kind of awareness or a flicker of recognition. Something that would tell me he remembers how awful he was, how terrible he was to my mother and me.” Her voice was quiet but shook with frustration. “To tell me he’s sorry… I want to hate him,” she whispered. “But I can’t.”
“Okay,” Gavin said slowly. He shoved aside the urge to pull her into his arms. Apart from the fact they were in the middle of the park, he didn’t think he could stop with a simple hug. “So why keep going over there? Let it go.”
“You know what the craziest part is?” She squinted against the sun. “In spite of everything…I still love him. Believe it or not, he wasn’t always such a bastard.”
She let out a shuddering sigh as a breeze whisked over them, lifting her hair off her neck. He fought the desire to tangle his fingers in the long, silky strands, but if they were going to be friends, then he had to keep his hands to himself. Jesus. Let’s be friends. What a stupid idea. He rested his forearms on his knees and watched the heavy summer traffic as
it rolled by on Main Street.
“Really?” He cleared his throat. “I don’t remember you ever talking about him like that. I know I never saw that side of the guy.”
“His heavy drinking started a couple of years before we moved here from Oklahoma. I was pretty young then, not much older than Lily. Even though I mostly remember the bad times with him, there were some good ones too, at least in the beginning.” A wistful smile curved her lips. “He used to sing to me at night before I went to sleep. He’d sing ‘Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.’”
Swiping at her eyes, she let out a short laugh. “Silly, isn’t it? You know, I’d practically forgotten all about it until I had children of my own. When Lily was born, I sang it to her, and that’s when I remembered my father singing it to me. I’ve… I mean I’m thinking about letting the girls see him.”
“Okay,” Gavin said slowly.
“Lily asks about him.” Jordan sniffled and swiped at her eyes. “She’s curious and I can’t suppose I blame her…but…I haven’t made up my mind.”
Honking horns from cars on Main Street interrupted their conversation, and for a minute Gavin thought she was going to clam up. Jordan fiddled with the paper around her uneaten sandwich, and he could feel how conflicted she was. The woman was in pain and he wanted to fix it, to make it better, to put out the fire that raged inside of her. He wanted to say something but didn’t have the first clue what it should be, so he opted for staying quiet. Better to let her get it all out.
“Anyway,” she said firmly, as though steeling her strength, “from what my mother tells me, his friend and business partner screwed him over. The bottom line was that he and my mother lost everything—his business, their savings, all of it. They moved here because of a sales job my father had to take, and he absolutely hated it. That’s when the drinking started. The unhappier he got, the more he drank.
“He absolutely loathed being beholden to someone else and then, as you know, he was constantly getting fired. He’d bounce from one job to the next, and every time he got laid off, it was a longer dry spell between jobs. No work meant more drinking, and that meant more screaming.” Her voice wavered with emotion as she brushed crumbs off her floral print sundress. “In some ways, I guess it’s easier to remember the rotten stuff.”
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