by Geoff Rodkey
XANDER
I coulda guessed it, yo. Bruh’s password wuz “password”!
REESE
It wasn’t “password”! It was “Password123”!
And “Password” was capitalized!
CLAUDIA
Wow, Reese. That is just… REALLY not smart.
REESE
I know! Okay? Geez! Just let me tell the story.
So after our last couple Blurts had crashed and burned, Xander figured out the way to get huge was to do a collab with a famous Blurt star.
XANDER
Collabs is where it’s at! If Skronkmonster did a collab with BewBewBoy, we’d get dem twenty million BewBewBoy eyeballs on us!
REESE
It seemed like a really good idea.
CLAUDIA
For YOU, sure. But not for BewBewBoy. Because he had A THOUSAND TIMES as many followers as you did. So there was literally nothing in it for him.
REESE
Do you want me to tell the story? Or do you just want to make me feel bad?
CLAUDIA
I’m sorry. Keep going.
REESE
So Xander DM’ed BewBewBoy to see if he was up for a collab.
@SKRONKMONSTER_X TO @BEWBEWBOY (Blurt Ed. Note: Xander’s 1st DM to BewBewBoy DM)
WUT UP BEWBEWBOY???
WANT 2 DO A COLLAB W @SKRONKMONSTER???
ITD B EPIC CUZ WE R BOTH METAWORLD/BLURT STARS
WE CAN THROW U OF A CLIFF IN A DEATHMATCH
OR U CAN THROW US OFF
EITHER WAY ITD B EPIC!!!!!!!
HIT US BACK N SAY WHEN U CAN DO IT W R FREE 4-10PM TMW
REESE
I was hyped to do it. BewBewBoy’s my idol!
But he didn’t answer. So Xander DM’ed him again.
And he still didn’t answer.
Then Xander DM’ed him, like, ten more times.
@SKRONKMONSTER_X TO @BEWBEWBOY (Blurt DM) Ed. Note: Xander’s 14th DM to BewBewBoy (in one day)
WUTS UR PROBLEM BRUH?
R U SCARED @SKRONKMONSTER WILL KICK UR BUTT????
I BET U R
IF U DONT COLLAB W US U R A WUSS!!!!!!!
REESE
Then BewBewBoy blocked Xander, so he couldn’t send any more DMs.
And Xander got seriously grumpfed. He was all, “Let’s just kick his butt without him!!!!”
I didn’t really think that was possible. ’Cause if you’re going to kick somebody’s butt, it seems like their butt has to BE there.
But Xander was like, “We’ll fake him.”
And he created this MetaWorld account called “.Ed. Note: note added periodBewBewBoy.” Then he made the avatar look EXACTLY like BewBewBoy’s avatar.
The idea was that I’d kill the fake BewBewBoy in a deathmatch, and I’d Blurt that and be like, “I KICKED BEWBEWBOY’S BUTT!”
But I wasn’t really into doing it. I mean, if somebody made a fake Skronkmonster, and killed him, and then Blurted that they’d kicked MY butt? I’d be all kinds of mad.
Plus by then, Mom and Dad had taken all my electronics away. So I told Xander I couldn’t do it, ’cause I couldn’t go online.
And he was like, “No worries. Just gimme your password.”
Then Xander logged in as me and got Wyatt to be the fake BewBewBoy.
WYATT
I didn’t think it was a good idea, either. ’Cause I was worried if I pretended to be BewBewBoy, all his Bewbees would come after me.
REESE
The Bewbees are this huge group of BewBewBoy fans. They’re kind of like an online gang. And they’re pretty scary. Like, if you ever say anything bad about BewBewBoy in a comment section, the Bewbees will come at you HARD.
Plus a bunch of them are hackers. So they know how to doxx people.
Which means they can actually mess with you in real life. Not just online.
CLAUDIA
If you’re reading this and wondering, “Is Xander about to enrage a giant army of evil trolls with terrifying powers who will descend on my brother and attempt to destroy him by any means possible?” the answer is YES.
REESE
Who’s telling the story here, Claudia?
CLAUDIA
Sorry! Go on.
REESE
Xander told Wyatt there was no way the Bewbees could trace the .BewBewBoy account back to him. So Wyatt was like, “Fine.”
And they made this Blurt of me killing BewBewBoy. Except it wasn’t me, and it wasn’t BewBewBoy. Then they Blurted it from my Skronkmonster account.
Just to make sure BewBewBoy and the Bewbees all saw it, Xander tagged a bunch of them in the comment section.
BLURT COMMENT SECTION
384 comments [load more]
@Skronkmonster TASTE IT!!!!!! @BewBewBoy
@Skronkmonster HOW YA LIKE ME NOW???? @BewBeeTheFirst @BewBee_1000 @TheMightyBew @BBB111 @BewBotness @BewBewsArmy @AllHailBewBew @TheBewIsMyShepherd
XANDER
I ain’t sayin’ it was a good idea. But that Blurt wuz gettin MAD Blips at the beginning! Tons of eyeballs on that bad boy!
REESE
Yeah—from people who all wanted to kill me after they saw it!
XANDER
I ain’t sayin’ it was a good idea! I’m just sayin’ it wuz popular.
Plus, I ain’t the one with dem baby-weak passwords.
BLURT COMMENT SECTION
384 comments [load more]
@AllHailBewBew Wow @Skronkmonster U have a deathwish????
@BewBewsArmy ITS ON NOW
@BewBee_1000 LET THE DOXXING BEGIN
@TheMightyBew this iz gonna hurt
@BewBeeTheFirst SAY BYE BYE TO UR LIFE @Skronkmonster
@AllHailBewBew OMG its too easy! His password is Password123!!!!!!!!
@BewBee_1000 smh
@AllHailBewBew IM IN GOT ALL HIS INFO POSTING ON CHAN NOW
@TheMightyBew let’s do this
@TheBewIsMyShepherd TOTAL DESTRUCTION OF @Skronkmonster IN 5…4…3…
CHAPTER 18
I PIN ALL MY HOPES ON SOME FRENCH GUY
CLAUDIA
While Xander was setting my brother’s life Ed. Note: (not literally) (but close) on fire, I was trying desperately to come up with another way to beat Athena.
At first, I was hoping James could redo the Furry Menace Blurts with a cartoon character who wouldn’t sue me for turning him/her/it into a homicidal maniac.
CLAUDIA AND JAMES (text messages)
(CLAUDIA) What if I get Elmo costume and we reshoot?
(JAMES) Elmo lawyers r prob worse than Flubby lawyers
Then what?
I got nothing. And I have to stop helping u
Too much heat and I cant afford another lawsuit
What do you mean “another” lawsuit?
NM. Going underground
Pls delete these texts and lose this number
CLAUDIA
That was Thursday night. On Friday morning, I woke up with a stomachache Ed. Note: (other 5% = bad turkey dog from Thurs. dinner) that I am 95% sure was stress-related.
And it only got worse when I went to school. The Fembots were so excited to taunt me that they were practically peeing their pants.
SOPHIE
Is it just me, or were Clarissa and Ling waiting at the front door so they could sing “YOU’RE SOOOOO DOOMED!” at you the second you walked in?
CLAUDIA
Yeah, they were pretty much stalking me. So I had to hide out in the library again.
Parvati met me there, and we went into library Narnia to discuss my absolutely last hope for victory: BlurtUp.
PARVATI
At that point, BlurtUp was happening in exactly 29 hours and 43 minutes. I knew this because my official BlurtUp app had a countdown clock.
AND I COULDN’T WAIT TO MEET TYLER PURDY BECAUSE I AM HIS NUMBER ONE FANGIRL OF ALL TIME! AAAAAAAAH!
Also, I was totally sure Marcel would be your knight in shining armor and save you from the Fembots.
CLAUDIA<
br />
I decided to do what Parvati had been telling me to do all week: go to the BlurtUp festival, somehow meet Marcel Mourlot, and convince him to Reblurt “Windmill” to his 30,000,000 followers.
Tbh, I am so clueless when it comes to Blurt stars that if it weren’t for Parvati, I wouldn’t even have known Marcel was the best one to ask for an RB.
PARVATI
Marcel was perfect! He’s INCREDIBLY supportive of his fans, and he’s constantly RB’ing them to help make their dreams come true. Like, I don’t think Brian Messer would even BE a star today if Marcel hadn’t RB’ed him so much.
And I was SO EXCITED for you that you were coming to BlurtUp! Once Marcel RB’ed you, not only would you beat Athena, but “Windmill” would FINALLY be a hit! It was going to be totally life-changing for you!
I was also excited for me. Because it seemed like it’d be way better to go with your dad than my dad.
CLAUDIA
Parvati’s dad was originally going to take her to BlurtUp. But he’s a doctor, and he was on call that day. Which meant Parvati might have to leave BlurtUp early if someone needed an emergency orthopedist.
So she wanted to trade up to a parent who wouldn’t mess up her chances of meeting Tyler Purdy. And because Parvati’s mom had to take Akash to a robotics fair in Scarsdale that day, and my mom is very crafty about avoiding things she doesn’t want to do, my dad wound up taking us.
MOM AND DAD (text messages)
(MOM) How about I take Reese to his soccer game tomorrow?
(DAD) Great!
Excellent. U just have to hang out w Claudia and Parvati
Maybe I’ll take them to a movie
You’re taking them to BlurtUp
What on earth is that?
Hard to explain. Try googling it
NOOOOOOOOOOO
CLAUDIA
Unfortunately for both me and Parvati, even though my dad is not a doctor on call, he IS a lawyer with an evil boss. So Dad wound up having to do a bunch of work at home on Saturday morning before we could leave. And we got started a LOT later than Parvati wanted to.
PARVATI
Claude, you know I love your dad… and I was fine with us not camping out overnight, because I totally get that it’s illegal to do that and we couldn’t get in line before 5:00am anyway… but we DEFINITELY should’ve been there by 5:00am LATEST.
CLAUDIA
I know! I just couldn’t make it happen. To be fair, we DID get there half an hour before the gates opened at noon.
PARVATI
Yeah—along with the gazillion other girls who were ahead of us!
Which is why we had to totally change our whole strategy for getting Marcel to Reblurt you and Tyler to fall in love with me.
CLAUDIA
Parvati’s original plan was to get to BlurtUp so early that we’d be able to snag a spot right in front of the stage, where A) I could hand Marcel a thumb drive with the “Windmill” video on it, and B) Parvati could make eye contact with Tyler Purdy long enough for him to realize she was his soul mate.
But even though we ran for the stage as soon as the gates opened, this was as close as we could get:
Which was not close at all.
So we decided to switch from a “Stage” strategy to a “Meet and Greet” strategy.
Basically, BlurtUp had two parts. There was the stage, where all of the Blurt stars did their thing—like singing, or rapping, or just standing there and being cute. And then there was the Meet and Greet tent, where you could actually meet and/or take selfies with all the Blurt stars.
If you had a $500 “VIP Platinum” or a $350 “VIP Gold” ticket, you were guaranteed to get into the tent and meet all the stars.
Needless to say, Parvati and I did not have those. We also did not have $100 “VIP Bronze” tickets, which guaranteed you’d get into the tent, but NOT necessarily meet everybody.
What we had were $30 “Not Any Kind Of VIP At All” tickets. Which guaranteed nothing, except that if you stood around outside the tent long enough, one of the stars MIGHT come out of the tent for 30 seconds and take a selfie with you.
ATHENA, the most evil person in the world
Ohmygosh, did you not have VIP status? So you and Poverty Ed. Note: Athena’s totally disgusting nickname for Parvatiwere, like, stuck in the middle of that sad crowd of desperate girls standing outside the Meet and Greet tent like homeless people?
That is the saddest thing EVER! I am Ed. Note: SARCASM SO sorry! If it makes you feel better, I’ll let you reprint my ClickChat photo of Tyler Purdy hugging me for your little book.
CLAUDIA
That’s SO nice Ed. Note: (also sarcasm) of you, Athena! But I think I’d rather just claw my eyes out with a fork.
PARVATI
Can I just say, there is NO WAY Tyler enjoyed that hug? You could practically SEE the pain in his eyes in that pic. ATHENA IS NOT SPECIAL TO HIM!!!!
CLAUDIA
Long story short, we spent our first two hours at BlurtUp standing in the crowd outside the Meet and Greet tent and waiting for a miracle. Which, BTW, my dad thought was insane. He kept saying things like, “Don’t you want to go back to the stage and watch the whoever-they-ares do their whatever-they-do?”
PARVATI
Your dad totally did not get the deal with BlurtUp.
But can I just say, I never had any doubt that a miracle would happen? Because visualization is a very powerful tool. And I was using ALL my mental brainpower to visualize Tyler coming out of the tent and seeing me.
Plus I was holding up my sign. So when Tyler DID come out, he’d see me and come over.
CLAUDIA
I have to admit that after two hours, I was starting to agree with Dad that we were out of our minds to think standing outside the Meet and Greet tent was a good idea. That whole two hours, the only Blurt star who came out of the tent was so minor-league I can’t even remember his name.
PARVATI
Joey Buffata.
CLAUDIA
Whatever. But here is the amazing thing: two hours into our wait, TYLER PURDY ACTUALLY CAME OUT OF THE TENT!
When he did, everybody in the crowd started to scream at once. And I think Tyler must have seen Parvati’s gigantic sign because he started moving in our direction.
PARVATI
I couldn’t believe it. My whole body started shaking. And there were, like, serious fireworks exploding in my brain.
CLAUDIA
I could tell something epic was about to happen, so I turned away for a second to get my phone out and capture the moment when Tyler came through the crowd and gave Parvati a big hug, or stared into her eyes, or took her backstage to eat strawberries, or whatever.
But when I turned back to Parvati with my camera ready, she’d already fainted.
CHAPTER 19
THE BLOWUP AT BLURTUP
CLAUDIA
When Parvati fainted, there were a lot of screaming girls in between her and Tyler. So I am honestly not sure if he ever knew Parvati had passed out at the sight of him.
If he did, though, he is the worst person on earth. Because if someone holding a poster saying I was their soul mate passed out at the sight of ME, I would at least autograph the poster for her.
By the time Parvati came to, Tyler was gone. And other than being really mad that she’d missed him, she seemed mostly fine. But the BlurtUp security people still insisted on calling an ambulance.
This is not as dramatic as it sounds, because the ambulance was a golf cart.
ATHENA, pure evil in human form
A golf cart??? That is SO basic! If I’D passed out? With my VIP Platinum ticket? They would have airlifted me to safety in a helicopter.
CLAUDIA
Thanks for your input, Athena.
The golf cart ambulance drove Parvati to the first aid tent, where the BlurtUp medical people Ed. Note: prob not real doctors (might’ve been college kids?)made her lie down for a while and drink orange juice.
PARVATI
&n
bsp; They wouldn’t let me leave for half an hour. Which was totally ridiculous! I was fine! I mean, Tyler was already gone from the Meet and Greet. And it wasn’t like Cody and Cody were going to make me faint.
BTW, I hope my dad didn’t get too mad at your dad when he found out about the fainting.
