I snatch out a can of beer and take off the lid. It’s midnight, but I don’t care. I need a drink, now.
I put the can to my lips and let beer flow into my mouth. It prickles my taste buds and sets my throat on fire when I swallow. The sting is a welcome distraction. I’d do anything to forget. Just forget. Make everything go away.
I take another sip, and the alcohol runs over my lips. Drops fall onto the floor, but I don’t care. I need to empty this can as quickly as possible, so I can get rid of it. Nobody needs to know about this. It’s nothing shameful, but I can’t have them ask me questions. I don’t have any answers. Or at least I’m afraid to admit them. Saying what goes on in my mind makes it real and those horrifying things should’ve never have been true.
Fuck this. Fuck it all. I hate this.
My fingers instinctively cramp up. The can is squeezed together and the beer pours out. With my teeth clenched, I slam the can into the floor. My body is overflowing with emotions I can’t place. Emotions I don’t even remember not having. Rage, bitterness, sorrow, all together. It’s too much.
“Fuck!” I hiss.
Suddenly a shuffling sound comes from the living room, and I freeze. My daughter’s staring at me. “Daddy?” she says.
She comes closer, her eyes still partially closed. The blanket is wrapped tightly around her, and it makes her look like a butterfly trapped in its cocoon. She almost trips over a piece that managed to slip under her feet, but I catch her in time.
“Be careful,” I say, and I put her on her feet again.
“You smell funny,” she says, and she sniffs.
“Daddy’s just tired. Makes him smell bad.”
She laughs and hugs me. Her warm tiny hands are pulling my hair, but I like it.
“Daddy, what are you doing?” She’s probably peeking over my shoulder, and now I know she’s seen the mess I made.
“Nothing, sweetie. I just dropped something. Don’t worry, I’ll clean it up later.” I kiss her on the forehead. “Let’s get you back to bed.”
I pick her up and carry her to her room upstairs. When I lower her again, I notice she’s already fallen asleep on my shoulder. I place her down in her bed and pull up the covers. Smiling, I tuck a strand of her loose hair behind her ear and caress her cheek. My little angel. She’s all I have, and she saves me from the misery I put myself through time and time again.
***
The first thing I do in the morning is call Ben and ask him for a new engine.
“Sure, Jack, but it’ll take a few days.”
“Can’t you get it sooner?”
Ben sighs. “Well … I could get them to deliver earlier, but it’ll be expensive.”
“Ah, do me a favor, will ya? I’ll repay you, I promise.”
“Fine. I’ll pull some strings. The earliest I can have it is tomorrow at noon.”
“Perfect,” I say.
“But you owe me one, big time.”
“I know. Thanks, bud.”
I put down the phone again. Amy appears out of nowhere, scaring the shit out of me.
“And, and?” she says, her voice cheerily.
“Tomorrow. Noon.”
She gasps and claps her hands together. “Oh, wonderful. Thank you!”
She leans forward, and then I feel her lips against my cheek. I turn frozen solid and my eyes dart her way. She withdraws again and she blinks a couple of times. Immediately, she pulls back and gazes at me as if she doesn’t know what she’s doing.
I can still feel her wet lips on my skin. The warm mark they left is searing into my cheek, and it creates goose bumps on places I don’t remember feeling anything. My cock stirs in my pants, but I will it down.
Stop it. She’s just a girl you’re helping. This is not going anywhere. She’s not …
“Sorry,” she mutters, and she quickly turns around and bolts to the kitchen, as if she realizes what she did was …
I stand there still in place, unable to breathe for a second or two. I don’t know what the fuck to do anymore. Not with her, not with myself.
After a while I find my way to the kitchen and see her decking the table. There’s a whole buffet spread out on the table. Buns, toast, peanut butter, jelly, bacon, boiled and baked eggs, and even pancakes.
My eyes widen. “Did you make all this?”
“Pancakes! Pancakes!” Maddy yells. She’s already in her seat, ramming her fork and knife against the table.
“Stop making so much noise, Madeline,” I say to her, grabbing them from her hands and putting them neatly on the table again.
Amy pulls a chair back. “I wanted to make up for yesterday. Do something nice.”
“Wow,” I say, and she chuckles. She points at the chair, and I sit down while she scoots my chair forward.
“I thought, with you working so hard to get my car fixed, I should do something in return. I didn’t really know what else to do, and I’m rather useless on a farm. But this I can do.”
I stare at all the deliciousness in front of me, watering my mouth. Damn, and I thought I was a good cook. Nothing compares to this.
Amy grabs some of everything and stacks my plate to the rim.
“Wow, hold on, my stomach ain’t that big.”
She giggles. “But you should try everything.” She sits down next to me and picks up my fork, pricking a piece of bacon with it. “Take a bite.”
She pokes my lips with the fork, and I open my mouth. It’s delicious, just like I expected it to be after looking at it. Damn … I wish someone would cook for me like that every day.
A humming noise of delight escapes my mouth, and she chuckles.
“See? Told you. Good, huh?”
“For a girl who complains a lot, you sure make amazing breakfast.”
Her broad smile also puts one on my face, and the three of us enjoy a wonderful morning meal.
We spend the rest of the day on the ranch, feeding the animals, cutting the grass, watering the trenches, cleaning the stables. Most of the time Amy just hands me the tools, but when I finally have enough, I hand her a shovel and ask her to make a pile of the hay. I have to get it all out so I can scrub the floors. That shit really needed cleaning. Lucky Amy’s here to help me out. I help fix her car; this is her favor in return. Mutual interest, I’d say.
She’s moping less, though, which is a big plus. I guess she realized it wasn’t getting her anywhere. Her phone buzzes, and she stops working to check it. She’s leaning against the open door of the stables, probably reading a text message. Her gloomy face worries me.
She sniffs, and her body starts shaking. Oh shit. This doesn’t look good. She squints, her lips quivering and moving down. Oh, please, no. Don’t start crying, please, don’t cry.
Her eyes are getting watery, and before I know it she runs out the stable.
“Amy!” I holler, but she doesn’t stop.
I go after her. I need to know what’s bothering her so much that she’s crying all the time. I can’t let someone around me be so sad. It hurts me, too.
She’s clenching a fence somewhere up ahead, her blonde hair whisking in the wind. She looks stunning. The breeze makes her whimpers almost inaudible. Almost. My heart aches just from hearing it. I don’t want to see her sad.
I walk toward her, but find her cell phone a few feet away from her. I pick it up and hesitate, but I can’t stop myself from glancing shortly.
‘I’m sorry, Amy. I shouldn’t have kissed her. Please, tell me this isn’t the end. XOXO, Ronnie.’
So she has a boyfriend. Or had? I don’t know. Shit. I shouldn’t have looked at this. Fuck, what am I doing? Amy’s crying, and now I know why. I should get over there and comfort her.
I don’t wait another second and walk up to her. She’s clenching the fence tight, as if it’s the last thing she has to hold on to. I can her hear snivel, trying to hold back the tears. Oh, Amy …
I stand next to her and gaze at the field. It’s quiet for some time. I don’t know what to do. I’m
not good with this. If I were, I’d know how to comfort myself, but I don’t.
“Want to talk about it?” I say after a while.
She shakes her head, but then another whimpering session begins. I rub over her shoulder and try to soothe her as much as I can.
“My ex. He kissed her. My best friend,” she suddenly says.
Okay, so she shakes her head, yet still talks? I swear I don’t get girls at all.
“On my wedding day!” she yells.
Oh. That’s fucking bad. Like hellish. “Shit …” is all I say. What else am I supposed to say? She’s bawling her eyes out, and it’s all because of that fucking jerk. All I can think of is wanting to crack him open and spit him out, spew shit about him, and swear as if there’s no tomorrow, but I can’t do that. It’s her ex. She’s crying over him, so that means she still cares about him. If I’d call him all sorts of things I’m sure she’ll be angry with me instead of him.
“Yes, he’s a fucking bastard!” she yells. “You cheating asshole!” she screams, leaning over the fence as if she’s hoping the words will cross the land and find their way to his ears.
Then she turns around and buries her head in my chest.
My body freezes. I gasp, pondering what to do. She’s crying against me, making my shirt wet, and I all I can think of is wanting her closer. Damn, Jack, when did you turn into such a sissy?
She wraps her arms around my neck, howling swear words while sobbing. Oh, I give up. I put my arms around her and pull her closer. She needs this. She needs me. I’m not sure what I want or need, but I have to be here for her. She can use me to cry onto. She can shout at me, beat me up, and crash into me. If it stops her from feeling sad, I’ll do anything. I can’t bear to hear her cry. Not another soul.
My hand brushes back and forth over her back. I try to calm her down by shushing and rocking sideways. She’s still crying, but it’s slowly lessening.
Suddenly I feel something clench my leg and squeeze in between us.
Amy lets go of me and peers down between our legs. Madeline pushed her way through and is now hugging Amy’s leg.
“Don’t cry, Amy,” she says.
Amy wipes the tears from her cheeks and pats Madeline on the head. We look at each other, momentarily. She doesn’t need to say anything to let me know she’s thankful that I was here when she needed someone.
Madeline quickly runs off, cramming herself through the fence, and into the field. We watch her dart around, picking flowers as she goes. She comes back and holds them up to Amy.
“For you.”
A smile slowly creeps onto Amy’s face. She gets on her knees, ignoring the fact that her jeans get dirty, and takes the flowers from Madeline. “Aw. They’re lovely.” She leans closer and beckons Madeline to lean closer too. “Thank you very much, Madeline.”
“You’re welcome!” Maddy giggles and runs off to chase the birds that are eating the leftover grain.
Amy watches Madeline before standing up again. Her eyes are still red and swollen, but her depressed face is gone. I can see she’s already falling in love with my sweet Maddy, just like everyone else who meets her. I chuckle. Of course she is.
“What?” she says.
“Oh, nothing.”
She gives me a quick jab against the shoulder, and makes me step back. This girl’s got some punch in her. Didn’t expect that. I didn’t expect her to get over her sadness so quickly, either. It’s admirable. I guess in that way she’s stronger than me.
She looks at me, stares at me even, and I feel embarrassed. Her perpetual gaze is petrifying me. I know she can see it. See underneath all of the layers, all of the jokes that I hide behind. It’s as if she’s peering into my soul, gazing at all the destruction I’ve done. Gazing at the ruin that is my life.
A chill crawls under my skin. I don’t want her or anyone else to look at me like that, as if they can see all the hurt. As if they think they can do something about it. I don’t want anyone delving up my screwed up history. There’s no reason and no way in hell I’m going to let that happen. Unveiling what I’ve tried to bury for so long will kill me.
I clear my throat. “Let’s get back to work, if you’re ready.”
Chapter 6
Amy
We’re in his truck, and I’m sitting in the passenger’s seat. I can’t help glance at him. My eyes zoom in on all the little details. His long brown hair caressing his cheeks. His unshaven stubble. The way his lips move as he chews on a straw. His hand that move the clutch, wishing they were touching me.
Dear god, Amy, get a hold of yourself. For God sakes, you’re almost drooling.
I close my eyes and shake my head, but it’s no use. My eyes force themselves open. From the corner of my eye I see him watching me, and my stomach churns. I can’t get him out of my mind. The way our fingers touched when he handed me the mug last night, oh my. Heating up more and more, I gaze outside, trying to ignore the voice in my head telling me I want more of him.
He was so sweet yesterday, the way he comforted me after I was bawling my eyes out. I must’ve looked ridiculous. All because of a text message. I just let myself lose it. Lose to the tears. Gosh, I’m such an idiot.
No more. I can’t cry anymore. I won’t. Ronnie doesn’t deserve it. Just as Jack said, he’s not worth it.
I feel something tap my right shoulder, and I turn around. There’s nothing, even though I’m sure I felt something. Madeline starts giggling profusely, and when I turn around, she has her little hands on her mouth.
The little rascal.
Squinting, I say, “What are you doing?”
“Nothing,” she says with weird intonation.
I turn around again after flashing her a wicked grin, which only makes her giggle more. She taps me again, this time on my other shoulder. Humming, I reach for the back and tickle her. She screams from laughter and wriggles around on the couch, making me laugh.
“Stop!” she exclaims in between laughing.
“You give up? Quit tapping my shoulder?”
“Yes!”
I chuckle and stop tickling her. She manages to get up from the couch and sit back on her bum again. I turn back around and see Jack looking at me with his totally cute smile.
“What?” I say.
“Nothing,” he says.
I sigh. “God, you country folk sure have a lot to say.”
“Nope.” The left corner of his lip quirk up into smile, and I can’t help but smile back at him. He just does that to me. When I look at him, he makes me happy. It’s as though there’s nothing wrong in my life and everything’s fine. He makes me forget all the pain. Makes me fall in love with him.
No, no, no, no, this can’t happen! I can’t fall in love with a rancher. He’s too busy, has a kid and probably a dozen other things I’ve yet to find out, while I’m trying to make a career in the big city. This is never going to work. What am I doing? Why would he even be interested in me?
I stare out the window the rest of the ride and wait until we’ve reached the village Jack was talking about. Anything to get my mind off this. It takes a few hours to reach and it doesn’t even look like a village. I think there are about five shops in total; one supermarket, one general shop, a diner, Ben’s car business, and a bar. At least, that’s all I can see. A church is in the middle, there’s a public garden with a fountain, and houses in all sorts of colors everywhere. It’s like a classic cowboy movie set, only this time it’s real.
“This is it?” I say.
“Yep,” Jack says, and he gets out of the truck. He opens the door for Madeline to jump out and waits for me. As I get out, I’m surprised the road is paved here.
“Hold my hand, Maddy,” Jack says. He clutches her little hand tightly and leans slightly askew in order to walk with her. He’s that careful with her. It’s amazing to look at and gives me goose bumps.
I walk up to them and stay on Jack’s side, as we go to Ben’s shop.
“Wait!” Madeline says, and she comes to
a halt. “You need to hold hands, too.” She points at me.
I flush and look at her, then at jack, then back at her. “What?”
He smiles and holds out his hand.
“C’mon!” Madeline yells, stomping her feet. “We all need to hold hands.”
“Better do it quick, or we’ll be here all day. Maddy will make sure of that,” Jack says with a wink.
I roll my eyes sideways and grasp for Jack’s fingers. My heart beats in my throat as I lace my fingers through his. Oh, shit. What am I doing? Am I really doing this? He’s warm and strong, and his hand completely encompasses mine. Fire burns inside my body as he clutches me tightly. He’s holding me. I can feel his pulse through my skin, his sweaty palms leaving their mark on me. God, I don’t want this to end.
Looking up at him, I see him smile an awkward smile, and I feel so embarrassed. I’m sure I’m as red as a beet.
“Yay!” she squeals.
Jerking Jacks hand, Madeline drags us forward. We walk together across the street, and I can see the people around us staring. I know they’re watching us, probably thinking ‘who is that girl?’ I swallow away the lump in my throat as we enter the shop. Jack lets go of me, so he can fit through. It feels empty without his fingers tangled through mine.
The shop is only partially a shop. Half of it is a garage filled with tools, a car, pieces of car, and more stuff I can’t place. I have no idea how this works, but I’m hoping Jack knows what he’s doing.
The bell jingles, and a man steps out of his garage and into the shop.
“Hello there,” he says, his thick gray beard moving along with his almost invisible lips.
“Uncle Benny!” Maddy yells, and she runs to him and jumps into his arms. The man chortles and hugs her tight while she twirls her finger through his bristly hair.
“Hey there, kiddo,” he says to her, and he nuzzles her before putting her down on the floor again.
“Uncle?” I say.
“He’s not actually her uncle, she just calls him that. It’s complicated,” Jack says while chewing his straw.
Blissful Vol. 1 Page 5
