by Geoff Rodkey
I knew this because a while back, Ashley had showed me a picture of him hanging out in their apartment wearing a Flubby costume.
For those of you who never had a childhood and/or weren’t allowed to watch TV when you were little, Flubby’s a character on the TV show Aardvark Avenue. Whenever you go to Times Square, there are at least half a dozen people standing around in Flubby costumes, taking pictures with tourists for money.
I figured I could fit into Andy’s costume because he’s pretty short. Ed. Note: no offense, Andy! And he’s super nice, so I was 99% sure he’d let me borrow it.
JAMES
This might sound a little out there… but when I heard the words “Flubby costume,” “baseball bat,” and “cute boy,” EVERYTHING clicked into place. I had this amazing vision for a horror story about a Flubby with a baseball bat chasing a kid through Central Park.
And I realized the whole reason I’d been put on this earth was to turn that vision into a series of the most cunningly successful Blurts of all time.
PARVATI
It was a little weird when James got that crazed look in his eye and grabbed you by the shoulders and went, “Claudia, I AM GOING TO MAKE YOU A STAR!”
And then he was all, “Actually, no. You’ll be in the Flubby costume. But THE FLUBBY IS GOING TO BE A STAR!”
Which, BTW, made no sense. Flubby’s ALREADY a star. At least with preschoolers.
CLAUDIA
James almost never makes sense. But I liked his enthusiasm.
And the more I thought about it, the more it seemed like me putting on a Flubby costume and hitting Jens over the head with a bat could not only go viral and solve my Fembot problem, but might also be very helpful for my healing process.
All I had to do was convince Jens that letting a cartoon character beat him over the head in front of Ed. Note: (hopefully) millions of people was a good idea.
CHAPTER 10
REESE AND XANDER Ed. Note: (TRY TO) TURN PRO
CLAUDIA
Even though everybody at school was drooling all over him, and he’d hit 15,000,000 Blips and 20,000 followers by the time school ended that day, Reese stayed totally down-to-earth and chill. He knew he’d just gotten incredibly lucky, and his moment of being Internet famous was going to end as fast as it started.
So there was NO WAY my brother was going to let it all go to his head, get totally obsessed with becoming a Blurt star, let Xander talk him into a bunch of ridiculous moneymaking ideas, completely embarrass himself trying to make them happen, and just generally lose his mind.
I’m kidding. That’s EXACTLY what Reese did.
REESE
That whole day at school, I kept asking to go to the bathroom and then sneaking into a stall to check Blurt on my phone. ’Cause it was SO AMAZING watching my Blip counter! It just kept going, “WHHHHZZZZZZZHHHHH!” Ed. Note: made-up sound that means “increasing very fast”
I seriously couldn’t stop staring at it. Once, I lost track of the time when I was in the bathroom, and Mrs. Berner had to send Dimitri to check on me.
DIMITRI
I could see Reese’s feet under the stall. So I knocked on the door and said, “Are you okay?”
And he went, “I’m blowing up, dude!”
And I was like, “Yeeeeech. That’s really gross.”
But he didn’t mean it like I thought he did.
REESE
After school, I went over to Xander’s place so we could figure out how to take the Blurt thing to the next level.
XANDER
I was all, “Time to turn dem followers into MAD money!”
CLAUDIA
Xander, you DO realize those 20,000 followers were ALL Reese’s, right? You had more like two at that point. Or maybe three, if your mom had started following you.
XANDER
You just ignorant, Clownia! Me and R-Dog Ed. Note: Xander’s nickname for Reesewuz SHARIN’ followers! Cuz we wuz a team!
Plus I wuz doin’ all the work. R-Dog just kept starin’ at his Blip counter. I had to be the one googlin’ “how to make dat Blurt money” and whatnot.
And da article I found told it straight! All we needed was to hit da trey: APPEARANCES, BRANDS, and MERCH!
REESE
Appearances are, like, you show up someplace. And people give you money just for being there. Like at that BlurtUp thing.
XANDER
So I emailed dem BlurtUp bruhs. And I was all, “Yo, Skronkmonsters be ready to get with you! Hook us up on dat main stage, y’all!”
XANDER (email to BlurtUp.com)
CLAUDIA
I would like to pause here to say I was completely Ed. Note: (sarcasm) shocked when I found out nobody at BlurtUp ever emailed Xander back.
XANDER
They best hope it went to junk mail. ’Cause don’t nobody disrespect the X-Man.
REESE
Then Xander was like, “Step Two: BRANDS!”
XANDER
Brands is endorsements! Skronkmonster sellin’ product to da people!
REESE
So brand deals are, like, you post a Blurt going, “I LOVE RUSH SODA! EVERYBODY SHOULD DRINK IT!”
And then Rush Soda pays you a bunch of money for hyping their stuff.
CLAUDIA
Right… Except for that to actually work, you have to get Rush Soda to agree to pay you BEFORE you post the Blurt.
REESE
Yeah… but the article Xander read didn’t say that. So we just did the Blurt first.
But, like, there aren’t any soda cans or bottles or whatever in MetaWorld? So we used a log. ’Cause they’re kinda soda-can-shaped.
But it was tough to, like, draw a Rush Soda logo on the log, so we drew it on a wall, too. Then we had my avatar stand by the wall and hold up the log like he was drinking it.
I wasn’t totally sure it looked good. But Xander was all, “BLURT IT SO WE CAN CASH IN!”
So I did. Then Xander went on the Rush Soda website and told them to give us some money.
XANDER
Rush Soda didn’t have no email. Just a form that wuz all, “We value your feedback.”
So I filled it out like, “You BEST value this feedback! Skronkmonster be REPRESENTIN’ for yo’ brand! Peep this Blurt link, yo! Then hit us back with dat mad cheeeez!” Ed. Note: in Xander-speak, this means “give us money”
They still ain’t hit us back yet.
CLAUDIA
Once again, I am shocked Ed. Note: (more sarcasm) that Rush Soda never “hit them back” and/or sent Xander and Reese a bunch of money in exchange for a Blurt of Reese’s avatar pretending to drink a log.
REESE
Then Xander was like, “Step Three: Merch!”
Which is short for “Merchandise.” So it’s, like, selling people “Skronkmonster” T-shirts and phone cases and stuff.
And I was psyched for that. Like, I was thinking how awesome it’d be if I walked down the street and saw somebody wearing a “Skronkmonster” T-shirt. I’d be like, “That’s ME! High five!”
But then Xander googled “how to get rich selling T-shirts online.” And it turns out it’s mad hard.
XANDER
Dem article wuz all, “Five Things You Need to Know About Sellin’ T’s!” And number one wuz “You Ain’t Gonna Make No Money On It!”
So I didn’t even read dem other four.
1. SELLING T-SHIRTS ONLINE (PROBABLY) WON’T MAKE YOU RICH
The good news is that setting up your online T-shirt business couldn’t be simpler! The bad news is that with low margins and thousands of competitors, 99% of sellers will never earn more than a modest amount of money.
REESE
When I went home for dinner, I was thinking even without T-shirts, we were in great shape.
Because I figured BlurtUp would pay us to show up there. Ed. Note: no, they wouldn’t
And Rush Soda was going to pay us for the Blurt we’d just posted. Ed. Note: no, they weren’t
And that new Blurt was going t
o blow up just like the first one did! Ed. Note: no, it wasn’t
So I was SUPER excited for what was going to happen next. Ed. Note: he shouldn’t have been (srsly)
CHAPTER 11
ATTACK OF THE FOLLOWERS
CLAUDIA
After I got home that afternoon and made sure Ashley’s boyfriend was cool with loaning me his Flubby costume, I texted Jens.
It was our first official communication since the breakup.
CLAUDIA AND JENS (text messages)
Ed. Note: ME Hi! How are u?
Hi! I am good! Ed. Note: JENS
Great!
If u r texting me than r we friends again?
Possibly. I am wondering if you will do me a big favor
Yes sure anything
Are you busy this weekend?
I have soccer game Sunday. But Saturday free
Would you be ok with me hitting you over the head with a fake baseball bat in Central Park while I wear a Flubby costume and Carmen records it for a Blurt?
I think my English is not good enough to understand this
Your English is fine. It’s just a very strange favor
You want me to play baseball in park with Carmen and Fluuber?
OK maybe it’s your English
FaceTiming you now to explain
CLAUDIA
It took a while to get Jens to understand what I wanted him to do. Then it took even longer to get him to agree to it. By the time he did, the rest of my family was home. And because it was Friday night, we all went out for dinner.
Dad had just gotten a Blurt account that day so he could understand what was going on with me and Reese. Or at least try to. Because Dad was having a very hard time figuring out Blurt.
DAD AND MOM (text messages)
I got a Blurt account!
I’ll follow you. What’s your username?
I don’t have one
That is literally impossible
You definitely have one
I am MomSeesAllSoBehave
Follow me and I will follow back
How do I follow you?
Click search button and type in my username
Can’t find search button
Bottom left on home screen
Can’t find home screen
Seriously, Eric?
What does the cheeseburger do?
???????
There is no cheeseburger
Yes there is. Bottom middle of screen
That’s not a cheeseburger
Pretty sure it is
Hang on I’ll ask 25-year-old in my office what that is
Just clicked on cheeseburger and something happened
Not sure what
25-y-o says it’s a mouth. And if you clicked on it, you just Blurted
I did what????
CLAUDIA
Dinner that night was a real disaster. I’ll let Reese explain why.
REESE
Mom and Dad have this rule that we can’t use our phones at the dinner table. But after we ordered, I was like, “Who wants to see my new Blurt?”
’Cause I was crazy excited about it. I’d been checking the Blip counter, and it hadn’t really taken off yet. But I figured it was going to blow up any minute.
CLAUDIA
Serious question: why did you think a Blurt of your avatar pretending to drink a log was going to be popular? I mean, why would anybody want to watch that?
REESE
Huh… I guess when you put it that way, it DOES seem pretty stupid.
I think I just figured the last one got huge, so this one would, too?
Or something?
Anyway, I asked Mom and Dad if I could take out my phone to show them the Blurt.
And they were like, “No phones at dinner!” But I just kept bugging them. I was like, “It’s only two seconds long! C’mon! I worked really hard on it!”
Finally, Mom was like, “Fine. But we’re watching it on MY phone.” So she got her phone out, and she and Dad watched my Blurt.
CLAUDIA
At first, Mom and Dad just looked confused. Mom said something like, “I’m not sure I get this.…”
And Dad said, “Why is he hitting himself in the face with a block of wood?”
REESE
I started explaining it to them. But then I guess Mom must’ve scrolled down to look at the comments. Because all of a sudden she was like, “REEEESE! THE LANGUAGE!!!”
CLAUDIA
Mom and Dad’s other big rule besides “no cell phones at dinner” is “no swearing on social media.” Not only do they not let me and Reese use bad language online, but if anybody else swears when they comment on one of our posts, Mom and Dad make us delete THAT person’s comment, too.
This is because they believe everything that happens on your online accounts is a reflection of you as a person. So if you let people swear on your ClickChat page, or your Blurt page, or wherever, when you grow up and want to get a job, employers will google you and see the swearing and decide not to hire you.
This actually makes a ton of sense to me.
REESE
Not me. I’m either going to be a professional soccer Ed. Note: Reese’s career goals = not realistic player or a Blurt star when I grow up. Either way, I don’t think swearing on my Blurt page is going to be a deal breaker.
CLAUDIA
It turned out Reese’s new Blurt was NOT going over well with his 22,000 followers. And they were letting him know it. So when Mom looked at the comment section, it was basically Curse-O-Rama.
BLURT COMMENT SECTION
174 comments [load more]
@lannyg OMG this is complete
@shadowmike mad stoops
@cbaby24 stupid !!!!
@cherryoda total
@MissyDeMeaner srsly
@gabbyreads whats up with the log???????????
@cantankrus HES THE WITH IT!!!!!!!!
@chizvard u b lobsters n wutnot fo sho
@Beloser WUUUUUT THAT LOG BE LIKE UNHHH
@BrandonHandon worst ever
REESE
Mom lost it. She was like, “Delete these comments or I’m shutting down your account!”
I was like, “What comments?” ’Cause all I’d been looking at was the Blip counter. I’d forgotten Blurts even HAD comments.
So I took out my phone. But then Mom was like, “No phones at the table!”
Which seriously did not make sense. How was I going to delete the comments if I couldn’t use my phone?
CLAUDIA
Mom takes the “no phones at the table” rule very seriously. But she ALSO takes the “no swearing on social media” rule very seriously. So the situation pretty much made her head explode.
She told Reese he had thirty seconds to delete all the comments with swearing in them. But when he saw the comments, Reese suddenly realized his new Blurt was a disaster. And his career as a Blurt star might be over before it started.
So he COMPLETELY freaked out.
REESE
I didn’t know what to do! I was like, “I gotta delete this whole Blurt! But I can’t! ’Cause what if Rush Soda wants to pay me for it? But everybody’s hating on it! And what if I lose all my followers? I should tell them I’m sorry! But they’re saying really mean stuff! So I should defend myself! Or maybe I should just block all of them? I gotta talk to Xander! AND WHY WON’T MOM STOP YELLING AT ME???!!!”
CLAUDIA
Basically, dinner that night was dumplings, kung pao chicken, yelling, and tears.
It was so bad that six weeks later, Mom’s still too embarrassed to go back to Han Dynasty. Ed. Note: Mom read this and said, “Give it another month”
After we got home that night and he talked to Xander, Reese wound up deleting the whole soda/log Blurt. And if he’d been smart, he would’ve realized he was in way over his head, and he should just be happy with his one insanely successful Blurt and quit trying to make a whole career out of it.
Unfortunately, he wasn’t smart
.
CHAPTER 12
JAMES MANTOLINI, VISIONARY BLURT ARTIST
CLAUDIA
Reese spent the whole weekend in full panic mode about his Blurt career. But I wasn’t paying attention to him, because I was too busy sweating my brains out inside a Flubby costume while James Mantolini screamed at me in Central Park.
For five hours. Which was four hours and fifty-five minutes longer than Jens and I had expected the shoot to last.
